Nov 24, 2008
Phoenix had a tooth that was hanging on by a thread and he wouldn't let me pull it out. So I had to sit on him to pin his arms down and yank it out with my fingers. He screamed so loud! I was very surprised that the police or social services didn't show up at my door. If we lived in a better neighborhood perhaps they would have.
After they went to bed I went to work, which, for once, started out pleasant. I should have known that something was brewing. When work seems too easy it usually means it's going to get worse eventually.
I carried the vacuum up the stairs, for obvious reasons, and noticed a trail of dirt and gravel, which is forever in that damned building, leading up the stairs I had just climbed. I knew something was wrong with the machine so I took it apart.
It shouldn't have been so hard to find an X screwdriver in a building full of tools but I really couldn't find a single one, not even a flat head. I had to improvise. I used Amoo's letter opener as a screwdriver, sorry Mom, to take the hose off and check if it was clogged. It wasn't clogged but everything I had sucked up the last time I had used the vacuum came flying out onto the carpet. It came out as a big cloud and POOF! I had to dust everything in the room and sweep the tiled area to the right. I took the bottom half of the stupid cleaner apart and didn't find any clogs either, just more dirt and gravel. I even smacked the filters on the inside to make sure air could pas through them. I put everything back together and swept up what I could. Unfortunately the dirt that came out of the hose had a very orange tint and it looked like I went through that office tossing dried clay dust over my shoulder, which wasn't too far from the truth. I tried the stupid vacuum again, thinking that after cleaning it out it would work again, but the damned thing wouldn't suck!
In a last ditch effort I went into the owner's bathroom and took his mini shop-vac. When it turned on I let out a shout of joy. That man will never throw anything away even if it doesn't work. He has office equipment that could probably be sold as antiques.
The hose had an upholstery attachment but it was only about four inches wide. So it took me two hours to vacuum that damned place. Who knows how old the filter was on that thing? I have used shop-vacs before and normally they have an astonishing amount of power. Maybe this was the first one ever made or perhaps the filter needed changing, but it just wouldn't pick up all the filth on the floor.
When I had gone over the same spots several times and they weren't getting any better, and when my back wouldn't stop cramping from being on my knees for so long, I gave up.
I waxed the floor in Amoo's office, took out the trash and got out of there before I could fuck anything else up.
Normally it only takes about three hours for me to do my job, that's even if I'm stripping and waxing the floors. Last night I got to work at 8:25 pm and I didn't lock up until 1 am.
When I got home I immediately striped off my filthy clothes and showered. All I wanted was my bed and I plopped down with a great sigh of relief, only to shoot strait back up and out with a barely controlled shriek of surprise.
My damned cats knocked my glass of water off the head of my bed while I was getting cleaned up, of course a full one, and soaked everything. I stripped the bed and had to sleep with and unfitted sheet beneath me and one of the boys' fuzzy blankets. (you know, the ones that aren't long enough for adults)
After I got settled in my newly dried bed I started reading Twilight. Everybody knows I can't sleep without reading something no matter how sleepy I am.
As usual I got engrossed and didn't put it down until around 3 am. As soon as I felt myself drifting off I realized I had forgotten to bring home the money for Phoenix's tooth from Amoo's work. Damn me! No, damn the vacuum cleaner and it's refusal to suck!
I had to give him a fully silver half-dollar that I've had since before he was born. I have a collection of coins like that and it pained me greatly to give it to him, he's not supposed to get it until I die. Well, he and Kale each get half.
Does it make me a bad mother to want to switch the money when he goes to the dollar store to spend it? That coin is probably worth about $50, not 50 cents.
So that was my night. Everything I touched turned brown and runny...
Oh well, at least it makes me appreciate the easy days.
Nov 8, 2008
We promised the boys if they were good we would take them to the dreaded CC's. They were very good all week so we decided to take them. Amoo had to take Xandra and her friend to see High School Musical 3 and to Target and the mall to spend her birthday gift cards. (Another experience that can be compared to hell.)
By the time they got home from their adventure she, Amoo, had that wide eyed sort of shell shocked look on her face. We didn't have time for her to tell me how it went because the boys were jonesing for their CC and got in the car the second it was parked. Kale, of course, fell asleep three seconds after we left the drive way so I had to wake him up when we got there. If you know him then you know I would rather cut off a limb then wake him up before he's ready. But if I had let him sleep he would have missed CC's and he never would have let me live that down.
We went in, got stamped and I spent $50 on pizza and tokens. Today is Saturday and everyone and their dog was at CC's with their kids. There were probably six birthdays in the two and a half hours we were there. I hated every minute of it, I'm not very big on crowds of people I don't know.
Everything was fine for about forty minutes.
Que the ominous music...Da da daaaaaaa!
