The Monster's Mother

And you think you've had a wierd day?

2011-08-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

My day actually started yesterday.
My mom's dog Shimalfinne, (say it with me now SHIM-ALL-FINN-EE), has been loosing hair and we were afraid she had something really bad so I had to take her to the vet.
The thing you have to understand about Shimal is that when we got her she had wounds around her neck and ever since she's never, ever, NEVER been able to be on a collar or leash. So I had to corner her and lay on her to get the harness and leash on. The thing is, when you put that on her she goes into this defensive, almost catatonic state where she won't get up or move at all.
So I got to carry her up the stairs and to the car. Then from the car to the vet's office and from the waiting area to the scale. She weighs 69.7 pounds in case you were wondering. Turns out she has allergies. I didn't know dogs could get that. We're giving her the steroids and antibiotics the doctor prescribed and she's already scratching less.
Today I had to get the alignment on the car fixed so as soon as I dropped the kids off at school I went to Elroy's. Bobby, the owner, is Xandra's grandpa so I knew he would do it right without screwing us. He said I had to leave the car there until 3 pm so I decided to take the bus to downtown and go window shopping.
I had barely gone two blocks when people started asking me for cigarettes, food and money. I was polite when I told them no. The only money I had was for bus fare and to pay for the alignment. Then this one man asked me for a cigarette. I told him sorry, but I don't smoke. He didn't believe me so he started following me and talking me to death. He said he knew I had some smokes and it was rude of me not to share. After about the sixth time of telling him no he started yelling at me. He cursed and ranted and called me every foul word he knew. When he finally turned around to walk away from me he yelled, Why don't you go run home to your daddy you spoiled (B-word).
I wanted to yell at him that my father was dead, plus some choice insults and curses, but he was finally leaving and I didn't want to start him up again.
I got on a bus and rode it to the 16th street mall. I have to say that the beggars in downtown Denver are a lot nicer than the one's in Lakewood.
I wanted to go to Amoo's work and I had about 20 minutes until the bus came so I went to Starbucks and blew $6 on pumpkin bread and a caramel frappucino. I was having a crappy day and I felt I deserved a treat.
While eating I saw Albus Dumbledore walking down the sidewalk outside the coffee shop. I'm not kidding. There was a man wearing purple robes and a purple pointed wizard's hat. He had a long, white beard and had a knotted walking stick as tall as he was. He stopped at each little tree planted in the sidewalk and poured bread crumbs on the ground for the pigeons and other birds.
It was awesome. I needed the humor after the trying morning I'd had.
I rode the bus to Amoo's work and did some filing until 1:30 when Amoo's co-worker, Lyle took me back to Elroy's. He had to take the checks to the company bank anyway and it was pretty close.
I got the car from Bobby and went to pick up the boys from school. Traffic sucked donkey dong so it was a close thing. I had to go strait from there to pick up Amoo from work.
I'm home now AT LAST and I've had a shower and now I'm gonna be so lazy.
It's gonna rock!

Later-BD

Distraction News

2011-06-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay...

So I've been neglecting my blogspot a little... well a lot.

The problem is that when the kids are home they stand over me every time I get onto the computer and rapid fire questions and comments at me until I get off said computer out of pure irritation.

Example: Right now Kale is standing to my right telling me about how awesome Minecraft is while Phoenix, left, is reading everything I'm typing.

Not distracting at all, really.

The kids are out of school now and I find myself extremely occupied every day. They want constant entertainment but I'm just used to being alone all day, so it's a change to have Kale attached to me 24/7 and Phoenix going more than 10 minutes without complaining about having to do homework.

Before school ended I went on two field trips. Phoenix's class went downtown to see all the historical stuff and Kale's class went to the aquarium. Thanks to the camera Tobi, technological guru and bringer of everything wonderful, gave me I took many, many, MANY pictures.

The Molly Brown house was awesome and my pictures of jellyfish turned out great.

Kale in the background: How much more longer till you're done? I want to play Minecraft!

Phoenix in the background: I called the computer first!

(Not distracting at all.)

Anywho.

Phoenix earned his bobcat badge in scouts and he's going to day camp starting the 20th. He's really excited.

Kale has actually made some progress with his anxieties and his psychologist is encouraged by his attitude.

Phoenix: Can I say that I'm bored while waiting for you to get off the computer?

Me: Only if you want to clean.

Kale: Can he clean my room?

(Nope, still not distracting.)

Yesterday I took the kids to work with me.

I have no idea what the hell I was thinking so don't ask.

While I was cleaning the upstairs Phoenix got into Amoo's desk and found her lighter. She called me this morning to inform me that he burned part of her desk. I gave him the talk about playing with fire, which made him cry, which made me feel like a monster for being mean to my son.

I think he won't do it again, he was really sorry and scared. Especially when I told him how Josh's twin sisters burned their whole house down at the age of 14 because they were playing with matches.

Kale followed me around the building trying to hack into every computer in the place, which is a lot, so I finally sent him downstairs to wait for me.

Big mistake.

When I came down Phoenix and Kale had scratches and bruises all over themselves because they had gotten into an argument and decided the best way to resolve said argument was utilizing the ancient and manly art of fisticuffs.

I'm telling you... It's hard to reprimand your kids when they are saying things like, "Phoenix sat on my face and farted," or "Kale scratched me inside my nostril."

Then they got into another fist fight while telling me how their brother had slighted their honor. While breaking up that second fight I burst into laughter and ruined the stern Mommy face.

Kale: Britt?

Me: What?

Kale: Are you done yet?

Phoenix: Does she look done to you?

Kale: Shut up!

Phoenix: No, you shut up!

Kale: Britt! Phoenix is annoying me... on purpose!

(I'm not distracted, I swear.)

I shall leave you now with these tantalizing words of wisdom.

SUMMER SCHOOL!

Later

BDWrong

In a handbasket

2010-10-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

I'm going to hell.
Today I lost my temper and did something pretty bad. But if I had the chance to go back and change it... I wouldn't. That's how I know I'm going to hell.
My mother's brother lives with us for free.
I wouldn't have a problem with this except he's made a career of this. To my knowledge he's never owned his own place and has spent his entire life moving from one relatives house to another. He may pay rent at first but eventually he ends up screwing them out of a lot of rent and utility money. Then he moves on to the next relatives house and the process starts over again.
He has lived with us before so when Amoo brought it up my first response was, "Not only no, but hell no."
But Amoo knows how to work me and I let her do it because she was worried about her brother.
He had no money, and not even a bed to sleep on, so Amoo built him a room in our basement and even found a way to give him a bed.
This is one of the reasons why I'm sure my mommy is going to heaven.
He promised when he moved in that he would find a job and pay her rent. I can't remember how long it was but after a while of him sitting in that room all day doing nothing Amoo got on his ass about getting out and looking for a job.
One day while looking for said job he had a heart attack, or something, and was taken to the hospital.
He ended up in the intensive care unit and had open heart surgery. Amoo felt horrible. She felt as though pushing him to get a job had caused him to risk his health.
While in the ICU Emma told him, and us, that he could come live with her when he was healthy enough to leave.
Then, when the time came she started making excuses.
"Oh, I never said that."
"No, I said I would try talking to Deb about it."
"Oh, you must have misunderstood me."
Even I'm not that cruel to promise a man on his deathbed a place to stay and when it looks like he'll live take it away. That's just forking wrong.
So, obviously, he had to come back here.
It's been months since his surgery, and while he was very sick for a while, I think he's recovered enough to function.
I certainly do not expect him to get a job. But his doctors have said he's disabled now so he should be getting some kind of social security or something.
A while ago I cleaned out our voicemail from our home phone and at least six of the messages were from his doctor's office telling him that his disability form was ready and was he coming to pick it up? If he were less lazy he would get up and get the ball rolling on this social security or disability bull snit.
He pays nothing toward rent, power, phone, internet, television, water, gas, car insurance, or any resources he uses in our house. And for some weird reason, he just expects us to be happy with this situation. The only thing he pays for is his food and that's only because Amoo had to hound him every day to go get food stamps.
We have two other roommates and we charge them rent. How is that fair? They have to pay to live here but he doesn't. Why? Is he special or something?
He's not a very nice person to live with either. He listens in on all of our conversations because he's paranoid that we are plotting against him. As long as I've known him he's been paranoid like that. It's some kind of mental illness he has.
I do not like being uncomfortable in my own house. I do not want people listening in to my conversations and his paranoia is rubbing off on the rest of the house.
Everyone is suspicious of everyone else now and it's making us all unhappy.
I don't do unhappy in my home. It's the ultimate place of comfort and I work hard to keep it a safe haven for myself and my family.
Anywho...
Today he was late getting home from his medical whatever thingie.
This wouldn't be a problem except that Phoenix has a bad cough, it's like 40 degrees outside, and he had our car so I had to walk to pick up the boys from school.
When I got back I was furious. This is not the first time he's been out in my car and hasn't come back in time for me to use it. The only reason why he gets to use the thing is because of his heart.
I wrote him a note that went like this...
((Robert,
Saying you're sorry that we had to walk home isn't cutting it. I don't care if your clinic is on fire, you must be home on time. If you can't manage that then you will not be allowed to use the car.
Emma said something to Amoo while you were in the hospital. She said, "Robert doesn't have any money to give you for rent. He's never going to have the money and you're just going to have to understand that."
Amoo and I do not have the money to support you. We will never have the money and you're just going to have to understand that.
You have until the last day of school, May 29th 2011, to have $300 rent money or another place to live. After that you will be expected to give Amoo $300 per month if you want to continue living here.
Get up off your ass during the day and get your shit in a pile. (Or something like that, I can't remember the exact wording I used.)
This deadline is not from Amoo, it's from me, but is still valid. I will not allow you to leach off my mother any longer.
You should be ashamed of yourself. If you weren't such a bastard to everyone around you, you would have a place to go.
MAY 29TH 2011
If you do not have rent or are not moving out then on the 30th I will call the police and have you thrown out.
Brittany))
I could have been a little nicer, but I was pissed off. And giving it to him made me feel better.
I called Amoo to give her a heads up so that when he blew up at her she would know what the eff was going on. I told her I was sorry for creating a headache for her, but that it needed to be done.
I told her that if she didn't want to deal with it she could just tell him to talk to me about it, but we both knew he wouldn't.
My only fear was that he would think Amoo was trying to kick him out guilt free by hiding behind me. The truth is that my mommy is too nice for that.
She would let him live here forever if she had her way. She loves her family and feels an obligation to help them however she can.
But the facts are working against us.
She took a pay cut at work and now makes less than a McDonald's worker.
Our power bill is $750.00
And we are having a really hard time keeping up with all these bills.
I will not allow my family to suffer because Amoo's brother is incapable of taking care of himself. We couldn't afford to take care of him before he moved in and now we are so deep in the crappy river of debt that I don't know if we can make it out.
He doesn't see a problem with this. For some reason he thinks everyone on the planet exists to take care of his every need.
How can someone live like that?
I'm kind of a selfish person and can't imagine having all my comforts taken away just because I don't feel like getting up and going to work.
It's taken quite a while but I do have a work ethic now. The ethic is this: I go to work no matter what.
Do I want to? No. But I do it because I love money and all the things I can buy with it.
He loves money and all the things you can buy with it but he's not willing to put any effort into getting any.
It's sad really.
I do feel sorry for him, but this is the second time we've had to live with him and his poor pitiful me act gets old after the first year or so.
I'm not buying it anymore. And now that he's actually sick, he doesn't have anyone to turn to because he's never helped anyone out the way everyone helps him. And when they help him he makes it seem like he's doing them a favor by gracing them with his presence. He feels entitled to a place to live in your house and you should just sit there a feel flattered or something.
I really don't get it.
So,
I'm a spiteful woman who is so resentful that she's throwing out her uncle only months after he's had open heart surgery. (Well, he's got another six months.)
I'm going to hell.
But I'm still glad I did it.

Later
BD

The Revenge of Dumb Ass Friday

2010-10-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

So... yesterday after the kids got off school we piled in the car and headed out to my cousin Ame's house for her daughter Apryl's birthday party.
I got lost a couple times but really, did you expect anything else from me? We got there at about 5:20... 20 minutes after the party was supposed to start. Apryl answered the door and seemed properly excited to see us.
Without thinking I just walked into her house, a place I've never been before, without asking and sat my happy ass down on her couch. Kale, of course, made himself comfy on the floor with his markers and coloring book while Phoenix started salivating over their video game collection.
Bill, Ame's husband was looking at me like I had just grown a second head, but having purple hair and tattoos all over my arms sometimes causes that and I'm used to it.
After chatting for a couple minutes I asked where Ame was and Apryl told me she was at the store getting cupcakes.
Then I asked if we were too early because no one else was there. Bill said, "For what?"
And I said, "For the birthday party."
Apryl said, "What did my mom tell you? The party isn't until Saturday."
Yes, I was hearing the sound of a braying jackass in the back of my head as I explained that I had thought it was on Thursday not Saturday. Phoenix used their bathroom and we beat a hasty retreat after giving Apryl her gift.
I could have waited around for Ame to get back but I was so embarrassed that I basically ran out of there with my tail tucked between my legs.
I am a dumb ass.
Then I got lost on the highway on the way back to our house and I ended up going way too far and landing in commerce city where Amoo works.
And I repeat, I AM A DUMB ASS!
So yeah... I'm retarded and I can't even read a simple birthday invitation.
Wow! I need some chocolate now.
Later
BD Wrong

Just Like Any Other Day...

2010-09-28T16:50:00.001-07:00

I have almost reached the end of this day.

It happens to be Phoenix's birthday and I never thought I would want said day to end as much as I do now.

Why, you ask?

Weeeeeeeelllllll,

(get comfy, this isn't gonna be brief.)

Yesterday Amoo and I gathered at walmart to shop for Phoenix's birthday. We got a bunch of treats and little party favors to hand out to everyone in his class at school. The teacher begged me not to bring any form of cake so we got rice crispy treats. (the teacher thanked me later.)

We got him a prepaid phone for the biggest part of his present. We also got him a card with minutes for his phone, a t-shirt that said, "Vampires ate my homework" and Iron Man 2.

We got Kale the same shirt to soften the blow that Phoenix would be getting presents and he wouldn't. I worked all day yesterday and was busy afterward so I didn't get to the activation of his phone until today around 12:30.

After talking to several people from the company that manages the service for the phone I was ready to rip out my eyeballs and beat them over the head with the bloody stalks.

Ever seen the first Transformers movie?

There's a part where the army guys are in a foreign country fighting the decepticon" Scorpion" and they are trying to get a call through to the pentagon. They have to buy the phone call with a credit card and the soldier is trying to tell the operator that he's a little busy with the trying to stay alive business. The operator says, while picking his nose, "Sir, the attitude will not speed things up, not one little bit."

This is what my time on the phone with these people was like.

I kept reading the numbers to the lady and she would read them back to me, but they were always the wrong numbers.

For example: I would say, 639 and she would say, "See, tree, fie?"

I would say no and repeat the numbers but she would still repeat the wrong ones back to me. It went back and forth like that for a while until she transferred me to another operator who had an even thicker accent that I had an even harder time understanding.

After three transfers and four different operators it was determined that the phone we bought wasn't properly scanned by the cashier at walmart and, therefore, not eligible to be activated. It's how they keep people from stealing the phones and activating them.

I had to go to Phoenix's school at a certain time to hand out the treats so I didn't have his present wrapped and ready after school as we had originally planned. So I had to drop the boys off at home with Amoo and run to walmart to exchange the phone.

Amoo was waiting with Phoenix and Kale at home, and they knew I was bringing presents so I tried to hurry. Hurrying was not in the plan.

They're doing construction on 56th ave and the flaggers had all of traffic stopped for quite a long time to let all the construction vehicles leave the area.

I suppose it was a good thing. I wrapped Phoenix's present and put a bow on it while I waited. Yes, I actually had wrapping paper, tape, scissors, and ribbon with me in the car. If you know me then you know I have a slight obsession with wrapping gifts. But I have to say this was a first for me. How many people can say they wrapped a gift while in traffic and in the drivers seat?
I was running at warp speed all day and realized as I was driving home that I had forgotten to make anything for dinner. It being Phoenix's birthday this would obviously not do.
I stopped at McDonald's and picked up 50 chicken nuggets and two happy meal toys.
I was the hero for the day. Kale and Phoenix LOVE McDonald's and that, coupled with the presents for both boys made me look like the coolest person on the planet.
We had a cake, strawberry short cake (his favorite) and some ice cream, but we never got around to it because as soon as we were done eating Amoo had another surprise for Phoenix.
He turned 8 today and is now old enough to join the cub scouts at Amoo's church.
I was sceptical. I hear the word scout and I automatically think "club of dorks", but he really had fun. I love that he can hang out once a week with boys his own age and learn new, and potentially useful things.
The part I love the most about it is that he can get some kind of male guidance that his fatherless household cannot provide. He needs testosterone in his environment and this is a very good way to get it. Plus, I don't have to worry that the kids he's hanging out with will try to sell him drugs or teach him all about gang initiation.
It was another boy's birthday as well and everyone got cake at the end of the meeting. One lady in Amoo's ward even made a cake for Phoenix. I was touched.
Before the end of the meeting the kids got together in the gym to play some dodge ball. This is another thing I like about the scouts. Phoenix really needs physical exercise.
Unfortunately, Kale was very excited and wouldn't stop running around. He wasn't interfering with the game much. The problem was he has asthma and for some dumb ass reason, I took his inhaler out of the glove box in the car.
When they were done with the game the scouts went back into the relief society room to finish their meeting while I tried to get Kale to slow down his breathing. Kale is only 5 and is new to this asthma thing, so when he coughs he uses his voice and it sounds like he's screaming.
You have to hear it to really get the idea.
I had lost sight of Amoo and was looking all over the church for her and pulling along a child who was coughing so loud I'm sure everyone in the church, no neighborhood, heard it and wondered who was dying.
After exhausting all other options I tried sneaking a peak into the scout meeting. As soon as I opened the door Kale started scream-coughing non-stop. I apologized and snuck in to tell Amoo that I had to run home to get Kale's inhaler and that I would be back as soon as I possibly could.
There are two doors in the relief society room. I came in one door and left through the other so I could avoid walking through the scout master who was reciting some kind of speech when I barged in. Kale, who had stayed by the door, lost sight of me when I exited the room and freaked the fluck out.
He slammed the door as he ran into the hallway and yelled, "BRITT?! WHERE ARE YOU?"
Seriously, when have I ever left him alone or without telling him where I'm going? I tell this child when I'm taking a shower so he doesn't freak out about it and he still thinks I'm gonna disappear.
So yeah... If you're ever having an evening where you haven't been publicly embarrassed just invite my youngest son. He'll fix that right up for you.
By the time we got back to the church the meeting had ended and Amoo and Phoenix were waiting for us. Luckily we weren't the last ones to leave so I didn't feel too bad about deserting them.
It was 15 minutes till bedtime when we got home so I hurried the boys through a bath and shuffled them off to bed.
I am now soooooo happy that this day is over.
I love that Phoenix had a wonderful birthday but it sure took a lot of trouble to produce.
I'm gonna go to sleep now.
LaterBD
OH MY GOLLY GOSH!
When I finished this post I clicked the wrong button and didn't post it.
Sorry, this was supposed to post yesterday, on Phoenix's birthday. Now it's a day late.
I'm hearing that jackass noise in the back of my head.

They Didn't Light Anything On Fire

2010-08-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

Today was a weird day.

I walked Phoenix and Kale to school, just like normal. I left them outside in the lines with their teachers, just like normal. And I walked home, just like normal.

When I got home I cozied up with a good book, Eclipse. (Yes, it's like my 10th time reading it, but it never gets old to me.)

After a couple pages I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was just John in the hallway but it wasn't. I looked over and Phoenix and Kale walked into my room.

My first thought was, "Who in the hell walked you guys home?"

After a couple questions the story came out. Pretty much as soon as I turned my back Kale found his brother, latched onto him and wouldn't let go. He was screaming and crying and he refused to go into the school. Phoenix was confused and didn't know what he was supposed to do, so he walked back home to get me.

I yelled at Kale and told him he was grounded off video games for a day, a fate worse than death.

I walked them back to school. While we were walking I told Phoenix that if this ever happened again to GO FIND A FREAKIN' TEACHER. To NEVER leave the school without myself or Amoo and to never, never, ever walk home alone again.

We live in East Denver Gang-land for cryin' out loud! (I think I aged about ten years today.)

I told Kale that if he ever did this again I would take all the video games, and the systems that they plug into, and sell them. He promised he would never do it again and pretty much cried the whole way back to school. I explained what had happened to the teachers and they promised to keep an eye on Kale to keep this from happening again.

I suppose this was bound to happen sooner or later. I was the world's worst child and I can expect no less from my little demons.

Amoo said something that both comforted and filled me with dread at the same time, "At least they didn't light anything on fire."

Later - BD

Watch your kids in the bathroom.

