Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

May 28, 2010

The Post That Never Ends

I had a busy week. It was the last week of school and I had many functions I promised to help with at both of my boys' classes.
MONDAY: Tie-dye shirts with Kale's class.
I played with all the students to keep them distracted while the teachers set up the stuff. I have a particular fondness for Yasmin and Breanna. they were the two girls I was in charge of on the field trip.
It was mayhem, but after about an hour we got everything put away and the kids got to take turns making their shirts.
The problem with that was that the kids didn't understand why those kids got to make a shirt and they didn't. We told them they would get a turn but they are 4 and 5 years old. They don't hear adults unless they say 'candy' or 'toys'. I decided to keep the kids distracted while the teachers supervised the kids with the very permanent dye. It was like walking up the side of a mountain while juggling. ADVENTURE! They didn't want to do any of the boring stuff I was doing, they wanted their own shirts now. After the first kids were done and the teachers called two more over some of the kids caught on and settled down.
I didn't get to see Kale do his shirt but I got to see the after effects. Did I mention the dye was PERMANENT? Thankfully the teachers put water-proof smocks on them to protect their clothes, but Kale was blue and purple from his elbows to his wrists. I just got the rest of the dye out of his skin yesterday. (For those of you not counting, that's three days later.)
There was one shirt left over and I got to do that one. It was fun. Like, a lot more fun than I thought it would be.
I was supposed to stay the whole day at Kale's class but Amoo called me and needed the car. Kale was a little less than happy that I was leaving after I said I would stay with him until school was over. I told him that I didn't plan on Amoo's brother having a heart attack but he still thought I was pulling one over on him.
I left after prying his little hands out of my hair and took Amoo to the hospital to visit her brother. If you don't know what happened with him go read her blog. "bunrammitsrus"
When we got to the hospital I needed to use the bathroom. While in the stall I saw the TWO INCH hole in the crotch of my jeans. So the whole time I was at the school everyone could see my pink undies with the maxi pad wings stuck to the underside.
Seriously, is there anyone cooler than me?
TUESDAY: Phoenix's class was having a picnic at Falcon park.
I made 35 sandwiches and agreed to drive all the food that the teachers couldn't carry. They had to walk with the students to the park.
Of course myself and only one other lady brought blankets to sit on. Good thing I brought two. there was a whole lot of food. Pasta salad. Baked beans. Potato salad. Strawberries and a fruit platter. My sandwiches. Three different kinds of chips. Cookies. Red vines. Chocolate cake. Juice pouches by the dozens. Fruit punch and soda. Only three kids threw up from over eating.
I made sure all the students got food then I pigged out, especially on the pineapple and strawberries. It was soooooooo goooooood. There were three classes of second graders at the park having their picnics at the same time. Mrs. Kullinger was the class I was with and Mrs. Harris is the teacher Phoenix switches to in the middle of the day. There was one teacher I didn't know. The adults with the teachers I knew did a really good job making sure the trash from the food was cleaned up but the third class didn't even seem to be making an effort. I was irritated to see the trash blowing away in the wind so I started picking it up. I spent most of the three hours I was there picking up trash. No, I didn't have to do it but it was rude to leave a public park swimming in refuse. It was wrong.
When Phoenix and I were sharing a piece of chocolate cake, I can't remember how the subject came up, he was telling some of his classmates that there was a chemical in chocolate that can make you happy. So Phoenix said, in a very, very loud voice, "Yeah, that's why my mom eats so much of it when she's on her period."
Good times.
WEDNESDAY: Kale's class was having field day.
I also promised him I would stay the whole day to make up for ditching him on Monday.
Mrs. Weil, one of the teachers, brought back their shirts after washing them and let them all wear them. They turned out so cute. It was like a whole flock of tiny hippies.
Again, I was the center of attention. It was quite fun until the teachers found out a fourth grade teacher took their spots at the park next to the school. So we had to stall the kids while she and the other ECE (preschool) teachers figured out where they could hold the events. They had just decided to have it in the pit, which is a fenced in portion of the school's front lawn, when the sky opened up and wept.
I was chuckling merrily at the thought that the fourth grade teachers deserved the rain for stealing the park from the ECE kids, when I realized I had left the windows open in the car. I sprinted to the car and was in the process of rolling up the windows when a car drove past me and splashed me from my neck to ankles with muddy water. I drove home to change my clothes, we only live about a minute drive away from the school. I grabbed the first things I could find that were clean which happened to be my red Christmas pajama bottoms and an Avatar t-shirt. I would have taken more time but I was afraid Kale would notice I was gone and bring the building down with his wrath.
