Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Dec 24, 2009


Today we opened all our presents because Dakota has to leave early tomorrow morning. It was a good year. With Phoenix and Kale we had to get them both identical gifts so they wouldn't be fighting to the death over some stupid toy.
They both got pewter dragon boxes, skeleton shirts, hot wheels cars, a bucket of Lego's, and a skeleton hoody that zips up over their faces like a costume. They also got the most adorable dress clothes. They looked so cute! Like little gentlemen.

Phoenix got a stuffed penguin with a gift card from his dad. We went to Target and he spent it all on Bionicles and Hot Wheels Cars.
I gave Kale a small stuffed rabbit because he was upset he hadn't gotten a stuffed animal too.
Oh and I almost forgot to mention the $500 Xbox and the two games to go with it.
Amoo made out like a bandit during a riot.
She got a Knotts Berry Farm pancake and preserves gift pack, two Harry Potter T-shirts, two Christmas pins, a package of glass icicles for her white tree, some fuzzy purple socks, a big can of Almond Roca, a snowman ornament that changes color when turned on, a coffee thermos for her endless addiction to hot chocolate, a custom made callendar, and the coup de gras... the book Hush Hush.

I got two pair of pajama bottoms, one red with penguins and the other black with neon green skeletons. I really needed those since I have none. (The dogs ate mine.) I also got a comfy long sleeved shirt, the cutest little dragon winged fairy holding a dragon hatchling, and the coolest organizer I have ever seen. It looks like a bunch of petri dishes stacked on top of each other and connected to a rotating holder thingie. It's perfect for all my beads and dremel pieces.
But my very favorite gift, well there were two, was the ornament Phoenix gave me with his picture on it and the welcome mat Kale gave me with a wreath made out of his hand prints and red dots for holly berries.
Without a doubt the best gifts I've ever received.
Dakota had some more presents at his dad's but this is what he got at our house.

From his mom he got a red t-shirt with some logo on it that makes him cool at school or something and three video games. Tomb Raider, Fallout 3, and Demon Souls.
From us he got a skeleton hoody and a two-headed dragon with an orb that changes color when turned on.

A strange note.
It was like Amoo was trying to go with a theme. Everyone but her got something with a skeleton and something with a dragon. Weird hun?
We are all anxious to see what Santa brings us tonight. I will try to remember to post tomorrow about his visit.
Later BD

Nov 20, 2009

Rabid Zombie Squirrels

I forgot to tell everyone about the RABID ZOMBIE SQUIRRELS!
The last time I went to work I opened the cupboard with my cleaning supplies and started getting everything out and ready. I heard a scratching, scrabbling sound behind me. I armed myself with a spray bottle of Windex in one hand and bleach in the other. I mean, they're supposed to be toxic if you mix them right? I looked in the trash can that's just outside the break room door and a squirrel jumped right up into my face.
It didn't touch me but I still let out the girliest, highest pitched squeal ever to pass my lips. It was so loud I could still hear it reverberating off the shop walls several seconds later.
My scream must have scared the crap out of the thing because there was a little wet puddle with tiny paw prints leading away from me and into the shop.
Later on I opened the bay doors, they're like giant garage doors, to take out the trash and I'll be damned if the thing didn't jump out at me again. It escaped into the night and I got another shot of adrenalin while the RTD bus drivers next door gawked at the woman who shrieked like a little girl who'd just seen the boogie man.
On Monday Amoo told me that Lyle, her co-worker, saw the same squirrel on Friday night while he was locking the back door. He said it even jumped right at him too. We think it was locked in the shop the whole weekend and was trying to get back to it's little squirrel family when it jumped at me to get outside.
I think it was either rabid or a zombie, or maybe both!
Dun, dun, duh!!!!!!!!!
So if you see a squirrel with suspiciously red glowing eyes and a foaming mouth, beware! It could be a RABID ZOMBIE SQUIRREL!!!

Who's the dumb ass? Stupid question.

I think I need to mummify myself in caution tape to warn other people that standing too close to me could be hazardous to their health.

Maybe the laws of gravity are slightly warped in my immediate vicinity or something. I'm surprised I haven't been hit by a meteor entering our atmosphere.

Yes, I, the witless wonder, have injured myself again.

I got home from the store last night with a huge bag of cat food, we like to buy it only once every two months. I had a bunch of bags in my other hand so I had the cat food bag over my right shoulder. When I flipped the bag down to the floor it snagged in one of my earrings and ripped it almost all the way out.
I didn't even notice how bad it was until the blood started dripping onto my shoulder.
And damn it! It's the piercing I just did like two, maybe three weeks ago. I don't think I'll ever be able to have an earring anywhere near that spot again, it's too damaged. Maybe in a year or so it will have healed enough.
Anyway, I'm a dumb ass.
And now it's time to play my favorite game:
Posted by Picasa

Nov 8, 2009

Trip, de trip, de trip, de trip.

I tried getting a good picture of Trip before the batteries on my camera died but she NEVER holds still! When my batteries are done charging I will try to get a picture of the phantom on her chest. Amoo says it looks more like a Phoenix.
"So there's a pile of splinters under my nose... that could be anybody's. I was framed, I tell ya!" Cheyenne keeps trying to blame it on the puppy, but we all know she's just as culpable.

Ahhhhh, the joys of having a puppy!
The other day Amoo asked me if I thought Trip would get any bigger. If we put Kale on his hands and knees you would see that they are the exact same size. Judging by her humongous paws and the fact that her gum's are still swollen due to teething, I think it's safe to say she's not done growing. By a long shot.
Phoenix has officially declared that Trip is his dog and as such he will be responsible for everything that has to do with taking care of her. It's a nice gesture but he really can't handle it so Amoo and I have been helping him with the watering and feeding.
This morning I came downstairs to find that the dogs had chewed up an entire roll of Amoo's toilet paper. Phoenix actually picked up his dog's mess without an argument.
Good on ya, mate.
If only I could get him to clean up the backyard, which lately has become known as a wasteland.
It's where the dogs like to drag all the booty they steal from the house. It's like they think we don't know they hide everything they chew up out there. I would take a picture but Amoo would kill me. It's a demilitarized zone of shoes, stuffed animals and plastic dishes they've stolen out of the dishwasher. Not to mention their newest favorite, underwear and bras.
I would clean it up but I fear I would not return and my boys need a mother.
So yeah, young dogs, a great load of fun. No really, I mean that.
Gotta go, Memnock is kicking Trip's assassinator and she's crying for help. So sad.

Oct 31, 2009

All Hallows Eve

Tonight we carved pumpkins and went to Trunk-or-Treat. Phoenix's pumpkin was a spider and Kale's was an alien. I didn't have time to carve one for myself so I'll have to do it tomorrow.
We needed some flashlights for the boys so we went to Target to pick some up. I was shocked to find that the store's Halloween section was completely disassembled and was replaced with Christmas stuff. I love Christmas, to an almost unhealthy level, but damn! Couldn't they just wait till tomorrow to set this crap up?
I had to go to the camping section to get any flashlights and I managed to grab the last two that cost under twenty dollars each. In the car, while trying to free the flashlights from their impenetrable plastic wrapper, I sliced the crap out of my ring finger and couldn't get it to stop bleeding. Of course, I had no band aid and had to put pressure on it to keep it from spilling all over my Ghost Busters shirt.
The most fun in the world can be had at the annual Trunk-or-Treat. I kid you not! It takes about forty-five minutes to go to all of the cars and the kids come away with enough candy to give a four year old a coronary. When I was a kid we had to go door to door for six hours to get the same amount of candy they got tonight.
The kids were sooooooooo cute! And not just my kids.
Phoenix was thrilled to see another Optimus Prime and even a Bumblebee. Kale was very excited to see a grown man dressed as a wolf, his wife was Little Red Riding Hood. Kale said the man was his "Werewolf Brother."
Amoo loved the toddler dressed as a little Bee and another little girl was a Ladybug. Adorable.
The cutest ones I saw were the little boy dressed as a UPS delivery man, he was only about two years old and had the whole ensemble, and the other boy dressed as a Mechanic. He had overalls on with tools hanging on the pockets and grease stains on his face, he even had a greasy cloth sticking out of his pocket. And he kept walking up to people's cars with his hammer and tapping on the tail lights to fix them. You could tell the little kid loved to fix things and the costume totally suited him.
We had way too much fun and the kids almost went into a sugar coma before I could take their buckets of candy away. But that's what this Holiday is all about. Fun costumes and making yourself sick on candy.
Long live All Hallows Eve!
Later BD

Oct 29, 2009

The FLU part deux.

