Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Mar 20, 2009

Dumb Ass Friday

I absolutely love reading my sister's "Not Me Monday" blogs and have contemplated doing one of my own. The problem with that thought is that I believe Monday's are the Antichrist. Something that needs to be tortured and sacrificed for it's very existence. Plus if I went into all the things I did wrong in one week we would be here forever.
So, in the spirit of "Not Me Monday" I have decided to make myself a "Dumb Ass Friday" blog.
I'm going to pick the stupidest, most embarrassing thing I've done this week and lay it all out for everyone to see. You know, cleanse my I mean, cleanse my soul.
My family is always bugging me to blog more so this will force me to get my ass to the computer at least once a week. And the usual everyday stuff that happens in life can be way too funny.
So today is DUMB ASS FRIDAY and this is the dumbest thing I did this week:
Yesterday Sparky came to get Kale so Phoenix was feeling a little lonely without his brother. And that means I was on the entertainment committee. We played Star Wars Battlefront II for almost two hours. When I couldn't feel my fingers anymore I decided to take him on a walk.
(I know right. Britt took a walk for no reason, weird.)
I had to go to Safeway and pick up my prescription anyway so I figured we could just walk down to the store and back. It's really not that far and it only took about 45 minutes to get there.
My first dumb ass moment:
I am a born and practiced procrastinator. Yesterday I HAD to do laundry because all my clothes were dirty except for a very few pieces that I usually only wear to work because it doesn't matter if they get bleach on them. Of course when I decided to leave all my newest and best looking clothes were in the dryer and not even close to being done.
Dumb Ass
So being the idiot that I am I put on a pair of jeans that I knew were ending there stay here on the earth and were very worn but not yet showing any holes. I thought they would at least last until I got home.
Dumb Ass
Anyway, Phoenix and I had a lot of fun on our walk. The sun was shining, which I despise, but there was a very nice cool breeze blowing so it was pleasant enough that I could stand the sun. We found a few feathers to put in our journal and some rocks that he really liked. Also a few flowers and even some very small branches from a juniper bush and a pine tree. We looked at one of our neighbor's front lawn and discovered they had a small pond with a bunch of those really big goldfish living in it. Phoenix took some pictures of it with my phone so I can't post them. He also found a stick that really looked like a sword so he was just tickled.
When we were about 3/4 of the way to the store I felt a hole in my pants between my legs on the right. It was weird, it didn't rip it was just suddenly there. Being female and having the body of a woman who has borne two children my thighs rub together when I walk.
The hole in my jeans acted like a very smooth grained sand paper. If you rub it on your skin once or twice it won't do any harm but if you rub it over and over it will take your skin off.
My second dumb ass moment:
I decided we were almost there so we might as well just keep on going.
Dumb Ass!
By the time we got to the store Phoenix said he was ready for a break so we sat in the shade of the entrance to the store after I picked up my prescription. We drank from the bottle of water I brought and waited until he was ready to start walking again.
Every step I took I payed very close attention to how the skin felt on my right thigh. And slowly I felt my skin getting rubbed raw. To distract myself from the discomfort I helped Phoenix look for more bird feathers and cool looking rocks.
When we were half way home, back at the pond, my leg was bleeding down almost to the knee. The pain was amazing. It was like I had gotten a tattoo between my legs and hadn't put any ointment or cream on it. I once got a nasty cat scratch on a fresh tattoo and it felt just like this. Only my wound yesterday was far bigger than just a scratch.
By the time we got home I was ready to cry. Phoenix was so very tired of walking so he had complained non-stop beginning at the pond. He was sure I was trying to kill him and he made me call Amoo to tell her to bring home a candy bar for him.
Because he is my child he knows that chocolate can make almost anything better.
I opened every window in the house to let in the breeze and left him playing Sly Cooper 3.
When I got to my bathroom I couldn't even get the pants off because the frayed material had mixed with my blood and dried. So I had to cut them off of me. I have to admit it gave me a small measure of comfort, destroying the article of clothing that caused me so much pain. I'm a neanderthal at heart.
I took a shower to clean up and almost passed out when I put soap on the raw flesh. I was seriously seeing stars shooting across my field of vision.
My clothes were dry by then so I put on the softest pair of pajamas I had commando style. I was not about to drag on underwear just so it could rub on that spot some more.
The shower helped a lot with the pain I also made myself a glass of ice water and held it between my legs until it was numb... heaven.
I drink a lot of water every day. So when I woke up this morning my bladder was screaming. I was half asleep when I got to the bathroom and didn't remember that I had a wound to be careful around.
The biggest dumb ass moment:
I just yanked my pants down and with the pants came half the scab that had dried into the fabric. In that moment I was in so much pain that my life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was going to die for a split second. I almost lost bladder control but the pain that would have brought to the wound kept my muscles clenched tight.
When I was done cleaning up the blood that had gushed from the raw flesh I looked at myself in the mirror and burst into laughter. My forehead and the tip of my nose was sunburned. I look like Rudolph.
So yeah... I'm a dumb ass. Let this be a lesson to all you gals out there. Don't go on a walk unless your jeans are in perfect condition. And wear sunblock!


Mammallama said...

Wow that was a book. You could have taken the car at 4:45 Dumbass.

bdmom said...

That's why it's called Dumb Ass Friday... mother of a Dumb Ass.

Tobi said...

I sometimes wonder if your neurons are firing correctly BD. Why did you just buy a safety pin or double sided tape at the store to fix your pants until you got home? Or even a band aid might have been a good idea. Geez Crazy Lady!!