Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Oct 25, 2010

In a handbasket

I'm going to hell.
Today I lost my temper and did something pretty bad. But if I had the chance to go back and change it... I wouldn't. That's how I know I'm going to hell.
My mother's brother lives with us for free.
I wouldn't have a problem with this except he's made a career of this. To my knowledge he's never owned his own place and has spent his entire life moving from one relatives house to another. He may pay rent at first but eventually he ends up screwing them out of a lot of rent and utility money. Then he moves on to the next relatives house and the process starts over again.
He has lived with us before so when Amoo brought it up my first response was, "Not only no, but hell no."
But Amoo knows how to work me and I let her do it because she was worried about her brother.
He had no money, and not even a bed to sleep on, so Amoo built him a room in our basement and even found a way to give him a bed.
This is one of the reasons why I'm sure my mommy is going to heaven.
He promised when he moved in that he would find a job and pay her rent. I can't remember how long it was but after a while of him sitting in that room all day doing nothing Amoo got on his ass about getting out and looking for a job.
One day while looking for said job he had a heart attack, or something, and was taken to the hospital.
He ended up in the intensive care unit and had open heart surgery. Amoo felt horrible. She felt as though pushing him to get a job had caused him to risk his health.
While in the ICU Emma told him, and us, that he could come live with her when he was healthy enough to leave.
Then, when the time came she started making excuses.
"Oh, I never said that."
"No, I said I would try talking to Deb about it."
"Oh, you must have misunderstood me."
Even I'm not that cruel to promise a man on his deathbed a place to stay and when it looks like he'll live take it away. That's just forking wrong.
So, obviously, he had to come back here.
It's been months since his surgery, and while he was very sick for a while, I think he's recovered enough to function.
I certainly do not expect him to get a job. But his doctors have said he's disabled now so he should be getting some kind of social security or something.
A while ago I cleaned out our voicemail from our home phone and at least six of the messages were from his doctor's office telling him that his disability form was ready and was he coming to pick it up? If he were less lazy he would get up and get the ball rolling on this social security or disability bull snit.
He pays nothing toward rent, power, phone, internet, television, water, gas, car insurance, or any resources he uses in our house. And for some weird reason, he just expects us to be happy with this situation. The only thing he pays for is his food and that's only because Amoo had to hound him every day to go get food stamps.
We have two other roommates and we charge them rent. How is that fair? They have to pay to live here but he doesn't. Why? Is he special or something?
He's not a very nice person to live with either. He listens in on all of our conversations because he's paranoid that we are plotting against him. As long as I've known him he's been paranoid like that. It's some kind of mental illness he has.
I do not like being uncomfortable in my own house. I do not want people listening in to my conversations and his paranoia is rubbing off on the rest of the house.
Everyone is suspicious of everyone else now and it's making us all unhappy.
I don't do unhappy in my home. It's the ultimate place of comfort and I work hard to keep it a safe haven for myself and my family.
Today he was late getting home from his medical whatever thingie.
This wouldn't be a problem except that Phoenix has a bad cough, it's like 40 degrees outside, and he had our car so I had to walk to pick up the boys from school.
When I got back I was furious. This is not the first time he's been out in my car and hasn't come back in time for me to use it. The only reason why he gets to use the thing is because of his heart.
I wrote him a note that went like this...
Saying you're sorry that we had to walk home isn't cutting it. I don't care if your clinic is on fire, you must be home on time. If you can't manage that then you will not be allowed to use the car.
Emma said something to Amoo while you were in the hospital. She said, "Robert doesn't have any money to give you for rent. He's never going to have the money and you're just going to have to understand that."
Amoo and I do not have the money to support you. We will never have the money and you're just going to have to understand that.
You have until the last day of school, May 29th 2011, to have $300 rent money or another place to live. After that you will be expected to give Amoo $300 per month if you want to continue living here.
Get up off your ass during the day and get your shit in a pile. (Or something like that, I can't remember the exact wording I used.)
This deadline is not from Amoo, it's from me, but is still valid. I will not allow you to leach off my mother any longer.
You should be ashamed of yourself. If you weren't such a bastard to everyone around you, you would have a place to go.
MAY 29TH 2011
If you do not have rent or are not moving out then on the 30th I will call the police and have you thrown out.
I could have been a little nicer, but I was pissed off. And giving it to him made me feel better.
I called Amoo to give her a heads up so that when he blew up at her she would know what the eff was going on. I told her I was sorry for creating a headache for her, but that it needed to be done.
I told her that if she didn't want to deal with it she could just tell him to talk to me about it, but we both knew he wouldn't.
My only fear was that he would think Amoo was trying to kick him out guilt free by hiding behind me. The truth is that my mommy is too nice for that.
She would let him live here forever if she had her way. She loves her family and feels an obligation to help them however she can.
But the facts are working against us.
She took a pay cut at work and now makes less than a McDonald's worker.
Our power bill is $750.00
And we are having a really hard time keeping up with all these bills.
I will not allow my family to suffer because Amoo's brother is incapable of taking care of himself. We couldn't afford to take care of him before he moved in and now we are so deep in the crappy river of debt that I don't know if we can make it out.
He doesn't see a problem with this. For some reason he thinks everyone on the planet exists to take care of his every need.
How can someone live like that?
I'm kind of a selfish person and can't imagine having all my comforts taken away just because I don't feel like getting up and going to work.
It's taken quite a while but I do have a work ethic now. The ethic is this: I go to work no matter what.
Do I want to? No. But I do it because I love money and all the things I can buy with it.
He loves money and all the things you can buy with it but he's not willing to put any effort into getting any.
It's sad really.
I do feel sorry for him, but this is the second time we've had to live with him and his poor pitiful me act gets old after the first year or so.
I'm not buying it anymore. And now that he's actually sick, he doesn't have anyone to turn to because he's never helped anyone out the way everyone helps him. And when they help him he makes it seem like he's doing them a favor by gracing them with his presence. He feels entitled to a place to live in your house and you should just sit there a feel flattered or something.
I really don't get it.
I'm a spiteful woman who is so resentful that she's throwing out her uncle only months after he's had open heart surgery. (Well, he's got another six months.)
I'm going to hell.
But I'm still glad I did it.