We were finally getting better, damn it!
All our coughs were settling down and the vomiting and fevers had stopped. I guess I forgot about my luck and to watch my mouth because when Amoo asked me if we needed any over the counter medicine for the kids I said, obviously without thinking, "I think we have enough drugs to last us the rest of the year." We had stocked up while everyone was sick and we had tons of the stuff. Mucinex for adults and kids. Cough strips, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, sore throat spray and cough drops. We had it all.
The next day I had to keep both boys home from school because one had a fever and the other was coughing so hard I had to give him nebulizer treatments to keep him breathing. Ironically Kale, the one who only had a fever, was the one who had to go to the emergency room because he couldn't breath.
Phoenix was still coughing but it was well taken care of because he has a daily inhaler to control his asthma. On Monday I gave Kale four Neb treatments before 5 pm and the wheezing was still persisting.
Kale is not the most level-headed of children. Every time he had trouble breathing he started screaming and running from room to room like he was trying to get away from whatever was choking him.
At about 5:30 I tried giving him another Neb and the machine wasn't working! I think there might have been a small hole in the tubing or something because it wasn't smoking like it's supposed to. We don't have a rescue inhaler because Phoenix and I both take daily asthma meds and we've got the nebulizer so we never really needed one.
I had to rush him to the hospital.
All the nurses and doctors thought he was dying or having a seizure from the way he was behaving. When they finally got him a Neb treatment he calmed down and charmed them all with his stories and cuteness.
Well, there was a moment when they tried giving him liquid prednisone and he spit it back at the nice nurse who squirted it in his mouth. But then, and I have never seen Kale ever do this, he said, "I'm sorry lady but it tasted really gross." Then he asked her if she was okay.
I swear he was trying to get them all to love him.
After three treatments his heart rate was 190 and everyone kept coming in to check on him. Kale loved the attention, and because he had so much adrenaline in him he was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. He kept telling everyone how he wanted to be a monster when he grew up and did they ever see a Bakugan this cool, and how come it was so hot in the room and could he have a Popsicle?
It never stopped. Now I know I will never let my kids have any caffeine.
After six hours in the ER we were finally sent home and I got Kale a pitty happy meal at 11 pm.

Last night Phoenix had night terrors all night.
If you have never experienced this you should try it. No really it's great. What happens is he wakes up and walks around the house crying and screaming. His eyes are open and he can even answer some basic questions but he's not really awake. Last night he came into my room and kept screaming in my face but I couldn't figure out what he really wanted. I really thought he was sick and in pain, not having a night terror. So in my most intelligent moment yet I tried to communicate with him.
The number one rule for kids having a night terror and sleep walking is to NEVER WAKE THEM UP!
Every time I tried getting him to tell me what was wrong he freaked out even worse and kept putting his hand up in front of my face and shaking it like he was trying to get me to shut up and leave him alone. At 3 am I couldn't seem to remember that I should just take him back to bed so I kept trying to talk to him which kept making him more afraid and scream louder.
Finally he just walked away from me and went back to bed.
Even when he's asleep he's smarter than me.
This morning I made the boys a special breakfast because they were both feeling so crappy. Phoenix loved his but Kale wouldn't touch his. I swear he thinks I'm trying to poison him or something because he won't eat anything I make.

Oct 9, 2009

I am a Dumb Ass!

On Wednesday I went to work. I was at the second building when I fell. There are no street lights around that place and I have to use a flashlight to see my way into the building. I think my flashlight needs new batteries because it was very dim. The lack of light ensured that I couldn't see the crack in the pavement that I tripped over. I landed on one of those metal girders that they use for the frames of skyscrapers. It hurt like a mother trucker.
The next morning I went to the E.R. and found out I had broken a small piece of my wrist bone off. They put me in a splint because they don't give you a cast right away anymore. I guess the swelling can cut off the circulation to your fingers and can cause tissue damage. In short, they would have to cut off my dead fingers.
So in a week I have to go to my doctor where they will decide if I need a cast or if they want to just keep me in the splint.
I planned on writing more but it's extremely hard to type with one hand so I'll have to continue this another time.
I had to put a soft sock under the splint because it was rubbing off my skin.

Oct 2, 2009

Happy Birthday To FLU!

Okay... where to begin?
First of all, the reason why no one has been able to get a hold of me is because we have all been so sick. Seriously, when you're so ill that you can't motivate yourself to answer the phone then you know something is terribly wrong.
It started with Kale being sent home on Thursday because he couldn't stop throwing up. I spent most of that day and night cleaning up after him and doing laundry. The poor little guy just couldn't hold anything down. The next day Phoenix had a fever of 102.5 so no one went to school.
I let Phoenix open his birthday present on Friday so he could have the whole weekend to play Guitar Hero 5. On Saturday night Phoenix's ear started hurting badly so at 4am when he couldn't stand it anymore we went to the Children's hospital to get some antibiotics. I spent the rest of the day trying to get the kids well for school on Monday. That plan was shot to hell when Phoenix started throwing up Monday morning.
I know! The poor kid spent his birthday puking his guts up. It's just not fair! Anyway, they both had fevers on Tuesday so they still couldn't go to school, again. Wednesday they were both feeling much better so I sent their butts to school.
Unfortunately I forgot they are planning to change Kale's classroom location and ECE kids had the day off while the school plans the move. So I had to bring Kale home.
Don't get me wrong, I love my boys. But I was sooooooo ready to have a day off! I had just spent the last six days taking care of every little need their sick butts required and I was looking forward to a day where all I had to worry about was doing the dishes and taking the dog out.
So yeah, sounds like a hectic time right?
But wait, there's more!
Sparky decided to visit our house on Wednesday. Me, being the suave woman I am, saw her out our front room window and exclaimed loudly, "F#@K ME RUNNING!"
I know what you're thinking, "She's calm and collected under pressure." That's me.
I cannot talk to that woman, I have a problem with my temper when forced to deal with ignorant people. James can be reasoned with, but Sparky makes no sense when she is angry. She's right and everyone else in the world is wrong. Why? Because she said so.
Anyway, I went and got Amoo to talk to her to keep myself from screaming at the irritating woman. If that makes me a chicken shit, so be it. After much bickering on Sparky's part mom discovered that they want to raise the rent, again.
Mom told them that we would not stay here for the amount they wanted so we would start looking for a new place to go. Sparky, of course, started yelling that she would have us evicted if we didn't agree to pay the rent. Which by the way is the total amount of the house payment. So we would be buying them a house.
When Sparky starts popping shit even Mom can't deal with it. She told her, "Sparky you're so dumb I can't believe you breath the same air as humans!" Score one point for the home team.
After looking for a place to rent that night, I went the next morning and got a whole crap load of boxes and started packing. I have to say, people are desperate to rent their properties. Rent is extraordinarily cheap and they no longer seem to care if the tenants have dogs and cats. You can tell the economy has taken a downturn when the people are no longer picky about who they rent out to.
We found several 3 bedroom houses for $700-$900 per month, and all of them allowed pets.
Mom and I started looking at places on a rent-to-own basis, and there's a lot of them out there. But then she had this idea. If she could talk to James, who is the only reasonable person in that family, she could agree to paying the whole house payment if he will let us have the house when it's payed off. She talked to him and he said he would think about it. Which basically means he has to ask Sparky's permission and she's going to say no. Why? Because she's mad at Kale and thinks we have turned him against her. I swear that woman is so full of spite, I wonder how she hasn't choked on it yet.
So, if by some miracle he can convince his wife to let us buy the house, we won't have to move. We are so not counting on that. I'm still packing. We will not stay here for the amount they are asking when we can get our own house for three or four hundred less each month.
And yes, if they agree to let us buy the house we would need some kind of notarized proof that the home would belong to us after we pay the total amount of the loan, plus the amount they have already paid. And of course we would have to pay for the entirely new kitchen and water heater. But if we can keep the house it would be worth it. I like my house. We get to paint the rooms however we want and we don't have to worry about replacing the carpet every time the kids spill their drinks.
Anyway... I hope James can make his wife see reason, but I highly doubt it. So we are still planning to move. I don't like moving but it would be a lot cheaper to rent a different house than to stay here. I hope Sparky realizes that.
I have always wanted to tell James that he needs to tell a doctor that his wife's moods change with the weather, literally. During the summer she is happy and we are her best friends and she loves us. But as soon as the weather starts getting cold she turns into the most evil, spiteful woman I have ever encountered. And all of a sudden we are pieces of shit not good enough to lick the crap off her boots. I'm pretty sure there's a treatment for her kind of behavior, because it's not normal.
Just don't let her hear you say it. Because she's perfect, don't you know? And she could never do anything wrong.
I know, I'm acting like a child. Complaining about her is an adolescent thing to do, but I can't hold it back anymore. Besides, it feels good. Like and enema.