2010-08-19T16:18:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was rushing through the house, making sure we would all be ready for back to school night @ 4pm, when I heard Kale crying. I found him in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. He said it was hurting when he tried pushing. This is not a new phenomenon. Kale has had constipation often and we're just used to it.
I told him there was nothing he could do but push it out. While saying this I noticed he was coated from the top of his head to his belly button in Gorilla Snot, a kind of super-hold hair jell, and that he'd taken John's shaving cream and used it like silly string on the floor all around him.
The next time Kale tried pushing he started screaming.
My mommy senses, you know... the one that says, "Help The Baby NOW!" went off and I took a look at what was doing between Kale's legs.
I will not describe what I saw. If you want to see what it looked like look up "rectal prolapse" on WEB MD or Google it.
I have never been so terrified in my life. To see what I saw and not be panicked is impossible. I thought at least he would need surgery and at worse he was dying from some kind of internal disease. I did the only thing I could think of. I pushed it back in. Later the doctors said it was the right thing to do, but now I think it was stupid and reckless and I had no business trying to fix a human.
Amoo came home from work as quickly as she could drive, legally. While she drove I bathed Kale to get all the gorilla snot off of him, and it seemed to calm him down. By the time we got to Children's Hospital he behaved as if it had never happened.
While we waited I let him take pictures of the lobby with my camera and they turned out rather good for a five year old.
When we finally got back to a room the doctor did a quick visual to make sure nothing was hanging out. He couldn't see anything wrong so they brought in the supervising doctor and a picture of what I had described. The picture was exactly what it looked like.
They said Kale had experienced something called Rectal Prolapse. Many, many things can cause it. It's most common in small children and the elderly who have problems digesting or live in third world countries and are malnourished.
Sometimes it can happen in healthy children if they just spend too much time on the toilet pushing way too hard.
They still had to do an internal exam to make sure everything was in the correct place. I cannot express the horror and panic I felt as they performed this odious, however necessary, procedure. Kale screamed and bit and kicked the whole time. It took four people besides me to hold him still so they didn't accidentally hurt him.
Afterward they gave him a juice box and a Popsicle.
Personally, I think he earned himself a new video game or a lump sum of cash, but I guess that was all they had on hand.
They said everything was fine and that it should never happen again, but that if it does I need to rush him to the E.R. as quickly as possible. Because if it happens again that means there's some kind of structural deformity that will most likely require surgery to fix.
We went home with some laxatives, a rubber glove balloon, and a very, very, VERY, unhappy child.
Today was his first day of school, which he got to experience while taking laxatives. Yay!
Maybe I'll tell that one another time.
LaterBD

Utah

2010-08-10T14:43:00.000-07:00

My dad died on Saturday.
He was flying his plane when he crashed and died on impact.
I went with Tobi to Utah for the funeral on Thursday. No one could get a flight in because there's some kind of archery championship going on in Utah right now, so everyone who came had to drive.
I don't do well at funerals in general so this was horrifying to me. I cried more in the past week than I have in my whole life. I stayed with my sister Krystal and her husband Derek.
I am sooooo happy I got to stay at her house and not some other random relation. Well, I would have loved staying with Jenny, my other sister in Utah, too.
I got to sleep in the Twilight room. It's aaaaawesome! Also very calming being surrounded by a gorgeous vampire and werewolf.
Krystal's son, Drake, is the cutest two year old. I loved spending time with him and started missing him the moment we left.
Derek was awesome to me. My boys completely took over his xbox so they could play games almost constantly and he never complained about it. I'm pretty sure I mentioned I don't do well at funerals. He always seemed to find me when I needed a hug, which was a lot over the past few days. He also made the kids stop being little shits when I didn't have the emotional energy to get them to behave.
Krystal and Derek have a cat named Shadow.
I love, love, LOVE, their kitty. Normally cats don't do well with change and strange people but this cat is different. She slept on me almost every night I was there and would come curl up on my lap whenever I was sitting in the living room. She was just the cutest and friendliest little thing I've ever seen. I miss you Shadow.
Krystal... I have never met someone so generous and willing to make my stay as comfortable as possible. She seemed to always be helping someone at every moment of every day I stayed there and I saw the toll it was taking. She was exhausted but she never complained and still kept asking everyone if there was more she could do.
You don't meet selfless people very often, and I certainly haven't met anyone like that in a long time. I was, and still am, astounded and proud that I can claim this woman as my sister. And while we haven't really been in touch all that much I hope I can fix that and stay in contact with her.
SHE'S MADE OF AWESOME!
I will probably blog more about my trip later, but now I have to go make dinner.
Tacos... Yummy!
LaterBD

Drake

The Post That Never Ends

2010-05-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

I had a busy week. It was the last week of school and I had many functions I promised to help with at both of my boys' classes.
MONDAY: Tie-dye shirts with Kale's class.
I played with all the students to keep them distracted while the teachers set up the stuff. I have a particular fondness for Yasmin and Breanna. they were the two girls I was in charge of on the field trip.
It was mayhem, but after about an hour we got everything put away and the kids got to take turns making their shirts.
The problem with that was that the kids didn't understand why those kids got to make a shirt and they didn't. We told them they would get a turn but they are 4 and 5 years old. They don't hear adults unless they say 'candy' or 'toys'. I decided to keep the kids distracted while the teachers supervised the kids with the very permanent dye. It was like walking up the side of a mountain while juggling. ADVENTURE! They didn't want to do any of the boring stuff I was doing, they wanted their own shirts now. After the first kids were done and the teachers called two more over some of the kids caught on and settled down.
I didn't get to see Kale do his shirt but I got to see the after effects. Did I mention the dye was PERMANENT? Thankfully the teachers put water-proof smocks on them to protect their clothes, but Kale was blue and purple from his elbows to his wrists. I just got the rest of the dye out of his skin yesterday. (For those of you not counting, that's three days later.)
There was one shirt left over and I got to do that one. It was fun. Like, a lot more fun than I thought it would be.
I was supposed to stay the whole day at Kale's class but Amoo called me and needed the car. Kale was a little less than happy that I was leaving after I said I would stay with him until school was over. I told him that I didn't plan on Amoo's brother having a heart attack but he still thought I was pulling one over on him.
THE WHOLE THING WAS A PLOT!
I left after prying his little hands out of my hair and took Amoo to the hospital to visit her brother. If you don't know what happened with him go read her blog. "bunrammitsrus"
When we got to the hospital I needed to use the bathroom. While in the stall I saw the TWO INCH hole in the crotch of my jeans. So the whole time I was at the school everyone could see my pink undies with the maxi pad wings stuck to the underside.
Seriously, is there anyone cooler than me?
TUESDAY: Phoenix's class was having a picnic at Falcon park.
I made 35 sandwiches and agreed to drive all the food that the teachers couldn't carry. They had to walk with the students to the park.
Of course myself and only one other lady brought blankets to sit on. Good thing I brought two. there was a whole lot of food. Pasta salad. Baked beans. Potato salad. Strawberries and a fruit platter. My sandwiches. Three different kinds of chips. Cookies. Red vines. Chocolate cake. Juice pouches by the dozens. Fruit punch and soda. Only three kids threw up from over eating.
I made sure all the students got food then I pigged out, especially on the pineapple and strawberries. It was soooooooo goooooood. There were three classes of second graders at the park having their picnics at the same time. Mrs. Kullinger was the class I was with and Mrs. Harris is the teacher Phoenix switches to in the middle of the day. There was one teacher I didn't know. The adults with the teachers I knew did a really good job making sure the trash from the food was cleaned up but the third class didn't even seem to be making an effort. I was irritated to see the trash blowing away in the wind so I started picking it up. I spent most of the three hours I was there picking up trash. No, I didn't have to do it but it was rude to leave a public park swimming in refuse. It was wrong.
When Phoenix and I were sharing a piece of chocolate cake, I can't remember how the subject came up, he was telling some of his classmates that there was a chemical in chocolate that can make you happy. So Phoenix said, in a very, very loud voice, "Yeah, that's why my mom eats so much of it when she's on her period."
Good times.
WEDNESDAY: Kale's class was having field day.
I also promised him I would stay the whole day to make up for ditching him on Monday.
Mrs. Weil, one of the teachers, brought back their shirts after washing them and let them all wear them. They turned out so cute. It was like a whole flock of tiny hippies.
Again, I was the center of attention. It was quite fun until the teachers found out a fourth grade teacher took their spots at the park next to the school. So we had to stall the kids while she and the other ECE (preschool) teachers figured out where they could hold the events. They had just decided to have it in the pit, which is a fenced in portion of the school's front lawn, when the sky opened up and wept.
I was chuckling merrily at the thought that the fourth grade teachers deserved the rain for stealing the park from the ECE kids, when I realized I had left the windows open in the car. I sprinted to the car and was in the process of rolling up the windows when a car drove past me and splashed me from my neck to ankles with muddy water. I drove home to change my clothes, we only live about a minute drive away from the school. I grabbed the first things I could find that were clean which happened to be my red Christmas pajama bottoms and an Avatar t-shirt. I would have taken more time but I was afraid Kale would notice I was gone and bring the building down with his wrath.
When I got back to the school about three minutes later I was struck dumb by the sky. I could literally see the clouds swirling into the shape of a funnel just north of the school. I wasn't the only parent who went to the office to tell the principal to check for a tornado warning. Turns out there was a tornado to the north of us but it hadn't touched down. So the field day events had to be moved, again, to the gym.
The kids were a little upset that they didn't get to go outside, until the hail started falling and the thunder started shaking the school.
During the sack race a little girl named Zaniah had to go to the bathroom. She has two hearing aids and has a hard time telling people what she wants. I saw her doing the potty dance and told Mrs. Weil I was taking her to use the bathroom in the nurses office. I put her in the bathroom and closed the door, then I turned around to deal with Kale.
See, the principal chose that moment to announce there was a tornado and that we may have to seek shelter if the alarms went off. Kale hears the word TORNADO and freaks out. He yells at the top of his lungs, right behind the principal who is talking to the WHOLE school on the PA, "We're all gonna die!" I don't know if his hysterics were heard all over the school because I was too busy trying to calm him down.
When I got him to stop crying I turned around and my eyeballs damn near popped out of my effing head. Zaniah was buck ass naked with the bathroom door flung wide open and looking at me like, "Why aren't you fixing this?" I tried closing the door but she wouldn't let me. I think she was afraid of being alone or something, makes me wonder if the door was open the whole time I was dealing with Kale.
I tried getting her to dress herself but she wouldn't do it. I looked at her underwear and saw the problem. She'd had a little accident of the number 2 variety. I got some baby wipes from the nurse and got her to clean herself up while I got some spare undies from the nurse. That lady is always prepared, she even had pink princess undies.
After much drama I got everyone back to the gym in time for the egg in the spoon race. Mrs. Weil and Mrs. V were mortified that I had to deal with such a mess from a kid I didn't even know. It really wasn't that big of a deal but I think they thought it was.
THURSDAY: Kale's class was having a graduation ceremony and party.
I grabbed my camera and two sets of AA batteries so I could document this momentous occasion. Shortly after arriving I realized all the batteries were dead. Well, they had enough power to turn the camera on, and keep it on, but not enough to actually take a photo. Damned new fangled technology! You have failed me again.
I took a couple pictures with my phone and I tried taking a video but it didn't turn out very well. After the EXTREMELY cute ceremony where all the kids sang and got their diplomas saying they graduated from preschool we moved out onto the lawn for a party.
Kale told me he loved Breanna and he wanted to tell her before the summer. I told him he better do it now because it was his last chance. It was sooooooooo cute! He was blushing when he said, "Breanna... I love you and I want to marry you." Then she gave him a hug and said,"OK."
Her mom said she wasn't ready to be a grandmother yet.
While Kale and Breanna ran around the lawn blowing bubbles and laughing I told Mrs. Weil that he had proposed to Breanna and she had said yes. His teacher laughed and told me she'd called it days ago. I guess when the class was practicing their dance moves for the graduation ceremony Kale and Breanna would dance with their arms around each other while gazing into each other's eyes. And during recess for the last couple days they would only play with each other and they would stop suddenly so they could gaze at the other. So, I guess I'm gonna be a mother in law.
I wonder how many girls Kale has proposed to this year?
After the party I went home and grabbed some batteries then ran back to the school so I could get a picture of Kale with Mrs. Weil and Mrs. V, his second teacher.
As soon as I find that stupid cord for my camera I will post the pictures.
Three hours after taking Kale home I picked up Phoenix from his last day at school. His reading teacher gave me a chart showing Phoenix's progress in reading. He was literally off the charts. I was so freaking proud. I took pictures of Phoenix with Mr. Yues, the reading teacher. (I have no idea if I spelled his name right.) And with Mrs. Kullinger, his first teacher, and Mrs. Harris, his second teacher. Mrs Kullinger even gave me a hug and said while she shouldn't have favorites, Phoenix was hers.
I have to say it was an awesome and also hectic week filled with amazing highs and extremely embarrassing lows.
This morning I woke up and did NOTHING for an hour before I finally decided to roll my but out of bed. I'm trying very hard to be lazy today. I think I've earned it.
Later-BD

Effing crap and stuff.

2010-05-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

Up with this shit I will not put!
My computer is challenged. I can't put a play list on my blog spot because the stupid thing won't let me copy and paste.
I can't put any new pictures on it either because now that Robert has (fixed) the computer it no longer recognizes the drive the memory card plugs into. He says it wasn't him. Bullshit! Funny how I never had this problem before he fiddled with it. But, no, it's just a funny coincidence.
I can't get anything to work on this stupid thing and it's pissing me off.
I was gonna post some pictures of Kale and Phoenix playing with Cora and Alec, but I can't, so I won't.

I had to go with Kale on a field trip to the aquarium. Why? He's afraid his grandmother will show up and take him away. Thanks Sparky for the emotional damage to my five-year-old. Much love.
The best way to describe my experience on the field trip is... well...
Imagine you have three eggs and only two hands to carry them in. Now imagine you have to carry these fragile things safely through a tornado.
Am I exaggerating?
Hell no!
I was in charge of Kale, and two other kids. One, a girl named Yasmin and the other, also a girl, named Breanna. Kale was paranoid, bordering on hysteria, the whole time and wouldn't let go of me for more than fifteen seconds while simultaneously telling me we should go now because he didn't like it there.
Breanna is a very intelligent little girl. The problem is she's also independent. Most four-year-olds wouldn't know to keep within sight of the adult they were paired with. So every time she let go of my hand I had to go collect her. She amazed me when she started reading the printed information next to the tanks of exotic fish. Sure she had to sound out some of the words but I'm still extremely impressed that she was able to read words like habitat and instincts.
Breanna also has a big thing for hand sanitizer. At the downtown aquarium there is a hand sanitizer dispenser every fifteen feet or so. She used each one at least three times.
Yasmin is the cutest little girl in the world, next to Cora. (I'm not trying to usurp her Highness's position.) The problem is that she was scared of everything. The pretty jellyfish that looked like they were changing colors scared her. The sea turtles scared her. Even the clown fish, Nemo fish, and the fish that looked like Dori scared her. The beautiful and majestic sting rays? Terrified her. Maybe because they looked big enough to swallow her whole. Even the little fish frightened her. It was hard getting anything coherent out of her mouth but, from what I understood, she thought the fish could swim out and get her. The two, and sometimes three, inch glass didn't seem like a sturdy enough barrier to her.
So every time Yasmin got scared she climbed up me until she was wrapped around my head like the dog Max on How The Grinch Stole Christmas. You know, when they take the sled down the mountain? And that girl has some sharp ass nails.
Then we got to the largest tank where they keep the sharks. I was braced for impact when she would surely launch herself at me like the space shuttle headed to the international space station. She took one look at a nurse shark with all it's jagged, gnarly teeth and said... "Ooooh, pretty."
I about had a heart attack. Seriously... WTF?
I could probably have handled this with ease if it weren't for the fifty other schools on a field trip to the aquarium at the same time as us. Some of them were older kids, but it was like little kids day or something. And they all looked the same to me. Remember the tornado I mentioned earlier? That was the two or three hundred other kids there. Who, by the way were pushing in on me, and my tiny little charges, the whole time. It was like being in a mosh pit, only with something you need to protect.
At lunch time I had to try getting Kale to eat the food the school provided. See, the aquarium won't allow backpacks inside. I don't know why, just to irritate me probably. So I left Kale's lunchable in his backpack at the school. I swear, that child has food issues. The lunch the school provided consisted of a peanut butter and jelly crustable sandwich, obviously poison. Celery sticks, can't even be classified as edible. Apple sauce, which Kale informed me was scabs and pus. String cheese, jellyfish tentacles. (See, he did learn something on the field trip.) I managed to get him to choke down the apple juice, probably because he was starving.
When we got back to the school I did a bad thing. I made up some lame excuse and took Phoenix and Kale home where I collapsed on the living room floor and ate pizza until my head stopped buzzing.
Next week Kale's class is going to the Butterfly Pavilion and Ms. Weil, his teacher, said if they don't have any other parents to come I get to go with them again. Yay me!
I think I can handle it, if I have some nice tranquilizers to come home to.
Later BD
P.S.
Sarah, I love your music playlist. Well, except the lady gaga, aka: lady gag me. I can't stand her.

We're looking, we're looking. A... what are we lookin' for?

2010-03-13T06:08:00.000-08:00

So yeah, I've been away from my computer lately. But I really do have a good excuse. Honest.
First of all Robert moved in, totally not my idea, and he "fixed the computer" again. (also not my idea) So everything I had on the computer, my favorites, pictures, smutty websites, etc. are all gone. Plus I always feel like he's looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm not trash talking him or something. (P.S. If you are reading this Robert you should mind your own business and stay the hell off my blog spot.)
I kid you not, the same day he came the paranoid crap started. He said someone installed spy ware on our computer. Is it possible? Sure. But considering the source I'm not prepared to go on faith that it's true.
I've been sick for a while now. I'm getting a whole lot better but I still haven't gotten my voice back completely. It sounds like a sea hag getting goosed in the ass every few seconds. It's all low like a man who's smoked for fifty years but then when I talk for any length of time it cracks and shoots up in pitch until the dogs are the only ones who can hear it.
Sigh.
So if you have called me and I haven't answered it's because it hurts when I talk, not because I hate you and don't want to talk. You know me, I LOVE to talk.
Phoenix thought I was a vampire and tried to stake me.
(so I was gonna put a picture of my wound here but now that the computer is 'fixed' it won't let me see anything I plug into the tower. pisses me off!)
Well... that's not exactly how it went down but it sounds way cooler than what actually happened. I was making a wand with my dremel tool when Trip, the poor clueless puppy, came barrelling into me. I fell into the dremel and it slashed across my chest. The amount of blood was impressive but ultimately it wasn't that bad. It felt like I got a sunburn on a fresh tattoo.
Ooooooh. Funny story.
I had just finished getting Kale dressed after his bath so I was sitting in the hallway outside their bathroom. I was putting triple antibiotic ointment on the wound on my chest when John walked up to go into his room. (he didn't know I had been hurt) He saw me, his eyes got all big, and he turned around and started walking the other way. I did go tell him what I was really up to but for a minute there he thought I was stroking myself in public. Gross hun? I would have walked away too.
Kale has decided he wants to get married.
I know. He's only five but his mind is made up.
See, what had happened was...
His teacher, Ms. Weil, brought her dog to school because she's something of a celebrity to the kids and her cousin came with because she had a day off school and she wanted to help with the dog. Her cousin Jordan is this little blond twelve year old girl. And she's just about as cute as little girls get. When I came to pick up Kale his teacher told me to look at what he was doing. He was hiding behind a table, which was like an elephant hiding behind a bush and looking at Jordan with what can only be described as longing in his eyes. When he saw I was there he freaked out because he wanted to draw a picture for her before we left. After he gave her the picture he came out to me, stopped, said he forgot something important, and ran back into the classroom. He ran up to Jordan and said, "I LOVE YOU!" then ran back out to me.
While we walked home he told me I had to buy him a tuxedo so he could get married to her.
So yeah, Kale's in love with a cougar. I'm gonna be a mother in law.
Crazy.
Phoenix made up this story as part of his homework and I just was so proud of him that I had to share.
Once there was a snake who loved to spin in circles. But one day he spun in a circle for so long that he got tied in a knot. He asked everyone he knew for help but they couldn't untie him because they were snakes too and didn't have any hands. The snake was sad. To cheer himself up he started spinning in a circle again. Then he had an idea... He started spinning in a circle going the other way. He did it for a long time and he was very dizzy. But when he wasn't dizzy anymore he saw that he wasn't tied in a knot. He was very happy.
Seriously, it doesn't get cuter than that.
Anywho,
Dakota and Dalton are here today so I've got to go see what the panicked screaming is all about.
Wish me luck and fortitude.
Later
BD

My Angry Letter

2010-01-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

This was the letter that I wrote to Andrew at 4 am the morning after the Great Chucky Cheese Disaster.

Andrew,
This cannot continue.
Why in the world your mother, or anyone really, expect a five year old to value familial relationships above shiny new possessions is above my knowledge. The ability to appreciate family comes with TIME and AGE, no one is born with it.
Your mother thinks we have turned Kale against her. It's sooooooo not true. I completely understand, and don't really care, that you will never believe me about that. But still, it's not true.
The fact that you blame Dakota for poisoning Kale and making him afraid of your side of the family is laughable to the point of hysteria.
Sure, I believe Kale told you it was so. But he also told us, and the social worker at his school, that you beat him with a belt.
Could it be true? Maybe. But I'm not prepared to take a five year old's word for it. He also thinks Ghost Rider is his best friend and lives under his bed. Kale has a big imagination and he uses it constantly.
It's called childhood!
When I was a child I hated going to my father's house because while I was there he would tell me how my behavior was wrong and what a worthless piece of shit my mother was. And yet he never caught on that, as a child, I didn't enjoy that kind of treatment.
Telling a kid that the way they think and feel is wrong isn't going to sway them to your way of thinking. All it does is create an uncomfortable environment for them and at such a young age all they know is it's not fun, so they don't like it.
I still, to this day, refuse to speak to my father. Is that what you and your mother want? Do you really think telling Kale he's wrong and bad is the way to get him to want to spend more time with you? Because I have over twenty years of experience being the child between two parents that live in different families and I know what will work. What you guys are doing will only make it worse.
Sparky... All she had to do was get through one family gathering without slinging insults at anyone, and she couldn't even do it for his birthday.
Do you know what the definition of insanity is?
Literally it is repeating the same behavior over and over, yet expecting different results every time. Your mother thinks that she is always right, that what comes out of her mouth is law. Then when Kale doesn't respond positively to what she's saying she labels him as wrong and bad. And yet she cannot fathom why he doesn't want to be near her. If I acted that way toward Addie what would you do? No one other than you and your wife has the right to reprimand your daughter, because you understand her behavior better than anyone.
If Addie got a bunch of presents and was at Chucky Cheese would you expect her to want to stay at the boring table to socialize with people she barely knows anymore? Of course she would want to play with her toys and all the games. She's a child and to expect more of her is unfair and insanely unrealistic.
Does your mother really think arguing with Kale, pointing out his character flaws, is the way to his heart? If she wanted to be around him so much she should have kept it light and fun for him. Now the only thing he's going to remember is his grandma yelling at him and Mommy and Daddy arguing.
Kids don't like uncomfortable situations. I would think, after raising as many children as Sparky has, she would have known that.
And I would never try turning Kale against any of you.
Do you know why?
Because it only drives the child toward whatever you're trying to warn them away from.
It's basic human behavior: Tell a kid not to touch the fire and they will stick their hand in it. You warned them but they went for it anyway. The thing is, they wouldn't have even thought of touching the fire if you hadn't mentioned it.
Anyway,
If you want to spend time with Kale all you have to do is call me. If he's not in school and we don't have anything planned you may come over to play with him. Hell, I'll even meet you somewhere if you don't want to be at my house.
But I'm warning you, if you bring Sparky I will leave with Kale, or ask you to leave if we are at my house.
All she does is make Kale feel like shit for being himself and I will no longer tolerate that poisonous behavior near my son. It's not good for him and personally, I'm sick to death of it. I simply will not stand for it anymore.
Oh.
And I will also not tolerate anymore badmouthing of Dakota. He never did anything to you, or Kale, and placing the blame on him is just a way for Sparky to feel like she did nothing wrong when, in fact, she did. And she knows it.
I would love for Kale to have a relationship with you and his siblings, I think it would be good for him. But Sparky is out. She is not good for him and I'm sick of allowing her bullshit near my son just because she's his family.
Being a parent will teach you some very hard lessons and one of the most important ones is this: Your children are more important than what anyone else wants.
What Sparky wants is not worth the emotional damage Kale sustains every time he's around her. So I'm sorry, I truly am, but she is no longer welcome around my family.
If she ever wants to see Kale again she needs to take a look at herself and realize that yes, she did do something wrong with him and perhaps try behaving a little better toward her only grandson.
He's growing up so fast and she's going to miss even more of it because she couldn't keep her hateful comments to herself.
It's sad really.
So, if you want a relationship with Kale then step up. The only person stopping you is yourself.
Oh, and could you tell Sparky not to send him Popcorn Factory stuff anymore? He doesn't like it very much and it's not going to buy his affection.