Oct 15, 2010

The Revenge of Dumb Ass Friday

So... yesterday after the kids got off school we piled in the car and headed out to my cousin Ame's house for her daughter Apryl's birthday party.
I got lost a couple times but really, did you expect anything else from me? We got there at about 5:20... 20 minutes after the party was supposed to start. Apryl answered the door and seemed properly excited to see us.
Without thinking I just walked into her house, a place I've never been before, without asking and sat my happy ass down on her couch. Kale, of course, made himself comfy on the floor with his markers and coloring book while Phoenix started salivating over their video game collection.
Bill, Ame's husband was looking at me like I had just grown a second head, but having purple hair and tattoos all over my arms sometimes causes that and I'm used to it.
After chatting for a couple minutes I asked where Ame was and Apryl told me she was at the store getting cupcakes.
Then I asked if we were too early because no one else was there. Bill said, "For what?"
And I said, "For the birthday party."
Apryl said, "What did my mom tell you? The party isn't until Saturday."
Yes, I was hearing the sound of a braying jackass in the back of my head as I explained that I had thought it was on Thursday not Saturday. Phoenix used their bathroom and we beat a hasty retreat after giving Apryl her gift.
I could have waited around for Ame to get back but I was so embarrassed that I basically ran out of there with my tail tucked between my legs.
I am a dumb ass.
Then I got lost on the highway on the way back to our house and I ended up going way too far and landing in commerce city where Amoo works.
And I repeat, I AM A DUMB ASS!
So yeah... I'm retarded and I can't even read a simple birthday invitation.
Wow! I need some chocolate now.
BD Wrong

Sep 28, 2010

Just Like Any Other Day...

I have almost reached the end of this day.

It happens to be Phoenix's birthday and I never thought I would want said day to end as much as I do now.

Why, you ask?


(get comfy, this isn't gonna be brief.)

Yesterday Amoo and I gathered at walmart to shop for Phoenix's birthday. We got a bunch of treats and little party favors to hand out to everyone in his class at school. The teacher begged me not to bring any form of cake so we got rice crispy treats. (the teacher thanked me later.)

We got him a prepaid phone for the biggest part of his present. We also got him a card with minutes for his phone, a t-shirt that said, "Vampires ate my homework" and Iron Man 2.

We got Kale the same shirt to soften the blow that Phoenix would be getting presents and he wouldn't. I worked all day yesterday and was busy afterward so I didn't get to the activation of his phone until today around 12:30.

After talking to several people from the company that manages the service for the phone I was ready to rip out my eyeballs and beat them over the head with the bloody stalks.

Ever seen the first Transformers movie?

There's a part where the army guys are in a foreign country fighting the decepticon" Scorpion" and they are trying to get a call through to the pentagon. They have to buy the phone call with a credit card and the soldier is trying to tell the operator that he's a little busy with the trying to stay alive business. The operator says, while picking his nose, "Sir, the attitude will not speed things up, not one little bit."

This is what my time on the phone with these people was like.

I kept reading the numbers to the lady and she would read them back to me, but they were always the wrong numbers.

For example: I would say, 639 and she would say, "See, tree, fie?"

I would say no and repeat the numbers but she would still repeat the wrong ones back to me. It went back and forth like that for a while until she transferred me to another operator who had an even thicker accent that I had an even harder time understanding.

After three transfers and four different operators it was determined that the phone we bought wasn't properly scanned by the cashier at walmart and, therefore, not eligible to be activated. It's how they keep people from stealing the phones and activating them.

I had to go to Phoenix's school at a certain time to hand out the treats so I didn't have his present wrapped and ready after school as we had originally planned. So I had to drop the boys off at home with Amoo and run to walmart to exchange the phone.

Amoo was waiting with Phoenix and Kale at home, and they knew I was bringing presents so I tried to hurry. Hurrying was not in the plan.

They're doing construction on 56th ave and the flaggers had all of traffic stopped for quite a long time to let all the construction vehicles leave the area.