Sep 15, 2009

It's A Trip.

We have a new addition to the family. We got a puppy.
The decision to get another dog came about when we saw that Cheyenne doesn't chew things as much when she has someone with her while we are gone. The websites call it separation anxiety.
Josh found a family that had a litter of twelve puppies they were trying to adopt out and he picked us out one.
At first I was feeling a little left out when I didn't get the chance to pick out our own puppy, but now that I've met her I have to admit that he made the perfect choice. She's the sweetest, most mild mannered dog in the world. She always wants to cuddle with someone and she's kind of a wuss. When the neighbor's dog barks she runs away to be held and comforted by someone.
She is ten weeks old, black with three gray paws and a white marking on her chest that looks like a cartoon ghost. She also has some gray on her chin. Josh said she's half German Shepherd and half Chesapeake, whatever the hell that is.
We named her Trip because she has the three gray paws and if she isn't falling over her own feet, then someone else is falling over her. Yes she is forever underfoot.
I had forgotten how nice it was to have my kids all grown up. This puppy helped me realize how easy my day to day life had become. It's like having a toddler in the house again.
She chews on anything she finds, including people, and she is constantly getting into places that are almost impossible to get out of. I spend most of my time following her around making sure she's not getting into something she shouldn't be. The only reason why I have time to blog is because she's sleeping after exhausting herself by playing with Cheyenne.
We're trying to raise her right, we already have one dog that thinks the leash is a torture device, so I've been taking her with me to walk the boys to and from school. It also helps to get her used to lots of different people. I want her to be a nice dog to everyone. I'm not the only parent that walks their kids to school with a dog, but I think we have the youngest one so she is the star. Kale and Phoenix love showing her off and have been pretty good about letting the other kids pet her and they are very enthusiastic about walking her and making sure she has food and water.
The one major problem I have is the potty training. I understand that she's just a baby, but I HATE cleaning up bodily fluids. We're working on it. She's only been with us for two days so I think after another few days she'll start understanding what I'm trying to teach her.

Sep 4, 2009

It's a PORT KEY!

Amoo and I have noticed something strange. For many months, probably a year, there has been a specific piece of trash placed in the same spot every single day.
When you drive to my, and Amoo's, work you have to go under three railroad bridges. Each bridge has a pillar in the middle of the road separating the lanes of traffic. Just before the first pillar there is always and empty Pepsi can in the road almost touching the pillar.
It's always there!
Amoo and I have a need, more like involuntary compulsion, to run over every can visible on the road so we know the can has been replaced every day with a new, unsquashed one.
At first it was just curious. We would joke that there must be some kids drinking soda under the bridge at night, or something. But it's only ever been one can. And why the hell would a person put it in the same spot every day?
Yesterday was different.
There were three Pepsi cans and there was the weirdest person picking them up with tongs. First of all, why tongs? Most people who pick up trash have a stick with a nail at the end or that long grabber thingie with the pincers at the end. This guy had a pair of hot dog tongs. WTF?
Secondly, this man was dressed very strangely. He had on a neon orange hat, like the ones men wear when they go hunting. He also had on a blue hoody with a business suit vest over it, and the worst pair of plaid golfing slacks I've ever seen in my life.
Now, doesn't that sound like a wizard trying to pass himself off as a muggle?
The evidence is compelling.
And why wasn't he letting his skin touch the innocent pepsi cans? Because it's a port key and he didn't want to be transported to wherever it lead.
Another point.
These railroad tracks are right next to a natural gas refinery, or something like that, called 'Suncor.' Natural gas my butt!
This place always smells like brimstone and has huge smoke stacks belching fire at all hours every day.
What if they really have dragons in there? It would explain the smell and the fires. Maybe it's a hatchery.
Maybe underground it's the 'Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.'
The whole thing is a conspiracy, I tell you! Hopefully I can post this blog before the American division of the 'Ministry of Magic' catches up to me and obliviates all my suspicions away. If this post suddenly disappears, you'll know why.
Anyone retarded enough to think I'm being serious needs mental help and should seek the nearest medical care providers.
It's just a joke, DUMB ASS!

Aug 19, 2009

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Today I dropped both my son's off for their first day of school. Oh yeah... un hun... do the happy dance. Now, with the evil ones out of the way, I actually have a clear path to the computer that isn't obstructed by one son wanting to watch 'Wolverine' and another who wants to sing the 'Anabore' cartoon network song to the YouTube video.
It's been so long since I got to play freely on the Internet that I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like eating ice cream for breakfast, you know it's wrong but it feels so right!
Phoenix took to school like I expected. He was a little nervous with the new teacher and classroom but he's had two years of experience with this school stuff so he handled it rather well. The only reason I knew he was upset at all was because he kept wrapping my arms around him while we waited in line with the rest of his class. Phoenix has recently learned, probably from Dakota, that public displays of affection make you a wuss.
After I saw him off with his class I took Kale to the auditorium where all the preschoolers, now called ECE students, are to meet every morning. At first he seemed alright. There were lots of other kids and parents loitering around waiting for the teachers to take the kids to their classrooms. When it was our turn to leave with the teacher Kale turns to me and says, "Okay, lets go home now."
I thought, at the time, that honesty would be the best way to handle the situation. So I told him that he had to stay with his teacher and I had to go home after I saw his classroom. He gave me a look that clearly said, You just ripped out my heart and NOW you're stomping on it?
He cried the whole way to the room. But hey, at least he wasn't screaming and running in the other direction like when I try dropping him off at his grandma's house.
I had a moment of pure motherly pride when I told him to hang his backpack on the hook with his name and he went strait to the correct one and hung it up.
That's my boy!
Last year at Phoenix's school Kale saw that his brother got to sit on a carpet with different colors at the beginning and end of class. He was so thrilled that he got to sit on the special carpet too that he stopped crying.
When the teacher started asking everyone their names Kale had a minor meltdown. See, even though I registered him under the correct last name they had his last name as what it was before we got it changed to his dad's last name. So when he wouldn't tell her his name I had to tell her it was Kale. Unfortunately she had this name tag with his old last name on it. I could almost hear him yelling in his mind, Up with this shit I will not put! Kale may not know how to spell his last name yet but he sure knows it doesn't start with an E. He wouldn't let her put the name tag on him until she changed his last name.
Could he be a little higher maintenance?
Yes, yes he could.
While the teacher was handing out the name tags and saying good morning to the rest of the class and parents the principal came in to interrupt. He said a speech about all the new things the school acquired and the new teachers and the changes about where the kids would be dropped off and picked up. Then he said that a lot of people in Colorado consider Montbello to have the worst public schools in Denver county, which he said was completely untrue. Sure, having pride in the school you run is important but for a second there I was worried he was going to be struck by lightning for lying about how good this school was.
Wait... why am I sending my kids to this school if it's so crappy? I tried going somewhere else last year with Phoenix, got the t-shirt, never doing it again. And a crappy school close to home is better than a nice school far away.
Anyway, the principal was going on about how the kids would learn more this year than any students in the previous years. He's obviously trying to hold on to his job. He said the preschoolers would have to read and write their names, something Phoenix learned to do in kindergarten, learn all the ABC's and be able to count and write the numbers from one to one hundred.
Kale must have been the only child listening, or maybe he just understood a little better, because when he heard what he was expected to learn his head snapped in the Principal's direction and he practically yelled out, "What? That's not fair. It's too hard!" Well, we all know Kale has never been quiet about his opinions. After the adults laughed at how funny he was Kale looked at the principal like he wished he could shoot lasers out of his eyes at the man.
When the man left the teacher finished handing out name tags and told the students that she wanted to show them the bathroom and to line up. She also said it was time for the parents to go home. Kale looked at the lady like she had lost her damned mind and said, "I don't like you!" I had to pull him away for a moment to tell him it was not nice to talk to his teacher that way and to never do it again.
Then he started begging. Oh, I felt like such a heel when he said, "Britt, you're leaving me with a stranger?"
I remember thinking to myself, Why doesn't he just stab me in the chest? It would hurt less.
After a little discussion I put him in line with the other kids and told him if he wasn't good he would have to clean his room when he got home. One of the other parents thought it was very funny when he said, "No! Don't make me clean!"
I left him walking down the hall with the rest of his class while he cried for me not to go. Turn the knife!
So, now I actually have time on my hands. I think I'll take a nap.

Jul 29, 2009

I'm incognito... Shhhh.

