Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Mar 27, 2009

Dumb Ass Friday the 2nd

Today I have a few stories that clearly fall under the Dumb Ass Friday heading.
On Wednesday I went to work early because the youngest monster was at his grandma's house and, well, I kind of felt like it. When I clean the buildings I listen to my music player full blast and sing with the music in a very loud voice. I know that I can't sing very well, but when I'm alone I feel free enough to sing without embarrassment.
This particular day I noticed that John Krane's truck was still parked in the parking lot. It's not unusual, he has the right to take a company truck home to cover the cost of driving to work, it's in his contract.
I went in and got right to work. While I cleaned the break room I was practically screaming the words to various songs by My Chemical Romance and Breaking Benjamin.
About 15 minutes into my cleaning routine my stomach decided that KFC for dinner was a bad plan and I headed to the bathroom. While I was making the smell of a lifetime I heard the front door slam closed. I thought someone had shown up to work to get something they forgot. After I washed my hands I crept out to see who was there. I couldn't find anyone so I looked outside.
I did a triple take to make sure I was seeing correctly. John Krane's truck was gone! So not only did I have a witness to my very unladylike bathroom stench, he also had to suffer through my singing. I can just imagine him up in his office cringing from the sound of cats being tortured and waiting like a hostage for his chance to escape without getting caught.
He could probably win a law suit against me for mental distress.
Dumb Ass.
Today I had to go get a book that Amoo accidentally had shipped to her work address. Fablehaven, Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary. I left at about six pm. On the way there I almost died in a car accident caused by a postal truck. Not the little delivery ones, the big eighteen wheel cargo trucks. The Denver postal service headquarters is off of that road so I see them all the time and I have to admit, they are the worst drivers I have ever had the misfortune of sharing the road with. It's like they think that white line separating the lanes is a guide that they are supposed to keep the truck right on top of at all times. I wonder if they actually test the driver's eyesight before they let them get behind the wheel?
I was in the right lane when a postal truck drove into the Brinks armor truck behind me and just kept on going as though the driver hadn't noticed the 5,000 pounds of steel it had connected bumpers with. I was so shocked that I almost didn't swerve into the left lane to get out of the death trap coming towards me at 45 miles per hour.
So to the driver of the USPS truck...
While my life was flashing before my eyes Amoo was having a fun time with the kids at home. 15-30 seconds after I pulled out of the driveway Kale came down to her room screaming that he needed to throw up. What you've got to understand is that when Kale's little world is upset he lets you know in his own special way. It's like his feet are on fire and he screams while dancing in place. But he's screaming like Freddy Kruger has him by the balls while explaining to you what is wrong with him so unless you have a holy man to translate his speaking in tongues, or years of experience listening to the babble, then you are lost in the dark.
It's kind of scary to hear the first time. You think he's bleeding or someone has broken into the house, but it turns out that he stubbed his toe or got a paper cut.
Amoo gave him a bucket to throw up in after she deduced that he was trying to tell her he was going to be sick, and he commenced with the gagging. In the middle of this he announced that he needed to pee. So he just pulls down his pants and urinated in her shower while he was heaving. His aim was upset by the retching motions and he went off like a fire hose without someone holding on to it. I mean, the only way he could have topped the grossness factor would be if he had decided to poop on Amoo's feet.
So, when he was done releasing all his bodily fluids he just pulled up his pants and ran happily up the stairs to continue playing, leaving poor Amoo in her bathroom with a shocked and haunted look on her face.
I have experienced similar situations with him and I know it feels like getting struck by lightning. You're just going about your business when something drastic happens and when it's over you can't believe that it just happened to you, or that you survived.
So Kale, while I love you to death, today you are a Dumb Ass.
Dakota... I mean my house is in a perpetual state of chaos when he's here anyway, but today was worse than usual.
Ashton is a boy who lives across the street from us and is a friend of Dakota's. They were playing in the snow together for a while then they came inside to play the Wii. He was probably here for only three hours but something funny happened. Dakota let him eat almost constantly while he was here. I opened a new box of ice cream sandwiches today and they were all gone by three pm. There were twelve in the box so even if everyone in the house had two, which I know didn't happen, they still wouldn't have been gone. An entire box of gushers fruit snacks was consumed and just between Dakota and Ashton they ate eight toaster strudels. Now, I could handle that. I told Ashton that he had to go home and was fully prepared to deal with my anger in a reasonable way.
Dakota, in his infinite wisdom, decided that Ashton could take a $3.99 package of tuna, the family sized one, home with him.
Well why would he do that you ask?
I came home from the store and showed him the package because I knew he liked it a lot, and told him we would have it for dinner. He seemed to think I was telling him that the entire package was for him and Ashton asked him for it, moocher that he is.
Well, I made Dakota and Phoenix clean the living room and the kitchen because I was soooooo pissed off.
I also had to have them remove the lawn chair and various detritus, which doesn't belong to us, from our front yard that Ashton left there.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that the kid likes us. But it would be nice if he didn't eat all our food while he was here.
So, Dakota... Dakota... Dakota...
I love you man, but today you are such a freaking, blinding in your stupidity Dumb to the Ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to the stars.
I mean, you should open a business where you charge well behaved children for teaching them how to irritate their parents enough to get them to pull their own hair out. Think about all those kids trying to get their rich parents to pay attention to them.
No really, it could work.