I suppose it was a good thing. I wrapped Phoenix's present and put a bow on it while I waited. Yes, I actually had wrapping paper, tape, scissors, and ribbon with me in the car. If you know me then you know I have a slight obsession with wrapping gifts. But I have to say this was a first for me. How many people can say they wrapped a gift while in traffic and in the drivers seat?
I was running at warp speed all day and realized as I was driving home that I had forgotten to make anything for dinner. It being Phoenix's birthday this would obviously not do.
I stopped at McDonald's and picked up 50 chicken nuggets and two happy meal toys.
I was the hero for the day. Kale and Phoenix LOVE McDonald's and that, coupled with the presents for both boys made me look like the coolest person on the planet.
We had a cake, strawberry short cake (his favorite) and some ice cream, but we never got around to it because as soon as we were done eating Amoo had another surprise for Phoenix.
He turned 8 today and is now old enough to join the cub scouts at Amoo's church.
I was sceptical. I hear the word scout and I automatically think "club of dorks", but he really had fun. I love that he can hang out once a week with boys his own age and learn new, and potentially useful things.
The part I love the most about it is that he can get some kind of male guidance that his fatherless household cannot provide. He needs testosterone in his environment and this is a very good way to get it. Plus, I don't have to worry that the kids he's hanging out with will try to sell him drugs or teach him all about gang initiation.
It was another boy's birthday as well and everyone got cake at the end of the meeting. One lady in Amoo's ward even made a cake for Phoenix. I was touched.
Before the end of the meeting the kids got together in the gym to play some dodge ball. This is another thing I like about the scouts. Phoenix really needs physical exercise.
Unfortunately, Kale was very excited and wouldn't stop running around. He wasn't interfering with the game much. The problem was he has asthma and for some dumb ass reason, I took his inhaler out of the glove box in the car.
When they were done with the game the scouts went back into the relief society room to finish their meeting while I tried to get Kale to slow down his breathing. Kale is only 5 and is new to this asthma thing, so when he coughs he uses his voice and it sounds like he's screaming.
You have to hear it to really get the idea.
I had lost sight of Amoo and was looking all over the church for her and pulling along a child who was coughing so loud I'm sure everyone in the church, no neighborhood, heard it and wondered who was dying.
After exhausting all other options I tried sneaking a peak into the scout meeting. As soon as I opened the door Kale started scream-coughing non-stop. I apologized and snuck in to tell Amoo that I had to run home to get Kale's inhaler and that I would be back as soon as I possibly could.
There are two doors in the relief society room. I came in one door and left through the other so I could avoid walking through the scout master who was reciting some kind of speech when I barged in. Kale, who had stayed by the door, lost sight of me when I exited the room and freaked the fluck out.
He slammed the door as he ran into the hallway and yelled, "BRITT?! WHERE ARE YOU?"
Seriously, when have I ever left him alone or without telling him where I'm going? I tell this child when I'm taking a shower so he doesn't freak out about it and he still thinks I'm gonna disappear.
So yeah... If you're ever having an evening where you haven't been publicly embarrassed just invite my youngest son. He'll fix that right up for you.
By the time we got back to the church the meeting had ended and Amoo and Phoenix were waiting for us. Luckily we weren't the last ones to leave so I didn't feel too bad about deserting them.
It was 15 minutes till bedtime when we got home so I hurried the boys through a bath and shuffled them off to bed.
I am now soooooo happy that this day is over.
I love that Phoenix had a wonderful birthday but it sure took a lot of trouble to produce.
I'm gonna go to sleep now.
When I finished this post I clicked the wrong button and didn't post it.
Sorry, this was supposed to post yesterday, on Phoenix's birthday. Now it's a day late.
I'm hearing that jackass noise in the back of my head.

Aug 30, 2010

They Didn't Light Anything On Fire

Today was a weird day.

I walked Phoenix and Kale to school, just like normal. I left them outside in the lines with their teachers, just like normal. And I walked home, just like normal.

When I got home I cozied up with a good book, Eclipse. (Yes, it's like my 10th time reading it, but it never gets old to me.)

After a couple pages I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was just John in the hallway but it wasn't. I looked over and Phoenix and Kale walked into my room.

My first thought was, "Who in the hell walked you guys home?"

After a couple questions the story came out. Pretty much as soon as I turned my back Kale found his brother, latched onto him and wouldn't let go. He was screaming and crying and he refused to go into the school. Phoenix was confused and didn't know what he was supposed to do, so he walked back home to get me.

I yelled at Kale and told him he was grounded off video games for a day, a fate worse than death.

I walked them back to school. While we were walking I told Phoenix that if this ever happened again to GO FIND A FREAKIN' TEACHER. To NEVER leave the school without myself or Amoo and to never, never, ever walk home alone again.

We live in East Denver Gang-land for cryin' out loud! (I think I aged about ten years today.)

I told Kale that if he ever did this again I would take all the video games, and the systems that they plug into, and sell them. He promised he would never do it again and pretty much cried the whole way back to school. I explained what had happened to the teachers and they promised to keep an eye on Kale to keep this from happening again.

I suppose this was bound to happen sooner or later. I was the world's worst child and I can expect no less from my little demons.

Amoo said something that both comforted and filled me with dread at the same time, "At least they didn't light anything on fire."

Later - BD

Aug 19, 2010

Watch your kids in the bathroom.

Yesterday I was rushing through the house, making sure we would all be ready for back to school night @ 4pm, when I heard Kale crying. I found him in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. He said it was hurting when he tried pushing. This is not a new phenomenon. Kale has had constipation often and we're just used to it.
I told him there was nothing he could do but push it out. While saying this I noticed he was coated from the top of his head to his belly button in Gorilla Snot, a kind of super-hold hair jell, and that he'd taken John's shaving cream and used it like silly string on the floor all around him.
The next time Kale tried pushing he started screaming.
My mommy senses, you know... the one that says, "Help The Baby NOW!" went off and I took a look at what was doing between Kale's legs.
I will not describe what I saw. If you want to see what it looked like look up "rectal prolapse" on WEB MD or Google it.
I have never been so terrified in my life. To see what I saw and not be panicked is impossible. I thought at least he would need surgery and at worse he was dying from some kind of internal disease. I did the only thing I could think of. I pushed it back in. Later the doctors said it was the right thing to do, but now I think it was stupid and reckless and I had no business trying to fix a human.
Amoo came home from work as quickly as she could drive, legally. While she drove I bathed Kale to get all the gorilla snot off of him, and it seemed to calm him down. By the time we got to Children's Hospital he behaved as if it had never happened.
While we waited I let him take pictures of the lobby with my camera and they turned out rather good for a five year old.
When we finally got back to a room the doctor did a quick visual to make sure nothing was hanging out. He couldn't see anything wrong so they brought in the supervising doctor and a picture of what I had described. The picture was exactly what it looked like.
They said Kale had experienced something called Rectal Prolapse. Many, many things can cause it. It's most common in small children and the elderly who have problems digesting or live in third world countries and are malnourished.
Sometimes it can happen in healthy children if they just spend too much time on the toilet pushing way too hard.
They still had to do an internal exam to make sure everything was in the correct place. I cannot express the horror and panic I felt as they performed this odious, however necessary, procedure. Kale screamed and bit and kicked the whole time. It took four people besides me to hold him still so they didn't accidentally hurt him.
Afterward they gave him a juice box and a Popsicle.
Personally, I think he earned himself a new video game or a lump sum of cash, but I guess that was all they had on hand.
They said everything was fine and that it should never happen again, but that if it does I need to rush him to the E.R. as quickly as possible. Because if it happens again that means there's some kind of structural deformity that will most likely require surgery to fix.
We went home with some laxatives, a rubber glove balloon, and a very, very, VERY, unhappy child.
Today was his first day of school, which he got to experience while taking laxatives. Yay!
Maybe I'll tell that one another time.

