Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Aug 30, 2010

They Didn't Light Anything On Fire

Today was a weird day.

I walked Phoenix and Kale to school, just like normal. I left them outside in the lines with their teachers, just like normal. And I walked home, just like normal.

When I got home I cozied up with a good book, Eclipse. (Yes, it's like my 10th time reading it, but it never gets old to me.)

After a couple pages I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was just John in the hallway but it wasn't. I looked over and Phoenix and Kale walked into my room.

My first thought was, "Who in the hell walked you guys home?"

After a couple questions the story came out. Pretty much as soon as I turned my back Kale found his brother, latched onto him and wouldn't let go. He was screaming and crying and he refused to go into the school. Phoenix was confused and didn't know what he was supposed to do, so he walked back home to get me.

I yelled at Kale and told him he was grounded off video games for a day, a fate worse than death.

I walked them back to school. While we were walking I told Phoenix that if this ever happened again to GO FIND A FREAKIN' TEACHER. To NEVER leave the school without myself or Amoo and to never, never, ever walk home alone again.

We live in East Denver Gang-land for cryin' out loud! (I think I aged about ten years today.)

I told Kale that if he ever did this again I would take all the video games, and the systems that they plug into, and sell them. He promised he would never do it again and pretty much cried the whole way back to school. I explained what had happened to the teachers and they promised to keep an eye on Kale to keep this from happening again.

I suppose this was bound to happen sooner or later. I was the world's worst child and I can expect no less from my little demons.

Amoo said something that both comforted and filled me with dread at the same time, "At least they didn't light anything on fire."

Later - BD

Aug 19, 2010

Watch your kids in the bathroom.

Yesterday I was rushing through the house, making sure we would all be ready for back to school night @ 4pm, when I heard Kale crying. I found him in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. He said it was hurting when he tried pushing. This is not a new phenomenon. Kale has had constipation often and we're just used to it.
I told him there was nothing he could do but push it out. While saying this I noticed he was coated from the top of his head to his belly button in Gorilla Snot, a kind of super-hold hair jell, and that he'd taken John's shaving cream and used it like silly string on the floor all around him.
The next time Kale tried pushing he started screaming.
My mommy senses, you know... the one that says, "Help The Baby NOW!" went off and I took a look at what was doing between Kale's legs.
I will not describe what I saw. If you want to see what it looked like look up "rectal prolapse" on WEB MD or Google it.
I have never been so terrified in my life. To see what I saw and not be panicked is impossible. I thought at least he would need surgery and at worse he was dying from some kind of internal disease. I did the only thing I could think of. I pushed it back in. Later the doctors said it was the right thing to do, but now I think it was stupid and reckless and I had no business trying to fix a human.
Amoo came home from work as quickly as she could drive, legally. While she drove I bathed Kale to get all the gorilla snot off of him, and it seemed to calm him down. By the time we got to Children's Hospital he behaved as if it had never happened.
While we waited I let him take pictures of the lobby with my camera and they turned out rather good for a five year old.
When we finally got back to a room the doctor did a quick visual to make sure nothing was hanging out. He couldn't see anything wrong so they brought in the supervising doctor and a picture of what I had described. The picture was exactly what it looked like.
They said Kale had experienced something called Rectal Prolapse. Many, many things can cause it. It's most common in small children and the elderly who have problems digesting or live in third world countries and are malnourished.
Sometimes it can happen in healthy children if they just spend too much time on the toilet pushing way too hard.
They still had to do an internal exam to make sure everything was in the correct place. I cannot express the horror and panic I felt as they performed this odious, however necessary, procedure. Kale screamed and bit and kicked the whole time. It took four people besides me to hold him still so they didn't accidentally hurt him.
Afterward they gave him a juice box and a Popsicle.
Personally, I think he earned himself a new video game or a lump sum of cash, but I guess that was all they had on hand.
They said everything was fine and that it should never happen again, but that if it does I need to rush him to the E.R. as quickly as possible. Because if it happens again that means there's some kind of structural deformity that will most likely require surgery to fix.
We went home with some laxatives, a rubber glove balloon, and a very, very, VERY, unhappy child.
Today was his first day of school, which he got to experience while taking laxatives. Yay!
Maybe I'll tell that one another time.

Aug 10, 2010


My dad died on Saturday.
He was flying his plane when he crashed and died on impact.
I went with Tobi to Utah for the funeral on Thursday. No one could get a flight in because there's some kind of archery championship going on in Utah right now, so everyone who came had to drive.
I don't do well at funerals in general so this was horrifying to me. I cried more in the past week than I have in my whole life. I stayed with my sister Krystal and her husband Derek.
I am sooooo happy I got to stay at her house and not some other random relation. Well, I would have loved staying with Jenny, my other sister in Utah, too.
I got to sleep in the Twilight room. It's aaaaawesome! Also very calming being surrounded by a gorgeous vampire and werewolf.
Krystal's son, Drake, is the cutest two year old. I loved spending time with him and started missing him the moment we left.
Derek was awesome to me. My boys completely took over his xbox so they could play games almost constantly and he never complained about it. I'm pretty sure I mentioned I don't do well at funerals. He always seemed to find me when I needed a hug, which was a lot over the past few days. He also made the kids stop being little shits when I didn't have the emotional energy to get them to behave.
Krystal and Derek have a cat named Shadow.
I love, love, LOVE, their kitty. Normally cats don't do well with change and strange people but this cat is different. She slept on me almost every night I was there and would come curl up on my lap whenever I was sitting in the living room. She was just the cutest and friendliest little thing I've ever seen. I miss you Shadow.
Krystal... I have never met someone so generous and willing to make my stay as comfortable as possible. She seemed to always be helping someone at every moment of every day I stayed there and I saw the toll it was taking. She was exhausted but she never complained and still kept asking everyone if there was more she could do.
You don't meet selfless people very often, and I certainly haven't met anyone like that in a long time. I was, and still am, astounded and proud that I can claim this woman as my sister. And while we haven't really been in touch all that much I hope I can fix that and stay in contact with her.
I will probably blog more about my trip later, but now I have to go make dinner.
Tacos... Yummy!