I have resorted to drastic measures to afford myself some time on the computer.
Everyone is asleep right now, except Kale, and I bribed him with chochat mout to let me have a turn before he starts listening to Halo on you tube.
I'm surprised the computer hasn't flashed a warning on the screen, "DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!" With the constant use it's had to endure I am proud it hasn't blown up yet.
Dakota has recently introduced the boys to Wizard 101, an online game where they can create their own wizard and go through wizarding school to obtain new powers. It has become impossible for me to get ANY time on the computer. Amoo is seriously considering buying a laptop because even once Dakota goes back home we still have to fight over computer time with Phoenix and Kale.
I forgot to write about my return flight from Texas.
As soon as the plane started moving I lost what little grip I have on reality. I could feel every shudder in the plane and was sure during takeoff that we were going to explode. After we got in the air and the plane stopped shaking I was alright and even spent the two hour flight looking at the clouds from above. But when we started descending again the plane shook and I was back to imagining my imminent, fiery death and hoping my children would be okay without me.
So yeah, flying... never doing that again. Ever!
A while ago the boys got really sick and I couldn't get them an appointment at the clinic, they were all full, so I ended up taking them to the Children's Hospital Emergency Room. I love the people there. They treat your kids as if they are the center of the universe and cater to their every whim while seeing to whatever illness they have.
The nice doctor who was treating them had to swab their throats, to check for strep. Phoenix didn't like it, because his throat was raw, but he took it like a man. I'm lucky I had the forethought to hold Kale down because he tried to hit the woman. And if she hadn't held his legs still he would have kicked her right in her protruding, obviously pregnant, belly. She brought them Popsicles to sooth their throats while we waited for the bacteria to grow. The entire ten minutes it took for her to come back Kale whined about how his throat hurt because the lady stabbed him in the mouth. And he wanted to go home so he could tell Amoo what I had let the lady do to him. And on, and on it went.
It turned out they both had strep so we got our prescriptions and went to the pharmacy. It didn't take very long to get them filled but while I waited in line to pick it up I caught Phoenix and Kale trying to take apart a display case for breast pumps. After I got them to sit back down I didn't dare turn my back so I stood in line staring right at them to make sure they wouldn't try it again. Another customer noticed and asked why I was watching them so closely. I told him what they had tried to do and that it's happened before. That I knew the moment I took my eyes off them they would be back at it. I thought the man was going to choke on his laughter. It is funny... until your child hands you the four foot neon light bulb from the kiosk he just took apart. Explaining that to the bank teller was fun, I especially loved her face when she saw that he had no tools, just a stuffed teddy bear.
Good Times.
A few days after we got the boys their antibiotics my ears started really hurting. They kind of hurt all the time because of all the scarring from the many perforations, but when the whole side of your head hurts and you can't think of anything besides the pain, that's when it's ready to pop. I went to the E.R. and got myself some antibiotics. Unfortunately when I got out all the pharmacy's were closed and the 24 hour one was just too far away for me to drive in the current agony I was feeling. So I went home, drugged up, and slept like a baby. The next morning the pain was worse, if you can believe it. I went to the pharmacy and picked up a few other things we needed while I waited. I took the antibiotic before I even left the store, but deep down I knew I was too late. When you start panting and crying from the pain is just before it's about to burst. (Yes, I've got this ear infection thing down to a science.)
I barely got home and stumbled into the kitchen when it finally popped. It's an interesting experience. If you take away the gut wrenching pain, it really is interesting. You can hear the fluid pushing against the membrane of the eardrum and when it pops it makes multiple gurgling noises while it spits the fluids into your ear canal.
I didn't know until the pain eased a bit that I was screaming and Amoo had run up the stairs yelling for someone to tell her what was wrong. She hadn't known I was home yet and must have thought one of the kids were hurt.
I felt bad for worrying her but I kind of didn't have a choice. But after your ear pops, man it feels so much better. With a normal person the pain just goes away because the pressure is gone. Unfortunately my eardrums are thicker and tend to have little micro burstings for the next day or so. I'm not quite sure how it works, or why but many doctors have marveled at the sight of my ears. I'm a medical wonder.
Yay Me!
We've had a weird week and I still haven't gotten to the worst part yet. But I think I'll just let Amoo tell it.
Shaun Michael McCurry was a good friend of Amoo's who died this past Saturday. He is and always will be missed.

Jul 11, 2009

Gummy Bears

All the grand kids were introduced to the gummy bear song while at Amoo's house. And the world may never be the same.
Lord, give me strength.
Wow! I had no idea how much time it takes to upload a video to a post. I think I grew a few gray hairs just now. I wonder how much I can add to this post before it finishes loading? I can just keep prattling on about absolutely nothing forever. Until you are so tired of reading this crap that you leave my blog spot with a vow never to return. Man, trying to type about nothing is harder than I thought. What to do... what to do?
Oh! I know. I can tell you about the movie I just watched. I have a rule: I have to watch any movie all the way through once, no matter how much it sucks. Street Fighter almost made me break that rule. I always give a new movie a chance, and who knows, maybe it will get better at the end. But not that piece of crap. I shudder to think of the amount of money that went into the making of such a waste of time and film. If I had paid to see it I would sue the filmmakers for mental distress. It was almost painful to watch and I had to force myself to sit through the whole thing. Not even the fight scenes were exciting enough to appeal to me. If I were to rate it on a scale of one to ten I would give it negative five. Someone should have to pay me for the time wasted on it and- Damn! When is this stupid video going to finish loading? Sitting here, waiting is almost as painful as sitting through that movie... almost.
Mom called me into her room for something and saw that a piece of my hair was hanging down my face and looked like it was sticking up my nose. So... being the classy girl that I am I said, "He who controls the spice controls the universe!" I'm such a dork! Speaking of dorks, how come Tobi doesn't like the movie 'Clash of the Titans?' It was way cool and shall forever be one of my favorite flicks. Sure the effect were not very special, but you have to consider the time it was made in. Back then, when fire was first discovered, they were super special.
Okay, so I can't get my video to post.
Damn! I'll have to call Tobi and ask her how to fix it.

