Things You Thought You Would NEVER Say...

Kale! If you eat another of your shirts I'm going to make you go without clothing.

May 22, 2009

For A Change, Dumb Ass.

I'm on time for a change! What miracle be this?

I forgot something in last weeks CF, so I figured I would start with the doozy Kale layed on me.

Phoenix and Kale were chasing each other through the basement, big shocker right?

I was searching Amoo's DVD collection for a movie, which is no easy task. I'm sorry to fall off subject but I hate that she never, never, NEVER, puts the discs back in the correct case! I go to put back Twilight and in the case I find the Lord Of The Rings, I go to put that one back and I find Serenity! And it never ends! By the time I get to the point where all the movies are in the correct cases I will have forgotten what the hell I was looking for in the first place. It's rubbing off on the kids too!

Sorry for the brief rant but it's just one of those things that bugs the crap, (see woman I didn't swear,) out of me.


Phoenix chased Kale up the stairs and a few seconds later he let out the 'Come Mommy' howl. You know the one that says, "Something is TERRIBLY wrong, so come quick!" I shot up the stairs like a bolt of lightning, thinking that someone was hurt, into complete bedlam. I was literally struck dumb for a few seconds by what I was seeing.

For some reason, which is only clear to a four year old, Kale grabbed a half full gallon of white paint on his way up the stairs and bashed it open on the back porch. Then he smeared it all around with his hands while running through it like a chicken with it's head cut off. When I found my voice I asked him why he had the paint in the first place and he said, I kid you not, these were his exact words, "I didn't do anything! Phoenix is trying to blame it all on me!"

The fact that he was covered in paint and his brother had not a drop on him must not have factored into his equation. I was so mad and screamed at him like a shrew for a few minutes. I hosed him and the porch down then put him in the bath.

My camera was lost last week so I didn't get pictures at the time, but the latex paint will probably never come off unless we use a sand blaster.

So Wednesday night I got home from work, walked into my room and found a baby bird in the middle of my floor. I thought it was dead until I went to pick it up, to take it to the trash outside, and it opened it's mouth. The poor thing was bloody and couldn't move at all. I could tell it's neck was broken and it was just suffering so I did something I hate my cats for, I put it out of it's misery.

This was not a regular little bird. It was as long as my hand, had very long legs and a long, pointy beak. I washed my hands and went to bed, which means I read for about two hours while waiting to get drowsy enough to achieve the coveted sleep. I think it was about 1 am when I finally drifted off.

At 3:14 am I heard a sound like a car alarm go off in my room. I shot out of bed, startled out of a dead sleep to find Memnock dropping another baby bird in my bed at my feat. It was the same kind of bird only this one wasn't mutilated yet, just squawking loudly in it's terror.

I shooed the cat away and put the poor baby in a box with an old flannel sheet to keep it warm. I had to lock it in the bathroom because the cats wanted their bird back. I mean they really wanted it back, like a lot. Both Memnock and River stood at the door all night meowing and trying to get their paws under the door.

I couldn't sleep at first because I had to wait for the adrenalin to wear off, then I couldn't sleep because of the racket my cats were making. I think I got about an hour of sleep before Amoo woke me up to take Phoenix to school.

As soon as I was up I called animal control. They assured me they would be at my house within half an hour so I decided to just wait for them and drive Phoenix to school. After waiting two hours, half of that time spent waiting on hold with animal control, I find out that the operator who took my call at 7 am got EVERYTHING wrong.

He got one number in my address wrong, so they showed up at my neighbor's house and in the report it said I owned a bird who had brought in an injured cat.

Am I the only one that doesn't make sense to?

While I was on the phone with another operator the animal control officer showed up across the street to look for the injured cat again. I got his attention and brought out the bird. I tried to explain that I was the one who had called him and the operator had given him the wrong information, but he seemed to think I was wrong because he had seen an injured white cat slinking around another house.

What are the odds?

He told me he thought it was a baby Woodpecker before he stashed it in his truck. When I got back into the house I found the reason why the cats felt the need to bother me all night long. I forgot to give them a can of wet food before I left for work and when I got home I was so traumatized by the baby bird that I forgot again.

Lesson Learned: Don't screw with the cat's gravy.

I took pictures of the first bird so I could look it up on the Internet and find out what kind it was. I didn't have more than one brain cell functioning at 3 am so I forgot to take a picture of the healthy one.

Phoenix drew the two birds.

Wouldn't you think my story was over by now? If only.

After the bird was in the right hands I left to drive Phoenix to school, late. When we were about halfway there traffic came to a dead stop on Colorado Blvd. They were doing construction on the road and had all the lanes funneled down to one lane on the left. I turned right down a side street to avoid the CF of idiots trying to merge and the other idiots trying to keep them from merging in front of them.

About two blocks after I turned off the main road I came to a huge crash caused by people, high on coffee, trying to drive and think at the same time. There were only two lanes but both were blocked by the mess. I tried going down another street but it ended in a sign that said it was closed for construction.

I got lost trying to get the hell out of there and after about 15 minutes found my way back onto Colorado Blvd right before traffic merged into one lane. No one had moved much, all the same cars were still waiting in line.

I gave up. It just wasn't meant to be. I turned around and went back home.

Isn't that enough drama for one day? You'd think so, but nooooooooo.

On the way home I traded cars with Amoo because she wanted me to put some gas in Josh's car. When I got home James was in the back yard cutting the grass and Kale was riding his bike. I got to the back door and realized I had given my keys to Amoo and had Josh's keys, none of which would unlock the house. I had to lift Phoenix up on my shoulders, (by the way, he weighs 79 pounds,) so he could crawl into my bedroom window and unlock the door from the inside.

Of course, he didn't feel very secure sitting so high and kicked me in the face a couple of times in front of a laughing James while Kale ran around us yelling that he wanted to go through the window too. It was crazy weird and wow... I very much hope that I won't have to do it again.

Phoenix enjoyed a free day off of school and I slept for like three hours on the couch while he and his brother played video games and listened to I'm Blue a thousand times on You Tube.

It's just too much for one woman to bear in one day! But hey, it makes me VERY grateful for the days when life is a little smoother.




Mammallama said...

I think both birds died. Personally I think this qualifies as another dumb week. At least you are not stuck at work with 52 dumb assed men.

Tobi said...

Whoa the bird drama just keeps getting worse at your house. Your cats are lethal. Make sure you never get birds for Phoenix and Kale. They'll just end up as a tasty snack for the kitties.

Also I'm very happy you found your camera!!

bdmom said...

Man, you guys are on it! I just posted this thing and it already has comments. Go you!

Sarah said...

did we really need dead bird corpse pix?
Just thought I'd let you know, we finally made it out of michael's with $19 dollars worth of plastic beads!Oh, and some shell ones too. I made a bracelet, it's very luau-ish. See you in 12 days!
Oh hey, wait a sec, don't hate on my coffee drinking peoples! How are we supposed to have a brain UNTIL we drink the COFFEE?! See? Do you see the viscious circle I have to endure?!