It really is BIGGER in Texas

The latest drama, well besides the family reunion with seven grand children under my roof and all the chaos that naturally comes with such a gathering, is that I (Britt, the one who never goes anywhere,) am in Texas. Friday the 3rd was the day Tobi was going to leave our house and return from whence she came. But when she woke up she had a problem. Her neck was cramping and she couldn't turn it very much. Everyone who has a brain cell knows that you have to turn your head while driving so she didn't know what to do. She wanted to go home and be with her hubby but she couldn't drive. I hadn't even heard about the drama when I went into the kitchen and told Tobi that we should just leave Mom with my kids so I could escape with her to Texas. Tobi shocked me to my toes when she said, seriously, "Go pack a bag." After much wimbbling on Tobi's part she decided I really was driving her and we set about getting me a plane ticket home and packing the car. I also had to take Kale to Sparky's house because Mom can't get him a babysitter for Monday and Tuesday. Dakota can watch Phoenix but we still don't trust him with Kale, also known in our household as the destroyer and lover of all things fire.
I have to admit, I am such a dork. I had so much fun doing noting more than keeping the car between the white lines for nearly twelve hours. Tobi obviously hates road trips, maybe because she had two kids in the back who wanted to get the heck out of their car seats and run around. Most people would hate being stuck in a car for that long but I had fun, probably because I had no children in the backseat trying to kill each other for looking out the others window. There were no arguments between Cora and Alec about, "he's breathing on me," or "she looked at me with a mean face." That is pretty much how all the fighting in the back of my car at home starts. Kale has territory issues and Phoenix loves baiting him. (Sometimes I do it too. It's just too funny watching him get angry over something so small like, looking at his favorite toy.)
Kansas wasn't the most stimulating place to drive through, but the tornado's and fierce storms kept me on my toes. I noticed, after Tobi told me to look for them, that there are quite a few anti- abortion billboards in Kansas, and also the inexplicable Jesus sign saying he believes in you and other such inspiring phrases.
When we stopped for dinner we fed the kids McDonald's, but Tobi wanted to go to Braums, a place I had never heard of but she said had the best burgers on the planet. We woke up Joel to get directions and set off in the rain to the place. When we got there we placed our orders and got our drinks and some ice cream for the kids. While I was filling my cup with root beer the lady who took our order told us that the tornado sirens were going off and the funnel cloud was only about five minutes away from our location so could we please follow her into the 'milk room?' I followed the woman through the area where they prepare food into what can only be described as a huge freezer. Cora and Alec were dressed for mid summer, naturally, and their lips turned blue almost instantly. The kind woman who escorted us to the freezer retrieved two coats for the kids to wrap up in. I have to admit, it was the funnest thing that happened all day. Tobi and I were laughing at our luck and we took many pictures of the milk room because no one would have believed us without proof. When the sirens fell silent we went back out and had to wait a few minutes for them to make our dinner, but hot damn, it was worth it. The fries were the very best I've ever had in my life and the burger, while not the best was pretty damned close. It was so freaking good and made all the better by the very nice people who served us. I would go back to that place just for the people even if their food wasn't divine. After stuffing my face to full capacity we went to the restrooms and set of again. We drove for a few more hours until we got to Wichita where we started looking for a motel. It was difficult and I got lost more than once trying to get into the stupid parking lot. When we finally made it to our room we pretty much just fell into bed. Tobi said she woke up in the middle of the night just a little too close to me and had to scoot back over so we weren't spooning. Weird experience. Tobi felt like driving the next morning and that's pretty much all we did the whole day. I wasn't as entertained sitting in the passenger seat so I plucked my eyebrows, played in Tobi's makeup, drew a picture, made wannabee hieroglyphics on the paper from a fruit by the foot snack. I listened to my music player and got the kids everything they wanted, movies, snacks and drinks. In Oklahoma City we stopped for gas and bathroom at the worst gas station in the whole world. I am so not joking. The bathroom was scary and I had to hug Cora while she used it so she felt safe enough to go potty. I took pictures so my readers would understand how horrifying it was, though I think the camera failed to capture the many flies in the small space. GROSS! When we got to Waco Tobi decided to let me drive, for which I was grateful. I didn't want to tell her but I was kind of bored sitting in the passenger seat. We were about an hour away from her house when I got pulled over. I was sure I hadn't been speeding because I had the cruise control on. But I still was panicked that they were going to give me a ticket. After a quiet fight between Tobi and I about how to unlock the window on her side so we could speak to the cop we handed over my driver's license and her insurance information. He said he had pulled me over because I failed to move into the left lane while an emergency vehicle was on the right shoulder. I had seen signs in Kansas and Oklahoma saying to do that but none in Texas, but there was no way I would have pointed that out to the cop. I apologized profusely and he let us go with a warning. Not twenty minutes later we saw a lighted billboard saying to move over into the left lane for emergency vehicles. Go figure. When we got to Tobi's house the kids ran around almost non-stop for an hour. Joel made us teriaki beef and rice on the grill. I have to say that the first bite was awful, way too salty, but damn, that flavor tasted better each bite I took. I even went back for seconds and ate some leftovers the next day. It was very good, but you had to give it more than one try.
Yesterday Tobi took me to Ikea, the most wonderful place to go shopping. They even have cinnamon rolls that can compare to Amoo's, they're not as good, mind you, but they are pretty close. I had no idea that you could buy a couch for $200.00, and not a POS, a really good one. I loved that place and wish we didn't have to leave. Then they took me to the very best part of the whole visit to Texas. We went to Rudy's. It was just a gas station that also served Bar-b-q. They serve your food in waxed paper and give you like a half a loaf of bread to eat with it. Your plates a thicker waxed paper. I thought it was so weird until I tasted the meat. Holly Hannah, talk about instant orgasm in your mouth! It was moist and seasoned perfectly and I was so full and happy when we were done eating. Who would have thought that a little meat on a plain old piece of bread could taste so very good? It totally took me by surprise. While typing this I've been eating cold leftovers from that place on a tortilla and it's just as good cold. Can they get nothing wrong?
Anyway, I'm leaving today and I'm sure I will have more stories to tell about my flight. I haven't been on a plane since I was ten. Who knows what's gonna happen.
I can't get the computer to reposition my pictures so they're just going to have to stay where they are.
Later
BD

