Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Sep 28, 2008

Through the Fire and Flames

I have survived the 6th birthday of my oldest son Phoenix. It was an adventure and Amoo and I should get some kind of award for patience.

It all started last night. Kale was at his grandmas house for the day and Phoenix was bored. I consider it bad form to punish a child so close to a day that's supposed to be all for him, so I swallowed my anger at his behavior as best I could. Eventually, after the third or fourth hour of his whining about being bored, Amoo snapped and said if he didn't stop she was going to have to make him clean, or take a nap.

He just wouldn't shut up.

We wanted to take him to a movie to make up for the lack of entertainment his brother normally provides, but there wasn't anything good playing. Igor was but it had just started when I looked, and the next showing didn't start until well after 8 pm. The only other movie he would have been interested in was Batman, but it's rated PG-13 and I wasn't sure if it would give him nightmares or not.

We settled for a run to the store and rented movies from the Red Box. He picked out some Sonic X cartoon and I got Speed Racer and The Forbidden Kingdom. He loved all three.

When we got home I made him an arrangement of treats as though we were in a theatre. Unfortunately he ate the Almond Joy and fruit snacks before I could snap a picture of our LOAD.

Surprisingly he did not make himself sick.
The above mentioned load consisted of two kinds of potato chips, popcorn, rainbow Twizlers, Kit Kats, Almond Joys and fruit snacks. Oh and we had three kinds of soda. I drank water. I probably would have gone into a sugar coma had I went with the soda.
I had to go to work last night at 9 so Amoo stayed with him and they watched The Forbidden Kingdom. When I got home, at 1 am, he was passed out in her bed. They were both sideways and Phoenix took up 2/3 of the bed while she was huddled up at the foot of it like an obedient pet or something.
At work I had to wax the floors and because of the 2+ years of neglect they've suffered you have to do it the old fashioned way or it ends up looking like you wiped your nose on the tile. So after spending over an hour scrubbing floors I got to come home and carry my 68 pound son down to his bed. The toys littering the stairs added a bit of blind terror to an already dangerous adventure.


Today when Amoo got home from church we lit the candles and sang him Hippo Birdie You You. Mom had the idea to make strawberry short cakes instead of traditional cake, and it was bloody brilliant! He loved it, and almost made himself sick on it.

So, at last count, these are the presents he got:

Indiana Jones Lego for the Wii

The Internet

Ten dollars

Three pots of play dough

A couple books

A Star Wars Clone Wars shirt and a Star Wars Force Unleashed shirt

and last but not least...

A Belly Ache!

I mean, what kids birthday would be complete if they didn't get sick from all the goodies they eat? It's just not right. Besides, I never would have learned to moderate my intake of junk foods if Mom never let me do the same. It teaches you.

Gotta go...


Sep 26, 2008


So Phoenix is turning 6 on Sunday.
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, to YOU, YOU, YOU!
Let us take this moment to give praise to the one and only master of destruction and chaos known to his intimates as Phoenix.
I have to admit he has calmed down quite a lot in the breaking things department.
We are at Wells Fargo and while standing in line Phoenix takes apart a counter with a light in it and is handing us the pieces. The bank teller asks if he has any tools. No, of course I wouldn't arm him with tools. He does, however have a small stuffed bear. Does that count?
We are at Albertson's picking out a coloring book and he takes the screws out of the display rack and hands you a two foot fluorescent light bulb. Again, does he have any tools? No. He just naturally senses the structural weaknesses in any object and exploits them to cause the most fun.
Phoenix spilling milk in the carpet and rather than admit it to me covers it up until the rotten smell draws me to the spot with every cleaning chemical and disinfectant known to modern man.
Phoenix peeling a huge hole in the paint next to his bed and hiding the pieces under Kale's bed, "Oh, Mom won't notice that two foot circle of bare wall," and then blaming Kale for it. If it's under his bed then he must have been the one. Even though we all know Phoenix had a compulsive need to pick at things. Amoo and I have numerous bloody spots on our feet where he gets a little carried away picking at the dead skin. If you say "ouch" and tell him to stop he does, for about three seconds, and then starts digging even harder than before.
Phoenix takeing a permanent red marker attached to a string and spining it round so violently that it sprays on the freshly painted living room walls.
Phoenix throwing all of his, and his brother's, toys on the roof and said it happened in a dream. He has no idea how any of that got up there.
Phoenix taking the full bottle of Windex and spraying the entire kitchen, without wiping any up, until he and his giggling brother can't stand up strait on the very slippery floor.
Phoenix singing... I mean WOW!
If you have ever heard that boy sing you truly know what the term anguish means. It's so cute that I don't have the heart to tell him how bad it sounds. And it is bad.
You can tell he's my son because I can't sing either. But we both seem to get pleasure out of belting out a tune, no matter how off key or off tempo we are.
He has learned to stop doing those things that get him in the most trouble, for the most part.
He does, however, seem to think he is much more intelligent than I am, and feels no qualms about telling me how stupid I am.
This usually happens when he's lost something and I tell him where it is. It doesn't matter if the lost item was actually where I said it was, I'm still stupid for putting it there. Because you know, I love to wear his Spiderman crocks and I just can't get enough of playing with his Bakugan.
He is a pain in the ass sometimes, but he's my pain in the ass and I love him.
A lot!