This child came up to us while Phoenix was on the helicopter bicycle ride and just stood there. I assumed he was waiting in line for the ride so I just ignored him. After a while he got my attention, pointed to Kale and asked if he was my son. I said yes he was. The boy didn't say anything else so I just turned back to watch Phoenix on his ride.
After another pause he got my attention again and said that Kale scratched him on the face while they were climbing in the hamster tubes. I said I was sorry and told Kale to say it too. He did, but he's a three year old, he didn't sound like he meant it. What did they expect from a child with the attention span of a fruit fly?
After we both apologized he just stood there looking a me with a blank look on his face, like he was expecting something else. Again, after a pause I asked him if there was something else he wanted. He again told me that Kale scratched him on the face, which I couldn't see any sign of. I reminded him that we had both just said we were sorry and what else did he want me to do?
This is where the mask of the idiot child dropped, though I still think he's an idiot. I know it's not nice to say that about a child, but I'm sure you'll understand by the end of this story.
But I digress...
He threw his arms above his head and said, "I don't fucking know but my damn face is a fucked up now because of him!"
It was like he expected me to flog my three year old for his amusement.
As soon as he cursed at me I told him to go away and turned around to help Phoenix with his stupid ride.
About two minutes later the cro-magnum child came back with all of his relatives including his mother who has a mouth the size of the grand canyon.
I asked him what he wanted and he started cursing at me again saying that he didn't appreciate me turning away from him while he was talking to me. Like I owe him some kind of respect. I told him that I don't deal with anyone who talks to me or my children like that.
Then the mother had to interfere.
(Oh, let me explain that this child that Kale 'assaulted' was three times his size. He was way bigger than Phoenix both in height and girth, and my eldest weighs 65 pounds.)
The mother said I should give him my attention when her 'baby' was 'speaking at me.' Can you feel the intelligence radiating from her?
I told her exactly what he said to me and exactly what I said to him. She just nodded her head then looked at me like she expected something. So again I asked what she wanted me to do about it. She said I should let her son hit my son. I shit you not, it's what she said. There was a whole group of people watching us by then and some of them gasped in shock. I mean who in the hell would suggest such a thing?
I told her that her son was three times Kale's size and if he so much as touched him I would have him arrested. Then she started repeating herself over and over. You know, what ignorant people do when they're arguing and can't think of anything to say.
With her head bobbing from side to side she started yelling swear words at me and both of my kids. She insulted us in every way then started taking steps toward us. Anyone who knows me understands that I have a very bad temper, and anyone who has kids would understand what happens to your brain when your child is threatened. The red haze started coming down over my vision.
I felt it coming on so I held out my hand to get her to stop and told her to back the fuck off. (The first curse out of my mouth since leaving the house.)
She started yelling the curses at me again telling me not to push at her and I couldn't tell her what to do. And if I didn't let her son hit mine she would take him and beat the hell out of him herself.
When she paused for a breath I asked her, as I walked away, "Does threatening a three year old make you feel big and strong? You're pathetic."
I went to the manager and told her that if she didn't want me to start a fight in her restaurant she should go tell that woman to back off and not threaten my kids ever again.
It was so sad because when I pointed out the stupid woman she sighed and said, "Yeah, I know who you're talking about."
She actually knew who she was.
Now here's where the woman's intelligence really shines through...
The manager went to the woman who was standing by our table. I made my way over there to make sure she wasn't going to steal the kids' tokens or spit in there food, or something. The manager told her that she couldn't threaten people, especially children in her restaurant. Again the woman told the manager that she couldn't tell her what to do and she wanted to give that 'little shit' what he deserved.
The manager told her that if she didn't stop yelling and cursing she would have to leave.
The ignorant woman just repeated herself that she couldn't tell her what to do, and that she needed to get the fuck out of her face.
The manager told the woman to leave and the dumb ass woman just stood there repeating herself. Finally she told the woman to leave or she would call the police.
Can you guess what she did? She repeated herself and then, to my surprise slapped the manager in the face.
I about fell over dead.
The manager handled it better than I would have. I would have had her on the floor with her neck in my hands.
She just walked away while the woman called her a bitch and a cunt and stupid.
About five minutes later the cops showed up. They handcuffed the stupid woman and dragged her out of the place while she screamed that they had no reason to take her away. One of the cops had to stay to tell her family that they had seen her hit the manager on tape and that if they wanted to see her they could call the county jail.
Her family, the intelligence must be hereditary, tried arguing with the police man in a very hostile way. The cop told them if they didn't back off he would arrest them all. When they said there were no cameras he pointed up to the ceiling and said that all the black orbs were cameras.
Everyone knows what they are, how could they not?
Anyway, after they left the kids and I redeemed their tickets and picked out a prize. On the drive home Phoenix asked me why those people were so mean. I said they were just stupid people.
