Just Like Any Other Day...

I have almost reached the end of this day.

It happens to be Phoenix's birthday and I never thought I would want said day to end as much as I do now.

Why, you ask?

Weeeeeeeelllllll,

(get comfy, this isn't gonna be brief.)

Yesterday Amoo and I gathered at walmart to shop for Phoenix's birthday. We got a bunch of treats and little party favors to hand out to everyone in his class at school. The teacher begged me not to bring any form of cake so we got rice crispy treats. (the teacher thanked me later.)

We got him a prepaid phone for the biggest part of his present. We also got him a card with minutes for his phone, a t-shirt that said, "Vampires ate my homework" and Iron Man 2.

We got Kale the same shirt to soften the blow that Phoenix would be getting presents and he wouldn't. I worked all day yesterday and was busy afterward so I didn't get to the activation of his phone until today around 12:30.

After talking to several people from the company that manages the service for the phone I was ready to rip out my eyeballs and beat them over the head with the bloody stalks.

Ever seen the first Transformers movie?

There's a part where the army guys are in a foreign country fighting the decepticon" Scorpion" and they are trying to get a call through to the pentagon. They have to buy the phone call with a credit card and the soldier is trying to tell the operator that he's a little busy with the trying to stay alive business. The operator says, while picking his nose, "Sir, the attitude will not speed things up, not one little bit."

This is what my time on the phone with these people was like.

I kept reading the numbers to the lady and she would read them back to me, but they were always the wrong numbers.

For example: I would say, 639 and she would say, "See, tree, fie?"

I would say no and repeat the numbers but she would still repeat the wrong ones back to me. It went back and forth like that for a while until she transferred me to another operator who had an even thicker accent that I had an even harder time understanding.

After three transfers and four different operators it was determined that the phone we bought wasn't properly scanned by the cashier at walmart and, therefore, not eligible to be activated. It's how they keep people from stealing the phones and activating them.

I had to go to Phoenix's school at a certain time to hand out the treats so I didn't have his present wrapped and ready after school as we had originally planned. So I had to drop the boys off at home with Amoo and run to walmart to exchange the phone.

Amoo was waiting with Phoenix and Kale at home, and they knew I was bringing presents so I tried to hurry. Hurrying was not in the plan.

They're doing construction on 56th ave and the flaggers had all of traffic stopped for quite a long time to let all the construction vehicles leave the area.

I suppose it was a good thing. I wrapped Phoenix's present and put a bow on it while I waited. Yes, I actually had wrapping paper, tape, scissors, and ribbon with me in the car. If you know me then you know I have a slight obsession with wrapping gifts. But I have to say this was a first for me. How many people can say they wrapped a gift while in traffic and in the drivers seat?
I was running at warp speed all day and realized as I was driving home that I had forgotten to make anything for dinner. It being Phoenix's birthday this would obviously not do.
I stopped at McDonald's and picked up 50 chicken nuggets and two happy meal toys.
I was the hero for the day. Kale and Phoenix LOVE McDonald's and that, coupled with the presents for both boys made me look like the coolest person on the planet.
We had a cake, strawberry short cake (his favorite) and some ice cream, but we never got around to it because as soon as we were done eating Amoo had another surprise for Phoenix.
He turned 8 today and is now old enough to join the cub scouts at Amoo's church.
I was sceptical. I hear the word scout and I automatically think "club of dorks", but he really had fun. I love that he can hang out once a week with boys his own age and learn new, and potentially useful things.
The part I love the most about it is that he can get some kind of male guidance that his fatherless household cannot provide. He needs testosterone in his environment and this is a very good way to get it. Plus, I don't have to worry that the kids he's hanging out with will try to sell him drugs or teach him all about gang initiation.
It was another boy's birthday as well and everyone got cake at the end of the meeting. One lady in Amoo's ward even made a cake for Phoenix. I was touched.
Before the end of the meeting the kids got together in the gym to play some dodge ball. This is another thing I like about the scouts. Phoenix really needs physical exercise.
Unfortunately, Kale was very excited and wouldn't stop running around. He wasn't interfering with the game much. The problem was he has asthma and for some dumb ass reason, I took his inhaler out of the glove box in the car.
When they were done with the game the scouts went back into the relief society room to finish their meeting while I tried to get Kale to slow down his breathing. Kale is only 5 and is new to this asthma thing, so when he coughs he uses his voice and it sounds like he's screaming.
You have to hear it to really get the idea.
I had lost sight of Amoo and was looking all over the church for her and pulling along a child who was coughing so loud I'm sure everyone in the church, no neighborhood, heard it and wondered who was dying.
After exhausting all other options I tried sneaking a peak into the scout meeting. As soon as I opened the door Kale started scream-coughing non-stop. I apologized and snuck in to tell Amoo that I had to run home to get Kale's inhaler and that I would be back as soon as I possibly could.
There are two doors in the relief society room. I came in one door and left through the other so I could avoid walking through the scout master who was reciting some kind of speech when I barged in. Kale, who had stayed by the door, lost sight of me when I exited the room and freaked the fluck out.
He slammed the door as he ran into the hallway and yelled, "BRITT?! WHERE ARE YOU?"
Seriously, when have I ever left him alone or without telling him where I'm going? I tell this child when I'm taking a shower so he doesn't freak out about it and he still thinks I'm gonna disappear.
So yeah... If you're ever having an evening where you haven't been publicly embarrassed just invite my youngest son. He'll fix that right up for you.
By the time we got back to the church the meeting had ended and Amoo and Phoenix were waiting for us. Luckily we weren't the last ones to leave so I didn't feel too bad about deserting them.
It was 15 minutes till bedtime when we got home so I hurried the boys through a bath and shuffled them off to bed.
I am now soooooo happy that this day is over.
I love that Phoenix had a wonderful birthday but it sure took a lot of trouble to produce.
I'm gonna go to sleep now.
LaterBD
OH MY GOLLY GOSH!
When I finished this post I clicked the wrong button and didn't post it.
Sorry, this was supposed to post yesterday, on Phoenix's birthday. Now it's a day late.
I'm hearing that jackass noise in the back of my head.

