Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Mar 27, 2009

Dumb Ass Friday the 2nd

Today I have a few stories that clearly fall under the Dumb Ass Friday heading.
On Wednesday I went to work early because the youngest monster was at his grandma's house and, well, I kind of felt like it. When I clean the buildings I listen to my music player full blast and sing with the music in a very loud voice. I know that I can't sing very well, but when I'm alone I feel free enough to sing without embarrassment.
This particular day I noticed that John Krane's truck was still parked in the parking lot. It's not unusual, he has the right to take a company truck home to cover the cost of driving to work, it's in his contract.
I went in and got right to work. While I cleaned the break room I was practically screaming the words to various songs by My Chemical Romance and Breaking Benjamin.
About 15 minutes into my cleaning routine my stomach decided that KFC for dinner was a bad plan and I headed to the bathroom. While I was making the smell of a lifetime I heard the front door slam closed. I thought someone had shown up to work to get something they forgot. After I washed my hands I crept out to see who was there. I couldn't find anyone so I looked outside.
I did a triple take to make sure I was seeing correctly. John Krane's truck was gone! So not only did I have a witness to my very unladylike bathroom stench, he also had to suffer through my singing. I can just imagine him up in his office cringing from the sound of cats being tortured and waiting like a hostage for his chance to escape without getting caught.
He could probably win a law suit against me for mental distress.
Dumb Ass.
Today I had to go get a book that Amoo accidentally had shipped to her work address. Fablehaven, Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary. I left at about six pm. On the way there I almost died in a car accident caused by a postal truck. Not the little delivery ones, the big eighteen wheel cargo trucks. The Denver postal service headquarters is off of that road so I see them all the time and I have to admit, they are the worst drivers I have ever had the misfortune of sharing the road with. It's like they think that white line separating the lanes is a guide that they are supposed to keep the truck right on top of at all times. I wonder if they actually test the driver's eyesight before they let them get behind the wheel?
I was in the right lane when a postal truck drove into the Brinks armor truck behind me and just kept on going as though the driver hadn't noticed the 5,000 pounds of steel it had connected bumpers with. I was so shocked that I almost didn't swerve into the left lane to get out of the death trap coming towards me at 45 miles per hour.
So to the driver of the USPS truck...
While my life was flashing before my eyes Amoo was having a fun time with the kids at home. 15-30 seconds after I pulled out of the driveway Kale came down to her room screaming that he needed to throw up. What you've got to understand is that when Kale's little world is upset he lets you know in his own special way. It's like his feet are on fire and he screams while dancing in place. But he's screaming like Freddy Kruger has him by the balls while explaining to you what is wrong with him so unless you have a holy man to translate his speaking in tongues, or years of experience listening to the babble, then you are lost in the dark.
It's kind of scary to hear the first time. You think he's bleeding or someone has broken into the house, but it turns out that he stubbed his toe or got a paper cut.
Amoo gave him a bucket to throw up in after she deduced that he was trying to tell her he was going to be sick, and he commenced with the gagging. In the middle of this he announced that he needed to pee. So he just pulls down his pants and urinated in her shower while he was heaving. His aim was upset by the retching motions and he went off like a fire hose without someone holding on to it. I mean, the only way he could have topped the grossness factor would be if he had decided to poop on Amoo's feet.
So, when he was done releasing all his bodily fluids he just pulled up his pants and ran happily up the stairs to continue playing, leaving poor Amoo in her bathroom with a shocked and haunted look on her face.
I have experienced similar situations with him and I know it feels like getting struck by lightning. You're just going about your business when something drastic happens and when it's over you can't believe that it just happened to you, or that you survived.
So Kale, while I love you to death, today you are a Dumb Ass.
Dakota... I mean my house is in a perpetual state of chaos when he's here anyway, but today was worse than usual.
Ashton is a boy who lives across the street from us and is a friend of Dakota's. They were playing in the snow together for a while then they came inside to play the Wii. He was probably here for only three hours but something funny happened. Dakota let him eat almost constantly while he was here. I opened a new box of ice cream sandwiches today and they were all gone by three pm. There were twelve in the box so even if everyone in the house had two, which I know didn't happen, they still wouldn't have been gone. An entire box of gushers fruit snacks was consumed and just between Dakota and Ashton they ate eight toaster strudels. Now, I could handle that. I told Ashton that he had to go home and was fully prepared to deal with my anger in a reasonable way.
Dakota, in his infinite wisdom, decided that Ashton could take a $3.99 package of tuna, the family sized one, home with him.
Well why would he do that you ask?
I came home from the store and showed him the package because I knew he liked it a lot, and told him we would have it for dinner. He seemed to think I was telling him that the entire package was for him and Ashton asked him for it, moocher that he is.
Well, I made Dakota and Phoenix clean the living room and the kitchen because I was soooooo pissed off.
I also had to have them remove the lawn chair and various detritus, which doesn't belong to us, from our front yard that Ashton left there.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that the kid likes us. But it would be nice if he didn't eat all our food while he was here.
So, Dakota... Dakota... Dakota...
I love you man, but today you are such a freaking, blinding in your stupidity Dumb to the Ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to the stars.
I mean, you should open a business where you charge well behaved children for teaching them how to irritate their parents enough to get them to pull their own hair out. Think about all those kids trying to get their rich parents to pay attention to them.
No really, it could work.

Just now Dakota came down here to read what I was writing about him while Kale farts on my lap and laughs so hard he starts choking. Now Dakota is pretend farting by blowing on his arm while aiming his ass at me to make me think he's trying to kill me. The sad thing is that I noticed his ass cheeks clench when he makes the raspberry sound like he really is trying to push something out. Phoenix is upstairs taking a bath so I can hear him turning the water on full blast for three seconds then turns it off. And repeating that until I'm ready to kill him just to make the pipes stop squealing.
This is my life, isn't it grand?


Mammallama said...

you should have stuck your legs together with superglue when you started ovulating.... Dumb Ass!!

Tobi said...

Simmer Down Crazy Woman! And a little maiming of your children might be in order. Just a little maim.