Aug 10, 2010


My dad died on Saturday.
He was flying his plane when he crashed and died on impact.
I went with Tobi to Utah for the funeral on Thursday. No one could get a flight in because there's some kind of archery championship going on in Utah right now, so everyone who came had to drive.
I don't do well at funerals in general so this was horrifying to me. I cried more in the past week than I have in my whole life. I stayed with my sister Krystal and her husband Derek.
I am sooooo happy I got to stay at her house and not some other random relation. Well, I would have loved staying with Jenny, my other sister in Utah, too.
I got to sleep in the Twilight room. It's aaaaawesome! Also very calming being surrounded by a gorgeous vampire and werewolf.
Krystal's son, Drake, is the cutest two year old. I loved spending time with him and started missing him the moment we left.
Derek was awesome to me. My boys completely took over his xbox so they could play games almost constantly and he never complained about it. I'm pretty sure I mentioned I don't do well at funerals. He always seemed to find me when I needed a hug, which was a lot over the past few days. He also made the kids stop being little shits when I didn't have the emotional energy to get them to behave.
Krystal and Derek have a cat named Shadow.
I love, love, LOVE, their kitty. Normally cats don't do well with change and strange people but this cat is different. She slept on me almost every night I was there and would come curl up on my lap whenever I was sitting in the living room. She was just the cutest and friendliest little thing I've ever seen. I miss you Shadow.
Krystal... I have never met someone so generous and willing to make my stay as comfortable as possible. She seemed to always be helping someone at every moment of every day I stayed there and I saw the toll it was taking. She was exhausted but she never complained and still kept asking everyone if there was more she could do.
You don't meet selfless people very often, and I certainly haven't met anyone like that in a long time. I was, and still am, astounded and proud that I can claim this woman as my sister. And while we haven't really been in touch all that much I hope I can fix that and stay in contact with her.
I will probably blog more about my trip later, but now I have to go make dinner.
Tacos... Yummy!