They Didn't Light Anything On Fire

Today was a weird day.

I walked Phoenix and Kale to school, just like normal. I left them outside in the lines with their teachers, just like normal. And I walked home, just like normal.

When I got home I cozied up with a good book, Eclipse. (Yes, it's like my 10th time reading it, but it never gets old to me.)

After a couple pages I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was just John in the hallway but it wasn't. I looked over and Phoenix and Kale walked into my room.

My first thought was, "Who in the hell walked you guys home?"

After a couple questions the story came out. Pretty much as soon as I turned my back Kale found his brother, latched onto him and wouldn't let go. He was screaming and crying and he refused to go into the school. Phoenix was confused and didn't know what he was supposed to do, so he walked back home to get me.

I yelled at Kale and told him he was grounded off video games for a day, a fate worse than death.

I walked them back to school. While we were walking I told Phoenix that if this ever happened again to GO FIND A FREAKIN' TEACHER. To NEVER leave the school without myself or Amoo and to never, never, ever walk home alone again.

We live in East Denver Gang-land for cryin' out loud! (I think I aged about ten years today.)

I told Kale that if he ever did this again I would take all the video games, and the systems that they plug into, and sell them. He promised he would never do it again and pretty much cried the whole way back to school. I explained what had happened to the teachers and they promised to keep an eye on Kale to keep this from happening again.

I suppose this was bound to happen sooner or later. I was the world's worst child and I can expect no less from my little demons.

Amoo said something that both comforted and filled me with dread at the same time, "At least they didn't light anything on fire."

Later - BD

Watch your kids in the bathroom.

Yesterday I was rushing through the house, making sure we would all be ready for back to school night @ 4pm, when I heard Kale crying. I found him in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. He said it was hurting when he tried pushing. This is not a new phenomenon. Kale has had constipation often and we're just used to it.
I told him there was nothing he could do but push it out. While saying this I noticed he was coated from the top of his head to his belly button in Gorilla Snot, a kind of super-hold hair jell, and that he'd taken John's shaving cream and used it like silly string on the floor all around him.
The next time Kale tried pushing he started screaming.
My mommy senses, you know... the one that says, "Help The Baby NOW!" went off and I took a look at what was doing between Kale's legs.
I will not describe what I saw. If you want to see what it looked like look up "rectal prolapse" on WEB MD or Google it.
I have never been so terrified in my life. To see what I saw and not be panicked is impossible. I thought at least he would need surgery and at worse he was dying from some kind of internal disease. I did the only thing I could think of. I pushed it back in. Later the doctors said it was the right thing to do, but now I think it was stupid and reckless and I had no business trying to fix a human.
Amoo came home from work as quickly as she could drive, legally. While she drove I bathed Kale to get all the gorilla snot off of him, and it seemed to calm him down. By the time we got to Children's Hospital he behaved as if it had never happened.
While we waited I let him take pictures of the lobby with my camera and they turned out rather good for a five year old.
When we finally got back to a room the doctor did a quick visual to make sure nothing was hanging out. He couldn't see anything wrong so they brought in the supervising doctor and a picture of what I had described. The picture was exactly what it looked like.
They said Kale had experienced something called Rectal Prolapse. Many, many things can cause it. It's most common in small children and the elderly who have problems digesting or live in third world countries and are malnourished.
Sometimes it can happen in healthy children if they just spend too much time on the toilet pushing way too hard.
They still had to do an internal exam to make sure everything was in the correct place. I cannot express the horror and panic I felt as they performed this odious, however necessary, procedure. Kale screamed and bit and kicked the whole time. It took four people besides me to hold him still so they didn't accidentally hurt him.
Afterward they gave him a juice box and a Popsicle.
Personally, I think he earned himself a new video game or a lump sum of cash, but I guess that was all they had on hand.
They said everything was fine and that it should never happen again, but that if it does I need to rush him to the E.R. as quickly as possible. Because if it happens again that means there's some kind of structural deformity that will most likely require surgery to fix.
We went home with some laxatives, a rubber glove balloon, and a very, very, VERY, unhappy child.
Today was his first day of school, which he got to experience while taking laxatives. Yay!
Maybe I'll tell that one another time.
LaterBD