I won't send this letter to him but it felt good to get it out.
Later
BD

Lets get ready to RUMBLE!

2010-01-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

Today is Kale's birthday... Hippo Birdie Ewe Ewe.
On Friday Sparky called and managed to convince Kale to come to Chucky Cheese so their side of the family could wish him a happy birthday and give him his presents.
For once he was excited to see his grandma and grandpa, but especially excited to see his sisters.
So yesterday Phoenix, Kale, Dakota and I went to the seventh circle of hell, otherwise known as 'Chucky Cheese.' I hate that place but last night was especially bad because everyone, and I mean everyone, was there. It was so packed that we had to clean our own table just to have a place to sit. It was also very, very, very hot. Like how it gets in a mosh pit at a heavy metal concert. There were so many people and they were all in my personal space.
I'm a little claustrophobic and the people all around me were not enhancing my calm. But I stuck it out with a smile for the kids.
I gave Dakota fifty tokens and he was off with Phoenix when we found James and Addie. They told us where they were sitting and that they had saved us a table so I moved all our stuff to their section.
Addie loves her brother and she's at that very cute age where she gets so excited and has to tell everyone how she feels. "Is Kale! Kale! My Kale!" I mean, it just doesn't get cuter than that. His other sisters, Presley and Lilly, were considerably less excited about him and more happy to be chewing on anything they could get their hands on. But they're babies, I expected no less. They are getting so big and Lilly is chunky, just like Kale was as a baby.
Kale opened his presents, he made out like a bandit, and posed for so many pictures with his family. He was getting tired of it so he slipped away from the table and went to the giant gerbil cage to crawl in the tubes. I grabbed Phoenix and sent him in to get Kale and bring him back to the table. While he was inside James came to get me. I guess Kale was back at our table and was freaking out because he couldn't find any of us and thought we had left him with Sparky. I went to the table and tried my best to calm him down.
In the middle of Kale throwing the fit Sparky decides it's time for Kale to take a picture with his father, stepmother, and his three sisters. Sure it was a good idea, but the timing was less than stellar. So, of course, he didn't want to let go of me just yet. In his mind I had left him and he'd just gotten me back. He's still afraid of his grandmother and knows that everyone in that family is on her side. He seems to think that they will turn him over to her care.
Were his fears crazy? Maybe. But he's a little kid. You can't reason with a five year old, they're not rational creatures.
So, Kale didn't want to leave me to get his picture taken. Just when I had convinced him to pose for the picture, that I would stay where he could see me the whole time, Sparky starts packing up their shit and ranting at Kale.
It was loud and I had trouble hearing it all but the gist of it was that she was mad at Kale for not showing any interest in her and the family, that he was more interested in the presents than the people.
(I know what you're thinking, "no! a five year old more interested in presents than people, it can't be!" You feel me?)
Then, to seal the deal, she put her finger in his face and called him a "very f*@$ing selfish little boy!"
I asked Sparky why she had to go and do that. Why did she have to turn it into a fight? She said she could tell when she wasn't wanted and if Kale had what he'd come for then she would just leave.
(Can you hear my heart breaking? No! Say it ain't so!)
Andrew missed the ranting and after talking to his mother asked me why I had been so mean to his mother. I told him that she stuck her finger in Kale's face and what she said.
For a split second, I saw disappointment in his eyes. I think deep down he knows that his mother caused a fight and was angry with her. But who knows? Maybe I saw what I wanted to see. He said that Kale was a selfish little boy.
I told him, "Of course he is! He's a five year old. You can't expect him to behave like an adult when he's just a little boy."
Honestly, I think Andrew understands my side of the argument. But his mother is his mother, and she's also his free babysitter. With a set of twins and another little girl to be watched while he's at work... Would you give it up just to speak your mind? I'm not saying he's a wuss... Okay, maybe I am, but I can see why he would take her side.
Everyone left with her. I think they're all afraid to go against her and you can tell she's the one who tells everyone else what to do because they all followed her out like lemmings.
Kale, of course, was upset. He was almost in tears when he told me he didn't know what he had done wrong and why was his grandma being so mean to him?
Yeah, happy birthday to you Kale.
I stayed in that hell on earth for another hour and a half to try cheering him up. We spent all of the tokens and eventually Kale forgot about the drama so he could concentrate on all the fun games and picking out his prizes.
So, other than the grudge match and insult slinging, it was a great birthday celebration.
I swear! I'm never going to that Chucky Cheese again.
Later
BD
P.S. The date on my camera is one day slow. These were taken on the sixteenth.

2010-01-16T11:31:00.001-08:00

Trip (trouble) Evans

2010-01-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

Trip was injured today.
I don't know what happened to her. I was inside, watching Animal Cops, when I heard her screaming outside. I ran to the door, but she had made it into the kitchen before I could see what she'd gotten into. She had a HUGE cut on her left side, kind of high up close to her spinal cord. I saw all the blood and, being the calm and collected girl I am, freaked out. I called Amoo and told her Trip was dying and to come take us to the animal hospital before she bled to death.
Amoo is like a rock in a tense situation. In her 911 operator voice she told me to put pressure on the wound and she would be there to pick us up in 15 minutes.
After the first few minutes the bleeding stopped and I got a good look at the wound. It was as long as my first finger and two fingers wide. At first I thought maybe she was attacked by another animal that had somehow made it into our back yard, but the cut was too clean for that. It looked like she had been sliced open with something hard and sharp.
After I got her to the hospital she started shaking really bad, but the nurse told me it was just because she was scared and in pain. (I thought she might be going into shock or something.)
The doctor had to drag Trip back to the triage center where they would put her to sleep for a couple hours and sew her back together.
I just talked to the doctor and she said it looked like Trip may have gotten stuck in a tight space with a jagged piece of metal dragging over her back. She said there was a lot of 'dead space' around the wound, which, she explained, is where her pelt was ripped away from the connecting tissue by the force of her trying to get out of wherever she was stuck. Basically she was skinned and they had to re-attach her pelt.
The best part of this??? She's going to be fine. She's going to have a drain tube that we have to flush out once a day and give her medicine 2x a day. What a terrible day.

2009-12-24T18:13:00.000-08:00

Christmas!

Today we opened all our presents because Dakota has to leave early tomorrow morning. It was a good year. With Phoenix and Kale we had to get them both identical gifts so they wouldn't be fighting to the death over some stupid toy.
They both got pewter dragon boxes, skeleton shirts, hot wheels cars, a bucket of Lego's, and a skeleton hoody that zips up over their faces like a costume. They also got the most adorable dress clothes. They looked so cute! Like little gentlemen.
Phoenix got a stuffed penguin with a gift card from his dad. We went to Target and he spent it all on Bionicles and Hot Wheels Cars.
I gave Kale a small stuffed rabbit because he was upset he hadn't gotten a stuffed animal too.
Oh and I almost forgot to mention the $500 Xbox and the two games to go with it.
Amoo made out like a bandit during a riot.
She got a Knotts Berry Farm pancake and preserves gift pack, two Harry Potter T-shirts, two Christmas pins, a package of glass icicles for her white tree, some fuzzy purple socks, a big can of Almond Roca, a snowman ornament that changes color when turned on, a coffee thermos for her endless addiction to hot chocolate, a custom made callendar, and the coup de gras... the book Hush Hush.
I got two pair of pajama bottoms, one red with penguins and the other black with neon green skeletons. I really needed those since I have none. (The dogs ate mine.) I also got a comfy long sleeved shirt, the cutest little dragon winged fairy holding a dragon hatchling, and the coolest organizer I have ever seen. It looks like a bunch of petri dishes stacked on top of each other and connected to a rotating holder thingie. It's perfect for all my beads and dremel pieces.
But my very favorite gift, well there were two, was the ornament Phoenix gave me with his picture on it and the welcome mat Kale gave me with a wreath made out of his hand prints and red dots for holly berries.
Without a doubt the best gifts I've ever received.
Dakota had some more presents at his dad's but this is what he got at our house.
From his mom he got a red t-shirt with some logo on it that makes him cool at school or something and three video games. Tomb Raider, Fallout 3, and Demon Souls.
From us he got a skeleton hoody and a two-headed dragon with an orb that changes color when turned on.
A strange note.
It was like Amoo was trying to go with a theme. Everyone but her got something with a skeleton and something with a dragon. Weird hun?
Anyway...
We are all anxious to see what Santa brings us tonight. I will try to remember to post tomorrow about his visit.
Later BD

Rabid Zombie Squirrels

2009-11-20T19:17:00.000-08:00

I forgot to tell everyone about the RABID ZOMBIE SQUIRRELS!
The last time I went to work I opened the cupboard with my cleaning supplies and started getting everything out and ready. I heard a scratching, scrabbling sound behind me. I armed myself with a spray bottle of Windex in one hand and bleach in the other. I mean, they're supposed to be toxic if you mix them right? I looked in the trash can that's just outside the break room door and a squirrel jumped right up into my face.
It didn't touch me but I still let out the girliest, highest pitched squeal ever to pass my lips. It was so loud I could still hear it reverberating off the shop walls several seconds later.
My scream must have scared the crap out of the thing because there was a little wet puddle with tiny paw prints leading away from me and into the shop.
Later on I opened the bay doors, they're like giant garage doors, to take out the trash and I'll be damned if the thing didn't jump out at me again. It escaped into the night and I got another shot of adrenalin while the RTD bus drivers next door gawked at the woman who shrieked like a little girl who'd just seen the boogie man.
On Monday Amoo told me that Lyle, her co-worker, saw the same squirrel on Friday night while he was locking the back door. He said it even jumped right at him too. We think it was locked in the shop the whole weekend and was trying to get back to it's little squirrel family when it jumped at me to get outside.
I think it was either rabid or a zombie, or maybe both!
Dun, dun, duh!!!!!!!!!
So if you see a squirrel with suspiciously red glowing eyes and a foaming mouth, beware! It could be a RABID ZOMBIE SQUIRREL!!!
Later
BD

Who's the dumb ass? Stupid question.

2009-11-20T19:02:00.000-08:00

I think I need to mummify myself in caution tape to warn other people that standing too close to me could be hazardous to their health.

Maybe the laws of gravity are slightly warped in my immediate vicinity or something. I'm surprised I haven't been hit by a meteor entering our atmosphere.

Yes, I, the witless wonder, have injured myself again.

I got home from the store last night with a huge bag of cat food, we like to buy it only once every two months. I had a bunch of bags in my other hand so I had the cat food bag over my right shoulder. When I flipped the bag down to the floor it snagged in one of my earrings and ripped it almost all the way out.

I didn't even notice how bad it was until the blood started dripping onto my shoulder.
And damn it! It's the piercing I just did like two, maybe three weeks ago. I don't think I'll ever be able to have an earring anywhere near that spot again, it's too damaged. Maybe in a year or so it will have healed enough.
Anyway, I'm a dumb ass.

And now it's time to play my favorite game:
WHAT COLOR IS BD'S HAIR THIS WEEK? Purple!!!

Later

Trip, de trip, de trip, de trip.

2009-11-08T06:58:00.000-08:00

I tried getting a good picture of Trip before the batteries on my camera died but she NEVER holds still! When my batteries are done charging I will try to get a picture of the phantom on her chest. Amoo says it looks more like a Phoenix.
"So there's a pile of splinters under my nose... that could be anybody's. I was framed, I tell ya!" Cheyenne keeps trying to blame it on the puppy, but we all know she's just as culpable.

Ahhhhh, the joys of having a puppy!
The other day Amoo asked me if I thought Trip would get any bigger. If we put Kale on his hands and knees you would see that they are the exact same size. Judging by her humongous paws and the fact that her gum's are still swollen due to teething, I think it's safe to say she's not done growing. By a long shot.
Phoenix has officially declared that Trip is his dog and as such he will be responsible for everything that has to do with taking care of her. It's a nice gesture but he really can't handle it so Amoo and I have been helping him with the watering and feeding.
This morning I came downstairs to find that the dogs had chewed up an entire roll of Amoo's toilet paper. Phoenix actually picked up his dog's mess without an argument.
Good on ya, mate.
If only I could get him to clean up the backyard, which lately has become known as a wasteland.
It's where the dogs like to drag all the booty they steal from the house. It's like they think we don't know they hide everything they chew up out there. I would take a picture but Amoo would kill me. It's a demilitarized zone of shoes, stuffed animals and plastic dishes they've stolen out of the dishwasher. Not to mention their newest favorite, underwear and bras.
I would clean it up but I fear I would not return and my boys need a mother.
So yeah, young dogs, a great load of fun. No really, I mean that.
Gotta go, Memnock is kicking Trip's assassinator and she's crying for help. So sad.
Later
BD

All Hallows Eve

2009-10-31T20:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight we carved pumpkins and went to Trunk-or-Treat. Phoenix's pumpkin was a spider and Kale's was an alien. I didn't have time to carve one for myself so I'll have to do it tomorrow.
We needed some flashlights for the boys so we went to Target to pick some up. I was shocked to find that the store's Halloween section was completely disassembled and was replaced with Christmas stuff. I love Christmas, to an almost unhealthy level, but damn! Couldn't they just wait till tomorrow to set this crap up?
I had to go to the camping section to get any flashlights and I managed to grab the last two that cost under twenty dollars each. In the car, while trying to free the flashlights from their impenetrable plastic wrapper, I sliced the crap out of my ring finger and couldn't get it to stop bleeding. Of course, I had no band aid and had to put pressure on it to keep it from spilling all over my Ghost Busters shirt.
The most fun in the world can be had at the annual Trunk-or-Treat. I kid you not! It takes about forty-five minutes to go to all of the cars and the kids come away with enough candy to give a four year old a coronary. When I was a kid we had to go door to door for six hours to get the same amount of candy they got tonight.
The kids were sooooooooo cute! And not just my kids.
Phoenix was thrilled to see another Optimus Prime and even a Bumblebee. Kale was very excited to see a grown man dressed as a wolf, his wife was Little Red Riding Hood. Kale said the man was his "Werewolf Brother."
Amoo loved the toddler dressed as a little Bee and another little girl was a Ladybug. Adorable.
The cutest ones I saw were the little boy dressed as a UPS delivery man, he was only about two years old and had the whole ensemble, and the other boy dressed as a Mechanic. He had overalls on with tools hanging on the pockets and grease stains on his face, he even had a greasy cloth sticking out of his pocket. And he kept walking up to people's cars with his hammer and tapping on the tail lights to fix them. You could tell the little kid loved to fix things and the costume totally suited him.
Anyway...
We had way too much fun and the kids almost went into a sugar coma before I could take their buckets of candy away. But that's what this Holiday is all about. Fun costumes and making yourself sick on candy.
Long live All Hallows Eve!
Later BD

The FLU part deux.

2009-10-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

We were finally getting better, damn it!
All our coughs were settling down and the vomiting and fevers had stopped. I guess I forgot about my luck and to watch my mouth because when Amoo asked me if we needed any over the counter medicine for the kids I said, obviously without thinking, "I think we have enough drugs to last us the rest of the year." We had stocked up while everyone was sick and we had tons of the stuff. Mucinex for adults and kids. Cough strips, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, sore throat spray and cough drops. We had it all.
The next day I had to keep both boys home from school because one had a fever and the other was coughing so hard I had to give him nebulizer treatments to keep him breathing. Ironically Kale, the one who only had a fever, was the one who had to go to the emergency room because he couldn't breath.
Phoenix was still coughing but it was well taken care of because he has a daily inhaler to control his asthma. On Monday I gave Kale four Neb treatments before 5 pm and the wheezing was still persisting.
Kale is not the most level-headed of children. Every time he had trouble breathing he started screaming and running from room to room like he was trying to get away from whatever was choking him.
At about 5:30 I tried giving him another Neb and the machine wasn't working! I think there might have been a small hole in the tubing or something because it wasn't smoking like it's supposed to. We don't have a rescue inhaler because Phoenix and I both take daily asthma meds and we've got the nebulizer so we never really needed one.
I had to rush him to the hospital.
All the nurses and doctors thought he was dying or having a seizure from the way he was behaving. When they finally got him a Neb treatment he calmed down and charmed them all with his stories and cuteness.
Well, there was a moment when they tried giving him liquid prednisone and he spit it back at the nice nurse who squirted it in his mouth. But then, and I have never seen Kale ever do this, he said, "I'm sorry lady but it tasted really gross." Then he asked her if she was okay.
I swear he was trying to get them all to love him.
After three treatments his heart rate was 190 and everyone kept coming in to check on him. Kale loved the attention, and because he had so much adrenaline in him he was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. He kept telling everyone how he wanted to be a monster when he grew up and did they ever see a Bakugan this cool, and how come it was so hot in the room and could he have a Popsicle?
It never stopped. Now I know I will never let my kids have any caffeine.
Anyway...
After six hours in the ER we were finally sent home and I got Kale a pitty happy meal at 11 pm.

Last night Phoenix had night terrors all night.
If you have never experienced this you should try it. No really it's great. What happens is he wakes up and walks around the house crying and screaming. His eyes are open and he can even answer some basic questions but he's not really awake. Last night he came into my room and kept screaming in my face but I couldn't figure out what he really wanted. I really thought he was sick and in pain, not having a night terror. So in my most intelligent moment yet I tried to communicate with him.
The number one rule for kids having a night terror and sleep walking is to NEVER WAKE THEM UP!
Every time I tried getting him to tell me what was wrong he freaked out even worse and kept putting his hand up in front of my face and shaking it like he was trying to get me to shut up and leave him alone. At 3 am I couldn't seem to remember that I should just take him back to bed so I kept trying to talk to him which kept making him more afraid and scream louder.
Finally he just walked away from me and went back to bed.
Even when he's asleep he's smarter than me.
This morning I made the boys a special breakfast because they were both feeling so crappy. Phoenix loved his but Kale wouldn't touch his. I swear he thinks I'm trying to poison him or something because he won't eat anything I make.
Later
BD

I am a Dumb Ass!

2009-10-09T16:48:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I went to work. I was at the second building when I fell. There are no street lights around that place and I have to use a flashlight to see my way into the building. I think my flashlight needs new batteries because it was very dim. The lack of light ensured that I couldn't see the crack in the pavement that I tripped over. I landed on one of those metal girders that they use for the frames of skyscrapers. It hurt like a mother trucker.
The next morning I went to the E.R. and found out I had broken a small piece of my wrist bone off. They put me in a splint because they don't give you a cast right away anymore. I guess the swelling can cut off the circulation to your fingers and can cause tissue damage. In short, they would have to cut off my dead fingers.
So in a week I have to go to my doctor where they will decide if I need a cast or if they want to just keep me in the splint.
I planned on writing more but it's extremely hard to type with one hand so I'll have to continue this another time.
I had to put a soft sock under the splint because it was rubbing off my skin.
Later
BD

Happy Birthday To FLU!

2009-10-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

Okay... where to begin?
First of all, the reason why no one has been able to get a hold of me is because we have all been so sick. Seriously, when you're so ill that you can't motivate yourself to answer the phone then you know something is terribly wrong.
It started with Kale being sent home on Thursday because he couldn't stop throwing up. I spent most of that day and night cleaning up after him and doing laundry. The poor little guy just couldn't hold anything down. The next day Phoenix had a fever of 102.5 so no one went to school.
I let Phoenix open his birthday present on Friday so he could have the whole weekend to play Guitar Hero 5. On Saturday night Phoenix's ear started hurting badly so at 4am when he couldn't stand it anymore we went to the Children's hospital to get some antibiotics. I spent the rest of the day trying to get the kids well for school on Monday. That plan was shot to hell when Phoenix started throwing up Monday morning.
I know! The poor kid spent his birthday puking his guts up. It's just not fair! Anyway, they both had fevers on Tuesday so they still couldn't go to school, again. Wednesday they were both feeling much better so I sent their butts to school.
Unfortunately I forgot they are planning to change Kale's classroom location and ECE kids had the day off while the school plans the move. So I had to bring Kale home.
Don't get me wrong, I love my boys. But I was sooooooo ready to have a day off! I had just spent the last six days taking care of every little need their sick butts required and I was looking forward to a day where all I had to worry about was doing the dishes and taking the dog out.
So yeah, sounds like a hectic time right?
But wait, there's more!
Sparky decided to visit our house on Wednesday. Me, being the suave woman I am, saw her out our front room window and exclaimed loudly, "F#@K ME RUNNING!"
I know what you're thinking, "She's calm and collected under pressure." That's me.
I cannot talk to that woman, I have a problem with my temper when forced to deal with ignorant people. James can be reasoned with, but Sparky makes no sense when she is angry. She's right and everyone else in the world is wrong. Why? Because she said so.
Anyway, I went and got Amoo to talk to her to keep myself from screaming at the irritating woman. If that makes me a chicken shit, so be it. After much bickering on Sparky's part mom discovered that they want to raise the rent, again.
Mom told them that we would not stay here for the amount they wanted so we would start looking for a new place to go. Sparky, of course, started yelling that she would have us evicted if we didn't agree to pay the rent. Which by the way is the total amount of the house payment. So we would be buying them a house.
When Sparky starts popping shit even Mom can't deal with it. She told her, "Sparky you're so dumb I can't believe you breath the same air as humans!" Score one point for the home team.
After looking for a place to rent that night, I went the next morning and got a whole crap load of boxes and started packing. I have to say, people are desperate to rent their properties. Rent is extraordinarily cheap and they no longer seem to care if the tenants have dogs and cats. You can tell the economy has taken a downturn when the people are no longer picky about who they rent out to.
We found several 3 bedroom houses for $700-$900 per month, and all of them allowed pets.
Mom and I started looking at places on a rent-to-own basis, and there's a lot of them out there. But then she had this idea. If she could talk to James, who is the only reasonable person in that family, she could agree to paying the whole house payment if he will let us have the house when it's payed off. She talked to him and he said he would think about it. Which basically means he has to ask Sparky's permission and she's going to say no. Why? Because she's mad at Kale and thinks we have turned him against her. I swear that woman is so full of spite, I wonder how she hasn't choked on it yet.
So, if by some miracle he can convince his wife to let us buy the house, we won't have to move. We are so not counting on that. I'm still packing. We will not stay here for the amount they are asking when we can get our own house for three or four hundred less each month.
And yes, if they agree to let us buy the house we would need some kind of notarized proof that the home would belong to us after we pay the total amount of the loan, plus the amount they have already paid. And of course we would have to pay for the entirely new kitchen and water heater. But if we can keep the house it would be worth it. I like my house. We get to paint the rooms however we want and we don't have to worry about replacing the carpet every time the kids spill their drinks.
Anyway... I hope James can make his wife see reason, but I highly doubt it. So we are still planning to move. I don't like moving but it would be a lot cheaper to rent a different house than to stay here. I hope Sparky realizes that.
I have always wanted to tell James that he needs to tell a doctor that his wife's moods change with the weather, literally. During the summer she is happy and we are her best friends and she loves us. But as soon as the weather starts getting cold she turns into the most evil, spiteful woman I have ever encountered. And all of a sudden we are pieces of shit not good enough to lick the crap off her boots. I'm pretty sure there's a treatment for her kind of behavior, because it's not normal.
Just don't let her hear you say it. Because she's perfect, don't you know? And she could never do anything wrong.
I know, I'm acting like a child. Complaining about her is an adolescent thing to do, but I can't hold it back anymore. Besides, it feels good. Like and enema.
Later
BD

It's A Trip.