When we got home Amoo and I traded horror stories about our day. I have to admit, even though I had a horrible time at CC's I still think I had it easier than she did. I'm pathologically afraid of the mall and I would rather have a tooth pulled without pain relief than watch a High School Musical movie.
Got any horror stories about your kids? Share people. But it has to be true.
Nov 1, 2008
Phoenix was Anakin Skywalker. It was too warm to wear his Jedi robe but he was adorable.
Amoo and I got to color the tablecloth with the boys, which I'm going to keep forever, and the kids had so much fun going around to everyone's cars.
Oct 15, 2008
Oct 8, 2008
Sep 28, 2008
It all started last night. Kale was at his grandmas house for the day and Phoenix was bored. I consider it bad form to punish a child so close to a day that's supposed to be all for him, so I swallowed my anger at his behavior as best I could. Eventually, after the third or fourth hour of his whining about being bored, Amoo snapped and said if he didn't stop she was going to have to make him clean, or take a nap.
He just wouldn't shut up.
We wanted to take him to a movie to make up for the lack of entertainment his brother normally provides, but there wasn't anything good playing. Igor was but it had just started when I looked, and the next showing didn't start until well after 8 pm. The only other movie he would have been interested in was Batman, but it's rated PG-13 and I wasn't sure if it would give him nightmares or not.
We settled for a run to the store and rented movies from the Red Box. He picked out some Sonic X cartoon and I got Speed Racer and The Forbidden Kingdom. He loved all three.
When we got home I made him an arrangement of treats as though we were in a theatre. Unfortunately he ate the Almond Joy and fruit snacks before I could snap a picture of our LOAD.
Surprisingly he did not make himself sick.
The above mentioned load consisted of two kinds of potato chips, popcorn, rainbow Twizlers, Kit Kats, Almond Joys and fruit snacks. Oh and we had three kinds of soda. I drank water. I probably would have gone into a sugar coma had I went with the soda.
I had to go to work last night at 9 so Amoo stayed with him and they watched The Forbidden Kingdom. When I got home, at 1 am, he was passed out in her bed. They were both sideways and Phoenix took up 2/3 of the bed while she was huddled up at the foot of it like an obedient pet or something.
At work I had to wax the floors and because of the 2+ years of neglect they've suffered you have to do it the old fashioned way or it ends up looking like you wiped your nose on the tile. So after spending over an hour scrubbing floors I got to come home and carry my 68 pound son down to his bed. The toys littering the stairs added a bit of blind terror to an already dangerous adventure.
Today when Amoo got home from church we lit the candles and sang him Hippo Birdie You You. Mom had the idea to make strawberry short cakes instead of traditional cake, and it was bloody brilliant! He loved it, and almost made himself sick on it.
So, at last count, these are the presents he got:
Indiana Jones Lego for the Wii
Three pots of play dough
A couple books
A Star Wars Clone Wars shirt and a Star Wars Force Unleashed shirt
and last but not least...
A Belly Ache!
I mean, what kids birthday would be complete if they didn't get sick from all the goodies they eat? It's just not right. Besides, I never would have learned to moderate my intake of junk foods if Mom never let me do the same. It teaches you.
Sep 26, 2008
So Phoenix is turning 6 on Sunday.
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, to YOU, YOU, YOU!
Let us take this moment to give praise to the one and only master of destruction and chaos known to his intimates as Phoenix.
I have to admit he has calmed down quite a lot in the breaking things department.
REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES............
We are at Wells Fargo and while standing in line Phoenix takes apart a counter with a light in it and is handing us the pieces. The bank teller asks if he has any tools. No, of course I wouldn't arm him with tools. He does, however have a small stuffed bear. Does that count?
We are at Albertson's picking out a coloring book and he takes the screws out of the display rack and hands you a two foot fluorescent light bulb. Again, does he have any tools? No. He just naturally senses the structural weaknesses in any object and exploits them to cause the most fun.
Phoenix spilling milk in the carpet and rather than admit it to me covers it up until the rotten smell draws me to the spot with every cleaning chemical and disinfectant known to modern man.
Phoenix peeling a huge hole in the paint next to his bed and hiding the pieces under Kale's bed, "Oh, Mom won't notice that two foot circle of bare wall," and then blaming Kale for it. If it's under his bed then he must have been the one. Even though we all know Phoenix had a compulsive need to pick at things. Amoo and I have numerous bloody spots on our feet where he gets a little carried away picking at the dead skin. If you say "ouch" and tell him to stop he does, for about three seconds, and then starts digging even harder than before.
Phoenix takeing a permanent red marker attached to a string and spining it round so violently that it sprays on the freshly painted living room walls.
Phoenix throwing all of his, and his brother's, toys on the roof and said it happened in a dream. He has no idea how any of that got up there.
Phoenix taking the full bottle of Windex and spraying the entire kitchen, without wiping any up, until he and his giggling brother can't stand up strait on the very slippery floor.