May 28, 2010

The Post That Never Ends

I had a busy week. It was the last week of school and I had many functions I promised to help with at both of my boys' classes.
MONDAY: Tie-dye shirts with Kale's class.
I played with all the students to keep them distracted while the teachers set up the stuff. I have a particular fondness for Yasmin and Breanna. they were the two girls I was in charge of on the field trip.
It was mayhem, but after about an hour we got everything put away and the kids got to take turns making their shirts.
The problem with that was that the kids didn't understand why those kids got to make a shirt and they didn't. We told them they would get a turn but they are 4 and 5 years old. They don't hear adults unless they say 'candy' or 'toys'. I decided to keep the kids distracted while the teachers supervised the kids with the very permanent dye. It was like walking up the side of a mountain while juggling. ADVENTURE! They didn't want to do any of the boring stuff I was doing, they wanted their own shirts now. After the first kids were done and the teachers called two more over some of the kids caught on and settled down.
I didn't get to see Kale do his shirt but I got to see the after effects. Did I mention the dye was PERMANENT? Thankfully the teachers put water-proof smocks on them to protect their clothes, but Kale was blue and purple from his elbows to his wrists. I just got the rest of the dye out of his skin yesterday. (For those of you not counting, that's three days later.)
There was one shirt left over and I got to do that one. It was fun. Like, a lot more fun than I thought it would be.
I was supposed to stay the whole day at Kale's class but Amoo called me and needed the car. Kale was a little less than happy that I was leaving after I said I would stay with him until school was over. I told him that I didn't plan on Amoo's brother having a heart attack but he still thought I was pulling one over on him.
I left after prying his little hands out of my hair and took Amoo to the hospital to visit her brother. If you don't know what happened with him go read her blog. "bunrammitsrus"
When we got to the hospital I needed to use the bathroom. While in the stall I saw the TWO INCH hole in the crotch of my jeans. So the whole time I was at the school everyone could see my pink undies with the maxi pad wings stuck to the underside.
Seriously, is there anyone cooler than me?
TUESDAY: Phoenix's class was having a picnic at Falcon park.
I made 35 sandwiches and agreed to drive all the food that the teachers couldn't carry. They had to walk with the students to the park.
Of course myself and only one other lady brought blankets to sit on. Good thing I brought two. there was a whole lot of food. Pasta salad. Baked beans. Potato salad. Strawberries and a fruit platter. My sandwiches. Three different kinds of chips. Cookies. Red vines. Chocolate cake. Juice pouches by the dozens. Fruit punch and soda. Only three kids threw up from over eating.
I made sure all the students got food then I pigged out, especially on the pineapple and strawberries. It was soooooooo goooooood. There were three classes of second graders at the park having their picnics at the same time. Mrs. Kullinger was the class I was with and Mrs. Harris is the teacher Phoenix switches to in the middle of the day. There was one teacher I didn't know. The adults with the teachers I knew did a really good job making sure the trash from the food was cleaned up but the third class didn't even seem to be making an effort. I was irritated to see the trash blowing away in the wind so I started picking it up. I spent most of the three hours I was there picking up trash. No, I didn't have to do it but it was rude to leave a public park swimming in refuse. It was wrong.
When Phoenix and I were sharing a piece of chocolate cake, I can't remember how the subject came up, he was telling some of his classmates that there was a chemical in chocolate that can make you happy. So Phoenix said, in a very, very loud voice, "Yeah, that's why my mom eats so much of it when she's on her period."
Good times.
WEDNESDAY: Kale's class was having field day.
I also promised him I would stay the whole day to make up for ditching him on Monday.
Mrs. Weil, one of the teachers, brought back their shirts after washing them and let them all wear them. They turned out so cute. It was like a whole flock of tiny hippies.
Again, I was the center of attention. It was quite fun until the teachers found out a fourth grade teacher took their spots at the park next to the school. So we had to stall the kids while she and the other ECE (preschool) teachers figured out where they could hold the events. They had just decided to have it in the pit, which is a fenced in portion of the school's front lawn, when the sky opened up and wept.
I was chuckling merrily at the thought that the fourth grade teachers deserved the rain for stealing the park from the ECE kids, when I realized I had left the windows open in the car. I sprinted to the car and was in the process of rolling up the windows when a car drove past me and splashed me from my neck to ankles with muddy water. I drove home to change my clothes, we only live about a minute drive away from the school. I grabbed the first things I could find that were clean which happened to be my red Christmas pajama bottoms and an Avatar t-shirt. I would have taken more time but I was afraid Kale would notice I was gone and bring the building down with his wrath.
When I got back to the school about three minutes later I was struck dumb by the sky. I could literally see the clouds swirling into the shape of a funnel just north of the school. I wasn't the only parent who went to the office to tell the principal to check for a tornado warning. Turns out there was a tornado to the north of us but it hadn't touched down. So the field day events had to be moved, again, to the gym.
The kids were a little upset that they didn't get to go outside, until the hail started falling and the thunder started shaking the school.
During the sack race a little girl named Zaniah had to go to the bathroom. She has two hearing aids and has a hard time telling people what she wants. I saw her doing the potty dance and told Mrs. Weil I was taking her to use the bathroom in the nurses office. I put her in the bathroom and closed the door, then I turned around to deal with Kale.
See, the principal chose that moment to announce there was a tornado and that we may have to seek shelter if the alarms went off. Kale hears the word TORNADO and freaks out. He yells at the top of his lungs, right behind the principal who is talking to the WHOLE school on the PA, "We're all gonna die!" I don't know if his hysterics were heard all over the school because I was too busy trying to calm him down.
When I got him to stop crying I turned around and my eyeballs damn near popped out of my effing head. Zaniah was buck ass naked with the bathroom door flung wide open and looking at me like, "Why aren't you fixing this?" I tried closing the door but she wouldn't let me. I think she was afraid of being alone or something, makes me wonder if the door was open the whole time I was dealing with Kale.
I tried getting her to dress herself but she wouldn't do it. I looked at her underwear and saw the problem. She'd had a little accident of the number 2 variety. I got some baby wipes from the nurse and got her to clean herself up while I got some spare undies from the nurse. That lady is always prepared, she even had pink princess undies.
After much drama I got everyone back to the gym in time for the egg in the spoon race. Mrs. Weil and Mrs. V were mortified that I had to deal with such a mess from a kid I didn't even know. It really wasn't that big of a deal but I think they thought it was.
THURSDAY: Kale's class was having a graduation ceremony and party.
I grabbed my camera and two sets of AA batteries so I could document this momentous occasion. Shortly after arriving I realized all the batteries were dead. Well, they had enough power to turn the camera on, and keep it on, but not enough to actually take a photo. Damned new fangled technology! You have failed me again.
I took a couple pictures with my phone and I tried taking a video but it didn't turn out very well. After the EXTREMELY cute ceremony where all the kids sang and got their diplomas saying they graduated from preschool we moved out onto the lawn for a party.
Kale told me he loved Breanna and he wanted to tell her before the summer. I told him he better do it now because it was his last chance. It was sooooooooo cute! He was blushing when he said, "Breanna... I love you and I want to marry you." Then she gave him a hug and said,"OK."
Her mom said she wasn't ready to be a grandmother yet.
While Kale and Breanna ran around the lawn blowing bubbles and laughing I told Mrs. Weil that he had proposed to Breanna and she had said yes. His teacher laughed and told me she'd called it days ago. I guess when the class was practicing their dance moves for the graduation ceremony Kale and Breanna would dance with their arms around each other while gazing into each other's eyes. And during recess for the last couple days they would only play with each other and they would stop suddenly so they could gaze at the other. So, I guess I'm gonna be a mother in law.
I wonder how many girls Kale has proposed to this year?
After the party I went home and grabbed some batteries then ran back to the school so I could get a picture of Kale with Mrs. Weil and Mrs. V, his second teacher.
As soon as I find that stupid cord for my camera I will post the pictures.
Three hours after taking Kale home I picked up Phoenix from his last day at school. His reading teacher gave me a chart showing Phoenix's progress in reading. He was literally off the charts. I was so freaking proud. I took pictures of Phoenix with Mr. Yues, the reading teacher. (I have no idea if I spelled his name right.) And with Mrs. Kullinger, his first teacher, and Mrs. Harris, his second teacher. Mrs Kullinger even gave me a hug and said while she shouldn't have favorites, Phoenix was hers.
I have to say it was an awesome and also hectic week filled with amazing highs and extremely embarrassing lows.
This morning I woke up and did NOTHING for an hour before I finally decided to roll my but out of bed. I'm trying very hard to be lazy today. I think I've earned it.

May 14, 2010

Effing crap and stuff.

Up with this shit I will not put!
My computer is challenged. I can't put a play list on my blog spot because the stupid thing won't let me copy and paste.
I can't put any new pictures on it either because now that Robert has (fixed) the computer it no longer recognizes the drive the memory card plugs into. He says it wasn't him. Bullshit! Funny how I never had this problem before he fiddled with it. But, no, it's just a funny coincidence.
I can't get anything to work on this stupid thing and it's pissing me off.
I was gonna post some pictures of Kale and Phoenix playing with Cora and Alec, but I can't, so I won't.