After My Own Heart

Xandra has a black room.

Yes the queen of pink has moved on to the darker side of girliness, and I have to admit, it looks great.

The black background makes the bright pink jump out at you. It says "I'm a girlie girl, but don't fuck with me."

Amoo and I are trying to decide if we want to put pink skull and crossbones or paw prints on the walls. Maybe a little of both.

She just put in the new curtains two days ago and wow, they really make the room glow. I am so not joking! When the sun shines through the windows it reflects the pink light off the black walls and gives it an eerie, yet feminine aura.

Personally it creeps me out. We all know how much I love the color pink. But I think I like it more because it creeps me out. I think she likes it more for the same reason. We've never seen eye to eye on her style of anything and she loves to make me help Amoo with the latest pink atrocity taking shape in our house.

Amoo had me splatter the very tall cabinet with pink paint and I may hate the color but it just goes so well in the room. The cabinet, by the way, was made in Denver over 100 years ago. I originally painted it black and had it in my room, but it was too large and was covering too much of my pretty walls. Plus it was screaming to go in her room.

Mom really has a knack for this. If we had the money I would start an interior decorating business with her as the designer and me as the grunt who does all the work. She obviously loves doing it and the kids get such a kick out of her ideas.


The Famed Jackass is Back.

If you haven't already noticed, I'm back from my vacation. Where did I go? Away from the Internet. While I have to say it was easy not having to worry about creating new blogs all the time and making sure I read the ones I subscribe to, I have to admit I missed it.
I'm fully prepared to admit my addiction to the Internet, though I am in no way admitting it's a problem. Who ever said addiction was a problem? An idiot, that's who.
So yes, I'm back and already I've screwed up a few things.
First I lost my blog spot, again. Then wrote a scandalous blog on my my space page about it. Then, of course, as soon as I posted it I found my blog spot again.
Say it with me: dumb ass!
I want to change the layout of this blog spot, but I can't figure out how it works. I don't think it works like my space or I would have done it already.
Again: dumb ass!
I also may have earned the wrath of a deity. Anyone reading this should know of Tobi, the goddess of complications and contagion. (For more info, see my my space page and the newest blog on said page)
I ridiculed her for initiating my need to blog. For spreading the addiction and not helping me scratch the itch.
Again: DUMB ASS!
After posting said blog I went back and added an apology to the goddess in hopes she will grant me a swift death instead of the blinding with hot pokers and disembowelment she will no doubt crave when she learns of my impertinence.
Whenever I do something stupid like that I hear the sound of a braying donkey in my head. I've been hearing that sound every few minutes for the past day and a half.
So, yeah. While I missed the Internet it can be such a pain in the ass sometimes.
I must go.
The goddess has decreed many new blogs on several subjects before I am granted a reprieve, and she hasn't even learned of my mistake that will lead to my death yet.
Don't smite me!