Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

May 18, 2009

Dumb Ass WEEK!

Okay, so the mother ship has informed me that I cannot use the F-word on my blog. I informed her in the most mature way I know, by placing my fingers in the shape of a W and saying 'whatever!', that I am an adult and may use any language I wish. She then told me that she is still my mother, and as such, I will have to obey her wishes on this matter or she will sit on me. She also said, 'Sometimes might does make right.'
She makes a compelling argument, so I have edited the offensive word out of this weeks post. Damned woman and her evil plot to turn me into a good and moral person. Diabolical, that one.
This entire week was one big CF. (Cluster F**k)

I burned my finger with hot glue while helping a slightly impaired Amoo put the finishing touches on Cora's Princess P3 cape. Not just a little stinger but the kind that hurts like hell if you take it out of cold water for even a few seconds. I slept with the offending appendage in a bowl of ice, woke up in a puddle, (big shocker there) and thought I had peed the bed for the first time in like 25 years.

Dumb ass.
But it was so totally worth it. I mean the cuteness cannot be contained. We need sunglasses to view this piece of princess perfection.

I took my two kids to a school carnival on Friday and spoiled them with a whole lot of candy, games, and toys. I put sunblock on both of them but forgot to spray myself.
Dumb ass.
I now have a red tint to my forehead, nose and cheeks and a very pronounced line showing where my sunglasses were shielding my face. I think it looks hideous, but it at least shows that I had enough sense to save my eyes from the sun.
I did learn that everyone in that school knows and loves Phoenix and after the first five minutes they fell under Kale's I'm-being-so-cute spell. I swear he has learned the art of party manners to a master's degree. He lulls the unsuspecting strangers into thinking he's just the most innocent thing they've ever seen. Then when they least expect it... he pounces! Usually after he shows his true personality I find the previously mentioned stranger tied up with duct tape and roasting over a fire like the camp councilors in 'Adams Family Values.'
The kids had way too much fun and I was glad, I really was. But I was so very exhausted by the time it was over. Four hours in the sun + sugared up kids + one or two hundred strangers = one very strung out mama.

I was supposed to go to work on Saturday night but Xandra was over for the first time in like two months so I decided to stay home and go on Sunday. Big dumb ass move.
I'm getting to that.
Last night I went to work...
Have you noticed that a whole lot of my dumb ass stories start with the phrase: I went to work?
Work was fine. I got through my cleaning with no injuries or embarrassing moments. I should have known it was too good to be true. I was in the car on the way home, just two blocks away from my driveway when Amoo called.
She had that desperate tone in her voice when she asked how far I was from being done with the work and coming home. And she sounded like she was going to burst into tears and kiss my feet when I told her I was less than three minutes from home.
I asked why she was so relieved and she said that Phoenix had thrown up on everything. He threw up on the leather couch, the bathroom, the hallway carpet and walls, Amoo, and even Kale.
When I got home he was on the other couch sipping water and had a raging fever. He threw up three more times after Amoo retreated down the stairs, with her white flag flying, and each time was traumatic.
Phoenix kept arching his back and neck when he heaved but was also trying to breathe in. I was afraid he would aspirate and that I would have to give him the Heimlich maneuver or CPR so I forced his head down into the designated vomit receptacle. He, of course, thought I was trying to kill him and as soon as he got a breath started screaming that I was hurting him and to let him breathe.
I'm rather surprised that child protection services didn't show up at my door last night or today.
Even Amoo woke up out of her deep drugidoodidy to ask if I was killing him. I got to spend the night and most of today scrubbing the house with bleach. I think I ruined the leather couch but the death of all that bacteria is sooooo worth it, true? I scrubbed so long that my muscles ache.
It was fun. No really, I can't wait to do it again.
And on that note...
Kale has a fever.
Yay me!


While I was spell checking this post Kale came to me for loving after he hurt himself running through the house. While being hugged and getting his back rubbed he says to me, "Britt, I'm sorry I buried your ring at the big park and can't find it anymore."

I asked him what ring he buried and it turns out it was the one with the tribal type symbols on it. I've been looking and wondering what happened to that thing for months.

Life is never boring with these two.


Mammallama said...

You need to put that swear word (CF) into your mouth with a bowl of that clorox and gargle. You forgot to tell everyone we have clamiherpisiphillaids.

Tobi said...

I love the Princess Cape. It is too cute for words. She is going to go gaa-gaa for it.