When I got back to the school about three minutes later I was struck dumb by the sky. I could literally see the clouds swirling into the shape of a funnel just north of the school. I wasn't the only parent who went to the office to tell the principal to check for a tornado warning. Turns out there was a tornado to the north of us but it hadn't touched down. So the field day events had to be moved, again, to the gym.
The kids were a little upset that they didn't get to go outside, until the hail started falling and the thunder started shaking the school.
During the sack race a little girl named Zaniah had to go to the bathroom. She has two hearing aids and has a hard time telling people what she wants. I saw her doing the potty dance and told Mrs. Weil I was taking her to use the bathroom in the nurses office. I put her in the bathroom and closed the door, then I turned around to deal with Kale.
See, the principal chose that moment to announce there was a tornado and that we may have to seek shelter if the alarms went off. Kale hears the word TORNADO and freaks out. He yells at the top of his lungs, right behind the principal who is talking to the WHOLE school on the PA, "We're all gonna die!" I don't know if his hysterics were heard all over the school because I was too busy trying to calm him down.
When I got him to stop crying I turned around and my eyeballs damn near popped out of my effing head. Zaniah was buck ass naked with the bathroom door flung wide open and looking at me like, "Why aren't you fixing this?" I tried closing the door but she wouldn't let me. I think she was afraid of being alone or something, makes me wonder if the door was open the whole time I was dealing with Kale.
I tried getting her to dress herself but she wouldn't do it. I looked at her underwear and saw the problem. She'd had a little accident of the number 2 variety. I got some baby wipes from the nurse and got her to clean herself up while I got some spare undies from the nurse. That lady is always prepared, she even had pink princess undies.
After much drama I got everyone back to the gym in time for the egg in the spoon race. Mrs. Weil and Mrs. V were mortified that I had to deal with such a mess from a kid I didn't even know. It really wasn't that big of a deal but I think they thought it was.
THURSDAY: Kale's class was having a graduation ceremony and party.
I grabbed my camera and two sets of AA batteries so I could document this momentous occasion. Shortly after arriving I realized all the batteries were dead. Well, they had enough power to turn the camera on, and keep it on, but not enough to actually take a photo. Damned new fangled technology! You have failed me again.
I took a couple pictures with my phone and I tried taking a video but it didn't turn out very well. After the EXTREMELY cute ceremony where all the kids sang and got their diplomas saying they graduated from preschool we moved out onto the lawn for a party.
Kale told me he loved Breanna and he wanted to tell her before the summer. I told him he better do it now because it was his last chance. It was sooooooooo cute! He was blushing when he said, "Breanna... I love you and I want to marry you." Then she gave him a hug and said,"OK."
Her mom said she wasn't ready to be a grandmother yet.
While Kale and Breanna ran around the lawn blowing bubbles and laughing I told Mrs. Weil that he had proposed to Breanna and she had said yes. His teacher laughed and told me she'd called it days ago. I guess when the class was practicing their dance moves for the graduation ceremony Kale and Breanna would dance with their arms around each other while gazing into each other's eyes. And during recess for the last couple days they would only play with each other and they would stop suddenly so they could gaze at the other. So, I guess I'm gonna be a mother in law.
I wonder how many girls Kale has proposed to this year?
After the party I went home and grabbed some batteries then ran back to the school so I could get a picture of Kale with Mrs. Weil and Mrs. V, his second teacher.
As soon as I find that stupid cord for my camera I will post the pictures.
Three hours after taking Kale home I picked up Phoenix from his last day at school. His reading teacher gave me a chart showing Phoenix's progress in reading. He was literally off the charts. I was so freaking proud. I took pictures of Phoenix with Mr. Yues, the reading teacher. (I have no idea if I spelled his name right.) And with Mrs. Kullinger, his first teacher, and Mrs. Harris, his second teacher. Mrs Kullinger even gave me a hug and said while she shouldn't have favorites, Phoenix was hers.
I have to say it was an awesome and also hectic week filled with amazing highs and extremely embarrassing lows.
This morning I woke up and did NOTHING for an hour before I finally decided to roll my but out of bed. I'm trying very hard to be lazy today. I think I've earned it.

