Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Nov 20, 2009

Rabid Zombie Squirrels

I forgot to tell everyone about the RABID ZOMBIE SQUIRRELS!
The last time I went to work I opened the cupboard with my cleaning supplies and started getting everything out and ready. I heard a scratching, scrabbling sound behind me. I armed myself with a spray bottle of Windex in one hand and bleach in the other. I mean, they're supposed to be toxic if you mix them right? I looked in the trash can that's just outside the break room door and a squirrel jumped right up into my face.
It didn't touch me but I still let out the girliest, highest pitched squeal ever to pass my lips. It was so loud I could still hear it reverberating off the shop walls several seconds later.
My scream must have scared the crap out of the thing because there was a little wet puddle with tiny paw prints leading away from me and into the shop.
Later on I opened the bay doors, they're like giant garage doors, to take out the trash and I'll be damned if the thing didn't jump out at me again. It escaped into the night and I got another shot of adrenalin while the RTD bus drivers next door gawked at the woman who shrieked like a little girl who'd just seen the boogie man.
On Monday Amoo told me that Lyle, her co-worker, saw the same squirrel on Friday night while he was locking the back door. He said it even jumped right at him too. We think it was locked in the shop the whole weekend and was trying to get back to it's little squirrel family when it jumped at me to get outside.
I think it was either rabid or a zombie, or maybe both!
Dun, dun, duh!!!!!!!!!
So if you see a squirrel with suspiciously red glowing eyes and a foaming mouth, beware! It could be a RABID ZOMBIE SQUIRREL!!!

Who's the dumb ass? Stupid question.

I think I need to mummify myself in caution tape to warn other people that standing too close to me could be hazardous to their health.

Maybe the laws of gravity are slightly warped in my immediate vicinity or something. I'm surprised I haven't been hit by a meteor entering our atmosphere.

Yes, I, the witless wonder, have injured myself again.

I got home from the store last night with a huge bag of cat food, we like to buy it only once every two months. I had a bunch of bags in my other hand so I had the cat food bag over my right shoulder. When I flipped the bag down to the floor it snagged in one of my earrings and ripped it almost all the way out.
I didn't even notice how bad it was until the blood started dripping onto my shoulder.
And damn it! It's the piercing I just did like two, maybe three weeks ago. I don't think I'll ever be able to have an earring anywhere near that spot again, it's too damaged. Maybe in a year or so it will have healed enough.
Anyway, I'm a dumb ass.
And now it's time to play my favorite game:
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Nov 8, 2009

Trip, de trip, de trip, de trip.

I tried getting a good picture of Trip before the batteries on my camera died but she NEVER holds still! When my batteries are done charging I will try to get a picture of the phantom on her chest. Amoo says it looks more like a Phoenix.
"So there's a pile of splinters under my nose... that could be anybody's. I was framed, I tell ya!" Cheyenne keeps trying to blame it on the puppy, but we all know she's just as culpable.

Ahhhhh, the joys of having a puppy!
The other day Amoo asked me if I thought Trip would get any bigger. If we put Kale on his hands and knees you would see that they are the exact same size. Judging by her humongous paws and the fact that her gum's are still swollen due to teething, I think it's safe to say she's not done growing. By a long shot.
Phoenix has officially declared that Trip is his dog and as such he will be responsible for everything that has to do with taking care of her. It's a nice gesture but he really can't handle it so Amoo and I have been helping him with the watering and feeding.
This morning I came downstairs to find that the dogs had chewed up an entire roll of Amoo's toilet paper. Phoenix actually picked up his dog's mess without an argument.
Good on ya, mate.
If only I could get him to clean up the backyard, which lately has become known as a wasteland.
It's where the dogs like to drag all the booty they steal from the house. It's like they think we don't know they hide everything they chew up out there. I would take a picture but Amoo would kill me. It's a demilitarized zone of shoes, stuffed animals and plastic dishes they've stolen out of the dishwasher. Not to mention their newest favorite, underwear and bras.
I would clean it up but I fear I would not return and my boys need a mother.
So yeah, young dogs, a great load of fun. No really, I mean that.
Gotta go, Memnock is kicking Trip's assassinator and she's crying for help. So sad.