Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

May 1, 2008

Hey! What about me?

Kale has informed me that I must write a blog about him. I already planned on it, but he wants it done now.

Last night we went to the store to pick up Phoenix's prescriptions. Kale must think he is in control of everyone else in the world because he wouldn't shut up. While we were walking down the aisles he would hold out his hand at the oncoming traffic and say, "excuse me, excuse me, get out of the way."

I, of course, was mortified that he would say such things to complete strangers and tried getting him to stop. In a way he did. He stopped directing traffic and instead started telling everyone he saw about his skills with the Wii.

"Lady. Lady! I'm good at bowling, you know it?"


"Hey! I learned to golf at home, and I'm really good at it. You know it?"

I swear he would not shut up. But I didn't have the heart to stop him because it was so freaking cute! He just thinks that everyone should stop what they're doing and pay attention to what he's trying to say. And a lot of the time, they do.

For there is no human on this earth who can resist the cuteness of the mighty Kale. Many have tried and all have failed. He's not as cute as Cora, for there is no such creature, but people tend to react the same to him as they do to her.

Oh, your so cute! Can I get you some candy or buy you a toy? I think they know how cute they are and use it as a weapon against us lesser mortals who are powerless to resist such adorableness.

I really think the government will find out about the cuteness we harbor and research this power as a possible weapon.

Who needs biochemical weapons when you can stun and entrance the enemy with a cute little girl in her squeaky shoes and fairy wings?

Or imagine a battlefield. Guns firing on both sides. Smoke everywhere, men cursing the enemy. All of a sudden a three year old boy jumps in front of them and starts talking:

"I got two Freddy Kruger masks and a Leather Face mask and Daddy let me watch Pinhead, you know it? You have a gun, I have a gun I got two super six shooters and a laser gun. Phoenix has the Tommy twenty but he lets me play with it. You got light sabers? I got a force action light saber. It pushes out like 'whooaaa!' when you push the button. And I can do special moves like 'haaa! chow! whatchaaaa!' Phoenix is better at it but he teaches me how to use the force. And we learned to sneak from mommy, you know it?"

He will keep talking about everything and nothing until the enemy just decides it would be easier to surrender. Anything to get him to shut up.

If it were Cora she would have each man carrying a pair of shoes, in case she needs to change the ones she's wearing, and the ones not carrying her shoes will be dotting on her every whim. One will fetch her juice while the other seeks out the episode of Little Einsteins that has Catcheye.

They won't know what hit them.

My poor boy.

Phoenix is sick again.

The poor little guy. He's had the worst year for illnesses. And why?


All those kids just love to share their germs with everyone and they always seem to hit Phoenix the hardest.

His allergies screw with his asthma and his asthma makes his allergies worse. When they work together like that he gets an ear infection. He's had two in the past four months and if he gets another one the doctors want to tube both his ears.

This is not good for him. The summer is just starting and Phoenix lives in water when it's hot. Any restrictions put on that part of his recreation will make him very unhappy.

At least his ears don't hurt yet. Yes I did just knock on wood.

He's just got a bad cough and a fever. I gave him some cough medicine his doctor prescribed. It has codeine in it and he hates the taste.

I took a sip to prove to him that it wasn't poison. It took every ounce of willpower I have to keep from spitting it out. I even had to keep my face strait and pushed out a 'yummy' in an attempt to show him how good it was.

After forcing it down he said he would rather lick the toilet than take any more of that medicine.

The good thing is it works. About half an hour after he took it he came to me and said he felt a lot better. I looked at his glossy eyes and vacant expression and realized he was stoned. Hey, at least his head and throat don't hurt anymore.

It's kind of sad though to see him floating around the house with that funny look on his face. Every time I look at him I hear that Bob Marley song in my head:

"Don't worry... about a thing... cause every little thing... is gonna be alright."

Poor little man. It feels so wrong to have my five year old taking opiates every four hours.

We have discovered one other thing that makes him feel better.

Guitar hero III.

I thought it was May.

What the hell is up with the weather?

I could have sworn it was the first day of May. Did I miss something? I know living in Colorado for so long should keep me from being surprised about anything that Mother Nature throws at us, but I am.

Today it's snowing, and not just a little bit. The snow flakes look like cotton balls and are almost as large. Yesterday was so hot I was sure none of the snow would stay on the ground, but we've already got an inch on the grass. And it's still pounding down fast.

Oh well, at least it's not hot.

The Table That Should Have Been Mine.

Turns out I still have Internet today so I'll add as much as I can.

Amoo has done something evil! She took the dining room table and painted it red to match the stars in the kitchen. The color on the outside of the can seemed to match. Then we opened it.

Holly shite! It wasn't the rusty red that the label showed. It was bright red! Like I just opened a vein and bled all over the table red. Like the lipstick on a Saigon whore red.

We thought it would be like any other paint and just dry a darker shade so we kept on painting.

Apparently rustoleum paint is different. It dried the same shade it was when we put it on. And it's glossy so it really looks like lipstick or nail polish.

In case you don't know this is what my room looks like.

I want the table and chairs. They want to be in my room, they need to be in my room. I must have them.
Don't you think so too? I even have a black table cloth that is round and has spider web shapes in the lace. It belongs in my room.
But she won't let me have them, the evil witch. She loves the color it turned out, even if it doesn't match the kitchen, and she's determined to keep them.
Damn you woman!