Mr. Fix-it-and-I'll-kill-you.

Living in a house hold with no adult men has taught me that sometimes you just need a knowledgeable man to fix certain things.
It has also taught me that none of my male relatives living in Colorado should be the ones you call for the fixing.
Our ice machine wasn't making ice anymore so we shut off the water valve under the sink and bought our own ice. Josh came over one day and said he 'fixed it.' Two days later the leaking water had seeped down through the floor to the laundry room. After much tinkering I got it to shut off again. He had unscrewed the valve so far that the threads of the thing couldn't catch to tighten anymore.
Our computer had windows vista.
I hated it. Our computer was slow as hell and certain programs wouldn't work, depending on the user. Sounds weird right? It's true.
For example: Amoo couldn't get Internet explorer to work on her profile, but it worked for everyone else. We had a guest profile for the kids and the parental controls wouldn't let them view anything on the Internet, no matter how much I fiddled with the settings. We had to create a completely new profile for them. MP3 rocket wouldn't connect on my profile, but it worked for everyone else.
It was a pain in the ass, but we worked around it to the best of our abilities.
Robert came over last Saturday and was 'fixing' the computer for like four hours. I've never really gotten along with the man so I spent the whole day avoiding him. For some reason, which only makes sense to him, he deleted EVERYTHING off our computer, even windows vista and installed some version of windows XP. Amoo says she saved everything on some file somewhere, but I really can't find it.
It's like buying a new computer. I've spent the last couple days searching for Phoenix and Kale's websites to put them on favorites, which is the only way they know how to use the Internet. Today is the first time I've used the computer for myself since 'the great cleaning of the slate' and I am less than amused. Half the websites I use constantly tell me I have an outdated version of Internet explorer and need to download a newer version. When I try doing that it sits there for 45 minutes doing NOTHING, until I have to shut it all down with Ctrl, Alt, Delete.
Makes me miss the windows vista drama. It was screwed up, yes. But at least I could work around the crap. I knew what worked and what didn't.
Like a crappy car. Yes you have to use the janky light switch to turn on the heater, but at least I know where the hell the switch is!
Amoo has requested that I stop bitching about the computer. And now that I've gotten it all out, I'm done.
So there! Neener, neener, neener!
Later
BD

I'm still alive... dumb ass.

