Dumb Ass...Friday. Yes, I know it's Saturday. So what?

A few days ago I got maybe an hour sleep and had a busy day so didn't get a nap in. That night I took two Dramamine so I could get sleep. Normally I go to sleep around 11 pm - midnight but that stuff kicked in very quickly and as soon as I got my boys' teeth brushed and tucked them into their beds ,at 8 pm, I passed out. I even forgot to turn off my light. At four thirty the next morning I popped out of bed like a toaster strudel and couldn't go back to sleep. Go figure.
So I took a shower and shaved all the way up my legs, ooh, I'm a sexy bitch. Then I plucked my shaggy eyebrows and painted my finger and toenails. After braiding my hair I still found myself with an hour of time to kill before anyone in the house woke up. So for the first time in at least two, maybe even three months I put on make up.
Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuunnnnn!!!
It's been a while so it took me forever to get my eyeliner strait, but eventually I got my eyes done. If you don't already know I only wear eye makeup. My lips are too thin for lipstick and I can't stand wearing base or powder on my face. I skeeves me out.
Mom almost fell over dead when she saw me.
Anyway, at the end of the day my eyes felt like they were on fire. Maybe my makeup is too old or maybe I just used too much eyeshadow and it fell into my eyes, but it hurt. I washed it off and looked at my face.
I nearly died laughing. It looked like I had two bruised eyes and the whites of my eyes were all red from the irritation.
Looked like a crack whore who was bitch slapped by her pimp for not earning enough in one night.
Good times dumb ass.

I went to Albertsons to get some groceries for Mom's mother's day breakfast. I don't know where I left my brain but it surely wasn't on me when I decided to let Phoenix have control of the shopping cart. Kale was pissed that we were at the store and not at home playing Lego Batman so he sat in the basket, placed his head on his arms and went to sleep.
Phoenix knocked over a display of Sobe drinks, big shocker there. There were two other shoppers who took pity on me and helped me put the bottles, thankfully they were plastic, back into place. They told me that this was how they learned not to let their own kids drive the cart.
So the whole time I'm picking the stuff up, and planning my son's murder, Phoenix was saying, "Man Kale why did you do that?" I told him Kale was asleep and that it was his fault but he just pointed at his slumbering brother and said he kicked it while pretending to sleep.
That's his story and he's sticking to it. It doesn't matter that I saw it happen, he says I'm wrong, damn it, wrong. I wasn't mad at him, just very embarrassed, until he was throwing a fit in the canned foods aisle and knocked over a bunch of cans of peas. I made him put every single one back with every label facing forward.
When we got home Phoenix was pissed that I was mean to him at the store so he took the bag with eggs and a pie shell in it and threw it across the kitchen. The only reason he is still alive is because he is extremely lucky. None of the eggs or the pie shell was broken. Maybe he's Irish on his dad's side.
I love going out with my boys. No really.

On Monday Phoenix woke up with a fever of 102.5 so I kept him home. Tuesday and Wednesday he had a fever as well and the school said he couldn't come back to school until 24 hours after he stopped showing symptoms. Every day I called the school to tell them he wouldn't be there they asked me what his symptoms were because of the flu going around. On Wednesday the lady asked if I was taking him to the doctor and I told her the earliest appointment I could get was on Friday so he wouldn't be in until at least Monday.
I'm not sure what she said to the school nurse but it must have been drastic because later that day I got a call from Phoenix's clinic. The nurse asked me if I was aware that the nurse from Knight Academy was calling them and trying to get privileged information about my son. I made sure that she wasn't told anything then I called the school. The school secretary sounded shocked when I told her what my clinic had told me and immediately connected me to the nurse.
I tried my hardest to be polite as possible while smoke poured out of my ears and flames shot out of my eyes. She said that her district supervisor told her to do it and that she was only following orders.
I asked her if she really was a nurse.
She said yes, she was.
I then asked her if she really was a nurse why she didn't seem to know what HIPPA was and why she thought she could get any information on my son without my written consent or a court order.
She didn't really answer that one.
I told her not to do that again and as soon as I got an answer from the doctor I would call them.
It turned out Phoenix had a cold. But even if he did have the swine flu the doctor wouldn't have treated him for it. Because it's no more life threatening than the regular flu.
Dumb ass freaking school nurse.
Later
BD

Dumb Ass Friday. Yes, on time.

Wednesday I got home from work and my world was spinning like I had spent the last several hours buried face first in a bottle of vodka. I don't know what brought it on but I couldn't stand to lie down. I tried taking a shower in an attempt to sooth my brain back to a standstill. I didn't really get anything accomplished besides slipping a few times, and who knew you could drop a bar of soap on your foot in just the right way to make it really hurt? I guess I'm that talented. Maybe next week I'll find out how to strangle myself with a Kielbasa.

Today I went to the store with my two boys, (demons) I mean angels, of course. Yeah... that's what I meant.

They rode the Penny Pony six times each and Phoenix managed to follow the cord from the bottom of the pony to an outlet behind a red box and nearly electrocuted himself while trying to unplug it in an attempt to thwart Kale's turn to ride. Where was I? Trying to convince Kale that standing up on the saddle while the thing is moving is NOT a good idea.

"But why can't I? I will look so cool!"

After assuring the good people working there that he was alright I hung my head in shame and marched us all out to the car.

It was locked and the keys were still inside. Why you ask?