I had to go with Kale on a field trip to the aquarium. Why? He's afraid his grandmother will show up and take him away. Thanks Sparky for the emotional damage to my five-year-old. Much love.
The best way to describe my experience on the field trip is... well...
Imagine you have three eggs and only two hands to carry them in. Now imagine you have to carry these fragile things safely through a tornado.
Am I exaggerating?
Hell no!
I was in charge of Kale, and two other kids. One, a girl named Yasmin and the other, also a girl, named Breanna. Kale was paranoid, bordering on hysteria, the whole time and wouldn't let go of me for more than fifteen seconds while simultaneously telling me we should go now because he didn't like it there.
Breanna is a very intelligent little girl. The problem is she's also independent. Most four-year-olds wouldn't know to keep within sight of the adult they were paired with. So every time she let go of my hand I had to go collect her. She amazed me when she started reading the printed information next to the tanks of exotic fish. Sure she had to sound out some of the words but I'm still extremely impressed that she was able to read words like habitat and instincts.
Breanna also has a big thing for hand sanitizer. At the downtown aquarium there is a hand sanitizer dispenser every fifteen feet or so. She used each one at least three times.
Yasmin is the cutest little girl in the world, next to Cora. (I'm not trying to usurp her Highness's position.) The problem is that she was scared of everything. The pretty jellyfish that looked like they were changing colors scared her. The sea turtles scared her. Even the clown fish, Nemo fish, and the fish that looked like Dori scared her. The beautiful and majestic sting rays? Terrified her. Maybe because they looked big enough to swallow her whole. Even the little fish frightened her. It was hard getting anything coherent out of her mouth but, from what I understood, she thought the fish could swim out and get her. The two, and sometimes three, inch glass didn't seem like a sturdy enough barrier to her.
So every time Yasmin got scared she climbed up me until she was wrapped around my head like the dog Max on How The Grinch Stole Christmas. You know, when they take the sled down the mountain? And that girl has some sharp ass nails.
Then we got to the largest tank where they keep the sharks. I was braced for impact when she would surely launch herself at me like the space shuttle headed to the international space station. She took one look at a nurse shark with all it's jagged, gnarly teeth and said... "Ooooh, pretty."
I about had a heart attack. Seriously... WTF?
I could probably have handled this with ease if it weren't for the fifty other schools on a field trip to the aquarium at the same time as us. Some of them were older kids, but it was like little kids day or something. And they all looked the same to me. Remember the tornado I mentioned earlier? That was the two or three hundred other kids there. Who, by the way were pushing in on me, and my tiny little charges, the whole time. It was like being in a mosh pit, only with something you need to protect.
At lunch time I had to try getting Kale to eat the food the school provided. See, the aquarium won't allow backpacks inside. I don't know why, just to irritate me probably. So I left Kale's lunchable in his backpack at the school. I swear, that child has food issues. The lunch the school provided consisted of a peanut butter and jelly crustable sandwich, obviously poison. Celery sticks, can't even be classified as edible. Apple sauce, which Kale informed me was scabs and pus. String cheese, jellyfish tentacles. (See, he did learn something on the field trip.) I managed to get him to choke down the apple juice, probably because he was starving.
When we got back to the school I did a bad thing. I made up some lame excuse and took Phoenix and Kale home where I collapsed on the living room floor and ate pizza until my head stopped buzzing.
Next week Kale's class is going to the Butterfly Pavilion and Ms. Weil, his teacher, said if they don't have any other parents to come I get to go with them again. Yay me!
I think I can handle it, if I have some nice tranquilizers to come home to.
Later BD
Sarah, I love your music playlist. Well, except the lady gaga, aka: lady gag me. I can't stand her.

Mar 13, 2010

We're looking, we're looking. A... what are we lookin' for?

So yeah, I've been away from my computer lately. But I really do have a good excuse. Honest.
First of all Robert moved in, totally not my idea, and he "fixed the computer" again. (also not my idea) So everything I had on the computer, my favorites, pictures, smutty websites, etc. are all gone. Plus I always feel like he's looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm not trash talking him or something. (P.S. If you are reading this Robert you should mind your own business and stay the hell off my blog spot.)
I kid you not, the same day he came the paranoid crap started. He said someone installed spy ware on our computer. Is it possible? Sure. But considering the source I'm not prepared to go on faith that it's true.
I've been sick for a while now. I'm getting a whole lot better but I still haven't gotten my voice back completely. It sounds like a sea hag getting goosed in the ass every few seconds. It's all low like a man who's smoked for fifty years but then when I talk for any length of time it cracks and shoots up in pitch until the dogs are the only ones who can hear it.
So if you have called me and I haven't answered it's because it hurts when I talk, not because I hate you and don't want to talk. You know me, I LOVE to talk.
Phoenix thought I was a vampire and tried to stake me.
(so I was gonna put a picture of my wound here but now that the computer is 'fixed' it won't let me see anything I plug into the tower. pisses me off!)
Well... that's not exactly how it went down but it sounds way cooler than what actually happened. I was making a wand with my dremel tool when Trip, the poor clueless puppy, came barrelling into me. I fell into the dremel and it slashed across my chest. The amount of blood was impressive but ultimately it wasn't that bad. It felt like I got a sunburn on a fresh tattoo.
Ooooooh. Funny story.
I had just finished getting Kale dressed after his bath so I was sitting in the hallway outside their bathroom. I was putting triple antibiotic ointment on the wound on my chest when John walked up to go into his room. (he didn't know I had been hurt) He saw me, his eyes got all big, and he turned around and started walking the other way. I did go tell him what I was really up to but for a minute there he thought I was stroking myself in public. Gross hun? I would have walked away too.
Kale has decided he wants to get married.
I know. He's only five but his mind is made up.
See, what had happened was...
His teacher, Ms. Weil, brought her dog to school because she's something of a celebrity to the kids and her cousin came with because she had a day off school and she wanted to help with the dog. Her cousin Jordan is this little blond twelve year old girl. And she's just about as cute as little girls get. When I came to pick up Kale his teacher told me to look at what he was doing. He was hiding behind a table, which was like an elephant hiding behind a bush and looking at Jordan with what can only be described as longing in his eyes. When he saw I was there he freaked out because he wanted to draw a picture for her before we left. After he gave her the picture he came out to me, stopped, said he forgot something important, and ran back into the classroom. He ran up to Jordan and said, "I LOVE YOU!" then ran back out to me.
While we walked home he told me I had to buy him a tuxedo so he could get married to her.
So yeah, Kale's in love with a cougar. I'm gonna be a mother in law.
Phoenix made up this story as part of his homework and I just was so proud of him that I had to share.
Once there was a snake who loved to spin in circles. But one day he spun in a circle for so long that he got tied in a knot. He asked everyone he knew for help but they couldn't untie him because they were snakes too and didn't have any hands. The snake was sad. To cheer himself up he started spinning in a circle again. Then he had an idea... He started spinning in a circle going the other way. He did it for a long time and he was very dizzy. But when he wasn't dizzy anymore he saw that he wasn't tied in a knot. He was very happy.
Seriously, it doesn't get cuter than that.
Dakota and Dalton are here today so I've got to go see what the panicked screaming is all about.
Wish me luck and fortitude.