Dakota has been visiting lately and only just left which is why I've been neglecting my bloggish duties.
Every five minutes while he was here he was doing one of the following:
1. Eating something. In which case I have to tell him to get the hell out of the kitchen, monitor his portions so he doesn't eat half a gallon of ice cream in one sitting, or instruct him on the correct way to prepare his 'snack' so he doesn't burn down the kitchen.
2. Building a fort. When he does this he moves every piece of furniture in the room and uses every blanket and pillow in the house, which he drags all over the floor before putting them back on our beds. Once he stuck push pins in Phoenix's mattress and left them there for us to find. Little surprises.
3. Yelling at or beating on Phoenix and Kale in 'self defense.' Sure Kale bites but a 12 year old should be able to retreat safely from a 6 and 4 year old without hurting them. Ya think?
Anyway, it's been crazy. Like super crazy. I've been self medicating with large quantities of chocolate and books to keep myself from murdering him in his sleep.
Did I say that out loud? I meant I love him to death. Literally.
Right now I'm covered in mosquito bites and I am sooooooooo not exaggerating.
I have thirteen on my left side, apparently that's the juiciest meat, and I have four on the right. And those are just the parts of my body that I can see. I'm going to start burning citronella candles in my bedroom because I haven't been outside much at all. It's been raining and hailing of and on for seven days and I'm not much of an outdoor person anyway.
I swear! There's some kind if newsletter circulating in the insect kingdom that has me on the top ten list of tasty human meals.
The other day I went to get groceries with Kale. He went to the bathroom before we left but, of course, had to go poop in the middle of the shopping. And wouldn't my luck have it, they were cleaning the ladies room and had it blocked off. I had to take him into the men's room and keep my eyes on the ceiling so I wouldn't see anyone at the urinals. I'm surprised I wasn't arrested or something. There were a couple kids in there who thought they were in the wrong bathroom and one very unhappy man who looked like a black Arnold Swartzeneger. (I have no idea if I spelled that right, and I sort of don't care.)
Today I made baby back ribs for Amoo. I cooked those puppies for three hours at 300 F. then finished them on the grill to add that carbon monoxide flavor, good eatin'.
When it was time to get them off it started hailing. After spending almost four hours on the dish I wasn't about to abandon them simply to avoid getting wet. So, in one of my brightest moments, I braved the severe weather to save the ribs.
I have to say... WOW! I never knew how much it hurt to get hailed on. It felt like little bee stings, one right after another. I even caught one in the eye, little stinger. It was fun, no really. I can't wait to try it again.
Dumb Ass.
I never understood how much my mother suffered when we were teenagers, now I know.
Xandra's not even a teenager yet and I'm ready to kill her. She walks around the house holding her boobs, complaining that her 'little peaches' hurt because they're growing. She 'fell' down yesterday and I had to go searching the stores for an ace bandage because of her 'injured ankle.' The same ankle she was jumping and dancing on five minutes before I left to get the bandage. She thinks anything bought from any store not in the mall is sub-par and just 'wouldn't be caught dead' in it. I used to beat up people who acted like that in high school.
So Mom, I am so, so, so sorry for you having to endure not one, not two, but three teenage girls all at the same time. There are no words to express my sympathy for such a plight. It should be outlawed for a woman to have to go through such hell. I know now that I wasn't given girls because whoever is in charge of the universe knew I would end up killing them the first time they told me I was 'so stupid for wearing that!'
Woman, I am sorry.
It does help if I remember one thing. When all this started Amoo told me that teenage girls NEVER make sense. They are not rational. They will never be. If they are making sense, they are probably sick or have PMS.
P.S.
I hate you Sarah. Today Xandra told me she thinks her butt is too big. And could I take a look at it and give her my opinion?
Curse you and your female spawning loins.
P.P.S.
Kale just ran up to me buck naked with his 'tenders' swinging in the breeze. When I asked him why he was naked he said, "I HAVE TO GO POOP!"
Well duh!
That explains everything, now doesn't it?
Later
BD