Just now Dakota came down here to read what I was writing about him while Kale farts on my lap and laughs so hard he starts choking. Now Dakota is pretend farting by blowing on his arm while aiming his ass at me to make me think he's trying to kill me. The sad thing is that I noticed his ass cheeks clench when he makes the raspberry sound like he really is trying to push something out. Phoenix is upstairs taking a bath so I can hear him turning the water on full blast for three seconds then turns it off. And repeating that until I'm ready to kill him just to make the pipes stop squealing.
This is my life, isn't it grand?

Mar 20, 2009

Dumb Ass Friday... Again

I am such a Dumb Ass!
Not long after I posted my last blog I got a call from Phoenix's school. They wanted to know why he hadn't been in school at all this week. I explained to them that I received a calendar at the end of last month showing what the kids would be served for lunch every day. On this calendar the week beginning March 16th and ending the 20th was blacked out and it said over the black days, "NO SCHOOL FOR SPRING BREAK"
I thought that meant he had no school this week. Am I truly stupid? Is that some kind of code I was supposed to interpret as, "Not this week, next week?" If I could find the thing I would take a picture of it and add it to this post. Or take it to the school and ask the principal what the fuck? But I can't find it, so I won't.
The secretary from his school said that the calendar was a mistake and they had sent home a new one. I asked what day they sent it and she told me it was sent home March 13th. I checked Phoenix's backpack and saw no such paper. Which, of course, does not mean he was not given the flier to bring home. It's very possible he lost it on the bus ride home.
I asked the woman why it wasn't sent in the Thursday folder. (See, it's this folder they send home every Thursday and whatever is inside the parents have to read and sign a paper showing they reviewed the enclosed material.) The woman said they were too busy to get it out one day earlier. I then asked her why they waited until Friday to find out why he was absent every day this week. She didn't really answer my question. Normally if Phoenix is absent and I forget to call they call me before school ends the same day.
I also asked her if any other children had been absent this whole week and she said, "Oh, a few."
Am I the only one that sees a problem with this? Now I look like the stupidest parent in the world and Phoenix has missed FIVE days of school in a row. Plus he has all next week off, for spring break of course, so he's having a two week vacation I guess.
I am so pissed off!
Now I know never to post my Dumb Ass Friday blog until the day is over.
Hey, if you have a story of when your kid's school has dropped the ball, please add it as a comment to this post. It will make me feel better to know that my son's school is not the only stupid one in the world. But I think we all know that it is, hands down, no contenders, the STUPIDEST of them all. Maybe there's a prize for that.
I should work on getting them nominated.

