Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Apr 3, 2009

Dumb Ass Friday #3

Today I thought I would start with a request for help. If you look in the upper right hand corner of the screen on my blog spot you will see my e-mail address listed as I no longer have that address and can't figure out how to change it on my blogger profile.
Yes, I'm a dumb ass and need help. Any suggestions?

Yesterday was a fun day.
When I say fun I mean I would have preferred to get my teeth drilled or be forced to watch soap operas rather than deal with the many trials I faced throughout the day.
The first little drama started when I got home from shopping that morning. I bought a little globe key chain because I lost my Jacob Black wolf one, wipe a tear. It was attached to the cardboard display thingie with one of those unbreakable zip ties. I couldn't find any scissors so in one of my most brilliant moments I decided to cut it off with a Ginsu knife.
Dumb Ass.
And I was so surprised when I stabbed myself in the left thumb and couldn't get the blade out because it had lodged in my bone, or something. I finally got it out and stemmed the bleeding. It took about ten minutes to get it to stop gushing. Kale thought it was the coolest thing he had ever seen. And, after he made sure I wasn't' in pain, laughed his little ass off. The funny thing is that the wound doesn't' even hurt anymore. The puncture was very small in size, just pretty deep. I don't even need a band aid anymore.
Good thing my immunizations are up to date or I would be afraid of getting lock jaw.

Also yesterday...
Kale came up to me around an hour after the bloody thumb drama and said his but really itched. Yay Me!!! So I took off his fuzzy sleeper to look. He had broken out in hives all over his little butt and you could literally watch them appear before your eyes. I gave him a bath, and some benadryl disguised as chocolate milk. When he was done I slathered his whole body in La Viola, it's this cream that is the only thing that will help his skin. If you know Kale then you know he loves the taste of it, and I have to constantly fight him to keep the tub of cream away from him while trying to smear it on him at the same time.
So I'm trying to hold on to a slippery child and I dropped the tub where he could get it. He bent over and reached between his feet where it had landed. Unfortunately I was sitting right behind him and his slippery, cream covered ass landed spread right over my face.
I was so mortified that I made the mistake of telling him to get his butt off my face. I thought he was going to choke on his own laughter. Of course, as a boy anything to do with his butt is the funniest thing in the world so he kept trying to put it back on me.
I was trying to tell him that it's not funny, while also trying to hold down my laughter so he wouldn't think I was lying. But he saw me smile and that's all it took for him to pull an Ace Ventura on me. He bent over and pulled his butt cheeks apart to make it look like his behind was talking to me.
I am still haunted by that view. I stopped changing his diapers long ago and I never wanted to see that part of him ever again.
Oh the HORROR!
Dumb Ass.

I mean hadn't I been through enough in one day?
It never ends!
I went to pick up Phoenix from school. I went to the office to sign him out and the principal did the freakiest thing.
She squealed at me like a teenager in the mall who had just found out her favorite boy band was coming to town. Then she rushed up to me and gave me a hug.
We all know how much I love physical contact with strangers.
Again... Yay me!
I was so startled that I froze like a dear caught in the headlights with a look on my face that I only get when I have to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I have no idea what I said to her to make her let go of me but I practically ran away to Phoenix's class to pick him up. We even took the back way out of the school through the playground to stay as far away from where I thought she would be.
Again, like everything else that had happened yesterday, Kale thought it was sooooo funny how I reacted. He even kept calling out for the "Pimple Lady" to get her to come back while Phoenix was whispering, in his loudest stage whisper, "No Kale, Britt is afraid of her, stop!"
I love my kids.
At least I got out of there without running into her again. I just hope she wasn't offended by my traumatized expression or my very loud children announcing my plan to give her the slip.
I just think I'll never go there again. Yeah, that's the ticket. But if I never went where my kids have embarrassed me before then I would never leave the house.
I felt like such a Dumb Ass.

1 comment:

Tobi said...

I love that Kale calls the principle the Pimple lady. YOU KNOW IT?!! He is so funny.