2009-09-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

We have a new addition to the family. We got a puppy.
The decision to get another dog came about when we saw that Cheyenne doesn't chew things as much when she has someone with her while we are gone. The websites call it separation anxiety.
Josh found a family that had a litter of twelve puppies they were trying to adopt out and he picked us out one.
At first I was feeling a little left out when I didn't get the chance to pick out our own puppy, but now that I've met her I have to admit that he made the perfect choice. She's the sweetest, most mild mannered dog in the world. She always wants to cuddle with someone and she's kind of a wuss. When the neighbor's dog barks she runs away to be held and comforted by someone.
She is ten weeks old, black with three gray paws and a white marking on her chest that looks like a cartoon ghost. She also has some gray on her chin. Josh said she's half German Shepherd and half Chesapeake, whatever the hell that is.
We named her Trip because she has the three gray paws and if she isn't falling over her own feet, then someone else is falling over her. Yes she is forever underfoot.
I had forgotten how nice it was to have my kids all grown up. This puppy helped me realize how easy my day to day life had become. It's like having a toddler in the house again.
She chews on anything she finds, including people, and she is constantly getting into places that are almost impossible to get out of. I spend most of my time following her around making sure she's not getting into something she shouldn't be. The only reason why I have time to blog is because she's sleeping after exhausting herself by playing with Cheyenne.
We're trying to raise her right, we already have one dog that thinks the leash is a torture device, so I've been taking her with me to walk the boys to and from school. It also helps to get her used to lots of different people. I want her to be a nice dog to everyone. I'm not the only parent that walks their kids to school with a dog, but I think we have the youngest one so she is the star. Kale and Phoenix love showing her off and have been pretty good about letting the other kids pet her and they are very enthusiastic about walking her and making sure she has food and water.
The one major problem I have is the potty training. I understand that she's just a baby, but I HATE cleaning up bodily fluids. We're working on it. She's only been with us for two days so I think after another few days she'll start understanding what I'm trying to teach her.
Later
BD

It's a PORT KEY!

2009-09-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

Amoo and I have noticed something strange. For many months, probably a year, there has been a specific piece of trash placed in the same spot every single day.
When you drive to my, and Amoo's, work you have to go under three railroad bridges. Each bridge has a pillar in the middle of the road separating the lanes of traffic. Just before the first pillar there is always and empty Pepsi can in the road almost touching the pillar.
It's always there!
Amoo and I have a need, more like involuntary compulsion, to run over every can visible on the road so we know the can has been replaced every day with a new, unsquashed one.
At first it was just curious. We would joke that there must be some kids drinking soda under the bridge at night, or something. But it's only ever been one can. And why the hell would a person put it in the same spot every day?
Yesterday was different.
There were three Pepsi cans and there was the weirdest person picking them up with tongs. First of all, why tongs? Most people who pick up trash have a stick with a nail at the end or that long grabber thingie with the pincers at the end. This guy had a pair of hot dog tongs. WTF?
Secondly, this man was dressed very strangely. He had on a neon orange hat, like the ones men wear when they go hunting. He also had on a blue hoody with a business suit vest over it, and the worst pair of plaid golfing slacks I've ever seen in my life.
Now, doesn't that sound like a wizard trying to pass himself off as a muggle?
The evidence is compelling.
And why wasn't he letting his skin touch the innocent pepsi cans? Because it's a port key and he didn't want to be transported to wherever it lead.
Another point.
These railroad tracks are right next to a natural gas refinery, or something like that, called 'Suncor.' Natural gas my butt!
This place always smells like brimstone and has huge smoke stacks belching fire at all hours every day.
What if they really have dragons in there? It would explain the smell and the fires. Maybe it's a hatchery.
Maybe underground it's the 'Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.'
The whole thing is a conspiracy, I tell you! Hopefully I can post this blog before the American division of the 'Ministry of Magic' catches up to me and obliviates all my suspicions away. If this post suddenly disappears, you'll know why.
Later
BD
P.S.
Anyone retarded enough to think I'm being serious needs mental help and should seek the nearest medical care providers.
It's just a joke, DUMB ASS!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

2009-08-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

Today I dropped both my son's off for their first day of school. Oh yeah... un hun... do the happy dance. Now, with the evil ones out of the way, I actually have a clear path to the computer that isn't obstructed by one son wanting to watch 'Wolverine' and another who wants to sing the 'Anabore' cartoon network song to the YouTube video.
It's been so long since I got to play freely on the Internet that I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like eating ice cream for breakfast, you know it's wrong but it feels so right!
Phoenix took to school like I expected. He was a little nervous with the new teacher and classroom but he's had two years of experience with this school stuff so he handled it rather well. The only reason I knew he was upset at all was because he kept wrapping my arms around him while we waited in line with the rest of his class. Phoenix has recently learned, probably from Dakota, that public displays of affection make you a wuss.
After I saw him off with his class I took Kale to the auditorium where all the preschoolers, now called ECE students, are to meet every morning. At first he seemed alright. There were lots of other kids and parents loitering around waiting for the teachers to take the kids to their classrooms. When it was our turn to leave with the teacher Kale turns to me and says, "Okay, lets go home now."
I thought, at the time, that honesty would be the best way to handle the situation. So I told him that he had to stay with his teacher and I had to go home after I saw his classroom. He gave me a look that clearly said, You just ripped out my heart and NOW you're stomping on it?
He cried the whole way to the room. But hey, at least he wasn't screaming and running in the other direction like when I try dropping him off at his grandma's house.
I had a moment of pure motherly pride when I told him to hang his backpack on the hook with his name and he went strait to the correct one and hung it up.
That's my boy!
Last year at Phoenix's school Kale saw that his brother got to sit on a carpet with different colors at the beginning and end of class. He was so thrilled that he got to sit on the special carpet too that he stopped crying.
When the teacher started asking everyone their names Kale had a minor meltdown. See, even though I registered him under the correct last name they had his last name as what it was before we got it changed to his dad's last name. So when he wouldn't tell her his name I had to tell her it was Kale. Unfortunately she had this name tag with his old last name on it. I could almost hear him yelling in his mind, Up with this shit I will not put! Kale may not know how to spell his last name yet but he sure knows it doesn't start with an E. He wouldn't let her put the name tag on him until she changed his last name.
Could he be a little higher maintenance?
Yes, yes he could.
While the teacher was handing out the name tags and saying good morning to the rest of the class and parents the principal came in to interrupt. He said a speech about all the new things the school acquired and the new teachers and the changes about where the kids would be dropped off and picked up. Then he said that a lot of people in Colorado consider Montbello to have the worst public schools in Denver county, which he said was completely untrue. Sure, having pride in the school you run is important but for a second there I was worried he was going to be struck by lightning for lying about how good this school was.
Wait... why am I sending my kids to this school if it's so crappy? I tried going somewhere else last year with Phoenix, got the t-shirt, never doing it again. And a crappy school close to home is better than a nice school far away.
Anyway, the principal was going on about how the kids would learn more this year than any students in the previous years. He's obviously trying to hold on to his job. He said the preschoolers would have to read and write their names, something Phoenix learned to do in kindergarten, learn all the ABC's and be able to count and write the numbers from one to one hundred.
Kale must have been the only child listening, or maybe he just understood a little better, because when he heard what he was expected to learn his head snapped in the Principal's direction and he practically yelled out, "What? That's not fair. It's too hard!" Well, we all know Kale has never been quiet about his opinions. After the adults laughed at how funny he was Kale looked at the principal like he wished he could shoot lasers out of his eyes at the man.
When the man left the teacher finished handing out name tags and told the students that she wanted to show them the bathroom and to line up. She also said it was time for the parents to go home. Kale looked at the lady like she had lost her damned mind and said, "I don't like you!" I had to pull him away for a moment to tell him it was not nice to talk to his teacher that way and to never do it again.
Then he started begging. Oh, I felt like such a heel when he said, "Britt, you're leaving me with a stranger?"
I remember thinking to myself, Why doesn't he just stab me in the chest? It would hurt less.
After a little discussion I put him in line with the other kids and told him if he wasn't good he would have to clean his room when he got home. One of the other parents thought it was very funny when he said, "No! Don't make me clean!"
I left him walking down the hall with the rest of his class while he cried for me not to go. Turn the knife!
So, now I actually have time on my hands. I think I'll take a nap.
Later
BD

I'm incognito... Shhhh.

2009-07-29T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have resorted to drastic measures to afford myself some time on the computer.
Everyone is asleep right now, except Kale, and I bribed him with chochat mout to let me have a turn before he starts listening to Halo on you tube.
I'm surprised the computer hasn't flashed a warning on the screen, "DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!" With the constant use it's had to endure I am proud it hasn't blown up yet.
Dakota has recently introduced the boys to Wizard 101, an online game where they can create their own wizard and go through wizarding school to obtain new powers. It has become impossible for me to get ANY time on the computer. Amoo is seriously considering buying a laptop because even once Dakota goes back home we still have to fight over computer time with Phoenix and Kale.
Anyway...
I forgot to write about my return flight from Texas.
As soon as the plane started moving I lost what little grip I have on reality. I could feel every shudder in the plane and was sure during takeoff that we were going to explode. After we got in the air and the plane stopped shaking I was alright and even spent the two hour flight looking at the clouds from above. But when we started descending again the plane shook and I was back to imagining my imminent, fiery death and hoping my children would be okay without me.
So yeah, flying... never doing that again. Ever!
A while ago the boys got really sick and I couldn't get them an appointment at the clinic, they were all full, so I ended up taking them to the Children's Hospital Emergency Room. I love the people there. They treat your kids as if they are the center of the universe and cater to their every whim while seeing to whatever illness they have.
The nice doctor who was treating them had to swab their throats, to check for strep. Phoenix didn't like it, because his throat was raw, but he took it like a man. I'm lucky I had the forethought to hold Kale down because he tried to hit the woman. And if she hadn't held his legs still he would have kicked her right in her protruding, obviously pregnant, belly. She brought them Popsicles to sooth their throats while we waited for the bacteria to grow. The entire ten minutes it took for her to come back Kale whined about how his throat hurt because the lady stabbed him in the mouth. And he wanted to go home so he could tell Amoo what I had let the lady do to him. And on, and on it went.
It turned out they both had strep so we got our prescriptions and went to the pharmacy. It didn't take very long to get them filled but while I waited in line to pick it up I caught Phoenix and Kale trying to take apart a display case for breast pumps. After I got them to sit back down I didn't dare turn my back so I stood in line staring right at them to make sure they wouldn't try it again. Another customer noticed and asked why I was watching them so closely. I told him what they had tried to do and that it's happened before. That I knew the moment I took my eyes off them they would be back at it. I thought the man was going to choke on his laughter. It is funny... until your child hands you the four foot neon light bulb from the kiosk he just took apart. Explaining that to the bank teller was fun, I especially loved her face when she saw that he had no tools, just a stuffed teddy bear.
Good Times.
Anywho...
A few days after we got the boys their antibiotics my ears started really hurting. They kind of hurt all the time because of all the scarring from the many perforations, but when the whole side of your head hurts and you can't think of anything besides the pain, that's when it's ready to pop. I went to the E.R. and got myself some antibiotics. Unfortunately when I got out all the pharmacy's were closed and the 24 hour one was just too far away for me to drive in the current agony I was feeling. So I went home, drugged up, and slept like a baby. The next morning the pain was worse, if you can believe it. I went to the pharmacy and picked up a few other things we needed while I waited. I took the antibiotic before I even left the store, but deep down I knew I was too late. When you start panting and crying from the pain is just before it's about to burst. (Yes, I've got this ear infection thing down to a science.)
I barely got home and stumbled into the kitchen when it finally popped. It's an interesting experience. If you take away the gut wrenching pain, it really is interesting. You can hear the fluid pushing against the membrane of the eardrum and when it pops it makes multiple gurgling noises while it spits the fluids into your ear canal.
I didn't know until the pain eased a bit that I was screaming and Amoo had run up the stairs yelling for someone to tell her what was wrong. She hadn't known I was home yet and must have thought one of the kids were hurt.
I felt bad for worrying her but I kind of didn't have a choice. But after your ear pops, man it feels so much better. With a normal person the pain just goes away because the pressure is gone. Unfortunately my eardrums are thicker and tend to have little micro burstings for the next day or so. I'm not quite sure how it works, or why but many doctors have marveled at the sight of my ears. I'm a medical wonder.
Yay Me!
Anyway...
We've had a weird week and I still haven't gotten to the worst part yet. But I think I'll just let Amoo tell it.
P.S.
Shaun Michael McCurry was a good friend of Amoo's who died this past Saturday. He is and always will be missed.
Later
BD

Gummy Bears

2009-07-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

All the grand kids were introduced to the gummy bear song while at Amoo's house. And the world may never be the same.
Lord, give me strength.
Wow! I had no idea how much time it takes to upload a video to a post. I think I grew a few gray hairs just now. I wonder how much I can add to this post before it finishes loading? I can just keep prattling on about absolutely nothing forever. Until you are so tired of reading this crap that you leave my blog spot with a vow never to return. Man, trying to type about nothing is harder than I thought. What to do... what to do?
Oh! I know. I can tell you about the movie I just watched. I have a rule: I have to watch any movie all the way through once, no matter how much it sucks. Street Fighter almost made me break that rule. I always give a new movie a chance, and who knows, maybe it will get better at the end. But not that piece of crap. I shudder to think of the amount of money that went into the making of such a waste of time and film. If I had paid to see it I would sue the filmmakers for mental distress. It was almost painful to watch and I had to force myself to sit through the whole thing. Not even the fight scenes were exciting enough to appeal to me. If I were to rate it on a scale of one to ten I would give it negative five. Someone should have to pay me for the time wasted on it and- Damn! When is this stupid video going to finish loading? Sitting here, waiting is almost as painful as sitting through that movie... almost.
Mom called me into her room for something and saw that a piece of my hair was hanging down my face and looked like it was sticking up my nose. So... being the classy girl that I am I said, "He who controls the spice controls the universe!" I'm such a dork! Speaking of dorks, how come Tobi doesn't like the movie 'Clash of the Titans?' It was way cool and shall forever be one of my favorite flicks. Sure the effect were not very special, but you have to consider the time it was made in. Back then, when fire was first discovered, they were super special.
Okay, so I can't get my video to post.
Damn! I'll have to call Tobi and ask her how to fix it.
Later
-BD

It really is BIGGER in Texas

2009-07-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

The latest drama, well besides the family reunion with seven grand children under my roof and all the chaos that naturally comes with such a gathering, is that I (Britt, the one who never goes anywhere,) am in Texas. Friday the 3rd was the day Tobi was going to leave our house and return from whence she came. But when she woke up she had a problem. Her neck was cramping and she couldn't turn it very much. Everyone who has a brain cell knows that you have to turn your head while driving so she didn't know what to do. She wanted to go home and be with her hubby but she couldn't drive. I hadn't even heard about the drama when I went into the kitchen and told Tobi that we should just leave Mom with my kids so I could escape with her to Texas. Tobi shocked me to my toes when she said, seriously, "Go pack a bag." After much wimbbling on Tobi's part she decided I really was driving her and we set about getting me a plane ticket home and packing the car. I also had to take Kale to Sparky's house because Mom can't get him a babysitter for Monday and Tuesday. Dakota can watch Phoenix but we still don't trust him with Kale, also known in our household as the destroyer and lover of all things fire.
I have to admit, I am such a dork. I had so much fun doing noting more than keeping the car between the white lines for nearly twelve hours. Tobi obviously hates road trips, maybe because she had two kids in the back who wanted to get the heck out of their car seats and run around. Most people would hate being stuck in a car for that long but I had fun, probably because I had no children in the backseat trying to kill each other for looking out the others window. There were no arguments between Cora and Alec about, "he's breathing on me," or "she looked at me with a mean face." That is pretty much how all the fighting in the back of my car at home starts. Kale has territory issues and Phoenix loves baiting him. (Sometimes I do it too. It's just too funny watching him get angry over something so small like, looking at his favorite toy.)
Kansas wasn't the most stimulating place to drive through, but the tornado's and fierce storms kept me on my toes. I noticed, after Tobi told me to look for them, that there are quite a few anti- abortion billboards in Kansas, and also the inexplicable Jesus sign saying he believes in you and other such inspiring phrases.
When we stopped for dinner we fed the kids McDonald's, but Tobi wanted to go to Braums, a place I had never heard of but she said had the best burgers on the planet. We woke up Joel to get directions and set off in the rain to the place. When we got there we placed our orders and got our drinks and some ice cream for the kids. While I was filling my cup with root beer the lady who took our order told us that the tornado sirens were going off and the funnel cloud was only about five minutes away from our location so could we please follow her into the 'milk room?' I followed the woman through the area where they prepare food into what can only be described as a huge freezer. Cora and Alec were dressed for mid summer, naturally, and their lips turned blue almost instantly. The kind woman who escorted us to the freezer retrieved two coats for the kids to wrap up in. I have to admit, it was the funnest thing that happened all day. Tobi and I were laughing at our luck and we took many pictures of the milk room because no one would have believed us without proof. When the sirens fell silent we went back out and had to wait a few minutes for them to make our dinner, but hot damn, it was worth it. The fries were the very best I've ever had in my life and the burger, while not the best was pretty damned close. It was so freaking good and made all the better by the very nice people who served us. I would go back to that place just for the people even if their food wasn't divine. After stuffing my face to full capacity we went to the restrooms and set of again. We drove for a few more hours until we got to Wichita where we started looking for a motel. It was difficult and I got lost more than once trying to get into the stupid parking lot. When we finally made it to our room we pretty much just fell into bed. Tobi said she woke up in the middle of the night just a little too close to me and had to scoot back over so we weren't spooning. Weird experience. Tobi felt like driving the next morning and that's pretty much all we did the whole day. I wasn't as entertained sitting in the passenger seat so I plucked my eyebrows, played in Tobi's makeup, drew a picture, made wannabee hieroglyphics on the paper from a fruit by the foot snack. I listened to my music player and got the kids everything they wanted, movies, snacks and drinks. In Oklahoma City we stopped for gas and bathroom at the worst gas station in the whole world. I am so not joking. The bathroom was scary and I had to hug Cora while she used it so she felt safe enough to go potty. I took pictures so my readers would understand how horrifying it was, though I think the camera failed to capture the many flies in the small space. GROSS! When we got to Waco Tobi decided to let me drive, for which I was grateful. I didn't want to tell her but I was kind of bored sitting in the passenger seat. We were about an hour away from her house when I got pulled over. I was sure I hadn't been speeding because I had the cruise control on. But I still was panicked that they were going to give me a ticket. After a quiet fight between Tobi and I about how to unlock the window on her side so we could speak to the cop we handed over my driver's license and her insurance information. He said he had pulled me over because I failed to move into the left lane while an emergency vehicle was on the right shoulder. I had seen signs in Kansas and Oklahoma saying to do that but none in Texas, but there was no way I would have pointed that out to the cop. I apologized profusely and he let us go with a warning. Not twenty minutes later we saw a lighted billboard saying to move over into the left lane for emergency vehicles. Go figure. When we got to Tobi's house the kids ran around almost non-stop for an hour. Joel made us teriaki beef and rice on the grill. I have to say that the first bite was awful, way too salty, but damn, that flavor tasted better each bite I took. I even went back for seconds and ate some leftovers the next day. It was very good, but you had to give it more than one try.
Yesterday Tobi took me to Ikea, the most wonderful place to go shopping. They even have cinnamon rolls that can compare to Amoo's, they're not as good, mind you, but they are pretty close. I had no idea that you could buy a couch for $200.00, and not a POS, a really good one. I loved that place and wish we didn't have to leave. Then they took me to the very best part of the whole visit to Texas. We went to Rudy's. It was just a gas station that also served Bar-b-q. They serve your food in waxed paper and give you like a half a loaf of bread to eat with it. Your plates a thicker waxed paper. I thought it was so weird until I tasted the meat. Holly Hannah, talk about instant orgasm in your mouth! It was moist and seasoned perfectly and I was so full and happy when we were done eating. Who would have thought that a little meat on a plain old piece of bread could taste so very good? It totally took me by surprise. While typing this I've been eating cold leftovers from that place on a tortilla and it's just as good cold. Can they get nothing wrong?
Anyway, I'm leaving today and I'm sure I will have more stories to tell about my flight. I haven't been on a plane since I was ten. Who knows what's gonna happen.
I can't get the computer to reposition my pictures so they're just going to have to stay where they are.
Later
BD

Mr. Fix-it-and-I'll-kill-you.