Phoenix and Kale wanted to listen the rest of the song playing on the CD player while I got out and made sure I had everything I needed for the store. (When you have kids like mine you learn that anything and everything can disappear from your purse at any given time. So I have learned to check for my money and ID before I get to the checkout and make an ass of myself.)

In Kung Fu Panda master 'Whatever his name is' the turtle, tells master Shi Fu that 'We often open the path to our destiny by trying to avoid it.' Well it was something like that.

Phoenix and Kale finished listening to their song and got out of the car. I asked my eldest if he had the keys and like a good little monster he said yes, even though they were still in the ignition.

I know, I know! Dumb Ass! At least I didn't leave the damn thing running.

When we got out to the car I had to call Amoo and have her drive to the store, luckily we were less than a mile from her work, and bring me the spare keys.

I just finished watching a movie called Marley and Me. While it doesn't have much to do with me being a dumb ass it does tie into my stories for my Friday blog.

It's not really about a dog. If you have kids and a family you know it's about what real life is like. About the choices we make and even when what you choose sucks and it feels too hard, it is still your life. And when you look back on everything that is your life would you change any of it? Even the bad times?

So, yes life is hard. Yes, I am a single mother who struggles every day just to survive to the next one. Yes, my children are little terrorists in training and my house is a constant war zone complete with booby traps and a four year old's equivalent of land mines. (Those little toys hurt on the feet.) But if I could go back and change my decision to have my kids and raise them, would I?

Hell No!

Because how many people make you feel special and rare? How many times in your life will you feel like you are the most important person in the whole world? Every day when you kiss the boo boo on their toe or are thanked for making them their favorite dessert. When they wake you up way too early on a Saturday morning to give you kisses, complete with morning breath, that's when you know.

Your life will never be the same, and it can't get better than this.

P.S. I think I have PMS right now so don't expect any more mushy moments. I think I've met my quota for the year.

Later
BD

Dumb Ass... Monday?

Okay... I've been shirking my blogging duties. But that's totally normal for me. I love to procrastinate. I get a forbidden thrill when I put off my blog, like when I used to cut school or leave work early to go to a concert. I just get the feeling like I'm doing something wrong, and yet it feels so right.
So sad.

This first dumb ass moment is dedicated to the Denver Public School's Department of Transportation.
I hate my son's bus schedule. His school doesn't start until 9 am and classes end at 3:45 pm. His bus comes to pick him up at 7:30 am and if they are running on time they drop him off at 5 pm, fricking 5 pm!
Sometimes when the bus is running early they just drop Phoenix at the stop and drive off without checking to make sure he is with a parent. The first time it happened I called the route supervisor and as calmly as possible told him that I was VERY unhappy. He assured me that it would never happen again.
Last week, or maybe it was the week before, I forget, we had a day of rain followed by two days of snow. I got to Phoenix's school at 4:51 pm and he was standing there all alone, in the rain, and crying because he was scared.
I felt like the worst parent in the world and was choking on the wrath I felt toward the bus driver. When we got home I left an extremely nasty message on the supervisor's voice mail, because that late in the day their offices are closed, and spent the rest of the day pampering Phoenix to ease the trauma of the whole experience.
The supervisor spoke to me the next day and, once again, told me it would never happen again. Now I understand it wasn't his fault. It's not like he was driving the bus. So I was less angry with him. I explained that we don't live in the best of neighborhoods and if anything happened to my child after the bus left him there alone I would have ended up owning the department after the law suits were over.
I hope he can scare his employees enough to get them to stop dropping students off early, but I'm still going to show up as early as possible to the bus stop. I don't want to have to sue them because that would mean something bad happened to my son.
I just want him to be safe. Is that really too much to ask?
So to the D.P.S. D.O.T. I salute you as a Dumb Ass.

The other night I went to work and for once no one was there to hear my shrieking voice attempting to hold a tune.
I was walking down the stairs after mopping the floor in the upstairs office when I tripped over the mop. The following chaos was strait out of a Marks Brothers bit. Instead of letting the mop handle go I held on, for some reason, and it pulled me face first into the door jamb at the foot of the stairs. I smacked my forehead on the wall and scraped my shoulder on the jamb. The force I hit the door with caused me to rebound and I fell on the stairs with my back also hitting the back of my head on the edge of a step. The impact was so hard the wind was knocked out of me.
After I could breath again I started laughing hysterically. It was just too funny. I wasn't hurt very badly but I ended up having a headache for a day and the bumps on the front and back of my head have yet to disappear.
That move totally proves I'm a Dumb Ass.

Yesterday I was taking some watercolor pictures that the boys had painted and taping them into a composition book that I keep pictures and drawings in. I ran out of scotch tape so I had to use clear packing tape.
I don't know how it happened but I managed to tape my right hand to the painting. It was weird. I didn't want to damage the picture by pulling my hand out, that packing tape would have ripped it to shreds if I had tried to pull it off the paper. So I decided to use scissors with my left hand.
(BD + Sharp Things = Dumb Ass Moment)
At least I managed not to get any blood on the picture.
In the moment when I released my hand from the tape I jambed the tip of the scissors, Ginsu scissors no less, under the nail of my middle finger. The damn appendage lit off like a geyser. It actually squirted a little, but when I put pressure on it the bleeding slowed and eventually stopped.
Even my son, the soon to be Kindergartner, knows how to be careful with scissors. I worked at Subway for years and had to handle knives and razor sharp slicers all day long. One would think I would have learned how not to stab myself by now. Jeez, it's so sad.
Yes I am still a Dumb Ass.
Later
BD