Jan 17, 2010

My Angry Letter

This was the letter that I wrote to Andrew at 4 am the morning after the Great Chucky Cheese Disaster.

This cannot continue.
Why in the world your mother, or anyone really, expect a five year old to value familial relationships above shiny new possessions is above my knowledge. The ability to appreciate family comes with TIME and AGE, no one is born with it.
Your mother thinks we have turned Kale against her. It's sooooooo not true. I completely understand, and don't really care, that you will never believe me about that. But still, it's not true.
The fact that you blame Dakota for poisoning Kale and making him afraid of your side of the family is laughable to the point of hysteria.
Sure, I believe Kale told you it was so. But he also told us, and the social worker at his school, that you beat him with a belt.
Could it be true? Maybe. But I'm not prepared to take a five year old's word for it. He also thinks Ghost Rider is his best friend and lives under his bed. Kale has a big imagination and he uses it constantly.
It's called childhood!
When I was a child I hated going to my father's house because while I was there he would tell me how my behavior was wrong and what a worthless piece of shit my mother was. And yet he never caught on that, as a child, I didn't enjoy that kind of treatment.
Telling a kid that the way they think and feel is wrong isn't going to sway them to your way of thinking. All it does is create an uncomfortable environment for them and at such a young age all they know is it's not fun, so they don't like it.
I still, to this day, refuse to speak to my father. Is that what you and your mother want? Do you really think telling Kale he's wrong and bad is the way to get him to want to spend more time with you? Because I have over twenty years of experience being the child between two parents that live in different families and I know what will work. What you guys are doing will only make it worse.
Sparky... All she had to do was get through one family gathering without slinging insults at anyone, and she couldn't even do it for his birthday.
Do you know what the definition of insanity is?
Literally it is repeating the same behavior over and over, yet expecting different results every time. Your mother thinks that she is always right, that what comes out of her mouth is law. Then when Kale doesn't respond positively to what she's saying she labels him as wrong and bad. And yet she cannot fathom why he doesn't want to be near her. If I acted that way toward Addie what would you do? No one other than you and your wife has the right to reprimand your daughter, because you understand her behavior better than anyone.
If Addie got a bunch of presents and was at Chucky Cheese would you expect her to want to stay at the boring table to socialize with people she barely knows anymore? Of course she would want to play with her toys and all the games. She's a child and to expect more of her is unfair and insanely unrealistic.
Does your mother really think arguing with Kale, pointing out his character flaws, is the way to his heart? If she wanted to be around him so much she should have kept it light and fun for him. Now the only thing he's going to remember is his grandma yelling at him and Mommy and Daddy arguing.
Kids don't like uncomfortable situations. I would think, after raising as many children as Sparky has, she would have known that.
And I would never try turning Kale against any of you.
Do you know why?
Because it only drives the child toward whatever you're trying to warn them away from.
It's basic human behavior: Tell a kid not to touch the fire and they will stick their hand in it. You warned them but they went for it anyway. The thing is, they wouldn't have even thought of touching the fire if you hadn't mentioned it.
If you want to spend time with Kale all you have to do is call me. If he's not in school and we don't have anything planned you may come over to play with him. Hell, I'll even meet you somewhere if you don't want to be at my house.
But I'm warning you, if you bring Sparky I will leave with Kale, or ask you to leave if we are at my house.
All she does is make Kale feel like shit for being himself and I will no longer tolerate that poisonous behavior near my son. It's not good for him and personally, I'm sick to death of it. I simply will not stand for it anymore.
And I will also not tolerate anymore badmouthing of Dakota. He never did anything to you, or Kale, and placing the blame on him is just a way for Sparky to feel like she did nothing wrong when, in fact, she did. And she knows it.
I would love for Kale to have a relationship with you and his siblings, I think it would be good for him. But Sparky is out. She is not good for him and I'm sick of allowing her bullshit near my son just because she's his family.
Being a parent will teach you some very hard lessons and one of the most important ones is this: Your children are more important than what anyone else wants.
What Sparky wants is not worth the emotional damage Kale sustains every time he's around her. So I'm sorry, I truly am, but she is no longer welcome around my family.
If she ever wants to see Kale again she needs to take a look at herself and realize that yes, she did do something wrong with him and perhaps try behaving a little better toward her only grandson.
He's growing up so fast and she's going to miss even more of it because she couldn't keep her hateful comments to herself.
It's sad really.
So, if you want a relationship with Kale then step up. The only person stopping you is yourself.
Oh, and could you tell Sparky not to send him Popcorn Factory stuff anymore? He doesn't like it very much and it's not going to buy his affection.

I won't send this letter to him but it felt good to get it out.

Lets get ready to RUMBLE!

