Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Nov 8, 2008

Welcome oh condemned ones... to the seventh circle of hell! MUHAHAHAAAA!!!

Today was a trial of torture and endurance. If you are a parent then you know that when I say Chucky Cheese I'm really referring to the seventh circle of hell.
We promised the boys if they were good we would take them to the dreaded CC's. They were very good all week so we decided to take them. Amoo had to take Xandra and her friend to see High School Musical 3 and to Target and the mall to spend her birthday gift cards. (Another experience that can be compared to hell.)
By the time they got home from their adventure she, Amoo, had that wide eyed sort of shell shocked look on her face. We didn't have time for her to tell me how it went because the boys were jonesing for their CC and got in the car the second it was parked. Kale, of course, fell asleep three seconds after we left the drive way so I had to wake him up when we got there. If you know him then you know I would rather cut off a limb then wake him up before he's ready. But if I had let him sleep he would have missed CC's and he never would have let me live that down.
We went in, got stamped and I spent $50 on pizza and tokens. Today is Saturday and everyone and their dog was at CC's with their kids. There were probably six birthdays in the two and a half hours we were there. I hated every minute of it, I'm not very big on crowds of people I don't know.
Everything was fine for about forty minutes.
Que the ominous music...Da da daaaaaaa!
This child came up to us while Phoenix was on the helicopter bicycle ride and just stood there. I assumed he was waiting in line for the ride so I just ignored him. After a while he got my attention, pointed to Kale and asked if he was my son. I said yes he was. The boy didn't say anything else so I just turned back to watch Phoenix on his ride.
After another pause he got my attention again and said that Kale scratched him on the face while they were climbing in the hamster tubes. I said I was sorry and told Kale to say it too. He did, but he's a three year old, he didn't sound like he meant it. What did they expect from a child with the attention span of a fruit fly?
After we both apologized he just stood there looking a me with a blank look on his face, like he was expecting something else. Again, after a pause I asked him if there was something else he wanted. He again told me that Kale scratched him on the face, which I couldn't see any sign of. I reminded him that we had both just said we were sorry and what else did he want me to do?
This is where the mask of the idiot child dropped, though I still think he's an idiot. I know it's not nice to say that about a child, but I'm sure you'll understand by the end of this story.
But I digress...
He threw his arms above his head and said, "I don't fucking know but my damn face is a fucked up now because of him!"
It was like he expected me to flog my three year old for his amusement.
As soon as he cursed at me I told him to go away and turned around to help Phoenix with his stupid ride.
About two minutes later the cro-magnum child came back with all of his relatives including his mother who has a mouth the size of the grand canyon.
I asked him what he wanted and he started cursing at me again saying that he didn't appreciate me turning away from him while he was talking to me. Like I owe him some kind of respect. I told him that I don't deal with anyone who talks to me or my children like that.
Then the mother had to interfere.
(Oh, let me explain that this child that Kale 'assaulted' was three times his size. He was way bigger than Phoenix both in height and girth, and my eldest weighs 65 pounds.)
The mother said I should give him my attention when her 'baby' was 'speaking at me.' Can you feel the intelligence radiating from her?
I told her exactly what he said to me and exactly what I said to him. She just nodded her head then looked at me like she expected something. So again I asked what she wanted me to do about it. She said I should let her son hit my son. I shit you not, it's what she said. There was a whole group of people watching us by then and some of them gasped in shock. I mean who in the hell would suggest such a thing?
I told her that her son was three times Kale's size and if he so much as touched him I would have him arrested. Then she started repeating herself over and over. You know, what ignorant people do when they're arguing and can't think of anything to say.
With her head bobbing from side to side she started yelling swear words at me and both of my kids. She insulted us in every way then started taking steps toward us. Anyone who knows me understands that I have a very bad temper, and anyone who has kids would understand what happens to your brain when your child is threatened. The red haze started coming down over my vision.
I felt it coming on so I held out my hand to get her to stop and told her to back the fuck off. (The first curse out of my mouth since leaving the house.)
She started yelling the curses at me again telling me not to push at her and I couldn't tell her what to do. And if I didn't let her son hit mine she would take him and beat the hell out of him herself.
When she paused for a breath I asked her, as I walked away, "Does threatening a three year old make you feel big and strong? You're pathetic."
I went to the manager and told her that if she didn't want me to start a fight in her restaurant she should go tell that woman to back off and not threaten my kids ever again.
It was so sad because when I pointed out the stupid woman she sighed and said, "Yeah, I know who you're talking about."
She actually knew who she was.
Now here's where the woman's intelligence really shines through...
The manager went to the woman who was standing by our table. I made my way over there to make sure she wasn't going to steal the kids' tokens or spit in there food, or something. The manager told her that she couldn't threaten people, especially children in her restaurant. Again the woman told the manager that she couldn't tell her what to do and she wanted to give that 'little shit' what he deserved.
The manager told her that if she didn't stop yelling and cursing she would have to leave.
The ignorant woman just repeated herself that she couldn't tell her what to do, and that she needed to get the fuck out of her face.
The manager told the woman to leave and the dumb ass woman just stood there repeating herself. Finally she told the woman to leave or she would call the police.
Can you guess what she did? She repeated herself and then, to my surprise slapped the manager in the face.
I about fell over dead.
The manager handled it better than I would have. I would have had her on the floor with her neck in my hands.
She just walked away while the woman called her a bitch and a cunt and stupid.
About five minutes later the cops showed up. They handcuffed the stupid woman and dragged her out of the place while she screamed that they had no reason to take her away. One of the cops had to stay to tell her family that they had seen her hit the manager on tape and that if they wanted to see her they could call the county jail.
Her family, the intelligence must be hereditary, tried arguing with the police man in a very hostile way. The cop told them if they didn't back off he would arrest them all. When they said there were no cameras he pointed up to the ceiling and said that all the black orbs were cameras.
Everyone knows what they are, how could they not?
Anyway, after they left the kids and I redeemed their tickets and picked out a prize. On the drive home Phoenix asked me why those people were so mean. I said they were just stupid people.
When we got home Amoo and I traded horror stories about our day. I have to admit, even though I had a horrible time at CC's I still think I had it easier than she did. I'm pathologically afraid of the mall and I would rather have a tooth pulled without pain relief than watch a High School Musical movie.
Got any horror stories about your kids? Share people. But it has to be true.


Tobi said...

Holy Crow! The woman hit the manager?! Geez. Never go to that Chuck E. Cheese again!

Sarah said...

I really can't believe how stupid some people are. Cameras? What cameras? What? I'm being charged with assualt? You can't tell me what to do! Aaaahhhh!
I would stay away from that chucky cheese, or find a better place for the boys to play.

Mammallama said...

The people kept singing and dancing. Everyone did the "right" thing and everyone was sooooooooo a bff with everyone else. The movie just kept going and going..
Wait, Chucky E. What?