Jul 7, 2009

It really is BIGGER in Texas

The latest drama, well besides the family reunion with seven grand children under my roof and all the chaos that naturally comes with such a gathering, is that I (Britt, the one who never goes anywhere,) am in Texas. Friday the 3rd was the day Tobi was going to leave our house and return from whence she came. But when she woke up she had a problem. Her neck was cramping and she couldn't turn it very much. Everyone who has a brain cell knows that you have to turn your head while driving so she didn't know what to do. She wanted to go home and be with her hubby but she couldn't drive. I hadn't even heard about the drama when I went into the kitchen and told Tobi that we should just leave Mom with my kids so I could escape with her to Texas. Tobi shocked me to my toes when she said, seriously, "Go pack a bag." After much wimbbling on Tobi's part she decided I really was driving her and we set about getting me a plane ticket home and packing the car. I also had to take Kale to Sparky's house because Mom can't get him a babysitter for Monday and Tuesday. Dakota can watch Phoenix but we still don't trust him with Kale, also known in our household as the destroyer and lover of all things fire.
I have to admit, I am such a dork. I had so much fun doing noting more than keeping the car between the white lines for nearly twelve hours. Tobi obviously hates road trips, maybe because she had two kids in the back who wanted to get the heck out of their car seats and run around. Most people would hate being stuck in a car for that long but I had fun, probably because I had no children in the backseat trying to kill each other for looking out the others window. There were no arguments between Cora and Alec about, "he's breathing on me," or "she looked at me with a mean face." That is pretty much how all the fighting in the back of my car at home starts. Kale has territory issues and Phoenix loves baiting him. (Sometimes I do it too. It's just too funny watching him get angry over something so small like, looking at his favorite toy.)
Kansas wasn't the most stimulating place to drive through, but the tornado's and fierce storms kept me on my toes. I noticed, after Tobi told me to look for them, that there are quite a few anti- abortion billboards in Kansas, and also the inexplicable Jesus sign saying he believes in you and other such inspiring phrases.
When we stopped for dinner we fed the kids McDonald's, but Tobi wanted to go to Braums, a place I had never heard of but she said had the best burgers on the planet. We woke up Joel to get directions and set off in the rain to the place. When we got there we placed our orders and got our drinks and some ice cream for the kids. While I was filling my cup with root beer the lady who took our order told us that the tornado sirens were going off and the funnel cloud was only about five minutes away from our location so could we please follow her into the 'milk room?' I followed the woman through the area where they prepare food into what can only be described as a huge freezer. Cora and Alec were dressed for mid summer, naturally, and their lips turned blue almost instantly. The kind woman who escorted us to the freezer retrieved two coats for the kids to wrap up in. I have to admit, it was the funnest thing that happened all day. Tobi and I were laughing at our luck and we took many pictures of the milk room because no one would have believed us without proof. When the sirens fell silent we went back out and had to wait a few minutes for them to make our dinner, but hot damn, it was worth it. The fries were the very best I've ever had in my life and the burger, while not the best was pretty damned close. It was so freaking good and made all the better by the very nice people who served us. I would go back to that place just for the people even if their food wasn't divine. After stuffing my face to full capacity we went to the restrooms and set of again. We drove for a few more hours until we got to Wichita where we started looking for a motel. It was difficult and I got lost more than once trying to get into the stupid parking lot. When we finally made it to our room we pretty much just fell into bed. Tobi said she woke up in the middle of the night just a little too close to me and had to scoot back over so we weren't spooning. Weird experience. Tobi felt like driving the next morning and that's pretty much all we did the whole day. I wasn't as entertained sitting in the passenger seat so I plucked my eyebrows, played in Tobi's makeup, drew a picture, made wannabee hieroglyphics on the paper from a fruit by the foot snack. I listened to my music player and got the kids everything they wanted, movies, snacks and drinks. In Oklahoma City we stopped for gas and bathroom at the worst gas station in the whole world. I am so not joking. The bathroom was scary and I had to hug Cora while she used it so she felt safe enough to go potty. I took pictures so my readers would understand how horrifying it was, though I think the camera failed to capture the many flies in the small space. GROSS! When we got to Waco Tobi decided to let me drive, for which I was grateful. I didn't want to tell her but I was kind of bored sitting in the passenger seat. We were about an hour away from her house when I got pulled over. I was sure I hadn't been speeding because I had the cruise control on. But I still was panicked that they were going to give me a ticket. After a quiet fight between Tobi and I about how to unlock the window on her side so we could speak to the cop we handed over my driver's license and her insurance information. He said he had pulled me over because I failed to move into the left lane while an emergency vehicle was on the right shoulder. I had seen signs in Kansas and Oklahoma saying to do that but none in Texas, but there was no way I would have pointed that out to the cop. I apologized profusely and he let us go with a warning. Not twenty minutes later we saw a lighted billboard saying to move over into the left lane for emergency vehicles. Go figure. When we got to Tobi's house the kids ran around almost non-stop for an hour. Joel made us teriaki beef and rice on the grill. I have to say that the first bite was awful, way too salty, but damn, that flavor tasted better each bite I took. I even went back for seconds and ate some leftovers the next day. It was very good, but you had to give it more than one try.
Yesterday Tobi took me to Ikea, the most wonderful place to go shopping. They even have cinnamon rolls that can compare to Amoo's, they're not as good, mind you, but they are pretty close. I had no idea that you could buy a couch for $200.00, and not a POS, a really good one. I loved that place and wish we didn't have to leave. Then they took me to the very best part of the whole visit to Texas. We went to Rudy's. It was just a gas station that also served Bar-b-q. They serve your food in waxed paper and give you like a half a loaf of bread to eat with it. Your plates a thicker waxed paper. I thought it was so weird until I tasted the meat. Holly Hannah, talk about instant orgasm in your mouth! It was moist and seasoned perfectly and I was so full and happy when we were done eating. Who would have thought that a little meat on a plain old piece of bread could taste so very good? It totally took me by surprise. While typing this I've been eating cold leftovers from that place on a tortilla and it's just as good cold. Can they get nothing wrong?
Anyway, I'm leaving today and I'm sure I will have more stories to tell about my flight. I haven't been on a plane since I was ten. Who knows what's gonna happen.
I can't get the computer to reposition my pictures so they're just going to have to stay where they are.

Jun 16, 2009

Mr. Fix-it-and-I'll-kill-you.

Living in a house hold with no adult men has taught me that sometimes you just need a knowledgeable man to fix certain things.
It has also taught me that none of my male relatives living in Colorado should be the ones you call for the fixing.
Our ice machine wasn't making ice anymore so we shut off the water valve under the sink and bought our own ice. Josh came over one day and said he 'fixed it.' Two days later the leaking water had seeped down through the floor to the laundry room. After much tinkering I got it to shut off again. He had unscrewed the valve so far that the threads of the thing couldn't catch to tighten anymore.
Our computer had windows vista.
I hated it. Our computer was slow as hell and certain programs wouldn't work, depending on the user. Sounds weird right? It's true.
For example: Amoo couldn't get Internet explorer to work on her profile, but it worked for everyone else. We had a guest profile for the kids and the parental controls wouldn't let them view anything on the Internet, no matter how much I fiddled with the settings. We had to create a completely new profile for them. MP3 rocket wouldn't connect on my profile, but it worked for everyone else.
It was a pain in the ass, but we worked around it to the best of our abilities.
Robert came over last Saturday and was 'fixing' the computer for like four hours. I've never really gotten along with the man so I spent the whole day avoiding him. For some reason, which only makes sense to him, he deleted EVERYTHING off our computer, even windows vista and installed some version of windows XP. Amoo says she saved everything on some file somewhere, but I really can't find it.
It's like buying a new computer. I've spent the last couple days searching for Phoenix and Kale's websites to put them on favorites, which is the only way they know how to use the Internet. Today is the first time I've used the computer for myself since 'the great cleaning of the slate' and I am less than amused. Half the websites I use constantly tell me I have an outdated version of Internet explorer and need to download a newer version. When I try doing that it sits there for 45 minutes doing NOTHING, until I have to shut it all down with Ctrl, Alt, Delete.
Makes me miss the windows vista drama. It was screwed up, yes. But at least I could work around the crap. I knew what worked and what didn't.
Like a crappy car. Yes you have to use the janky light switch to turn on the heater, but at least I know where the hell the switch is!
Amoo has requested that I stop bitching about the computer. And now that I've gotten it all out, I'm done.
So there! Neener, neener, neener!

Jun 12, 2009

I'm still alive... dumb ass.

Dakota has been visiting lately and only just left which is why I've been neglecting my bloggish duties.
Every five minutes while he was here he was doing one of the following:
1. Eating something. In which case I have to tell him to get the hell out of the kitchen, monitor his portions so he doesn't eat half a gallon of ice cream in one sitting, or instruct him on the correct way to prepare his 'snack' so he doesn't burn down the kitchen.
2. Building a fort. When he does this he moves every piece of furniture in the room and uses every blanket and pillow in the house, which he drags all over the floor before putting them back on our beds. Once he stuck push pins in Phoenix's mattress and left them there for us to find. Little surprises.
3. Yelling at or beating on Phoenix and Kale in 'self defense.' Sure Kale bites but a 12 year old should be able to retreat safely from a 6 and 4 year old without hurting them. Ya think?
Anyway, it's been crazy. Like super crazy. I've been self medicating with large quantities of chocolate and books to keep myself from murdering him in his sleep.
Did I say that out loud? I meant I love him to death. Literally.
Right now I'm covered in mosquito bites and I am sooooooooo not exaggerating.
I have thirteen on my left side, apparently that's the juiciest meat, and I have four on the right. And those are just the parts of my body that I can see. I'm going to start burning citronella candles in my bedroom because I haven't been outside much at all. It's been raining and hailing of and on for seven days and I'm not much of an outdoor person anyway.
I swear! There's some kind if newsletter circulating in the insect kingdom that has me on the top ten list of tasty human meals.
The other day I went to get groceries with Kale. He went to the bathroom before we left but, of course, had to go poop in the middle of the shopping. And wouldn't my luck have it, they were cleaning the ladies room and had it blocked off. I had to take him into the men's room and keep my eyes on the ceiling so I wouldn't see anyone at the urinals. I'm surprised I wasn't arrested or something. There were a couple kids in there who thought they were in the wrong bathroom and one very unhappy man who looked like a black Arnold Swartzeneger. (I have no idea if I spelled that right, and I sort of don't care.)
Today I made baby back ribs for Amoo. I cooked those puppies for three hours at 300 F. then finished them on the grill to add that carbon monoxide flavor, good eatin'.
When it was time to get them off it started hailing. After spending almost four hours on the dish I wasn't about to abandon them simply to avoid getting wet. So, in one of my brightest moments, I braved the severe weather to save the ribs.
I have to say... WOW! I never knew how much it hurt to get hailed on. It felt like little bee stings, one right after another. I even caught one in the eye, little stinger. It was fun, no really. I can't wait to try it again.
Dumb Ass.
I never understood how much my mother suffered when we were teenagers, now I know.
Xandra's not even a teenager yet and I'm ready to kill her. She walks around the house holding her boobs, complaining that her 'little peaches' hurt because they're growing. She 'fell' down yesterday and I had to go searching the stores for an ace bandage because of her 'injured ankle.' The same ankle she was jumping and dancing on five minutes before I left to get the bandage. She thinks anything bought from any store not in the mall is sub-par and just 'wouldn't be caught dead' in it. I used to beat up people who acted like that in high school.
So Mom, I am so, so, so sorry for you having to endure not one, not two, but three teenage girls all at the same time. There are no words to express my sympathy for such a plight. It should be outlawed for a woman to have to go through such hell. I know now that I wasn't given girls because whoever is in charge of the universe knew I would end up killing them the first time they told me I was 'so stupid for wearing that!'
Woman, I am sorry.
It does help if I remember one thing. When all this started Amoo told me that teenage girls NEVER make sense. They are not rational. They will never be. If they are making sense, they are probably sick or have PMS.
I hate you Sarah. Today Xandra told me she thinks her butt is too big. And could I take a look at it and give her my opinion?
Curse you and your female spawning loins.
Kale just ran up to me buck naked with his 'tenders' swinging in the breeze. When I asked him why he was naked he said, "I HAVE TO GO POOP!"
Well duh!
That explains everything, now doesn't it?