Phoenix singing... I mean WOW!
If you have ever heard that boy sing you truly know what the term anguish means. It's so cute that I don't have the heart to tell him how bad it sounds. And it is bad.
You can tell he's my son because I can't sing either. But we both seem to get pleasure out of belting out a tune, no matter how off key or off tempo we are.
He has learned to stop doing those things that get him in the most trouble, for the most part.
He does, however, seem to think he is much more intelligent than I am, and feels no qualms about telling me how stupid I am.
This usually happens when he's lost something and I tell him where it is. It doesn't matter if the lost item was actually where I said it was, I'm still stupid for putting it there. Because you know, I love to wear his Spiderman crocks and I just can't get enough of playing with his Bakugan.
He is a pain in the ass sometimes, but he's my pain in the ass and I love him.
I'm fully prepared to admit my addiction to the Internet, though I am in no way admitting it's a problem. Who ever said addiction was a problem? An idiot, that's who.
So yes, I'm back and already I've screwed up a few things.
First I lost my blog spot, again. Then wrote a scandalous blog on my my space page about it. Then, of course, as soon as I posted it I found my blog spot again.
Say it with me: dumb ass!
I want to change the layout of this blog spot, but I can't figure out how it works. I don't think it works like my space or I would have done it already.
Again: dumb ass!
I also may have earned the wrath of a deity. Anyone reading this should know of Tobi, the goddess of complications and contagion. (For more info, see my my space page and the newest blog on said page)
I ridiculed her for initiating my need to blog. For spreading the addiction and not helping me scratch the itch.
Again: DUMB ASS!
After posting said blog I went back and added an apology to the goddess in hopes she will grant me a swift death instead of the blinding with hot pokers and disembowelment she will no doubt crave when she learns of my impertinence.
Whenever I do something stupid like that I hear the sound of a braying donkey in my head. I've been hearing that sound every few minutes for the past day and a half.
So, yeah. While I missed the Internet it can be such a pain in the ass sometimes.
I must go.
The goddess has decreed many new blogs on several subjects before I am granted a reprieve, and she hasn't even learned of my mistake that will lead to my death yet.
Don't smite me!
May 1, 2008
Apr 30, 2008
This may be my last blog for quite some time so I'm just gonna trow a bunch of stuff in.
First of all, the rant:
Joshua David! Damn you to hell! And I don't mean the happy hell where you are made to feel bad for what you did for eternity. I'm talking about the hell where you are forced to have a pineapple shoved up your ass by a grinning Satan at tea time every day for the rest of eternity.
Why in the hell you think it's okay to run up all kinds of bills at your mother's house and then leave her to pay them, I will never understand. I don't think you're having to go without the Internet, or fast food, or every new movie that comes out to blue ray, even if it sucks.
So while you are having fun I hope you get what you deserve.
I am a firm believer in karma.
I don't have to do anything to you. God, Mother Nature, Budda, or whoever runs this existence will give you the shaft you ass. If you listen carefully you will hear the cocking of the 'fuck you Josh' gun.
Hope you suffer.
Now to the cat.
There is this stupid stray cat that has decided it lives at my house. Ever since we put in the cat door we've had strays coming in to feast on the cans of shredded cat food that our snobby cats must have on a daily basis. Usually they are afraid of people and run away whenever we come near.
This one is not a stray. I think it belonged to a neighbor who moved out and left their animal to fend for itself, which pisses me off. It has decided that we are it's new family. I call it moocher, he's a boy. He comes in and lays on Amoo's bed as though he belongs there. You can even sit next to him and he just looks at you as though he's saying, 'hey, I'm trying to sleep here.'
Or he likes to lay on our back porch, right in the doorway, so that you have to step over him to get in or out of the house. I can yell at him and he doesn't even bat an eyelash. So, I guess we have a new cat.
I can't remember what else I wanted to rant about so I'll just leave it at that.
Oh, and I hate you Josh!
Apr 28, 2008
Apr 26, 2008
Apr 21, 2008
Apr 20, 2008
Can you tell I like it?
Here's just one of the parts that I really love:
"Remember that everything you learn is already a part of you, even to the Godhead Itself. Study nothing except in the knowledge that you already knew it. Worship nothing except in adoration of your true self. And fear nothing except in the certainty that you are your enemy's begetter and its only hope of healing. For everything that does evil is in pain. Will you remember those things?"
This book is full of profound statements and though I just finnished reading it I can't put it down, so I started all over.
I love it.
This morning while I was working on a new blog for my old site my son's called me away to make them something to drink and find them something to watch on T.V.
While I was convienently distracted my youngest son Kale came and played on the computer. He had lots of fun and, in his own words, "Did a lot of damage."
A thousand clicks of the mouse later he blocked off all access I had to my blogspot.
This is why I've had to create this new one.