Dumb Ass Friday

I absolutely love reading my sister's "Not Me Monday" blogs and have contemplated doing one of my own. The problem with that thought is that I believe Monday's are the Antichrist. Something that needs to be tortured and sacrificed for it's very existence. Plus if I went into all the things I did wrong in one week we would be here forever.
So, in the spirit of "Not Me Monday" I have decided to make myself a "Dumb Ass Friday" blog.
I'm going to pick the stupidest, most embarrassing thing I've done this week and lay it all out for everyone to see. You know, cleanse my I mean, cleanse my soul.
My family is always bugging me to blog more so this will force me to get my ass to the computer at least once a week. And the usual everyday stuff that happens in life can be way too funny.
So today is DUMB ASS FRIDAY and this is the dumbest thing I did this week:
Yesterday Sparky came to get Kale so Phoenix was feeling a little lonely without his brother. And that means I was on the entertainment committee. We played Star Wars Battlefront II for almost two hours. When I couldn't feel my fingers anymore I decided to take him on a walk.
(I know right. Britt took a walk for no reason, weird.)
I had to go to Safeway and pick up my prescription anyway so I figured we could just walk down to the store and back. It's really not that far and it only took about 45 minutes to get there.
My first dumb ass moment:
I am a born and practiced procrastinator. Yesterday I HAD to do laundry because all my clothes were dirty except for a very few pieces that I usually only wear to work because it doesn't matter if they get bleach on them. Of course when I decided to leave all my newest and best looking clothes were in the dryer and not even close to being done.
Dumb Ass
So being the idiot that I am I put on a pair of jeans that I knew were ending there stay here on the earth and were very worn but not yet showing any holes. I thought they would at least last until I got home.
Dumb Ass
Anyway, Phoenix and I had a lot of fun on our walk. The sun was shining, which I despise, but there was a very nice cool breeze blowing so it was pleasant enough that I could stand the sun. We found a few feathers to put in our journal and some rocks that he really liked. Also a few flowers and even some very small branches from a juniper bush and a pine tree. We looked at one of our neighbor's front lawn and discovered they had a small pond with a bunch of those really big goldfish living in it. Phoenix took some pictures of it with my phone so I can't post them. He also found a stick that really looked like a sword so he was just tickled.
When we were about 3/4 of the way to the store I felt a hole in my pants between my legs on the right. It was weird, it didn't rip it was just suddenly there. Being female and having the body of a woman who has borne two children my thighs rub together when I walk.
The hole in my jeans acted like a very smooth grained sand paper. If you rub it on your skin once or twice it won't do any harm but if you rub it over and over it will take your skin off.
My second dumb ass moment:
I decided we were almost there so we might as well just keep on going.
Dumb Ass!
By the time we got to the store Phoenix said he was ready for a break so we sat in the shade of the entrance to the store after I picked up my prescription. We drank from the bottle of water I brought and waited until he was ready to start walking again.
Every step I took I payed very close attention to how the skin felt on my right thigh. And slowly I felt my skin getting rubbed raw. To distract myself from the discomfort I helped Phoenix look for more bird feathers and cool looking rocks.
When we were half way home, back at the pond, my leg was bleeding down almost to the knee. The pain was amazing. It was like I had gotten a tattoo between my legs and hadn't put any ointment or cream on it. I once got a nasty cat scratch on a fresh tattoo and it felt just like this. Only my wound yesterday was far bigger than just a scratch.
By the time we got home I was ready to cry. Phoenix was so very tired of walking so he had complained non-stop beginning at the pond. He was sure I was trying to kill him and he made me call Amoo to tell her to bring home a candy bar for him.
Because he is my child he knows that chocolate can make almost anything better.
I opened every window in the house to let in the breeze and left him playing Sly Cooper 3.
When I got to my bathroom I couldn't even get the pants off because the frayed material had mixed with my blood and dried. So I had to cut them off of me. I have to admit it gave me a small measure of comfort, destroying the article of clothing that caused me so much pain. I'm a neanderthal at heart.
I took a shower to clean up and almost passed out when I put soap on the raw flesh. I was seriously seeing stars shooting across my field of vision.
My clothes were dry by then so I put on the softest pair of pajamas I had commando style. I was not about to drag on underwear just so it could rub on that spot some more.
The shower helped a lot with the pain I also made myself a glass of ice water and held it between my legs until it was numb... heaven.
I drink a lot of water every day. So when I woke up this morning my bladder was screaming. I was half asleep when I got to the bathroom and didn't remember that I had a wound to be careful around.
The biggest dumb ass moment:
I just yanked my pants down and with the pants came half the scab that had dried into the fabric. In that moment I was in so much pain that my life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was going to die for a split second. I almost lost bladder control but the pain that would have brought to the wound kept my muscles clenched tight.
When I was done cleaning up the blood that had gushed from the raw flesh I looked at myself in the mirror and burst into laughter. My forehead and the tip of my nose was sunburned. I look like Rudolph.
So yeah... I'm a dumb ass. Let this be a lesson to all you gals out there. Don't go on a walk unless your jeans are in perfect condition. And wear sunblock!

Mar 16, 2009

Seeing RED.

So my sister turned me on to these books written by J.R. Ward "The Black Dagger Brotherhood" series. I have to admit that Amoo the Almighty was the one who got me the first book, from a thrift store. (Who's the ultimate bargain shopper? Oh yeah... it's her!) Once I read the first one I was hooked. So now we have the first three and I was reading the third one about Zsadist when something very weird happened.
Rehvenge is the brother of the main female character named Bella. He was driving in his Bentley when he had a kind of attack. Everything turned red, he got all panicked and had to inject himself with dopamine to make it stop.
What struck me about it was it has happened to me before.
When I was a little baby I had seizures every day and was pretty sick for the first five or six years of my life. I don't remember very much of it besides the ear pain from the constant ear infections and the terror of breathing a sedative gas when I got my tonsils out.
One thing I do remember was one night sitting on my mom's water bed. I was looking at the big wooden headboard and all of a sudden I saw red. I know I was out of it because I remember someone talking to me but I couldn't answer. I saw everything around me and thought I was in an Atari game. As a child that was all I could compare it to. Now I know it was because everything lost it's depth. It was all two dimensional.
I also remember the stark fear. I was so afraid of the red. I kept looking around me at the room I was in, searching for a speck of color to break up the bloody scene. I was terrified that I wouldn't come back from the place I was seeing. I was scared that I would be there forever and I felt so damn alone and exposed.
For most of my adult life I thought it was a nightmare or maybe I had imagined it. But I never forgot that moment and I have sometimes feared that it would come back one day.
I wonder, now, if I was having a small seizure that night. I never remembered any of them so I wonder if that's what it's like to have all your neurons firing at once.
Scary as hell.
Anyway if you want to read what it was like the book is:
Lover Awakened by J.R. Ward
And the scene starts on page #207 and ends on page #209