May 22, 2009

For A Change, Dumb Ass.

I'm on time for a change! What miracle be this?

I forgot something in last weeks CF, so I figured I would start with the doozy Kale layed on me.

Phoenix and Kale were chasing each other through the basement, big shocker right?

I was searching Amoo's DVD collection for a movie, which is no easy task. I'm sorry to fall off subject but I hate that she never, never, NEVER, puts the discs back in the correct case! I go to put back Twilight and in the case I find the Lord Of The Rings, I go to put that one back and I find Serenity! And it never ends! By the time I get to the point where all the movies are in the correct cases I will have forgotten what the hell I was looking for in the first place. It's rubbing off on the kids too!

Sorry for the brief rant but it's just one of those things that bugs the crap, (see woman I didn't swear,) out of me.


Phoenix chased Kale up the stairs and a few seconds later he let out the 'Come Mommy' howl. You know the one that says, "Something is TERRIBLY wrong, so come quick!" I shot up the stairs like a bolt of lightning, thinking that someone was hurt, into complete bedlam. I was literally struck dumb for a few seconds by what I was seeing.

For some reason, which is only clear to a four year old, Kale grabbed a half full gallon of white paint on his way up the stairs and bashed it open on the back porch. Then he smeared it all around with his hands while running through it like a chicken with it's head cut off. When I found my voice I asked him why he had the paint in the first place and he said, I kid you not, these were his exact words, "I didn't do anything! Phoenix is trying to blame it all on me!"

The fact that he was covered in paint and his brother had not a drop on him must not have factored into his equation. I was so mad and screamed at him like a shrew for a few minutes. I hosed him and the porch down then put him in the bath.

My camera was lost last week so I didn't get pictures at the time, but the latex paint will probably never come off unless we use a sand blaster.

So Wednesday night I got home from work, walked into my room and found a baby bird in the middle of my floor. I thought it was dead until I went to pick it up, to take it to the trash outside, and it opened it's mouth. The poor thing was bloody and couldn't move at all. I could tell it's neck was broken and it was just suffering so I did something I hate my cats for, I put it out of it's misery.

This was not a regular little bird. It was as long as my hand, had very long legs and a long, pointy beak. I washed my hands and went to bed, which means I read for about two hours while waiting to get drowsy enough to achieve the coveted sleep. I think it was about 1 am when I finally drifted off.

At 3:14 am I heard a sound like a car alarm go off in my room. I shot out of bed, startled out of a dead sleep to find Memnock dropping another baby bird in my bed at my feat. It was the same kind of bird only this one wasn't mutilated yet, just squawking loudly in it's terror.

I shooed the cat away and put the poor baby in a box with an old flannel sheet to keep it warm. I had to lock it in the bathroom because the cats wanted their bird back. I mean they really wanted it back, like a lot. Both Memnock and River stood at the door all night meowing and trying to get their paws under the door.

I couldn't sleep at first because I had to wait for the adrenalin to wear off, then I couldn't sleep because of the racket my cats were making. I think I got about an hour of sleep before Amoo woke me up to take Phoenix to school.

As soon as I was up I called animal control. They assured me they would be at my house within half an hour so I decided to just wait for them and drive Phoenix to school. After waiting two hours, half of that time spent waiting on hold with animal control, I find out that the operator who took my call at 7 am got EVERYTHING wrong.

He got one number in my address wrong, so they showed up at my neighbor's house and in the report it said I owned a bird who had brought in an injured cat.

Am I the only one that doesn't make sense to?

While I was on the phone with another operator the animal control officer showed up across the street to look for the injured cat again. I got his attention and brought out the bird. I tried to explain that I was the one who had called him and the operator had given him the wrong information, but he seemed to think I was wrong because he had seen an injured white cat slinking around another house.

What are the odds?

He told me he thought it was a baby Woodpecker before he stashed it in his truck. When I got back into the house I found the reason why the cats felt the need to bother me all night long. I forgot to give them a can of wet food before I left for work and when I got home I was so traumatized by the baby bird that I forgot again.

Lesson Learned: Don't screw with the cat's gravy.

I took pictures of the first bird so I could look it up on the Internet and find out what kind it was. I didn't have more than one brain cell functioning at 3 am so I forgot to take a picture of the healthy one.

Phoenix drew the two birds.

Wouldn't you think my story was over by now? If only.

After the bird was in the right hands I left to drive Phoenix to school, late. When we were about halfway there traffic came to a dead stop on Colorado Blvd. They were doing construction on the road and had all the lanes funneled down to one lane on the left. I turned right down a side street to avoid the CF of idiots trying to merge and the other idiots trying to keep them from merging in front of them.

About two blocks after I turned off the main road I came to a huge crash caused by people, high on coffee, trying to drive and think at the same time. There were only two lanes but both were blocked by the mess. I tried going down another street but it ended in a sign that said it was closed for construction.

I got lost trying to get the hell out of there and after about 15 minutes found my way back onto Colorado Blvd right before traffic merged into one lane. No one had moved much, all the same cars were still waiting in line.

I gave up. It just wasn't meant to be. I turned around and went back home.

Isn't that enough drama for one day? You'd think so, but nooooooooo.

On the way home I traded cars with Amoo because she wanted me to put some gas in Josh's car. When I got home James was in the back yard cutting the grass and Kale was riding his bike. I got to the back door and realized I had given my keys to Amoo and had Josh's keys, none of which would unlock the house. I had to lift Phoenix up on my shoulders, (by the way, he weighs 79 pounds,) so he could crawl into my bedroom window and unlock the door from the inside.

Of course, he didn't feel very secure sitting so high and kicked me in the face a couple of times in front of a laughing James while Kale ran around us yelling that he wanted to go through the window too. It was crazy weird and wow... I very much hope that I won't have to do it again.

Phoenix enjoyed a free day off of school and I slept for like three hours on the couch while he and his brother played video games and listened to I'm Blue a thousand times on You Tube.

It's just too much for one woman to bear in one day! But hey, it makes me VERY grateful for the days when life is a little smoother.



May 18, 2009

Dumb Ass WEEK!

Okay, so the mother ship has informed me that I cannot use the F-word on my blog. I informed her in the most mature way I know, by placing my fingers in the shape of a W and saying 'whatever!', that I am an adult and may use any language I wish. She then told me that she is still my mother, and as such, I will have to obey her wishes on this matter or she will sit on me. She also said, 'Sometimes might does make right.'
She makes a compelling argument, so I have edited the offensive word out of this weeks post. Damned woman and her evil plot to turn me into a good and moral person. Diabolical, that one.
This entire week was one big CF. (Cluster F**k)

I burned my finger with hot glue while helping a slightly impaired Amoo put the finishing touches on Cora's Princess P3 cape. Not just a little stinger but the kind that hurts like hell if you take it out of cold water for even a few seconds. I slept with the offending appendage in a bowl of ice, woke up in a puddle, (big shocker there) and thought I had peed the bed for the first time in like 25 years.

Dumb ass.
But it was so totally worth it. I mean the cuteness cannot be contained. We need sunglasses to view this piece of princess perfection.