2009-06-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

Living in a house hold with no adult men has taught me that sometimes you just need a knowledgeable man to fix certain things.
It has also taught me that none of my male relatives living in Colorado should be the ones you call for the fixing.
Our ice machine wasn't making ice anymore so we shut off the water valve under the sink and bought our own ice. Josh came over one day and said he 'fixed it.' Two days later the leaking water had seeped down through the floor to the laundry room. After much tinkering I got it to shut off again. He had unscrewed the valve so far that the threads of the thing couldn't catch to tighten anymore.
Our computer had windows vista.
I hated it. Our computer was slow as hell and certain programs wouldn't work, depending on the user. Sounds weird right? It's true.
For example: Amoo couldn't get Internet explorer to work on her profile, but it worked for everyone else. We had a guest profile for the kids and the parental controls wouldn't let them view anything on the Internet, no matter how much I fiddled with the settings. We had to create a completely new profile for them. MP3 rocket wouldn't connect on my profile, but it worked for everyone else.
It was a pain in the ass, but we worked around it to the best of our abilities.
Robert came over last Saturday and was 'fixing' the computer for like four hours. I've never really gotten along with the man so I spent the whole day avoiding him. For some reason, which only makes sense to him, he deleted EVERYTHING off our computer, even windows vista and installed some version of windows XP. Amoo says she saved everything on some file somewhere, but I really can't find it.
It's like buying a new computer. I've spent the last couple days searching for Phoenix and Kale's websites to put them on favorites, which is the only way they know how to use the Internet. Today is the first time I've used the computer for myself since 'the great cleaning of the slate' and I am less than amused. Half the websites I use constantly tell me I have an outdated version of Internet explorer and need to download a newer version. When I try doing that it sits there for 45 minutes doing NOTHING, until I have to shut it all down with Ctrl, Alt, Delete.
Makes me miss the windows vista drama. It was screwed up, yes. But at least I could work around the crap. I knew what worked and what didn't.
Like a crappy car. Yes you have to use the janky light switch to turn on the heater, but at least I know where the hell the switch is!
Amoo has requested that I stop bitching about the computer. And now that I've gotten it all out, I'm done.
So there! Neener, neener, neener!
Later
BD

I'm still alive... dumb ass.

2009-06-12T18:25:00.001-07:00

Dakota has been visiting lately and only just left which is why I've been neglecting my bloggish duties.
Every five minutes while he was here he was doing one of the following:
1. Eating something. In which case I have to tell him to get the hell out of the kitchen, monitor his portions so he doesn't eat half a gallon of ice cream in one sitting, or instruct him on the correct way to prepare his 'snack' so he doesn't burn down the kitchen.
2. Building a fort. When he does this he moves every piece of furniture in the room and uses every blanket and pillow in the house, which he drags all over the floor before putting them back on our beds. Once he stuck push pins in Phoenix's mattress and left them there for us to find. Little surprises.
3. Yelling at or beating on Phoenix and Kale in 'self defense.' Sure Kale bites but a 12 year old should be able to retreat safely from a 6 and 4 year old without hurting them. Ya think?
Anyway, it's been crazy. Like super crazy. I've been self medicating with large quantities of chocolate and books to keep myself from murdering him in his sleep.
Did I say that out loud? I meant I love him to death. Literally.
Right now I'm covered in mosquito bites and I am sooooooooo not exaggerating.
I have thirteen on my left side, apparently that's the juiciest meat, and I have four on the right. And those are just the parts of my body that I can see. I'm going to start burning citronella candles in my bedroom because I haven't been outside much at all. It's been raining and hailing of and on for seven days and I'm not much of an outdoor person anyway.
I swear! There's some kind if newsletter circulating in the insect kingdom that has me on the top ten list of tasty human meals.
The other day I went to get groceries with Kale. He went to the bathroom before we left but, of course, had to go poop in the middle of the shopping. And wouldn't my luck have it, they were cleaning the ladies room and had it blocked off. I had to take him into the men's room and keep my eyes on the ceiling so I wouldn't see anyone at the urinals. I'm surprised I wasn't arrested or something. There were a couple kids in there who thought they were in the wrong bathroom and one very unhappy man who looked like a black Arnold Swartzeneger. (I have no idea if I spelled that right, and I sort of don't care.)
Today I made baby back ribs for Amoo. I cooked those puppies for three hours at 300 F. then finished them on the grill to add that carbon monoxide flavor, good eatin'.
When it was time to get them off it started hailing. After spending almost four hours on the dish I wasn't about to abandon them simply to avoid getting wet. So, in one of my brightest moments, I braved the severe weather to save the ribs.
I have to say... WOW! I never knew how much it hurt to get hailed on. It felt like little bee stings, one right after another. I even caught one in the eye, little stinger. It was fun, no really. I can't wait to try it again.
Dumb Ass.
I never understood how much my mother suffered when we were teenagers, now I know.
Xandra's not even a teenager yet and I'm ready to kill her. She walks around the house holding her boobs, complaining that her 'little peaches' hurt because they're growing. She 'fell' down yesterday and I had to go searching the stores for an ace bandage because of her 'injured ankle.' The same ankle she was jumping and dancing on five minutes before I left to get the bandage. She thinks anything bought from any store not in the mall is sub-par and just 'wouldn't be caught dead' in it. I used to beat up people who acted like that in high school.
So Mom, I am so, so, so sorry for you having to endure not one, not two, but three teenage girls all at the same time. There are no words to express my sympathy for such a plight. It should be outlawed for a woman to have to go through such hell. I know now that I wasn't given girls because whoever is in charge of the universe knew I would end up killing them the first time they told me I was 'so stupid for wearing that!'
Woman, I am sorry.
It does help if I remember one thing. When all this started Amoo told me that teenage girls NEVER make sense. They are not rational. They will never be. If they are making sense, they are probably sick or have PMS.
P.S.
I hate you Sarah. Today Xandra told me she thinks her butt is too big. And could I take a look at it and give her my opinion?
Curse you and your female spawning loins.
P.P.S.
Kale just ran up to me buck naked with his 'tenders' swinging in the breeze. When I asked him why he was naked he said, "I HAVE TO GO POOP!"
Well duh!
That explains everything, now doesn't it?
Later
BD

For A Change, Dumb Ass.

2009-05-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm on time for a change! What miracle be this?

I forgot something in last weeks CF, so I figured I would start with the doozy Kale layed on me.

Phoenix and Kale were chasing each other through the basement, big shocker right?

I was searching Amoo's DVD collection for a movie, which is no easy task. I'm sorry to fall off subject but I hate that she never, never, NEVER, puts the discs back in the correct case! I go to put back Twilight and in the case I find the Lord Of The Rings, I go to put that one back and I find Serenity! And it never ends! By the time I get to the point where all the movies are in the correct cases I will have forgotten what the hell I was looking for in the first place. It's rubbing off on the kids too!

Sorry for the brief rant but it's just one of those things that bugs the crap, (see woman I didn't swear,) out of me.

Anyway...

Phoenix chased Kale up the stairs and a few seconds later he let out the 'Come Mommy' howl. You know the one that says, "Something is TERRIBLY wrong, so come quick!" I shot up the stairs like a bolt of lightning, thinking that someone was hurt, into complete bedlam. I was literally struck dumb for a few seconds by what I was seeing.

For some reason, which is only clear to a four year old, Kale grabbed a half full gallon of white paint on his way up the stairs and bashed it open on the back porch. Then he smeared it all around with his hands while running through it like a chicken with it's head cut off. When I found my voice I asked him why he had the paint in the first place and he said, I kid you not, these were his exact words, "I didn't do anything! Phoenix is trying to blame it all on me!"

The fact that he was covered in paint and his brother had not a drop on him must not have factored into his equation. I was so mad and screamed at him like a shrew for a few minutes. I hosed him and the porch down then put him in the bath.

My camera was lost last week so I didn't get pictures at the time, but the latex paint will probably never come off unless we use a sand blaster.

So Wednesday night I got home from work, walked into my room and found a baby bird in the middle of my floor. I thought it was dead until I went to pick it up, to take it to the trash outside, and it opened it's mouth. The poor thing was bloody and couldn't move at all. I could tell it's neck was broken and it was just suffering so I did something I hate my cats for, I put it out of it's misery.

This was not a regular little bird. It was as long as my hand, had very long legs and a long, pointy beak. I washed my hands and went to bed, which means I read for about two hours while waiting to get drowsy enough to achieve the coveted sleep. I think it was about 1 am when I finally drifted off.

At 3:14 am I heard a sound like a car alarm go off in my room. I shot out of bed, startled out of a dead sleep to find Memnock dropping another baby bird in my bed at my feat. It was the same kind of bird only this one wasn't mutilated yet, just squawking loudly in it's terror.

I shooed the cat away and put the poor baby in a box with an old flannel sheet to keep it warm. I had to lock it in the bathroom because the cats wanted their bird back. I mean they really wanted it back, like a lot. Both Memnock and River stood at the door all night meowing and trying to get their paws under the door.

I couldn't sleep at first because I had to wait for the adrenalin to wear off, then I couldn't sleep because of the racket my cats were making. I think I got about an hour of sleep before Amoo woke me up to take Phoenix to school.

As soon as I was up I called animal control. They assured me they would be at my house within half an hour so I decided to just wait for them and drive Phoenix to school. After waiting two hours, half of that time spent waiting on hold with animal control, I find out that the operator who took my call at 7 am got EVERYTHING wrong.

He got one number in my address wrong, so they showed up at my neighbor's house and in the report it said I owned a bird who had brought in an injured cat.

Am I the only one that doesn't make sense to?

While I was on the phone with another operator the animal control officer showed up across the street to look for the injured cat again. I got his attention and brought out the bird. I tried to explain that I was the one who had called him and the operator had given him the wrong information, but he seemed to think I was wrong because he had seen an injured white cat slinking around another house.

What are the odds?

He told me he thought it was a baby Woodpecker before he stashed it in his truck. When I got back into the house I found the reason why the cats felt the need to bother me all night long. I forgot to give them a can of wet food before I left for work and when I got home I was so traumatized by the baby bird that I forgot again.

Lesson Learned: Don't screw with the cat's gravy.

I took pictures of the first bird so I could look it up on the Internet and find out what kind it was. I didn't have more than one brain cell functioning at 3 am so I forgot to take a picture of the healthy one.

Phoenix drew the two birds.

Wouldn't you think my story was over by now? If only.

After the bird was in the right hands I left to drive Phoenix to school, late. When we were about halfway there traffic came to a dead stop on Colorado Blvd. They were doing construction on the road and had all the lanes funneled down to one lane on the left. I turned right down a side street to avoid the CF of idiots trying to merge and the other idiots trying to keep them from merging in front of them.

About two blocks after I turned off the main road I came to a huge crash caused by people, high on coffee, trying to drive and think at the same time. There were only two lanes but both were blocked by the mess. I tried going down another street but it ended in a sign that said it was closed for construction.

I got lost trying to get the hell out of there and after about 15 minutes found my way back onto Colorado Blvd right before traffic merged into one lane. No one had moved much, all the same cars were still waiting in line.

I gave up. It just wasn't meant to be. I turned around and went back home.

Isn't that enough drama for one day? You'd think so, but nooooooooo.

On the way home I traded cars with Amoo because she wanted me to put some gas in Josh's car. When I got home James was in the back yard cutting the grass and Kale was riding his bike. I got to the back door and realized I had given my keys to Amoo and had Josh's keys, none of which would unlock the house. I had to lift Phoenix up on my shoulders, (by the way, he weighs 79 pounds,) so he could crawl into my bedroom window and unlock the door from the inside.

Of course, he didn't feel very secure sitting so high and kicked me in the face a couple of times in front of a laughing James while Kale ran around us yelling that he wanted to go through the window too. It was crazy weird and wow... I very much hope that I won't have to do it again.

Phoenix enjoyed a free day off of school and I slept for like three hours on the couch while he and his brother played video games and listened to I'm Blue a thousand times on You Tube.

It's just too much for one woman to bear in one day! But hey, it makes me VERY grateful for the days when life is a little smoother.

Later,

Dumb Ass WEEK!

2009-05-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the mother ship has informed me that I cannot use the F-word on my blog. I informed her in the most mature way I know, by placing my fingers in the shape of a W and saying 'whatever!', that I am an adult and may use any language I wish. She then told me that she is still my mother, and as such, I will have to obey her wishes on this matter or she will sit on me. She also said, 'Sometimes might does make right.'

She makes a compelling argument, so I have edited the offensive word out of this weeks post. Damned woman and her evil plot to turn me into a good and moral person. Diabolical, that one.

***************************************************************************

This entire week was one big CF. (Cluster F**k)

I burned my finger with hot glue while helping a slightly impaired Amoo put the finishing touches on Cora's Princess P3 cape. Not just a little stinger but the kind that hurts like hell if you take it out of cold water for even a few seconds. I slept with the offending appendage in a bowl of ice, woke up in a puddle, (big shocker there) and thought I had peed the bed for the first time in like 25 years.

Dumb ass.

But it was so totally worth it. I mean the cuteness cannot be contained. We need sunglasses to view this piece of princess perfection.

I took my two kids to a school carnival on Friday and spoiled them with a whole lot of candy, games, and toys. I put sunblock on both of them but forgot to spray myself.

Dumb ass.

I now have a red tint to my forehead, nose and cheeks and a very pronounced line showing where my sunglasses were shielding my face. I think it looks hideous, but it at least shows that I had enough sense to save my eyes from the sun.

I did learn that everyone in that school knows and loves Phoenix and after the first five minutes they fell under Kale's I'm-being-so-cute spell. I swear he has learned the art of party manners to a master's degree. He lulls the unsuspecting strangers into thinking he's just the most innocent thing they've ever seen. Then when they least expect it... he pounces! Usually after he shows his true personality I find the previously mentioned stranger tied up with duct tape and roasting over a fire like the camp councilors in 'Adams Family Values.'

The kids had way too much fun and I was glad, I really was. But I was so very exhausted by the time it was over. Four hours in the sun + sugared up kids + one or two hundred strangers = one very strung out mama.

I was supposed to go to work on Saturday night but Xandra was over for the first time in like two months so I decided to stay home and go on Sunday. Big dumb ass move.

Why?

I'm getting to that.

Last night I went to work...

Have you noticed that a whole lot of my dumb ass stories start with the phrase: I went to work?

Anywho.

Work was fine. I got through my cleaning with no injuries or embarrassing moments. I should have known it was too good to be true. I was in the car on the way home, just two blocks away from my driveway when Amoo called.

She had that desperate tone in her voice when she asked how far I was from being done with the work and coming home. And she sounded like she was going to burst into tears and kiss my feet when I told her I was less than three minutes from home.

I asked why she was so relieved and she said that Phoenix had thrown up on everything. He threw up on the leather couch, the bathroom, the hallway carpet and walls, Amoo, and even Kale.

When I got home he was on the other couch sipping water and had a raging fever. He threw up three more times after Amoo retreated down the stairs, with her white flag flying, and each time was traumatic.

Phoenix kept arching his back and neck when he heaved but was also trying to breathe in. I was afraid he would aspirate and that I would have to give him the Heimlich maneuver or CPR so I forced his head down into the designated vomit receptacle. He, of course, thought I was trying to kill him and as soon as he got a breath started screaming that I was hurting him and to let him breathe.

I'm rather surprised that child protection services didn't show up at my door last night or today.

Even Amoo woke up out of her deep drugidoodidy to ask if I was killing him. I got to spend the night and most of today scrubbing the house with bleach. I think I ruined the leather couch but the death of all that bacteria is sooooo worth it, true? I scrubbed so long that my muscles ache.

It was fun. No really, I can't wait to do it again.

And on that note...

Kale has a fever.

Yay me!

P.S.

While I was spell checking this post Kale came to me for loving after he hurt himself running through the house. While being hugged and getting his back rubbed he says to me, "Britt, I'm sorry I buried your ring at the big park and can't find it anymore."

I asked him what ring he buried and it turns out it was the one with the tribal type symbols on it. I've been looking and wondering what happened to that thing for months.

Life is never boring with these two.
Later
BD

Dumb Ass...Friday. Yes, I know it's Saturday. So what?

2009-05-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I got maybe an hour sleep and had a busy day so didn't get a nap in. That night I took two Dramamine so I could get sleep. Normally I go to sleep around 11 pm - midnight but that stuff kicked in very quickly and as soon as I got my boys' teeth brushed and tucked them into their beds ,at 8 pm, I passed out. I even forgot to turn off my light. At four thirty the next morning I popped out of bed like a toaster strudel and couldn't go back to sleep. Go figure.
So I took a shower and shaved all the way up my legs, ooh, I'm a sexy bitch. Then I plucked my shaggy eyebrows and painted my finger and toenails. After braiding my hair I still found myself with an hour of time to kill before anyone in the house woke up. So for the first time in at least two, maybe even three months I put on make up.
Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuunnnnn!!!
It's been a while so it took me forever to get my eyeliner strait, but eventually I got my eyes done. If you don't already know I only wear eye makeup. My lips are too thin for lipstick and I can't stand wearing base or powder on my face. I skeeves me out.
Mom almost fell over dead when she saw me.
Anyway, at the end of the day my eyes felt like they were on fire. Maybe my makeup is too old or maybe I just used too much eyeshadow and it fell into my eyes, but it hurt. I washed it off and looked at my face.
I nearly died laughing. It looked like I had two bruised eyes and the whites of my eyes were all red from the irritation.
Looked like a crack whore who was bitch slapped by her pimp for not earning enough in one night.
Good times dumb ass.

I went to Albertsons to get some groceries for Mom's mother's day breakfast. I don't know where I left my brain but it surely wasn't on me when I decided to let Phoenix have control of the shopping cart. Kale was pissed that we were at the store and not at home playing Lego Batman so he sat in the basket, placed his head on his arms and went to sleep.
Phoenix knocked over a display of Sobe drinks, big shocker there. There were two other shoppers who took pity on me and helped me put the bottles, thankfully they were plastic, back into place. They told me that this was how they learned not to let their own kids drive the cart.
So the whole time I'm picking the stuff up, and planning my son's murder, Phoenix was saying, "Man Kale why did you do that?" I told him Kale was asleep and that it was his fault but he just pointed at his slumbering brother and said he kicked it while pretending to sleep.
That's his story and he's sticking to it. It doesn't matter that I saw it happen, he says I'm wrong, damn it, wrong. I wasn't mad at him, just very embarrassed, until he was throwing a fit in the canned foods aisle and knocked over a bunch of cans of peas. I made him put every single one back with every label facing forward.
When we got home Phoenix was pissed that I was mean to him at the store so he took the bag with eggs and a pie shell in it and threw it across the kitchen. The only reason he is still alive is because he is extremely lucky. None of the eggs or the pie shell was broken. Maybe he's Irish on his dad's side.
I love going out with my boys. No really.

On Monday Phoenix woke up with a fever of 102.5 so I kept him home. Tuesday and Wednesday he had a fever as well and the school said he couldn't come back to school until 24 hours after he stopped showing symptoms. Every day I called the school to tell them he wouldn't be there they asked me what his symptoms were because of the flu going around. On Wednesday the lady asked if I was taking him to the doctor and I told her the earliest appointment I could get was on Friday so he wouldn't be in until at least Monday.
I'm not sure what she said to the school nurse but it must have been drastic because later that day I got a call from Phoenix's clinic. The nurse asked me if I was aware that the nurse from Knight Academy was calling them and trying to get privileged information about my son. I made sure that she wasn't told anything then I called the school. The school secretary sounded shocked when I told her what my clinic had told me and immediately connected me to the nurse.
I tried my hardest to be polite as possible while smoke poured out of my ears and flames shot out of my eyes. She said that her district supervisor told her to do it and that she was only following orders.
I asked her if she really was a nurse.
She said yes, she was.
I then asked her if she really was a nurse why she didn't seem to know what HIPPA was and why she thought she could get any information on my son without my written consent or a court order.
She didn't really answer that one.
I told her not to do that again and as soon as I got an answer from the doctor I would call them.
It turned out Phoenix had a cold. But even if he did have the swine flu the doctor wouldn't have treated him for it. Because it's no more life threatening than the regular flu.
Dumb ass freaking school nurse.
Later
BD

Dumb Ass Friday. Yes, on time.

2009-05-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I got home from work and my world was spinning like I had spent the last several hours buried face first in a bottle of vodka. I don't know what brought it on but I couldn't stand to lie down. I tried taking a shower in an attempt to sooth my brain back to a standstill. I didn't really get anything accomplished besides slipping a few times, and who knew you could drop a bar of soap on your foot in just the right way to make it really hurt? I guess I'm that talented. Maybe next week I'll find out how to strangle myself with a Kielbasa.

Today I went to the store with my two boys, (demons) I mean angels, of course. Yeah... that's what I meant.

They rode the Penny Pony six times each and Phoenix managed to follow the cord from the bottom of the pony to an outlet behind a red box and nearly electrocuted himself while trying to unplug it in an attempt to thwart Kale's turn to ride. Where was I? Trying to convince Kale that standing up on the saddle while the thing is moving is NOT a good idea.

"But why can't I? I will look so cool!"

After assuring the good people working there that he was alright I hung my head in shame and marched us all out to the car.

It was locked and the keys were still inside. Why you ask?

Phoenix and Kale wanted to listen the rest of the song playing on the CD player while I got out and made sure I had everything I needed for the store. (When you have kids like mine you learn that anything and everything can disappear from your purse at any given time. So I have learned to check for my money and ID before I get to the checkout and make an ass of myself.)

In Kung Fu Panda master 'Whatever his name is' the turtle, tells master Shi Fu that 'We often open the path to our destiny by trying to avoid it.' Well it was something like that.

Phoenix and Kale finished listening to their song and got out of the car. I asked my eldest if he had the keys and like a good little monster he said yes, even though they were still in the ignition.

I know, I know! Dumb Ass! At least I didn't leave the damn thing running.

When we got out to the car I had to call Amoo and have her drive to the store, luckily we were less than a mile from her work, and bring me the spare keys.

I just finished watching a movie called Marley and Me. While it doesn't have much to do with me being a dumb ass it does tie into my stories for my Friday blog.

It's not really about a dog. If you have kids and a family you know it's about what real life is like. About the choices we make and even when what you choose sucks and it feels too hard, it is still your life. And when you look back on everything that is your life would you change any of it? Even the bad times?

So, yes life is hard. Yes, I am a single mother who struggles every day just to survive to the next one. Yes, my children are little terrorists in training and my house is a constant war zone complete with booby traps and a four year old's equivalent of land mines. (Those little toys hurt on the feet.) But if I could go back and change my decision to have my kids and raise them, would I?

Hell No!

Because how many people make you feel special and rare? How many times in your life will you feel like you are the most important person in the whole world? Every day when you kiss the boo boo on their toe or are thanked for making them their favorite dessert. When they wake you up way too early on a Saturday morning to give you kisses, complete with morning breath, that's when you know.