May 14, 2010

Effing crap and stuff.

Up with this shit I will not put!
My computer is challenged. I can't put a play list on my blog spot because the stupid thing won't let me copy and paste.
I can't put any new pictures on it either because now that Robert has (fixed) the computer it no longer recognizes the drive the memory card plugs into. He says it wasn't him. Bullshit! Funny how I never had this problem before he fiddled with it. But, no, it's just a funny coincidence.
I can't get anything to work on this stupid thing and it's pissing me off.
I was gonna post some pictures of Kale and Phoenix playing with Cora and Alec, but I can't, so I won't.

I had to go with Kale on a field trip to the aquarium. Why? He's afraid his grandmother will show up and take him away. Thanks Sparky for the emotional damage to my five-year-old. Much love.
The best way to describe my experience on the field trip is... well...
Imagine you have three eggs and only two hands to carry them in. Now imagine you have to carry these fragile things safely through a tornado.
Am I exaggerating?
Hell no!
I was in charge of Kale, and two other kids. One, a girl named Yasmin and the other, also a girl, named Breanna. Kale was paranoid, bordering on hysteria, the whole time and wouldn't let go of me for more than fifteen seconds while simultaneously telling me we should go now because he didn't like it there.
Breanna is a very intelligent little girl. The problem is she's also independent. Most four-year-olds wouldn't know to keep within sight of the adult they were paired with. So every time she let go of my hand I had to go collect her. She amazed me when she started reading the printed information next to the tanks of exotic fish. Sure she had to sound out some of the words but I'm still extremely impressed that she was able to read words like habitat and instincts.
Breanna also has a big thing for hand sanitizer. At the downtown aquarium there is a hand sanitizer dispenser every fifteen feet or so. She used each one at least three times.
Yasmin is the cutest little girl in the world, next to Cora. (I'm not trying to usurp her Highness's position.) The problem is that she was scared of everything. The pretty jellyfish that looked like they were changing colors scared her. The sea turtles scared her. Even the clown fish, Nemo fish, and the fish that looked like Dori scared her. The beautiful and majestic sting rays? Terrified her. Maybe because they looked big enough to swallow her whole. Even the little fish frightened her. It was hard getting anything coherent out of her mouth but, from what I understood, she thought the fish could swim out and get her. The two, and sometimes three, inch glass didn't seem like a sturdy enough barrier to her.
So every time Yasmin got scared she climbed up me until she was wrapped around my head like the dog Max on How The Grinch Stole Christmas. You know, when they take the sled down the mountain? And that girl has some sharp ass nails.
Then we got to the largest tank where they keep the sharks. I was braced for impact when she would surely launch herself at me like the space shuttle headed to the international space station. She took one look at a nurse shark with all it's jagged, gnarly teeth and said... "Ooooh, pretty."
I about had a heart attack. Seriously... WTF?
I could probably have handled this with ease if it weren't for the fifty other schools on a field trip to the aquarium at the same time as us. Some of them were older kids, but it was like little kids day or something. And they all looked the same to me. Remember the tornado I mentioned earlier? That was the two or three hundred other kids there. Who, by the way were pushing in on me, and my tiny little charges, the whole time. It was like being in a mosh pit, only with something you need to protect.
At lunch time I had to try getting Kale to eat the food the school provided. See, the aquarium won't allow backpacks inside. I don't know why, just to irritate me probably. So I left Kale's lunchable in his backpack at the school. I swear, that child has food issues. The lunch the school provided consisted of a peanut butter and jelly crustable sandwich, obviously poison. Celery sticks, can't even be classified as edible. Apple sauce, which Kale informed me was scabs and pus. String cheese, jellyfish tentacles. (See, he did learn something on the field trip.) I managed to get him to choke down the apple juice, probably because he was starving.
When we got back to the school I did a bad thing. I made up some lame excuse and took Phoenix and Kale home where I collapsed on the living room floor and ate pizza until my head stopped buzzing.
Next week Kale's class is going to the Butterfly Pavilion and Ms. Weil, his teacher, said if they don't have any other parents to come I get to go with them again. Yay me!
I think I can handle it, if I have some nice tranquilizers to come home to.
Later BD
Sarah, I love your music playlist. Well, except the lady gaga, aka: lady gag me. I can't stand her.