I took my two kids to a school carnival on Friday and spoiled them with a whole lot of candy, games, and toys. I put sunblock on both of them but forgot to spray myself.
Dumb ass.
I now have a red tint to my forehead, nose and cheeks and a very pronounced line showing where my sunglasses were shielding my face. I think it looks hideous, but it at least shows that I had enough sense to save my eyes from the sun.
I did learn that everyone in that school knows and loves Phoenix and after the first five minutes they fell under Kale's I'm-being-so-cute spell. I swear he has learned the art of party manners to a master's degree. He lulls the unsuspecting strangers into thinking he's just the most innocent thing they've ever seen. Then when they least expect it... he pounces! Usually after he shows his true personality I find the previously mentioned stranger tied up with duct tape and roasting over a fire like the camp councilors in 'Adams Family Values.'
The kids had way too much fun and I was glad, I really was. But I was so very exhausted by the time it was over. Four hours in the sun + sugared up kids + one or two hundred strangers = one very strung out mama.

I was supposed to go to work on Saturday night but Xandra was over for the first time in like two months so I decided to stay home and go on Sunday. Big dumb ass move.
I'm getting to that.
Last night I went to work...
Have you noticed that a whole lot of my dumb ass stories start with the phrase: I went to work?
Work was fine. I got through my cleaning with no injuries or embarrassing moments. I should have known it was too good to be true. I was in the car on the way home, just two blocks away from my driveway when Amoo called.
She had that desperate tone in her voice when she asked how far I was from being done with the work and coming home. And she sounded like she was going to burst into tears and kiss my feet when I told her I was less than three minutes from home.
I asked why she was so relieved and she said that Phoenix had thrown up on everything. He threw up on the leather couch, the bathroom, the hallway carpet and walls, Amoo, and even Kale.
When I got home he was on the other couch sipping water and had a raging fever. He threw up three more times after Amoo retreated down the stairs, with her white flag flying, and each time was traumatic.
Phoenix kept arching his back and neck when he heaved but was also trying to breathe in. I was afraid he would aspirate and that I would have to give him the Heimlich maneuver or CPR so I forced his head down into the designated vomit receptacle. He, of course, thought I was trying to kill him and as soon as he got a breath started screaming that I was hurting him and to let him breathe.
I'm rather surprised that child protection services didn't show up at my door last night or today.
Even Amoo woke up out of her deep drugidoodidy to ask if I was killing him. I got to spend the night and most of today scrubbing the house with bleach. I think I ruined the leather couch but the death of all that bacteria is sooooo worth it, true? I scrubbed so long that my muscles ache.
It was fun. No really, I can't wait to do it again.
And on that note...
Kale has a fever.
Yay me!


While I was spell checking this post Kale came to me for loving after he hurt himself running through the house. While being hugged and getting his back rubbed he says to me, "Britt, I'm sorry I buried your ring at the big park and can't find it anymore."

I asked him what ring he buried and it turns out it was the one with the tribal type symbols on it. I've been looking and wondering what happened to that thing for months.

Life is never boring with these two.

May 9, 2009

Dumb Ass...Friday. Yes, I know it's Saturday. So what?

A few days ago I got maybe an hour sleep and had a busy day so didn't get a nap in. That night I took two Dramamine so I could get sleep. Normally I go to sleep around 11 pm - midnight but that stuff kicked in very quickly and as soon as I got my boys' teeth brushed and tucked them into their beds ,at 8 pm, I passed out. I even forgot to turn off my light. At four thirty the next morning I popped out of bed like a toaster strudel and couldn't go back to sleep. Go figure.
So I took a shower and shaved all the way up my legs, ooh, I'm a sexy bitch. Then I plucked my shaggy eyebrows and painted my finger and toenails. After braiding my hair I still found myself with an hour of time to kill before anyone in the house woke up. So for the first time in at least two, maybe even three months I put on make up.
Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuunnnnn!!!
It's been a while so it took me forever to get my eyeliner strait, but eventually I got my eyes done. If you don't already know I only wear eye makeup. My lips are too thin for lipstick and I can't stand wearing base or powder on my face. I skeeves me out.
Mom almost fell over dead when she saw me.
Anyway, at the end of the day my eyes felt like they were on fire. Maybe my makeup is too old or maybe I just used too much eyeshadow and it fell into my eyes, but it hurt. I washed it off and looked at my face.
I nearly died laughing. It looked like I had two bruised eyes and the whites of my eyes were all red from the irritation.
Looked like a crack whore who was bitch slapped by her pimp for not earning enough in one night.
Good times dumb ass.

I went to Albertsons to get some groceries for Mom's mother's day breakfast. I don't know where I left my brain but it surely wasn't on me when I decided to let Phoenix have control of the shopping cart. Kale was pissed that we were at the store and not at home playing Lego Batman so he sat in the basket, placed his head on his arms and went to sleep.
Phoenix knocked over a display of Sobe drinks, big shocker there. There were two other shoppers who took pity on me and helped me put the bottles, thankfully they were plastic, back into place. They told me that this was how they learned not to let their own kids drive the cart.
So the whole time I'm picking the stuff up, and planning my son's murder, Phoenix was saying, "Man Kale why did you do that?" I told him Kale was asleep and that it was his fault but he just pointed at his slumbering brother and said he kicked it while pretending to sleep.
That's his story and he's sticking to it. It doesn't matter that I saw it happen, he says I'm wrong, damn it, wrong. I wasn't mad at him, just very embarrassed, until he was throwing a fit in the canned foods aisle and knocked over a bunch of cans of peas. I made him put every single one back with every label facing forward.
When we got home Phoenix was pissed that I was mean to him at the store so he took the bag with eggs and a pie shell in it and threw it across the kitchen. The only reason he is still alive is because he is extremely lucky. None of the eggs or the pie shell was broken. Maybe he's Irish on his dad's side.
I love going out with my boys. No really.

On Monday Phoenix woke up with a fever of 102.5 so I kept him home. Tuesday and Wednesday he had a fever as well and the school said he couldn't come back to school until 24 hours after he stopped showing symptoms. Every day I called the school to tell them he wouldn't be there they asked me what his symptoms were because of the flu going around. On Wednesday the lady asked if I was taking him to the doctor and I told her the earliest appointment I could get was on Friday so he wouldn't be in until at least Monday.
I'm not sure what she said to the school nurse but it must have been drastic because later that day I got a call from Phoenix's clinic. The nurse asked me if I was aware that the nurse from Knight Academy was calling them and trying to get privileged information about my son. I made sure that she wasn't told anything then I called the school. The school secretary sounded shocked when I told her what my clinic had told me and immediately connected me to the nurse.
I tried my hardest to be polite as possible while smoke poured out of my ears and flames shot out of my eyes. She said that her district supervisor told her to do it and that she was only following orders.
I asked her if she really was a nurse.
She said yes, she was.
I then asked her if she really was a nurse why she didn't seem to know what HIPPA was and why she thought she could get any information on my son without my written consent or a court order.
She didn't really answer that one.
I told her not to do that again and as soon as I got an answer from the doctor I would call them.
It turned out Phoenix had a cold. But even if he did have the swine flu the doctor wouldn't have treated him for it. Because it's no more life threatening than the regular flu.
Dumb ass freaking school nurse.

May 1, 2009

Dumb Ass Friday. Yes, on time.

Wednesday I got home from work and my world was spinning like I had spent the last several hours buried face first in a bottle of vodka. I don't know what brought it on but I couldn't stand to lie down. I tried taking a shower in an attempt to sooth my brain back to a standstill. I didn't really get anything accomplished besides slipping a few times, and who knew you could drop a bar of soap on your foot in just the right way to make it really hurt? I guess I'm that talented. Maybe next week I'll find out how to strangle myself with a Kielbasa.

Today I went to the store with my two boys, (demons) I mean angels, of course. Yeah... that's what I meant.

They rode the Penny Pony six times each and Phoenix managed to follow the cord from the bottom of the pony to an outlet behind a red box and nearly electrocuted himself while trying to unplug it in an attempt to thwart Kale's turn to ride. Where was I? Trying to convince Kale that standing up on the saddle while the thing is moving is NOT a good idea.
"But why can't I? I will look so cool!"

After assuring the good people working there that he was alright I hung my head in shame and marched us all out to the car.

It was locked and the keys were still inside. Why you ask?

Phoenix and Kale wanted to listen the rest of the song playing on the CD player while I got out and made sure I had everything I needed for the store. (When you have kids like mine you learn that anything and everything can disappear from your purse at any given time. So I have learned to check for my money and ID before I get to the checkout and make an ass of myself.)

In Kung Fu Panda master 'Whatever his name is' the turtle, tells master Shi Fu that 'We often open the path to our destiny by trying to avoid it.' Well it was something like that.