Your life will never be the same, and it can't get better than this.

P.S. I think I have PMS right now so don't expect any more mushy moments. I think I've met my quota for the year.

Later
BD

Dumb Ass... Monday?

2009-04-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

Okay... I've been shirking my blogging duties. But that's totally normal for me. I love to procrastinate. I get a forbidden thrill when I put off my blog, like when I used to cut school or leave work early to go to a concert. I just get the feeling like I'm doing something wrong, and yet it feels so right.
So sad.

This first dumb ass moment is dedicated to the Denver Public School's Department of Transportation.
I hate my son's bus schedule. His school doesn't start until 9 am and classes end at 3:45 pm. His bus comes to pick him up at 7:30 am and if they are running on time they drop him off at 5 pm, fricking 5 pm!
Sometimes when the bus is running early they just drop Phoenix at the stop and drive off without checking to make sure he is with a parent. The first time it happened I called the route supervisor and as calmly as possible told him that I was VERY unhappy. He assured me that it would never happen again.
Last week, or maybe it was the week before, I forget, we had a day of rain followed by two days of snow. I got to Phoenix's school at 4:51 pm and he was standing there all alone, in the rain, and crying because he was scared.
I felt like the worst parent in the world and was choking on the wrath I felt toward the bus driver. When we got home I left an extremely nasty message on the supervisor's voice mail, because that late in the day their offices are closed, and spent the rest of the day pampering Phoenix to ease the trauma of the whole experience.
The supervisor spoke to me the next day and, once again, told me it would never happen again. Now I understand it wasn't his fault. It's not like he was driving the bus. So I was less angry with him. I explained that we don't live in the best of neighborhoods and if anything happened to my child after the bus left him there alone I would have ended up owning the department after the law suits were over.
I hope he can scare his employees enough to get them to stop dropping students off early, but I'm still going to show up as early as possible to the bus stop. I don't want to have to sue them because that would mean something bad happened to my son.
I just want him to be safe. Is that really too much to ask?
So to the D.P.S. D.O.T. I salute you as a Dumb Ass.

The other night I went to work and for once no one was there to hear my shrieking voice attempting to hold a tune.
I was walking down the stairs after mopping the floor in the upstairs office when I tripped over the mop. The following chaos was strait out of a Marks Brothers bit. Instead of letting the mop handle go I held on, for some reason, and it pulled me face first into the door jamb at the foot of the stairs. I smacked my forehead on the wall and scraped my shoulder on the jamb. The force I hit the door with caused me to rebound and I fell on the stairs with my back also hitting the back of my head on the edge of a step. The impact was so hard the wind was knocked out of me.
After I could breath again I started laughing hysterically. It was just too funny. I wasn't hurt very badly but I ended up having a headache for a day and the bumps on the front and back of my head have yet to disappear.
That move totally proves I'm a Dumb Ass.

Yesterday I was taking some watercolor pictures that the boys had painted and taping them into a composition book that I keep pictures and drawings in. I ran out of scotch tape so I had to use clear packing tape.
I don't know how it happened but I managed to tape my right hand to the painting. It was weird. I didn't want to damage the picture by pulling my hand out, that packing tape would have ripped it to shreds if I had tried to pull it off the paper. So I decided to use scissors with my left hand.
(BD + Sharp Things = Dumb Ass Moment)
At least I managed not to get any blood on the picture.
In the moment when I released my hand from the tape I jambed the tip of the scissors, Ginsu scissors no less, under the nail of my middle finger. The damn appendage lit off like a geyser. It actually squirted a little, but when I put pressure on it the bleeding slowed and eventually stopped.
Even my son, the soon to be Kindergartner, knows how to be careful with scissors. I worked at Subway for years and had to handle knives and razor sharp slicers all day long. One would think I would have learned how not to stab myself by now. Jeez, it's so sad.
Yes I am still a Dumb Ass.
Later
BD

DUMB ASS FRIDAY #4

2009-04-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

I would have done this yesterday but I had a rare day without any monster minions so I got some cleaning done. Yeah, try not to faint.

After cooking our dinner on the grill, beef... fire... good, I started my Friday blog but then Phoenix came home and I was called in as the entertainment supervisor.

We had so much fun. Amoo picked up these little wooden airplanes and trucks and trains for the kids to paint. And knowing how much of a child I still am she got me a bus and a train as well. She's a good Amoo.

Praise the mother!

Anyway I decided to make mine into the Knight Bus and the Hogwarts Express. As soon as I find my camera I'll post some pictures.

Let's see... what happened this week?

I went to Barnes and Noble to pick up a book that Amoo and I wanted, but they didn't have it so I pre-ordered it. Kale loves that place for one reason.

Thomas the Train.

If you haven't ever taken your kids there then you have to do it soon. They get to play with trains while you read whatever book you picked out, plus it has Starbucks. It's as close to heaven as you can get here on earth. Well, second to the Russell Stover Candy Store.

Kale had to go to the bathroom while he was playing with the trains. When we got back to the train area there were these two teeny tiny, itty bitty little girls playing with the trains. They couldn't have been bigger than Cora and were dressed in pink and blue spring dresses with their Mary Jane shoes to match and there hair was all done in pigtails and bouncing curls.

Kale thought they were the fruits of the devil obviously sent by the dark one to thwart his peacefully perfect afternoon.

I thought he was going to murder one or both of them. He ran away from me and snatched a train from the little blond one with the Cindy Lou Who hair and pulled his arm back like he was going to throw it at her. I did a slide to home to my son and disarmed him before he did something I would have to kill him for. I apologized to the little girl's parents and marched his butt out of the train section.

He didn't want to go.

He started screaming blue bloody murder and dug his heels in so I had to swing him over my shoulder and carry his writhing body out of the book store. The whole way out to the car he screamed, "Don't smack me!" and "I want my trains!" So, of course, everyone in the store and parking lot looked at me like I was a child beater. Great for my self-esteem.

Do I really need to point out that I was mortified? I'm sure you get the idea. Do I also need to say that I felt like the biggest Dumb Ass? Goes without saying.

I'm sure you all know the definition of insanity, but it seemed appropriate to start the next disastrous telling of my exploits with a reminder.

Insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over but expecting different results. Just keep that in mind.

On Wednesday I went to work early, dumb ass, because I wanted to get to sleep on time so I could wake up early to get the shopping done and run some errands.

I had my mp3 player blaring and I, again was singing as only a person who thinks she is alone would do. Cats in a meat grinder. After about two songs Vern, the mechanic who sometimes works in dispatch came out, probably to see who was dying. I was shocked, he was shocked and we both went back to our tasks with reddened faces.

After he left I started the singing again, dumb ass, while I mopped. As I pushed the bucket full of steamy chemical rich water I saw two guys poke their heads out of the dispatch room. I nearly fell over the bucket and ended up catching myself in a less than graceful manner. As I fell I said the two words that caught their attention. I will not tell you them because then Amoo will yell at me until I remove them from my blog spot. the initials are JC, I hope she wont me mad.

Both of these men knew my mom and said they were going to tell her I said the aforementioned curse word. I told them if they said anything to her I would put super glue on the toilet seat in the shop. When they left we were all smiling due to the bull shit fest. I hid my shame well until they were gone. When the coast was clear I stomped up and down like a two year old throwing a tantrum while cursing the heavens like a sailor.

When will I learn I ask you? Probably never.

DUMB ASS

Later
BD

Wow

2009-04-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

I was surfing one of my favorite artist's sites and saw this.

This is an origional work of art by Brandon Dorman and belongs to him. So don't be thinking it's anyone else's.

It looks exactly like Tobi when we were kids and she was getting ready to bite me in retribution to something I had done. (Usually stealing her barbie.)

It always scared me when she looked like that.

Later
BD

Dumb Ass Friday #3

2009-04-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

Today I thought I would start with a request for help. If you look in the upper right hand corner of the screen on my blog spot you will see my e-mail address listed as bdmom1155@comcast.net. I no longer have that address and can't figure out how to change it on my blogger profile.

Yes, I'm a dumb ass and need help. Any suggestions?

Yesterday was a fun day.

When I say fun I mean I would have preferred to get my teeth drilled or be forced to watch soap operas rather than deal with the many trials I faced throughout the day.

The first little drama started when I got home from shopping that morning. I bought a little globe key chain because I lost my Jacob Black wolf one, wipe a tear. It was attached to the cardboard display thingie with one of those unbreakable zip ties. I couldn't find any scissors so in one of my most brilliant moments I decided to cut it off with a Ginsu knife.

Dumb Ass.

And I was so surprised when I stabbed myself in the left thumb and couldn't get the blade out because it had lodged in my bone, or something. I finally got it out and stemmed the bleeding. It took about ten minutes to get it to stop gushing. Kale thought it was the coolest thing he had ever seen. And, after he made sure I wasn't' in pain, laughed his little ass off. The funny thing is that the wound doesn't' even hurt anymore. The puncture was very small in size, just pretty deep. I don't even need a band aid anymore.

Good thing my immunizations are up to date or I would be afraid of getting lock jaw.

Also yesterday...

Kale came up to me around an hour after the bloody thumb drama and said his but really itched. Yay Me!!! So I took off his fuzzy sleeper to look. He had broken out in hives all over his little butt and you could literally watch them appear before your eyes. I gave him a bath, and some benadryl disguised as chocolate milk. When he was done I slathered his whole body in La Viola, it's this cream that is the only thing that will help his skin. If you know Kale then you know he loves the taste of it, and I have to constantly fight him to keep the tub of cream away from him while trying to smear it on him at the same time.

So I'm trying to hold on to a slippery child and I dropped the tub where he could get it. He bent over and reached between his feet where it had landed. Unfortunately I was sitting right behind him and his slippery, cream covered ass landed spread right over my face.

I was so mortified that I made the mistake of telling him to get his butt off my face. I thought he was going to choke on his own laughter. Of course, as a boy anything to do with his butt is the funniest thing in the world so he kept trying to put it back on me.

I was trying to tell him that it's not funny, while also trying to hold down my laughter so he wouldn't think I was lying. But he saw me smile and that's all it took for him to pull an Ace Ventura on me. He bent over and pulled his butt cheeks apart to make it look like his behind was talking to me.

I am still haunted by that view. I stopped changing his diapers long ago and I never wanted to see that part of him ever again.

Oh the HORROR!

Dumb Ass.

Yesterday...

I mean hadn't I been through enough in one day?

It never ends!

I went to pick up Phoenix from school. I went to the office to sign him out and the principal did the freakiest thing.

She squealed at me like a teenager in the mall who had just found out her favorite boy band was coming to town. Then she rushed up to me and gave me a hug.

A FREAKING HUG!

We all know how much I love physical contact with strangers.

Again... Yay me!

I was so startled that I froze like a dear caught in the headlights with a look on my face that I only get when I have to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I have no idea what I said to her to make her let go of me but I practically ran away to Phoenix's class to pick him up. We even took the back way out of the school through the playground to stay as far away from where I thought she would be.

Again, like everything else that had happened yesterday, Kale thought it was sooooo funny how I reacted. He even kept calling out for the "Pimple Lady" to get her to come back while Phoenix was whispering, in his loudest stage whisper, "No Kale, Britt is afraid of her, stop!"

I love my kids.

At least I got out of there without running into her again. I just hope she wasn't offended by my traumatized expression or my very loud children announcing my plan to give her the slip.

I just think I'll never go there again. Yeah, that's the ticket. But if I never went where my kids have embarrassed me before then I would never leave the house.

I felt like such a Dumb Ass.

Later
BD

Dumb Ass Friday the 2nd

2009-03-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

Today I have a few stories that clearly fall under the Dumb Ass Friday heading.
1...
On Wednesday I went to work early because the youngest monster was at his grandma's house and, well, I kind of felt like it. When I clean the buildings I listen to my music player full blast and sing with the music in a very loud voice. I know that I can't sing very well, but when I'm alone I feel free enough to sing without embarrassment.
This particular day I noticed that John Krane's truck was still parked in the parking lot. It's not unusual, he has the right to take a company truck home to cover the cost of driving to work, it's in his contract.
I went in and got right to work. While I cleaned the break room I was practically screaming the words to various songs by My Chemical Romance and Breaking Benjamin.
About 15 minutes into my cleaning routine my stomach decided that KFC for dinner was a bad plan and I headed to the bathroom. While I was making the smell of a lifetime I heard the front door slam closed. I thought someone had shown up to work to get something they forgot. After I washed my hands I crept out to see who was there. I couldn't find anyone so I looked outside.
I did a triple take to make sure I was seeing correctly. John Krane's truck was gone! So not only did I have a witness to my very unladylike bathroom stench, he also had to suffer through my singing. I can just imagine him up in his office cringing from the sound of cats being tortured and waiting like a hostage for his chance to escape without getting caught.
He could probably win a law suit against me for mental distress.
Dumb Ass.
2...
Today I had to go get a book that Amoo accidentally had shipped to her work address. Fablehaven, Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary. I left at about six pm. On the way there I almost died in a car accident caused by a postal truck. Not the little delivery ones, the big eighteen wheel cargo trucks. The Denver postal service headquarters is off of that road so I see them all the time and I have to admit, they are the worst drivers I have ever had the misfortune of sharing the road with. It's like they think that white line separating the lanes is a guide that they are supposed to keep the truck right on top of at all times. I wonder if they actually test the driver's eyesight before they let them get behind the wheel?
Anyway,
I was in the right lane when a postal truck drove into the Brinks armor truck behind me and just kept on going as though the driver hadn't noticed the 5,000 pounds of steel it had connected bumpers with. I was so shocked that I almost didn't swerve into the left lane to get out of the death trap coming towards me at 45 miles per hour.
So to the driver of the USPS truck...
DUMB ASS!
3...
While my life was flashing before my eyes Amoo was having a fun time with the kids at home. 15-30 seconds after I pulled out of the driveway Kale came down to her room screaming that he needed to throw up. What you've got to understand is that when Kale's little world is upset he lets you know in his own special way. It's like his feet are on fire and he screams while dancing in place. But he's screaming like Freddy Kruger has him by the balls while explaining to you what is wrong with him so unless you have a holy man to translate his speaking in tongues, or years of experience listening to the babble, then you are lost in the dark.
It's kind of scary to hear the first time. You think he's bleeding or someone has broken into the house, but it turns out that he stubbed his toe or got a paper cut.
Anyway,
Amoo gave him a bucket to throw up in after she deduced that he was trying to tell her he was going to be sick, and he commenced with the gagging. In the middle of this he announced that he needed to pee. So he just pulls down his pants and urinated in her shower while he was heaving. His aim was upset by the retching motions and he went off like a fire hose without someone holding on to it. I mean, the only way he could have topped the grossness factor would be if he had decided to poop on Amoo's feet.
So, when he was done releasing all his bodily fluids he just pulled up his pants and ran happily up the stairs to continue playing, leaving poor Amoo in her bathroom with a shocked and haunted look on her face.
I have experienced similar situations with him and I know it feels like getting struck by lightning. You're just going about your business when something drastic happens and when it's over you can't believe that it just happened to you, or that you survived.
So Kale, while I love you to death, today you are a Dumb Ass.
4...
Dakota... I mean my house is in a perpetual state of chaos when he's here anyway, but today was worse than usual.
Ashton is a boy who lives across the street from us and is a friend of Dakota's. They were playing in the snow together for a while then they came inside to play the Wii. He was probably here for only three hours but something funny happened. Dakota let him eat almost constantly while he was here. I opened a new box of ice cream sandwiches today and they were all gone by three pm. There were twelve in the box so even if everyone in the house had two, which I know didn't happen, they still wouldn't have been gone. An entire box of gushers fruit snacks was consumed and just between Dakota and Ashton they ate eight toaster strudels. Now, I could handle that. I told Ashton that he had to go home and was fully prepared to deal with my anger in a reasonable way.
Dakota, in his infinite wisdom, decided that Ashton could take a $3.99 package of tuna, the family sized one, home with him.
Well why would he do that you ask?
I came home from the store and showed him the package because I knew he liked it a lot, and told him we would have it for dinner. He seemed to think I was telling him that the entire package was for him and Ashton asked him for it, moocher that he is.
Well, I made Dakota and Phoenix clean the living room and the kitchen because I was soooooo pissed off.
I also had to have them remove the lawn chair and various detritus, which doesn't belong to us, from our front yard that Ashton left there.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that the kid likes us. But it would be nice if he didn't eat all our food while he was here.
So, Dakota... Dakota... Dakota...
I love you man, but today you are such a freaking, blinding in your stupidity Dumb to the Ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to the stars.
I mean, you should open a business where you charge well behaved children for teaching them how to irritate their parents enough to get them to pull their own hair out. Think about all those kids trying to get their rich parents to pay attention to them.
No really, it could work.

Just now Dakota came down here to read what I was writing about him while Kale farts on my lap and laughs so hard he starts choking. Now Dakota is pretend farting by blowing on his arm while aiming his ass at me to make me think he's trying to kill me. The sad thing is that I noticed his ass cheeks clench when he makes the raspberry sound like he really is trying to push something out. Phoenix is upstairs taking a bath so I can hear him turning the water on full blast for three seconds then turns it off. And repeating that until I'm ready to kill him just to make the pipes stop squealing.
This is my life, isn't it grand?
Later
BD

Dumb Ass Friday... Again

2009-03-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

I am such a Dumb Ass!

Not long after I posted my last blog I got a call from Phoenix's school. They wanted to know why he hadn't been in school at all this week. I explained to them that I received a calendar at the end of last month showing what the kids would be served for lunch every day. On this calendar the week beginning March 16th and ending the 20th was blacked out and it said over the black days, "NO SCHOOL FOR SPRING BREAK"

I thought that meant he had no school this week. Am I truly stupid? Is that some kind of code I was supposed to interpret as, "Not this week, next week?" If I could find the thing I would take a picture of it and add it to this post. Or take it to the school and ask the principal what the fuck? But I can't find it, so I won't.

The secretary from his school said that the calendar was a mistake and they had sent home a new one. I asked what day they sent it and she told me it was sent home March 13th. I checked Phoenix's backpack and saw no such paper. Which, of course, does not mean he was not given the flier to bring home. It's very possible he lost it on the bus ride home.

I asked the woman why it wasn't sent in the Thursday folder. (See, it's this folder they send home every Thursday and whatever is inside the parents have to read and sign a paper showing they reviewed the enclosed material.) The woman said they were too busy to get it out one day earlier. I then asked her why they waited until Friday to find out why he was absent every day this week. She didn't really answer my question. Normally if Phoenix is absent and I forget to call they call me before school ends the same day.

I also asked her if any other children had been absent this whole week and she said, "Oh, a few."

Am I the only one that sees a problem with this? Now I look like the stupidest parent in the world and Phoenix has missed FIVE days of school in a row. Plus he has all next week off, for spring break of course, so he's having a two week vacation I guess.

I am so pissed off!

Now I know never to post my Dumb Ass Friday blog until the day is over.

Hey, if you have a story of when your kid's school has dropped the ball, please add it as a comment to this post. It will make me feel better to know that my son's school is not the only stupid one in the world. But I think we all know that it is, hands down, no contenders, the STUPIDEST of them all. Maybe there's a prize for that.

I should work on getting them nominated.

Later
BD

Dumb Ass Friday

2009-03-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love reading my sister's "Not Me Monday" blogs and have contemplated doing one of my own. The problem with that thought is that I believe Monday's are the Antichrist. Something that needs to be tortured and sacrificed for it's very existence. Plus if I went into all the things I did wrong in one week we would be here forever.

So, in the spirit of "Not Me Monday" I have decided to make myself a "Dumb Ass Friday" blog.

I'm going to pick the stupidest, most embarrassing thing I've done this week and lay it all out for everyone to see. You know, cleanse my colon...er... I mean, cleanse my soul.

My family is always bugging me to blog more so this will force me to get my ass to the computer at least once a week. And the usual everyday stuff that happens in life can be way too funny.

So today is DUMB ASS FRIDAY and this is the dumbest thing I did this week:

Yesterday Sparky came to get Kale so Phoenix was feeling a little lonely without his brother. And that means I was on the entertainment committee. We played Star Wars Battlefront II for almost two hours. When I couldn't feel my fingers anymore I decided to take him on a walk.

(I know right. Britt took a walk for no reason, weird.)

I had to go to Safeway and pick up my prescription anyway so I figured we could just walk down to the store and back. It's really not that far and it only took about 45 minutes to get there.

My first dumb ass moment:

I am a born and practiced procrastinator. Yesterday I HAD to do laundry because all my clothes were dirty except for a very few pieces that I usually only wear to work because it doesn't matter if they get bleach on them. Of course when I decided to leave all my newest and best looking clothes were in the dryer and not even close to being done.

Dumb Ass

So being the idiot that I am I put on a pair of jeans that I knew were ending there stay here on the earth and were very worn but not yet showing any holes. I thought they would at least last until I got home.

Dumb Ass

Anyway, Phoenix and I had a lot of fun on our walk. The sun was shining, which I despise, but there was a very nice cool breeze blowing so it was pleasant enough that I could stand the sun. We found a few feathers to put in our journal and some rocks that he really liked. Also a few flowers and even some very small branches from a juniper bush and a pine tree. We looked at one of our neighbor's front lawn and discovered they had a small pond with a bunch of those really big goldfish living in it. Phoenix took some pictures of it with my phone so I can't post them. He also found a stick that really looked like a sword so he was just tickled.

When we were about 3/4 of the way to the store I felt a hole in my pants between my legs on the right. It was weird, it didn't rip it was just suddenly there. Being female and having the body of a woman who has borne two children my thighs rub together when I walk.

The hole in my jeans acted like a very smooth grained sand paper. If you rub it on your skin once or twice it won't do any harm but if you rub it over and over it will take your skin off.

My second dumb ass moment:

I decided we were almost there so we might as well just keep on going.

Dumb Ass!

By the time we got to the store Phoenix said he was ready for a break so we sat in the shade of the entrance to the store after I picked up my prescription. We drank from the bottle of water I brought and waited until he was ready to start walking again.

Every step I took I payed very close attention to how the skin felt on my right thigh. And slowly I felt my skin getting rubbed raw. To distract myself from the discomfort I helped Phoenix look for more bird feathers and cool looking rocks.

When we were half way home, back at the pond, my leg was bleeding down almost to the knee. The pain was amazing. It was like I had gotten a tattoo between my legs and hadn't put any ointment or cream on it. I once got a nasty cat scratch on a fresh tattoo and it felt just like this. Only my wound yesterday was far bigger than just a scratch.