Today is Kale's birthday... Hippo Birdie Ewe Ewe.
On Friday Sparky called and managed to convince Kale to come to Chucky Cheese so their side of the family could wish him a happy birthday and give him his presents.
For once he was excited to see his grandma and grandpa, but especially excited to see his sisters.
So yesterday Phoenix, Kale, Dakota and I went to the seventh circle of hell, otherwise known as 'Chucky Cheese.' I hate that place but last night was especially bad because everyone, and I mean everyone, was there. It was so packed that we had to clean our own table just to have a place to sit. It was also very, very, very hot. Like how it gets in a mosh pit at a heavy metal concert. There were so many people and they were all in my personal space.
I'm a little claustrophobic and the people all around me were not enhancing my calm. But I stuck it out with a smile for the kids.
I gave Dakota fifty tokens and he was off with Phoenix when we found James and Addie. They told us where they were sitting and that they had saved us a table so I moved all our stuff to their section.
Addie loves her brother and she's at that very cute age where she gets so excited and has to tell everyone how she feels. "Is Kale! Kale! My Kale!" I mean, it just doesn't get cuter than that. His other sisters, Presley and Lilly, were considerably less excited about him and more happy to be chewing on anything they could get their hands on. But they're babies, I expected no less. They are getting so big and Lilly is chunky, just like Kale was as a baby.
Kale opened his presents, he made out like a bandit, and posed for so many pictures with his family. He was getting tired of it so he slipped away from the table and went to the giant gerbil cage to crawl in the tubes. I grabbed Phoenix and sent him in to get Kale and bring him back to the table. While he was inside James came to get me. I guess Kale was back at our table and was freaking out because he couldn't find any of us and thought we had left him with Sparky. I went to the table and tried my best to calm him down.
In the middle of Kale throwing the fit Sparky decides it's time for Kale to take a picture with his father, stepmother, and his three sisters. Sure it was a good idea, but the timing was less than stellar. So, of course, he didn't want to let go of me just yet. In his mind I had left him and he'd just gotten me back. He's still afraid of his grandmother and knows that everyone in that family is on her side. He seems to think that they will turn him over to her care.
Were his fears crazy? Maybe. But he's a little kid. You can't reason with a five year old, they're not rational creatures.
So, Kale didn't want to leave me to get his picture taken. Just when I had convinced him to pose for the picture, that I would stay where he could see me the whole time, Sparky starts packing up their shit and ranting at Kale.
It was loud and I had trouble hearing it all but the gist of it was that she was mad at Kale for not showing any interest in her and the family, that he was more interested in the presents than the people.
(I know what you're thinking, "no! a five year old more interested in presents than people, it can't be!" You feel me?)
Then, to seal the deal, she put her finger in his face and called him a "very f*@$ing selfish little boy!"
I asked Sparky why she had to go and do that. Why did she have to turn it into a fight? She said she could tell when she wasn't wanted and if Kale had what he'd come for then she would just leave.
(Can you hear my heart breaking? No! Say it ain't so!)
Andrew missed the ranting and after talking to his mother asked me why I had been so mean to his mother. I told him that she stuck her finger in Kale's face and what she said.
For a split second, I saw disappointment in his eyes. I think deep down he knows that his mother caused a fight and was angry with her. But who knows? Maybe I saw what I wanted to see. He said that Kale was a selfish little boy.
I told him, "Of course he is! He's a five year old. You can't expect him to behave like an adult when he's just a little boy."
Honestly, I think Andrew understands my side of the argument. But his mother is his mother, and she's also his free babysitter. With a set of twins and another little girl to be watched while he's at work... Would you give it up just to speak your mind? I'm not saying he's a wuss... Okay, maybe I am, but I can see why he would take her side.
Everyone left with her. I think they're all afraid to go against her and you can tell she's the one who tells everyone else what to do because they all followed her out like lemmings.
Kale, of course, was upset. He was almost in tears when he told me he didn't know what he had done wrong and why was his grandma being so mean to him?
Yeah, happy birthday to you Kale.
I stayed in that hell on earth for another hour and a half to try cheering him up. We spent all of the tokens and eventually Kale forgot about the drama so he could concentrate on all the fun games and picking out his prizes.
So, other than the grudge match and insult slinging, it was a great birthday celebration.
I swear! I'm never going to that Chucky Cheese again.
P.S. The date on my camera is one day slow. These were taken on the sixteenth.

Jan 16, 2010

Jan 5, 2010

Trip (trouble) Evans

Trip was injured today.
I don't know what happened to her. I was inside, watching Animal Cops, when I heard her screaming outside. I ran to the door, but she had made it into the kitchen before I could see what she'd gotten into. She had a HUGE cut on her left side, kind of high up close to her spinal cord. I saw all the blood and, being the calm and collected girl I am, freaked out. I called Amoo and told her Trip was dying and to come take us to the animal hospital before she bled to death.
Amoo is like a rock in a tense situation. In her 911 operator voice she told me to put pressure on the wound and she would be there to pick us up in 15 minutes.
After the first few minutes the bleeding stopped and I got a good look at the wound. It was as long as my first finger and two fingers wide. At first I thought maybe she was attacked by another animal that had somehow made it into our back yard, but the cut was too clean for that. It looked like she had been sliced open with something hard and sharp.
After I got her to the hospital she started shaking really bad, but the nurse told me it was just because she was scared and in pain. (I thought she might be going into shock or something.)
The doctor had to drag Trip back to the triage center where they would put her to sleep for a couple hours and sew her back together.
I just talked to the doctor and she said it looked like Trip may have gotten stuck in a tight space with a jagged piece of metal dragging over her back. She said there was a lot of 'dead space' around the wound, which, she explained, is where her pelt was ripped away from the connecting tissue by the force of her trying to get out of wherever she was stuck. Basically she was skinned and they had to re-attach her pelt.
The best part of this??? She's going to be fine. She's going to have a drain tube that we have to flush out once a day and give her medicine 2x a day. What a terrible day.