Phoenix and Kale finished listening to their song and got out of the car. I asked my eldest if he had the keys and like a good little monster he said yes, even though they were still in the ignition.

I know, I know! Dumb Ass! At least I didn't leave the damn thing running.

When we got out to the car I had to call Amoo and have her drive to the store, luckily we were less than a mile from her work, and bring me the spare keys.

I just finished watching a movie called Marley and Me. While it doesn't have much to do with me being a dumb ass it does tie into my stories for my Friday blog.

It's not really about a dog. If you have kids and a family you know it's about what real life is like. About the choices we make and even when what you choose sucks and it feels too hard, it is still your life. And when you look back on everything that is your life would you change any of it? Even the bad times?

So, yes life is hard. Yes, I am a single mother who struggles every day just to survive to the next one. Yes, my children are little terrorists in training and my house is a constant war zone complete with booby traps and a four year old's equivalent of land mines. (Those little toys hurt on the feet.) But if I could go back and change my decision to have my kids and raise them, would I?

Hell No!

Because how many people make you feel special and rare? How many times in your life will you feel like you are the most important person in the whole world? Every day when you kiss the boo boo on their toe or are thanked for making them their favorite dessert. When they wake you up way too early on a Saturday morning to give you kisses, complete with morning breath, that's when you know.

Your life will never be the same, and it can't get better than this.

P.S. I think I have PMS right now so don't expect any more mushy moments. I think I've met my quota for the year.


Apr 27, 2009

Dumb Ass... Monday?

Okay... I've been shirking my blogging duties. But that's totally normal for me. I love to procrastinate. I get a forbidden thrill when I put off my blog, like when I used to cut school or leave work early to go to a concert. I just get the feeling like I'm doing something wrong, and yet it feels so right.
So sad.

This first dumb ass moment is dedicated to the Denver Public School's Department of Transportation.
I hate my son's bus schedule. His school doesn't start until 9 am and classes end at 3:45 pm. His bus comes to pick him up at 7:30 am and if they are running on time they drop him off at 5 pm, fricking 5 pm!
Sometimes when the bus is running early they just drop Phoenix at the stop and drive off without checking to make sure he is with a parent. The first time it happened I called the route supervisor and as calmly as possible told him that I was VERY unhappy. He assured me that it would never happen again.
Last week, or maybe it was the week before, I forget, we had a day of rain followed by two days of snow. I got to Phoenix's school at 4:51 pm and he was standing there all alone, in the rain, and crying because he was scared.
I felt like the worst parent in the world and was choking on the wrath I felt toward the bus driver. When we got home I left an extremely nasty message on the supervisor's voice mail, because that late in the day their offices are closed, and spent the rest of the day pampering Phoenix to ease the trauma of the whole experience.
The supervisor spoke to me the next day and, once again, told me it would never happen again. Now I understand it wasn't his fault. It's not like he was driving the bus. So I was less angry with him. I explained that we don't live in the best of neighborhoods and if anything happened to my child after the bus left him there alone I would have ended up owning the department after the law suits were over.
I hope he can scare his employees enough to get them to stop dropping students off early, but I'm still going to show up as early as possible to the bus stop. I don't want to have to sue them because that would mean something bad happened to my son.
I just want him to be safe. Is that really too much to ask?
So to the D.P.S. D.O.T. I salute you as a Dumb Ass.

The other night I went to work and for once no one was there to hear my shrieking voice attempting to hold a tune.
I was walking down the stairs after mopping the floor in the upstairs office when I tripped over the mop. The following chaos was strait out of a Marks Brothers bit. Instead of letting the mop handle go I held on, for some reason, and it pulled me face first into the door jamb at the foot of the stairs. I smacked my forehead on the wall and scraped my shoulder on the jamb. The force I hit the door with caused me to rebound and I fell on the stairs with my back also hitting the back of my head on the edge of a step. The impact was so hard the wind was knocked out of me.
After I could breath again I started laughing hysterically. It was just too funny. I wasn't hurt very badly but I ended up having a headache for a day and the bumps on the front and back of my head have yet to disappear.
That move totally proves I'm a Dumb Ass.

Yesterday I was taking some watercolor pictures that the boys had painted and taping them into a composition book that I keep pictures and drawings in. I ran out of scotch tape so I had to use clear packing tape.
I don't know how it happened but I managed to tape my right hand to the painting. It was weird. I didn't want to damage the picture by pulling my hand out, that packing tape would have ripped it to shreds if I had tried to pull it off the paper. So I decided to use scissors with my left hand.
(BD + Sharp Things = Dumb Ass Moment)
At least I managed not to get any blood on the picture.
In the moment when I released my hand from the tape I jambed the tip of the scissors, Ginsu scissors no less, under the nail of my middle finger. The damn appendage lit off like a geyser. It actually squirted a little, but when I put pressure on it the bleeding slowed and eventually stopped.
Even my son, the soon to be Kindergartner, knows how to be careful with scissors. I worked at Subway for years and had to handle knives and razor sharp slicers all day long. One would think I would have learned how not to stab myself by now. Jeez, it's so sad.
Yes I am still a Dumb Ass.

Apr 10, 2009


I would have done this yesterday but I had a rare day without any monster minions so I got some cleaning done. Yeah, try not to faint.

After cooking our dinner on the grill, beef... fire... good, I started my Friday blog but then Phoenix came home and I was called in as the entertainment supervisor.

We had so much fun. Amoo picked up these little wooden airplanes and trucks and trains for the kids to paint. And knowing how much of a child I still am she got me a bus and a train as well. She's a good Amoo.

Praise the mother!

Anyway I decided to make mine into the Knight Bus and the Hogwarts Express. As soon as I find my camera I'll post some pictures.

Let's see... what happened this week?

I went to Barnes and Noble to pick up a book that Amoo and I wanted, but they didn't have it so I pre-ordered it. Kale loves that place for one reason.

Thomas the Train.

If you haven't ever taken your kids there then you have to do it soon. They get to play with trains while you read whatever book you picked out, plus it has Starbucks. It's as close to heaven as you can get here on earth. Well, second to the Russell Stover Candy Store.

Kale had to go to the bathroom while he was playing with the trains. When we got back to the train area there were these two teeny tiny, itty bitty little girls playing with the trains. They couldn't have been bigger than Cora and were dressed in pink and blue spring dresses with their Mary Jane shoes to match and there hair was all done in pigtails and bouncing curls.

Kale thought they were the fruits of the devil obviously sent by the dark one to thwart his peacefully perfect afternoon.

I thought he was going to murder one or both of them. He ran away from me and snatched a train from the little blond one with the Cindy Lou Who hair and pulled his arm back like he was going to throw it at her. I did a slide to home to my son and disarmed him before he did something I would have to kill him for. I apologized to the little girl's parents and marched his butt out of the train section.

He didn't want to go.

He started screaming blue bloody murder and dug his heels in so I had to swing him over my shoulder and carry his writhing body out of the book store. The whole way out to the car he screamed, "Don't smack me!" and "I want my trains!" So, of course, everyone in the store and parking lot looked at me like I was a child beater. Great for my self-esteem.

Do I really need to point out that I was mortified? I'm sure you get the idea. Do I also need to say that I felt like the biggest Dumb Ass? Goes without saying.

I'm sure you all know the definition of insanity, but it seemed appropriate to start the next disastrous telling of my exploits with a reminder.

Insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over but expecting different results. Just keep that in mind.

On Wednesday I went to work early, dumb ass, because I wanted to get to sleep on time so I could wake up early to get the shopping done and run some errands.

I had my mp3 player blaring and I, again was singing as only a person who thinks she is alone would do. Cats in a meat grinder. After about two songs Vern, the mechanic who sometimes works in dispatch came out, probably to see who was dying. I was shocked, he was shocked and we both went back to our tasks with reddened faces.

After he left I started the singing again, dumb ass, while I mopped. As I pushed the bucket full of steamy chemical rich water I saw two guys poke their heads out of the dispatch room. I nearly fell over the bucket and ended up catching myself in a less than graceful manner. As I fell I said the two words that caught their attention. I will not tell you them because then Amoo will yell at me until I remove them from my blog spot. the initials are JC, I hope she wont me mad.

Both of these men knew my mom and said they were going to tell her I said the aforementioned curse word. I told them if they said anything to her I would put super glue on the toilet seat in the shop. When they left we were all smiling due to the bull shit fest. I hid my shame well until they were gone. When the coast was clear I stomped up and down like a two year old throwing a tantrum while cursing the heavens like a sailor.

When will I learn I ask you? Probably never.