By the time we got home I was ready to cry. Phoenix was so very tired of walking so he had complained non-stop beginning at the pond. He was sure I was trying to kill him and he made me call Amoo to tell her to bring home a candy bar for him.

Because he is my child he knows that chocolate can make almost anything better.

I opened every window in the house to let in the breeze and left him playing Sly Cooper 3.

When I got to my bathroom I couldn't even get the pants off because the frayed material had mixed with my blood and dried. So I had to cut them off of me. I have to admit it gave me a small measure of comfort, destroying the article of clothing that caused me so much pain. I'm a neanderthal at heart.

I took a shower to clean up and almost passed out when I put soap on the raw flesh. I was seriously seeing stars shooting across my field of vision.

My clothes were dry by then so I put on the softest pair of pajamas I had commando style. I was not about to drag on underwear just so it could rub on that spot some more.

The shower helped a lot with the pain I also made myself a glass of ice water and held it between my legs until it was numb... heaven.

I drink a lot of water every day. So when I woke up this morning my bladder was screaming. I was half asleep when I got to the bathroom and didn't remember that I had a wound to be careful around.

The biggest dumb ass moment:

I just yanked my pants down and with the pants came half the scab that had dried into the fabric. In that moment I was in so much pain that my life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was going to die for a split second. I almost lost bladder control but the pain that would have brought to the wound kept my muscles clenched tight.

When I was done cleaning up the blood that had gushed from the raw flesh I looked at myself in the mirror and burst into laughter. My forehead and the tip of my nose was sunburned. I look like Rudolph.

So yeah... I'm a dumb ass. Let this be a lesson to all you gals out there. Don't go on a walk unless your jeans are in perfect condition. And wear sunblock!

Later
BD

Seeing RED.

2009-03-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

So my sister turned me on to these books written by J.R. Ward "The Black Dagger Brotherhood" series. I have to admit that Amoo the Almighty was the one who got me the first book, from a thrift store. (Who's the ultimate bargain shopper? Oh yeah... it's her!) Once I read the first one I was hooked. So now we have the first three and I was reading the third one about Zsadist when something very weird happened.
Rehvenge is the brother of the main female character named Bella. He was driving in his Bentley when he had a kind of attack. Everything turned red, he got all panicked and had to inject himself with dopamine to make it stop.
What struck me about it was it has happened to me before.
When I was a little baby I had seizures every day and was pretty sick for the first five or six years of my life. I don't remember very much of it besides the ear pain from the constant ear infections and the terror of breathing a sedative gas when I got my tonsils out.
One thing I do remember was one night sitting on my mom's water bed. I was looking at the big wooden headboard and all of a sudden I saw red. I know I was out of it because I remember someone talking to me but I couldn't answer. I saw everything around me and thought I was in an Atari game. As a child that was all I could compare it to. Now I know it was because everything lost it's depth. It was all two dimensional.
I also remember the stark fear. I was so afraid of the red. I kept looking around me at the room I was in, searching for a speck of color to break up the bloody scene. I was terrified that I wouldn't come back from the place I was seeing. I was scared that I would be there forever and I felt so damn alone and exposed.
For most of my adult life I thought it was a nightmare or maybe I had imagined it. But I never forgot that moment and I have sometimes feared that it would come back one day.
I wonder, now, if I was having a small seizure that night. I never remembered any of them so I wonder if that's what it's like to have all your neurons firing at once.
Scary as hell.
Anyway if you want to read what it was like the book is:
Lover Awakened by J.R. Ward
And the scene starts on page #207 and ends on page #209
Later
BD

Blogger Templates

2009-02-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, that's it!
Up with this shit I will not put!
Why in the hell can't I find a website with free blogger templates that don't suck? Pyzam has a few that are alright but if you use them all of your accessories and links disappear! My sister sent me to a website called "The cutest blog on the block" but they all sucked the big green weenie. (sorry Tobi but I am so not into the scrapbook look.) I want artsie in a deadly and dark sort of way type of layout.
Is that really too much to ask?
Later
BD

Chicken Enchiladas.

2009-02-23T15:09:00.000-08:00

I couldn't get the camera before Amoo snagged her portion of dinner and dessert. Just imagine the missing pieces filled with similar looking substance.

Amoo requested that I make her enchiladas for dinner so I thought I would share this recipe with the world. It's so freakin' easy and so very yummy. Every warm, gooey bite sends a signal to my brain that says, 'happy, yummy, Mommy loves you goodness.'
My mom has made this for my family our entire life so I have always associated the taste with comfort and love.

The Easiest Enchiladas:

*Preheat oven to 350 Fahrenheit
*Spray 9x13 pan with Pam
*Boil five boneless skinless chicken breasts until thoroughly cooked ( about 2 hours on medium in lots of water )
*Drain chicken and shred the meat into a large mixing bowl
( if it doesn't shred it's not done cooking )
*Open two cans cream of chicken soup, one can full of sour cream (just fill one of the empty cans of soup with sour cream to measure) one small can of diced green chillies. Add all to the bowl of chicken and stir until blended.
*Place two heaping spoon fulls of mixture onto flour tortillas, roll and place in 9x13 pan.
*Pour one, (or two depending on how spicy you like it,) cans of mild green enchilada sauce over the rolled tortillas in pan.
*Sprinkle liberally with shredded cheddar cheese.
*Bake at 350 for 20 - 28 minutes, just long enough to warm it up.
*Serve with a smile and lots of laughter, (really it's the only way to do it properly.)

The best part of this dish is that it's great for parties where you know there's going to be people who can't stand hot Mexican food. But it's good enough to still appeal to the spicy food lovers, which I happen to be.
So, there it be.
It's loaded with fat and probably the main cause of clogged arteries in my family, but hot damn! It's so good.

Okay so you're probably asking yourself, "What's up with the chocolate cake?"

I originally made a yellow cake but for some reason it fell and burned because it was so thin. I'm like Bella's mom when it comes to cooking. Success is a random occurrence and half the time what I make is inedible. I still wanted cake for dessert so I made this chocolate one.

Later
BD

Queen of the glowing computer screen.

2009-02-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

Okay. I need help.
I send my humble supplications out to Tobi the unchallenged expert of all things bloggish. Can you show me how to change my profile without having to re-do all my links and stuff?
I am most unworthy of your glorious intervention but will gladly offer up my eldest son as a sacrifice to your holiness. Can I convince you to ask for both my kids as a sacrifice?
Seriously, my blog spot is getting on my nerves and I need to fick it. Please tell me how, oh knowledgeable queen of the glowing computer screen.
I shall place sacred incense at the four compass points around the computer desk while I await your merciful assistance.
Later
BD

Who's the biggest BASTARD on the planet? Oh yeah... that's me.

2009-02-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

It all started about a week ago when Phoenix started having severe tooth pain. He said it was the tooth in the very back on the bottom of the left side. I looked at it, and Amoo looked at it. It looked fine except there was a bit of gum over the edge of the tooth so we figured it just hurt because the tooth was cutting through the gums.

This past Saturday he woke up at 4:30 am screaming because it hurt so badly. I gave him ibuprofen and took his temperature because he felt very, very hot. He was running a fever of 102.5 and the left side of his jaw was swollen. I took him to the E.R. and they gave him some antibiotics. They thought his jaw was infected and instructed me to keep the dental appointment I had already scheduled for Tuesday.

By Sunday all of his pain was gone so it definitely was an infection.

Today we went to the dentist and for it being their first time we did pretty well. Kale only tried to bite off one finger.

Kale's teeth were perfect and had no cavities.

Phoenix's teeth were all fine except for the upper left tooth in the back. He never said it hurt on the top so we never thought to look up there, even the doctors at the E.R. didn't check there.

That one tooth had a cavity so large it was abscessed and had to be removed. We made an appointment for 1 pm the same day and went to lunch. After lunch I took the boys to walmart so they could pick out a pity toy. (You know, I feel bad for taking them to the dentist and letting them be tortured by evil nurses with sharp objects so... they get a toy.)

When we got back to the dentist I found out that I couldn't be in the same room as Phoenix. If it had been just me I could have but with Kale it was impossible. He would jump around and bump someone and the Novocaine would end up in someones eye, or something just as devastating.

Anyway...

I felt bad enough having to subject my eldest to a tooth extraction at his tender age, but when I was told I had to wait in the hall it felt like a mule had kicked me in the chest.

The whole time I worried and didn't even pay much attention to Kale who was sticking his head in each of the examination rooms to see who was getting a shot in their mouth or to ask each patient if they were getting laughing gas. The idea of a gas making you laugh entertained him to no end.

Of course, the nurse telling me to wait in the chairs didn't stop me from checking on Phoenix six or seven times in the 30 minutes he was in the room. There was a little window in the door so I could look through. And let me tell you what a terrible idea that was. Every spot of blood and every tear that fell from his eyes felt like a blow to my stomach. It was torture. Eventually I had to sit down and stop checking on him when one of the nurses asked me if I could keep Kale out of the drawers full of supplies. At last when he was done I asked the dentist if we could keep the tooth so I could hang it up in the bathroom. That way he will have a reminder of what happens when you don't brush your teeth correctly.

Normally they don't allow that because the infection from the tooth could spread if handled. But they wanted him to have a reminder of this experience too so they put it in a sealed sterile container and made me promise never to take it out. I'm going to get a picture frame for it and hang it up next to the mirror in the kids' bathroom.

I tried to get a decent picture of the whole in his tooth but I don't dare take it out of the plastic envelope so it kind of sucks.

The dark spot facing down is the cavity. It's huge!

Anyway...

So I feel like the biggest bastard on the planet today. I allowed my six year old to be tortured. Sure it was for his own good and prevented him further pain but it was still traumatizing. Maybe I should let him hit me.

Later
BD

Brown and runny again...

2008-11-24T10:44:00.000-08:00

I had a kind of traumatic night.
Phoenix had a tooth that was hanging on by a thread and he wouldn't let me pull it out. So I had to sit on him to pin his arms down and yank it out with my fingers. He screamed so loud! I was very surprised that the police or social services didn't show up at my door. If we lived in a better neighborhood perhaps they would have.
Anywho...
After they went to bed I went to work, which, for once, started out pleasant. I should have known that something was brewing. When work seems too easy it usually means it's going to get worse eventually.
It did.
I carried the vacuum up the stairs, for obvious reasons, and noticed a trail of dirt and gravel, which is forever in that damned building, leading up the stairs I had just climbed. I knew something was wrong with the machine so I took it apart.
It shouldn't have been so hard to find an X screwdriver in a building full of tools but I really couldn't find a single one, not even a flat head. I had to improvise. I used Amoo's letter opener as a screwdriver, sorry Mom, to take the hose off and check if it was clogged. It wasn't clogged but everything I had sucked up the last time I had used the vacuum came flying out onto the carpet. It came out as a big cloud and POOF! I had to dust everything in the room and sweep the tiled area to the right. I took the bottom half of the stupid cleaner apart and didn't find any clogs either, just more dirt and gravel. I even smacked the filters on the inside to make sure air could pas through them. I put everything back together and swept up what I could. Unfortunately the dirt that came out of the hose had a very orange tint and it looked like I went through that office tossing dried clay dust over my shoulder, which wasn't too far from the truth. I tried the stupid vacuum again, thinking that after cleaning it out it would work again, but the damned thing wouldn't suck!
In a last ditch effort I went into the owner's bathroom and took his mini shop-vac. When it turned on I let out a shout of joy. That man will never throw anything away even if it doesn't work. He has office equipment that could probably be sold as antiques.
Anyway...
The hose had an upholstery attachment but it was only about four inches wide. So it took me two hours to vacuum that damned place. Who knows how old the filter was on that thing? I have used shop-vacs before and normally they have an astonishing amount of power. Maybe this was the first one ever made or perhaps the filter needed changing, but it just wouldn't pick up all the filth on the floor.
When I had gone over the same spots several times and they weren't getting any better, and when my back wouldn't stop cramping from being on my knees for so long, I gave up.
I waxed the floor in Amoo's office, took out the trash and got out of there before I could fuck anything else up.
Normally it only takes about three hours for me to do my job, that's even if I'm stripping and waxing the floors. Last night I got to work at 8:25 pm and I didn't lock up until 1 am.
When I got home I immediately striped off my filthy clothes and showered. All I wanted was my bed and I plopped down with a great sigh of relief, only to shoot strait back up and out with a barely controlled shriek of surprise.
My damned cats knocked my glass of water off the head of my bed while I was getting cleaned up, of course a full one, and soaked everything. I stripped the bed and had to sleep with and unfitted sheet beneath me and one of the boys' fuzzy blankets. (you know, the ones that aren't long enough for adults)
After I got settled in my newly dried bed I started reading Twilight. Everybody knows I can't sleep without reading something no matter how sleepy I am.
As usual I got engrossed and didn't put it down until around 3 am. As soon as I felt myself drifting off I realized I had forgotten to bring home the money for Phoenix's tooth from Amoo's work. Damn me! No, damn the vacuum cleaner and it's refusal to suck!
I had to give him a fully silver half-dollar that I've had since before he was born. I have a collection of coins like that and it pained me greatly to give it to him, he's not supposed to get it until I die. Well, he and Kale each get half.
Does it make me a bad mother to want to switch the money when he goes to the dollar store to spend it? That coin is probably worth about $50, not 50 cents.
So that was my night. Everything I touched turned brown and runny...
Oh well, at least it makes me appreciate the easy days.
Later
BD

Welcome oh condemned ones... to the seventh circle of hell! MUHAHAHAAAA!!!

2008-11-08T18:10:00.000-08:00

Today was a trial of torture and endurance. If you are a parent then you know that when I say Chucky Cheese I'm really referring to the seventh circle of hell.
We promised the boys if they were good we would take them to the dreaded CC's. They were very good all week so we decided to take them. Amoo had to take Xandra and her friend to see High School Musical 3 and to Target and the mall to spend her birthday gift cards. (Another experience that can be compared to hell.)
By the time they got home from their adventure she, Amoo, had that wide eyed sort of shell shocked look on her face. We didn't have time for her to tell me how it went because the boys were jonesing for their CC and got in the car the second it was parked. Kale, of course, fell asleep three seconds after we left the drive way so I had to wake him up when we got there. If you know him then you know I would rather cut off a limb then wake him up before he's ready. But if I had let him sleep he would have missed CC's and he never would have let me live that down.
We went in, got stamped and I spent $50 on pizza and tokens. Today is Saturday and everyone and their dog was at CC's with their kids. There were probably six birthdays in the two and a half hours we were there. I hated every minute of it, I'm not very big on crowds of people I don't know.
Everything was fine for about forty minutes.
Que the ominous music...Da da daaaaaaa!
This child came up to us while Phoenix was on the helicopter bicycle ride and just stood there. I assumed he was waiting in line for the ride so I just ignored him. After a while he got my attention, pointed to Kale and asked if he was my son. I said yes he was. The boy didn't say anything else so I just turned back to watch Phoenix on his ride.
After another pause he got my attention again and said that Kale scratched him on the face while they were climbing in the hamster tubes. I said I was sorry and told Kale to say it too. He did, but he's a three year old, he didn't sound like he meant it. What did they expect from a child with the attention span of a fruit fly?
After we both apologized he just stood there looking a me with a blank look on his face, like he was expecting something else. Again, after a pause I asked him if there was something else he wanted. He again told me that Kale scratched him on the face, which I couldn't see any sign of. I reminded him that we had both just said we were sorry and what else did he want me to do?
This is where the mask of the idiot child dropped, though I still think he's an idiot. I know it's not nice to say that about a child, but I'm sure you'll understand by the end of this story.
But I digress...
He threw his arms above his head and said, "I don't fucking know but my damn face is a fucked up now because of him!"
It was like he expected me to flog my three year old for his amusement.
As soon as he cursed at me I told him to go away and turned around to help Phoenix with his stupid ride.
About two minutes later the cro-magnum child came back with all of his relatives including his mother who has a mouth the size of the grand canyon.
I asked him what he wanted and he started cursing at me again saying that he didn't appreciate me turning away from him while he was talking to me. Like I owe him some kind of respect. I told him that I don't deal with anyone who talks to me or my children like that.
Then the mother had to interfere.
(Oh, let me explain that this child that Kale 'assaulted' was three times his size. He was way bigger than Phoenix both in height and girth, and my eldest weighs 65 pounds.)
The mother said I should give him my attention when her 'baby' was 'speaking at me.' Can you feel the intelligence radiating from her?
I told her exactly what he said to me and exactly what I said to him. She just nodded her head then looked at me like she expected something. So again I asked what she wanted me to do about it. She said I should let her son hit my son. I shit you not, it's what she said. There was a whole group of people watching us by then and some of them gasped in shock. I mean who in the hell would suggest such a thing?
I told her that her son was three times Kale's size and if he so much as touched him I would have him arrested. Then she started repeating herself over and over. You know, what ignorant people do when they're arguing and can't think of anything to say.
With her head bobbing from side to side she started yelling swear words at me and both of my kids. She insulted us in every way then started taking steps toward us. Anyone who knows me understands that I have a very bad temper, and anyone who has kids would understand what happens to your brain when your child is threatened. The red haze started coming down over my vision.
I felt it coming on so I held out my hand to get her to stop and told her to back the fuck off. (The first curse out of my mouth since leaving the house.)
She started yelling the curses at me again telling me not to push at her and I couldn't tell her what to do. And if I didn't let her son hit mine she would take him and beat the hell out of him herself.
When she paused for a breath I asked her, as I walked away, "Does threatening a three year old make you feel big and strong? You're pathetic."
I went to the manager and told her that if she didn't want me to start a fight in her restaurant she should go tell that woman to back off and not threaten my kids ever again.
It was so sad because when I pointed out the stupid woman she sighed and said, "Yeah, I know who you're talking about."
She actually knew who she was.
Now here's where the woman's intelligence really shines through...
The manager went to the woman who was standing by our table. I made my way over there to make sure she wasn't going to steal the kids' tokens or spit in there food, or something. The manager told her that she couldn't threaten people, especially children in her restaurant. Again the woman told the manager that she couldn't tell her what to do and she wanted to give that 'little shit' what he deserved.
The manager told her that if she didn't stop yelling and cursing she would have to leave.
The ignorant woman just repeated herself that she couldn't tell her what to do, and that she needed to get the fuck out of her face.
The manager told the woman to leave and the dumb ass woman just stood there repeating herself. Finally she told the woman to leave or she would call the police.
Can you guess what she did? She repeated herself and then, to my surprise slapped the manager in the face.
I about fell over dead.
The manager handled it better than I would have. I would have had her on the floor with her neck in my hands.
She just walked away while the woman called her a bitch and a cunt and stupid.
About five minutes later the cops showed up. They handcuffed the stupid woman and dragged her out of the place while she screamed that they had no reason to take her away. One of the cops had to stay to tell her family that they had seen her hit the manager on tape and that if they wanted to see her they could call the county jail.
Her family, the intelligence must be hereditary, tried arguing with the police man in a very hostile way. The cop told them if they didn't back off he would arrest them all. When they said there were no cameras he pointed up to the ceiling and said that all the black orbs were cameras.
Everyone knows what they are, how could they not?
Anyway, after they left the kids and I redeemed their tickets and picked out a prize. On the drive home Phoenix asked me why those people were so mean. I said they were just stupid people.
When we got home Amoo and I traded horror stories about our day. I have to admit, even though I had a horrible time at CC's I still think I had it easier than she did. I'm pathologically afraid of the mall and I would rather have a tooth pulled without pain relief than watch a High School Musical movie.
Got any horror stories about your kids? Share people. But it has to be true.

Halloween

2008-11-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

Halloween was a lot of work but it ended up being a whole lot of fun.

Amoo was a crane operator with hairy armpits and manly chest hairs.

I was the joker. With a little help from an instructional video on You Tube the make up turned out really well.
Phoenix was Anakin Skywalker. It was too warm to wear his Jedi robe but he was adorable.

Kale was superman. We sprayed his hair black and gave him blue tips. Before I added the blue he looked exactly like Phoenix. I will never understand how I got a blond child.

We went to the trunk-or-treat at Amoo's church. In spite of my disguise everyone saw me as an outsider and had to know who I was. Everyone was very nice and I even had a little battle with a six year old Batman. Kale and Phoenix had so much fun with all the little kids. I hate to admit it but I just may take them to more church functions so they can interact with other kids that speak English.

As I explained to, I think it was the primary president, I don't have any kind of animosity toward Mormon people. And it's a lot safer to take my kids around a single parking lot instead of to the drug dealer's house across the street and the gang bangers two doors down.
Amoo and I got to color the tablecloth with the boys, which I'm going to keep forever, and the kids had so much fun going around to everyone's cars.

They got so much candy that Kale's candy bucket broke under the pressure and we had to empty them out halfway through. I guess one of the church members works for a candy company and they were giving out giant hand fulls of candy. I am so not exaggerating. I would post a picture of the haul but Dakota spent the night and had half of it eaten by the time I got up this morning.

Anyway...

It was just too much fun and we all had a blast. I'm even looking foreword to it next year, even though I felt extremely uncomfortable around so many church going folk. I was terrified that they would immediately recognize me as a sinner and descend upon me with bibles and missionaries ready to save my wretched soul. Toward the end I even felt comfortable enough to help clean up the auditorium without mom.

Not that she would have shielded me from the 'choose the righters.' She still thinks me coming back to the church is possible, and while I love her for her optimism in my personality, it's just not going to happen.

I hope everyone had as much fun as we did.

Later

Costumes!!! Yay!!!

2008-10-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

WARNING:

BEFORE READING THE FOLLOWING PLEASE NOTE THAT THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY AND ALL ADVERSE REACTIONS TO THE CUTENESS CONTAINED HEREIN.

VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK!

The boys have picked out there costumes and I just can't stand the cuteness!

Phoenix is going to be Anakin Skywalker. The costume is pretty basic so we got him a leather belt to hang his light saber from and we also went to the thrift store and got an old graduation robe in black. We will shorten it and sew a hood out of the scraps and he will have a Jedi robe.

I just can't handle the level of cute... I may overload.

Kale picked a superman costume that he refuses to take off unless he has to pee or take a bath, and even then we have to fight with him to get it off. We went around to four stores today with him all dressed up as his favorite super hero. Every time he walks anywhere he puts his hands out in front of him like he's flying and makes zooming sound effects.

Needless to say everyone who saw him had to tell us how cute he was. And, of course, he ate it up.

Both of their costumes need to be shortened a bit but other than that they're perfect. I'm not sure how I will get my hands on Kale's long enough to hem it up. I may have to do the midnight "Mission Impossible" thing. I wish I could drug him because that's the only way I'll be able to get it off him without waking him up.

