Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

Oct 8, 2008

My little monster from Hell.


Oh, my son Kale...

He has added an entirely new realm of disorder to my life.

Would I want it any other way? HELL NO!

Every morning he wakes up screaming for Amoo not to leave him. He runs up the stairs, crying and stumbling, to her room and latches himself to her so she can't leave without him. If she so much as uses the toilet without him knowing he starts screaming her name and searching for her frantically.

Why does he do this?

He says he wants to use the car so he won't have to walk with me when I take Phoenix to his bus stop. Or that he wants her to take him to the store and buy him a doughnut, another valid excuse.

But, honestly, I think he wants her to stay home all day with him and make me go to work during the days. Think about it. Who's more fun? Your mom or your grandmother? It's stupid that I even have to ask.

I make him eat cereal and only allow him two sippies of chochate noute, she lets him eat gummy bears and chips for breakfast. All he has to do to get what he wants with her is to make that tea kettle noise. I've heard it all day every day since he turned one so I'm more immune than she is.

If you've met Kale, you've heard that noise. So you know that it makes your eardrums vibrate and the sound waves travel to your spine making you cringe involuntarily. That sound could be sold as a weapon to the us government.

When he does it in public we get looked at like we're the worst parents in the world. It seriously sounds like we are breaking his little fingers off one by one, or torturing his puppy. So naturally people think we are monsters who enjoy the misery and agony of an innocent three year old.

How could we?

It's Halloween time now and Kale is, all of a sudden, terrified of the decorations that turn on for this particular holiday. He used to love everything to do with Halloween. His father lets him watch Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street and does it scare him? No.

He has Freddy Kruger and Pinhead masks that he plays with all year round and none of that bothers him.

But lord help us all if you try to take him to the Halloween section of any store. This year they have these little two foot dolls that rip their own heads off when you get too close. I, of course, thought he would be delighted by it. He crawled up into my arms faster than I thought was possible.

Now any time we go to any store I have to hold his hand and chant:

"We won't go to the Halloween section... they can't hurt you... I won't let them get you."

People at Albertson's and Walmart even know him and, if they can, will stand between him and the scary things. One very nice woman noticed how terrified he was and went over to the display, pulled down a doll and turned it off. She then poked it in the eye and twisted his arm to show Kale that it's just a toy.

He thought it was hilarious seeing his arch-nemesis beaten, but he still won't go anywhere near them.

If Amoo or I want anything Halloween we have to go in the middle of the night or she goes on her lunch break. All that sneaking around makes me feel almost dirty, like I should be ashamed of the black candles or the gummy eye balls I'm buying.

So sad.


Why is he a little monster from hell?

Well, if you've been paying attention to my words then you know why he's a monster. But why is he from hell? By his own admission.

How did that happen?


Amoo is making a bumble bee costume for the pea pod princess and yesterday she brought the wings home so we could try them out and plan what alterations need to be made. Kale was the only one small enough to try them on and while he modeled them for us started talking about how the wings were all wrong.

He says they're too girly and need feathers.

When I asked what kind of feathers he said black and red or black and green. He most certainly doesn't want white because "I'm no angel."

I then asked him, "Are you a demon?"

To which he replied, "Yes, I'm a demon from hell."

After I stopped laughing I tried to convince him that he's not from hell, but he would have none of it. He says he's a demon from hell and damn it, he means it.

Isn't he just the cutest damn thing you ever saw? I don't have the heart to tell him not to say hell because he's not cursing. He's using the word the way it should be used. Smart of him.

So maybe he will be a demon for Halloween, but I'm sure once we get to Target he will decide on Jin Jan Jones or a Clone Trooper or something like that.



Tobi said...

I love when Kale says Jin Jan Jones!! He does say the funniest stuff. I wish he still said Wat-in and pay-u.

By the way I made the font on your blog larger. Because bigger is better. Just like Texas.

Sarah said...

Kale and Justin are sooooooo similar. I don't think we should let them co-mingle, they may have to fight for dominance with a peeing contest, or who can lick the most unusual things!