Pray for me.

Here are the pictures.

Again... I am not responsible if you can't handle the cuteness.

My little monster from Hell.

2008-10-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

Kale...

Oh, my son Kale...

He has added an entirely new realm of disorder to my life.

Would I want it any other way? HELL NO!

Every morning he wakes up screaming for Amoo not to leave him. He runs up the stairs, crying and stumbling, to her room and latches himself to her so she can't leave without him. If she so much as uses the toilet without him knowing he starts screaming her name and searching for her frantically.

Why does he do this?

He says he wants to use the car so he won't have to walk with me when I take Phoenix to his bus stop. Or that he wants her to take him to the store and buy him a doughnut, another valid excuse.

But, honestly, I think he wants her to stay home all day with him and make me go to work during the days. Think about it. Who's more fun? Your mom or your grandmother? It's stupid that I even have to ask.

I make him eat cereal and only allow him two sippies of chochate noute, she lets him eat gummy bears and chips for breakfast. All he has to do to get what he wants with her is to make that tea kettle noise. I've heard it all day every day since he turned one so I'm more immune than she is.

If you've met Kale, you've heard that noise. So you know that it makes your eardrums vibrate and the sound waves travel to your spine making you cringe involuntarily. That sound could be sold as a weapon to the us government.

When he does it in public we get looked at like we're the worst parents in the world. It seriously sounds like we are breaking his little fingers off one by one, or torturing his puppy. So naturally people think we are monsters who enjoy the misery and agony of an innocent three year old.

How could we?

It's Halloween time now and Kale is, all of a sudden, terrified of the decorations that turn on for this particular holiday. He used to love everything to do with Halloween. His father lets him watch Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street and does it scare him? No.

He has Freddy Kruger and Pinhead masks that he plays with all year round and none of that bothers him.

But lord help us all if you try to take him to the Halloween section of any store. This year they have these little two foot dolls that rip their own heads off when you get too close. I, of course, thought he would be delighted by it. He crawled up into my arms faster than I thought was possible.

Now any time we go to any store I have to hold his hand and chant:

"We won't go to the Halloween section... they can't hurt you... I won't let them get you."

People at Albertson's and Walmart even know him and, if they can, will stand between him and the scary things. One very nice woman noticed how terrified he was and went over to the display, pulled down a doll and turned it off. She then poked it in the eye and twisted his arm to show Kale that it's just a toy.

He thought it was hilarious seeing his arch-nemesis beaten, but he still won't go anywhere near them.

If Amoo or I want anything Halloween we have to go in the middle of the night or she goes on her lunch break. All that sneaking around makes me feel almost dirty, like I should be ashamed of the black candles or the gummy eye balls I'm buying.

So sad.

Anyway...

Why is he a little monster from hell?

Well, if you've been paying attention to my words then you know why he's a monster. But why is he from hell? By his own admission.

How did that happen?

Well...

Amoo is making a bumble bee costume for the pea pod princess and yesterday she brought the wings home so we could try them out and plan what alterations need to be made. Kale was the only one small enough to try them on and while he modeled them for us started talking about how the wings were all wrong.

He says they're too girly and need feathers.

When I asked what kind of feathers he said black and red or black and green. He most certainly doesn't want white because "I'm no angel."

I then asked him, "Are you a demon?"

To which he replied, "Yes, I'm a demon from hell."

After I stopped laughing I tried to convince him that he's not from hell, but he would have none of it. He says he's a demon from hell and damn it, he means it.

Isn't he just the cutest damn thing you ever saw? I don't have the heart to tell him not to say hell because he's not cursing. He's using the word the way it should be used. Smart of him.

So maybe he will be a demon for Halloween, but I'm sure once we get to Target he will decide on Jin Jan Jones or a Clone Trooper or something like that.

Later-

Through the Fire and Flames

2008-09-28T15:21:00.000-07:00

I have survived the 6th birthday of my oldest son Phoenix. It was an adventure and Amoo and I should get some kind of award for patience.

It all started last night. Kale was at his grandmas house for the day and Phoenix was bored. I consider it bad form to punish a child so close to a day that's supposed to be all for him, so I swallowed my anger at his behavior as best I could. Eventually, after the third or fourth hour of his whining about being bored, Amoo snapped and said if he didn't stop she was going to have to make him clean, or take a nap.

He just wouldn't shut up.

We wanted to take him to a movie to make up for the lack of entertainment his brother normally provides, but there wasn't anything good playing. Igor was but it had just started when I looked, and the next showing didn't start until well after 8 pm. The only other movie he would have been interested in was Batman, but it's rated PG-13 and I wasn't sure if it would give him nightmares or not.

We settled for a run to the store and rented movies from the Red Box. He picked out some Sonic X cartoon and I got Speed Racer and The Forbidden Kingdom. He loved all three.

When we got home I made him an arrangement of treats as though we were in a theatre. Unfortunately he ate the Almond Joy and fruit snacks before I could snap a picture of our LOAD.

Surprisingly he did not make himself sick.
The above mentioned load consisted of two kinds of potato chips, popcorn, rainbow Twizlers, Kit Kats, Almond Joys and fruit snacks. Oh and we had three kinds of soda. I drank water. I probably would have gone into a sugar coma had I went with the soda.
I had to go to work last night at 9 so Amoo stayed with him and they watched The Forbidden Kingdom. When I got home, at 1 am, he was passed out in her bed. They were both sideways and Phoenix took up 2/3 of the bed while she was huddled up at the foot of it like an obedient pet or something.
At work I had to wax the floors and because of the 2+ years of neglect they've suffered you have to do it the old fashioned way or it ends up looking like you wiped your nose on the tile. So after spending over an hour scrubbing floors I got to come home and carry my 68 pound son down to his bed. The toys littering the stairs added a bit of blind terror to an already dangerous adventure.

ADVENTURE!!!

Today when Amoo got home from church we lit the candles and sang him Hippo Birdie You You. Mom had the idea to make strawberry short cakes instead of traditional cake, and it was bloody brilliant! He loved it, and almost made himself sick on it.

So, at last count, these are the presents he got:

Indiana Jones Lego for the Wii

The Internet

Ten dollars

Three pots of play dough

A couple books

A Star Wars Clone Wars shirt and a Star Wars Force Unleashed shirt

and last but not least...

A Belly Ache!

I mean, what kids birthday would be complete if they didn't get sick from all the goodies they eat? It's just not right. Besides, I never would have learned to moderate my intake of junk foods if Mom never let me do the same. It teaches you.

Gotta go...

Later

Phoenix

2008-09-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

So Phoenix is turning 6 on Sunday.
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, to YOU, YOU, YOU!
Let us take this moment to give praise to the one and only master of destruction and chaos known to his intimates as Phoenix.
I have to admit he has calmed down quite a lot in the breaking things department.
REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES............
We are at Wells Fargo and while standing in line Phoenix takes apart a counter with a light in it and is handing us the pieces. The bank teller asks if he has any tools. No, of course I wouldn't arm him with tools. He does, however have a small stuffed bear. Does that count?
We are at Albertson's picking out a coloring book and he takes the screws out of the display rack and hands you a two foot fluorescent light bulb. Again, does he have any tools? No. He just naturally senses the structural weaknesses in any object and exploits them to cause the most fun.
Phoenix spilling milk in the carpet and rather than admit it to me covers it up until the rotten smell draws me to the spot with every cleaning chemical and disinfectant known to modern man.
Phoenix peeling a huge hole in the paint next to his bed and hiding the pieces under Kale's bed, "Oh, Mom won't notice that two foot circle of bare wall," and then blaming Kale for it. If it's under his bed then he must have been the one. Even though we all know Phoenix had a compulsive need to pick at things. Amoo and I have numerous bloody spots on our feet where he gets a little carried away picking at the dead skin. If you say "ouch" and tell him to stop he does, for about three seconds, and then starts digging even harder than before.
Phoenix takeing a permanent red marker attached to a string and spining it round so violently that it sprays on the freshly painted living room walls.
Phoenix throwing all of his, and his brother's, toys on the roof and said it happened in a dream. He has no idea how any of that got up there.
Phoenix taking the full bottle of Windex and spraying the entire kitchen, without wiping any up, until he and his giggling brother can't stand up strait on the very slippery floor.
Phoenix singing... I mean WOW!
If you have ever heard that boy sing you truly know what the term anguish means. It's so cute that I don't have the heart to tell him how bad it sounds. And it is bad.
You can tell he's my son because I can't sing either. But we both seem to get pleasure out of belting out a tune, no matter how off key or off tempo we are.
Anyway...
He has learned to stop doing those things that get him in the most trouble, for the most part.
He does, however, seem to think he is much more intelligent than I am, and feels no qualms about telling me how stupid I am.
This usually happens when he's lost something and I tell him where it is. It doesn't matter if the lost item was actually where I said it was, I'm still stupid for putting it there. Because you know, I love to wear his Spiderman crocks and I just can't get enough of playing with his Bakugan.
He is a pain in the ass sometimes, but he's my pain in the ass and I love him.
A lot!
Later

After My Own Heart

2008-09-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

Xandra has a black room.

Yes the queen of pink has moved on to the darker side of girliness, and I have to admit, it looks great.

The black background makes the bright pink jump out at you. It says "I'm a girlie girl, but don't fuck with me."

Amoo and I are trying to decide if we want to put pink skull and crossbones or paw prints on the walls. Maybe a little of both.

She just put in the new curtains two days ago and wow, they really make the room glow. I am so not joking! When the sun shines through the windows it reflects the pink light off the black walls and gives it an eerie, yet feminine aura.

Personally it creeps me out. We all know how much I love the color pink. But I think I like it more because it creeps me out. I think she likes it more for the same reason. We've never seen eye to eye on her style of anything and she loves to make me help Amoo with the latest pink atrocity taking shape in our house.

Amoo had me splatter the very tall cabinet with pink paint and I may hate the color but it just goes so well in the room. The cabinet, by the way, was made in Denver over 100 years ago. I originally painted it black and had it in my room, but it was too large and was covering too much of my pretty walls. Plus it was screaming to go in her room.

Mom really has a knack for this. If we had the money I would start an interior decorating business with her as the designer and me as the grunt who does all the work. She obviously loves doing it and the kids get such a kick out of her ideas.

Later

The Famed Jackass is Back.

2008-09-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already noticed, I'm back from my vacation. Where did I go? Away from the Internet. While I have to say it was easy not having to worry about creating new blogs all the time and making sure I read the ones I subscribe to, I have to admit I missed it.
I'm fully prepared to admit my addiction to the Internet, though I am in no way admitting it's a problem. Who ever said addiction was a problem? An idiot, that's who.
So yes, I'm back and already I've screwed up a few things.
First I lost my blog spot, again. Then wrote a scandalous blog on my my space page about it. Then, of course, as soon as I posted it I found my blog spot again.
Say it with me: dumb ass!
I want to change the layout of this blog spot, but I can't figure out how it works. I don't think it works like my space or I would have done it already.
Again: dumb ass!
I also may have earned the wrath of a deity. Anyone reading this should know of Tobi, the goddess of complications and contagion. (For more info, see my my space page and the newest blog on said page)
I ridiculed her for initiating my need to blog. For spreading the addiction and not helping me scratch the itch.
Again: DUMB ASS!
After posting said blog I went back and added an apology to the goddess in hopes she will grant me a swift death instead of the blinding with hot pokers and disembowelment she will no doubt crave when she learns of my impertinence.
Whenever I do something stupid like that I hear the sound of a braying donkey in my head. I've been hearing that sound every few minutes for the past day and a half.
So, yeah. While I missed the Internet it can be such a pain in the ass sometimes.
I must go.
The goddess has decreed many new blogs on several subjects before I am granted a reprieve, and she hasn't even learned of my mistake that will lead to my death yet.
Don't smite me!
Later.

Hey! What about me?

2008-05-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

Kale has informed me that I must write a blog about him. I already planned on it, but he wants it done now.

Last night we went to the store to pick up Phoenix's prescriptions. Kale must think he is in control of everyone else in the world because he wouldn't shut up. While we were walking down the aisles he would hold out his hand at the oncoming traffic and say, "excuse me, excuse me, get out of the way."

I, of course, was mortified that he would say such things to complete strangers and tried getting him to stop. In a way he did. He stopped directing traffic and instead started telling everyone he saw about his skills with the Wii.

"Lady. Lady! I'm good at bowling, you know it?"

"Hey! I learned to golf at home, and I'm really good at it. You know it?"

I swear he would not shut up. But I didn't have the heart to stop him because it was so freaking cute! He just thinks that everyone should stop what they're doing and pay attention to what he's trying to say. And a lot of the time, they do.

For there is no human on this earth who can resist the cuteness of the mighty Kale. Many have tried and all have failed. He's not as cute as Cora, for there is no such creature, but people tend to react the same to him as they do to her.

Oh, your so cute! Can I get you some candy or buy you a toy? I think they know how cute they are and use it as a weapon against us lesser mortals who are powerless to resist such adorableness.

I really think the government will find out about the cuteness we harbor and research this power as a possible weapon.

Who needs biochemical weapons when you can stun and entrance the enemy with a cute little girl in her squeaky shoes and fairy wings?

Or imagine a battlefield. Guns firing on both sides. Smoke everywhere, men cursing the enemy. All of a sudden a three year old boy jumps in front of them and starts talking:

"I got two Freddy Kruger masks and a Leather Face mask and Daddy let me watch Pinhead, you know it? You have a gun, I have a gun I got two super six shooters and a laser gun. Phoenix has the Tommy twenty but he lets me play with it. You got light sabers? I got a force action light saber. It pushes out like 'whooaaa!' when you push the button. And I can do special moves like 'haaa! chow! whatchaaaa!' Phoenix is better at it but he teaches me how to use the force. And we learned to sneak from mommy, you know it?"

He will keep talking about everything and nothing until the enemy just decides it would be easier to surrender. Anything to get him to shut up.

If it were Cora she would have each man carrying a pair of shoes, in case she needs to change the ones she's wearing, and the ones not carrying her shoes will be dotting on her every whim. One will fetch her juice while the other seeks out the episode of Little Einsteins that has Catcheye.

They won't know what hit them.

My poor boy.

2008-05-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

Phoenix is sick again.

The poor little guy. He's had the worst year for illnesses. And why?

Kindergarten!

All those kids just love to share their germs with everyone and they always seem to hit Phoenix the hardest.

His allergies screw with his asthma and his asthma makes his allergies worse. When they work together like that he gets an ear infection. He's had two in the past four months and if he gets another one the doctors want to tube both his ears.

This is not good for him. The summer is just starting and Phoenix lives in water when it's hot. Any restrictions put on that part of his recreation will make him very unhappy.

At least his ears don't hurt yet. Yes I did just knock on wood.

He's just got a bad cough and a fever. I gave him some cough medicine his doctor prescribed. It has codeine in it and he hates the taste.

I took a sip to prove to him that it wasn't poison. It took every ounce of willpower I have to keep from spitting it out. I even had to keep my face strait and pushed out a 'yummy' in an attempt to show him how good it was.

After forcing it down he said he would rather lick the toilet than take any more of that medicine.

The good thing is it works. About half an hour after he took it he came to me and said he felt a lot better. I looked at his glossy eyes and vacant expression and realized he was stoned. Hey, at least his head and throat don't hurt anymore.

It's kind of sad though to see him floating around the house with that funny look on his face. Every time I look at him I hear that Bob Marley song in my head:

"Don't worry... about a thing... cause every little thing... is gonna be alright."

Poor little man. It feels so wrong to have my five year old taking opiates every four hours.

We have discovered one other thing that makes him feel better.

Guitar hero III.

I thought it was May.

2008-05-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

What the hell is up with the weather?

I could have sworn it was the first day of May. Did I miss something? I know living in Colorado for so long should keep me from being surprised about anything that Mother Nature throws at us, but I am.

Today it's snowing, and not just a little bit. The snow flakes look like cotton balls and are almost as large. Yesterday was so hot I was sure none of the snow would stay on the ground, but we've already got an inch on the grass. And it's still pounding down fast.

Oh well, at least it's not hot.

The Table That Should Have Been Mine.

2008-05-01T08:03:00.000-07:00

Turns out I still have Internet today so I'll add as much as I can.

Amoo has done something evil! She took the dining room table and painted it red to match the stars in the kitchen. The color on the outside of the can seemed to match. Then we opened it.

Holly shite! It wasn't the rusty red that the label showed. It was bright red! Like I just opened a vein and bled all over the table red. Like the lipstick on a Saigon whore red.

We thought it would be like any other paint and just dry a darker shade so we kept on painting.

Apparently rustoleum paint is different. It dried the same shade it was when we put it on. And it's glossy so it really looks like lipstick or nail polish.

In case you don't know this is what my room looks like.

I want the table and chairs. They want to be in my room, they need to be in my room. I must have them.

Don't you think so too? I even have a black table cloth that is round and has spider web shapes in the lace. It belongs in my room.

But she won't let me have them, the evil witch. She loves the color it turned out, even if it doesn't match the kitchen, and she's determined to keep them.

Damn you woman!

I miss you already...

2008-04-30T14:34:00.000-07:00

This may be my last blog for quite some time so I'm just gonna trow a bunch of stuff in.

First of all, the rant:

Joshua David! Damn you to hell! And I don't mean the happy hell where you are made to feel bad for what you did for eternity. I'm talking about the hell where you are forced to have a pineapple shoved up your ass by a grinning Satan at tea time every day for the rest of eternity.

Why in the hell you think it's okay to run up all kinds of bills at your mother's house and then leave her to pay them, I will never understand. I don't think you're having to go without the Internet, or fast food, or every new movie that comes out to blue ray, even if it sucks.

So while you are having fun I hope you get what you deserve.

I am a firm believer in karma.

I don't have to do anything to you. God, Mother Nature, Budda, or whoever runs this existence will give you the shaft you ass. If you listen carefully you will hear the cocking of the 'fuck you Josh' gun.

Hope you suffer.

Now to the cat.

There is this stupid stray cat that has decided it lives at my house. Ever since we put in the cat door we've had strays coming in to feast on the cans of shredded cat food that our snobby cats must have on a daily basis. Usually they are afraid of people and run away whenever we come near.

This one is not a stray. I think it belonged to a neighbor who moved out and left their animal to fend for itself, which pisses me off. It has decided that we are it's new family. I call it moocher, he's a boy. He comes in and lays on Amoo's bed as though he belongs there. You can even sit next to him and he just looks at you as though he's saying, 'hey, I'm trying to sleep here.'

Or he likes to lay on our back porch, right in the doorway, so that you have to step over him to get in or out of the house. I can yell at him and he doesn't even bat an eyelash. So, I guess we have a new cat.

I can't remember what else I wanted to rant about so I'll just leave it at that.

Later...

Oh, and I hate you Josh!

I'm gonna get it.

2008-04-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

She's going to kill me for this, but I took some pictures of Xandra while she was asleep in the back of the car. She had just spent the night at one of her friends' house for a birthday party. They had stayed up til 3 or 4 am and she was tired but I wanted pictures of her neon pink hair and the shorter cut for posterity.

So at the risk of being persecuted for catching her unawares I give you:

Xandra!

Phoenix's Tooth

2008-04-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

A rare and spectacular event has occurred:

Phoenix lost his first tooth! That may seem a little anti-climactic but it's a very big deal to him. At first he was happy that it was out, then he saw the blood and freaked out. As you can see by the picture he thought I had tried to kill him and that he would perish in his sleep from blood loss.

Kale, of course, grabbed some pliers while I was trying to calm Phoenix down and began his tooth extraction. Thankfully they were plastic toy pliers, I've learned not to leave the tools down where the boys can get them, and he neither made progress nor caused damage.

This morning Phoenix checked under his pillow and found his tooth was missing out of the pouch and was replaced with a dollar. He sprung out of his bed, at three am, to wake me up and tell me he was rich!

After getting him back to sleep I was exhausted. I spent the whole night waiting for them both to fall asleep so I could make the old switcheroo. Phoenix, however, developed super spider sense, due to the imminent arrival of a real fairy, and woke up every time I tried to sneak in or even if Kale farted. So, rather like a scene from mission impossible, I was forced to army crawl to his bedside, pausing at every creak and whisper of sound.

I snuck my hand beneath his pillow in torturous millimeter increments, which seemed to take an hour. I made the switch and put the bag back under his pillow. When I almost had my hand away from his bed I heard a delighted childish laugh... and froze!

I've never been so terrified in my entire life. I thought for sure Kale was awake and would tell Phoenix who had made the switch. Like a deer caught in the headlights of a speeding truck I couldn't move until he laughed again and said something like, "my cookie is wet." I turned to see that he was still asleep and having some kind of pleasant dream about cookies or something.

With my heart beating frantically I made my way back to my room and collapsed on my bed.

It's hard work being the tooth fairy.

The Amoo Tree

2008-04-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

I have found it!

There is a tree growing in front of a house across the street from Phoenix's school. Is it not just the perfect color for mom? I want to get one for her for mother's day, but I don't know what kind of tree it is.

Throw me a fricken bone here.

If you know please leave a comment.

In the picture the flowers haven't bloomed yet, but I think they will look like the white and red flowers in the second picture of this post. The second plant is the tree we both want around the perimeter of our backyard. It could be jasmine, it smells heavenly, but I can't get a close enough look on the nursery web sites so I'm not sure.

Help me, I am retarded.

My hair is ugly!

2008-04-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

I had to dye my hair black to cover the blue-green because I have a job interview tonight. It's ugly and I hate it!

Why can't I get a job where they don't care if I have tattoos and blue hair.

Imajica

2008-04-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this book, for the fourth time, called Imajica by Clive Barker. It's a work of genius and a perfect piece of art.
Can you tell I like it?
Here's just one of the parts that I really love:
Page# 539
"Remember that everything you learn is already a part of you, even to the Godhead Itself. Study nothing except in the knowledge that you already knew it. Worship nothing except in adoration of your true self. And fear nothing except in the certainty that you are your enemy's begetter and its only hope of healing. For everything that does evil is in pain. Will you remember those things?"
This book is full of profound statements and though I just finnished reading it I can't put it down, so I started all over.
I love it.

My son Kale.

2008-04-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

He's done it again!
This morning while I was working on a new blog for my old site my son's called me away to make them something to drink and find them something to watch on T.V.
While I was convienently distracted my youngest son Kale came and played on the computer. He had lots of fun and, in his own words, "Did a lot of damage."
A thousand clicks of the mouse later he blocked off all access I had to my blogspot.
This is why I've had to create this new one.
Sorry.